Chapter 4
4
Lexi
I go upstairs to the space above the garage that Tom made available to me, complete with an en suite bathroom, a sitting room and mini kitchen that smelled new when I first moved in. He denies he put it in for me, but I don’t believe him. It’s something we playfully bicker about once in a while.
Thinking about that makes me smile as I change my clothes and put on makeup to hide the ravages of the last twelve hours from him. He’s got enough to think about without worrying about me, too.
When I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to visit him in the hospital, I join Iris downstairs.
“You look great.”
“You’re too kind. I look like something the cat dragged in.”
She sputters with laughter. “You’re not capable of looking like that, so shush. You look fresh and pretty and put together. Tom will be very happy to see you.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
She’s awfully good for a girl’s ego, among many other things. I hope that one day, I can pay it forward to someone else who needs a fraction of what she and my other Wild Widows have given me on this journey.
At the hospital, I push aside all the fear and trauma to force myself to be there for Tom the way he’s been there for me. I do my best to ignore the smells and other triggers and keep the focus on the task at hand. I follow the directions from Cora to the cardiac area of the hospital and ask for Tom’s room at the nurses’ station.
“Fourth door down on the left.”
“Thank you so much.”
I’m as nervous as I’ve been in a long time as I approach his room, filled with fear about what I might see in there.
Iris places a hand on my back. “Do you want me to come in with you?”
“That’s okay. I think I can do it.”
“I’ll be in the waiting room at the end of the hallway. Take your time.”
I give her a quick hug.
“And remember, whatever’s happening in there, you saved his life and gave him a chance to fix the problem. He might look terrible, but he’s better than he was yesterday.”
I’m nodding as I soak up words that are an elixir to calm my wild heartbeat. “Thank you for everything.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
After she walks toward the waiting room, I stare at the door for a full minute before I gather my fortitude and give a brisk knock before I step inside.
Tom is alone in the room, and his handsome face lights up at the sight of me. “Hey. There you are.” His hair is a mess, he’s paler than normal, and his voice is raspy. But he’s alive, and that’s what matters most.
“Here I am.” I’m in full panic mode at the sight of tubes and machines and sounds that bring it all back in a rush of pure horror.
He holds out a hand to me. “Come here.”
As I walk toward him, I feel disconnected from myself, as if my body is functioning outside my control. This entire thing feels like a massive setback for me. If you’d asked me yesterday, I might’ve foolishly said I’ve mostly recovered from what I endured with Jim. I would’ve been very wrong about that.
I take the hand he offers, which has an IV attached to it.
“Hey.”
I force my gaze to meet his intense blue eyes.
“I’m okay. Thanks to you.”
I’m overcome with tears and emotions that surge to the surface with the force of a tsunami. Before I know it, I’m sobbing as I stand next to his bed, frantically trying to get myself together.
“Aw, sweet Lexi.” He gives my hand a squeeze. “I’m so sorry I did this to you.”
When I look at his face, I’m stunned to see tears in his eyes, too. “Don’t be sorry. You couldn’t help it.”
“Maybe not, but it was the very last thing you needed to come home to.”
“It’s not about me.”
“Sure it is.”
“No, it’s about you and whatever you need to recover.”
“I’m going to be just fine in a few weeks. I got very lucky. My dad died of a similar event when he was just forty-two.”
“I didn’t know that happened to your dad until Cora told me. I’m so sorry.” I know his mother suffers from dementia and is in a nearby care home, but he doesn’t say much about her situation. I sense it’s painful for him to talk about, so I don’t ask about it.
“It was a very tough loss for all of us. Both my older sisters have had extensive cardiac workups. Mine was next, scheduled for November.” He gazes up at me. “If you hadn’t moved in, I would’ve died on that floor, Lex. You saved my life. I’m so thankful to you.”
“Oh God, stop. You’ve done more for me than I could ever do for you.”
“Not true. You just paid me back in spades and put a down payment on fifty more years of me owing you everything.”
“All I did was call for help.”
“Which was the thing I most needed at the time.”
“Are you in a lot of pain?”
“It’s not terrible, but I’m told that’s thanks to very good drugs.”
“Yay for drugs.”
“The worst is my throat. They said that’s from being intubated.”
“Ouch.”
His smile goes a long way toward calming me. It’s had that effect on me since the night we reconnected, almost twenty years after high school. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s had that effect on me since I was fifteen and had a desperate crush on a boy who barely knew I existed.
He knows I exist now. In fact, he’s holding my hand and looking at me as if I matter very much to him.
“Is Cora still here?”
“She did an all-nighter, so I sent her home to get some sleep. Our other sister, Lydia, and her husband are at a hotel.”
“Where does Lydia live?”
“Outside of Minneapolis.”
“I didn’t know you had another sister.”
“She’s seven years older than me and has lived in Minnesota since she left for college. We aren’t as close as I am with Cora.”
“I see. Does Lydia have kids?”
“Two boys in college.” When he shifts, looking for a more comfortable position in the bed, he lets out a groan that puts me on alert. “Ugh. I hate this.”
“Do you want me to get a nurse?”
“No, I’m okay. Just sore. They got to my heart through an artery in my leg, so that’s not feeling too great today.”
“Did they say what happens next?” I’m accustomed to coordinating with doctors, being one step ahead of whatever Jim would need after a hospitalization, figuring out home care and other details. I lived in a constant state of hyperawareness that depleted my reserves long before he died.
“Not yet, but probably cardiac rehab and a drastic lifestyle change. That’s what my dad’s brother had to do after he survived a similar event.”
“Wow, the faulty cardiac gene runs hot in your family.”
“So hot. Two of my dad’s other brothers died young from widow-maker heart attacks, and one of his sisters had bypass surgery.”
I process this new information with a growing sense of alarm and dread, which he immediately senses.
“Ah, shit. I never should’ve told you that.”
No, you really shouldn’t have.
“Lex, look at me.”
I force myself to meet his gaze while telling myself how incredibly kind he’s been to me. Don’t I owe him the same in return?
“I’m fine. I’m going to be fine. I got very lucky, thanks to you, and I’m going to make some big changes to make sure I stay healthy. There’s nothing to worry about.”
I swallow the huge lump that’s got my throat nearly blocked. I want to turn and run from him and his faulty heart, except he’s holding my hand, so I can’t go anywhere.
“Lexi.”
“Yes?”
“I can see that you’re panicking, and I totally get it. After everything you’ve been through, why would you want to hang out with someone who might drop dead at any second? All I can tell you is I’m going to do everything I can to live for a good long time, and I want to spend as much of that time with you as I possibly can.”
That’s the first time he’s ever confirmed what I’ve long suspected—he has feelings for me that go beyond that of friendly roommates.
I know I should say something, but my brain has gone blank.
“This is a lot. I know it is, and it’s not at all fair for me to tell you that when I’m lying in a hospital bed after getting a stent in a blocked artery. But it’s the truth, and if this incident has shown me anything, it’s that I need to tell the people I care about how I feel, and you’re at the top of my list of those who need to hear the truth.”
I recall how I discovered my name first on his list of favorites last night, which confirms what he’s saying like nothing else ever could.
He pauses, seeming to gather the strength to continue. “This morning, when Cora told me everything that happened… All I could think about was you and that I could’ve died without you knowing…”
I need to ask him what he wants me to know, but that damned lump in my throat makes it impossible for me to say anything.
“I want you to know how much I care about you and how happy I’ve been since you moved in.”
I clear my throat because a statement like that deserves some sort of reply. “Oh. Really?”
His smile lights up his tired eyes. “Yes, really. I love our dinners and our weekend coffee chats. I even enjoy doing yard work when you’re there to help me and keep me entertained. I had no idea how lonely I was in that big old house until you showed up and helped to make it a home.”
I’m so overwhelmed by his words and the emotion behind them that I can barely breathe. I knew he cared. Of course I knew, but I’ve sort of kept that information pushed off to the side for if or when I was ready to deal with it. Am I ready to deal with it now? I have no idea.
“I, um, I care about you, too.”
“That means a lot to me, Lex. And listen, I’m not putting any pressure on you for anything more than what we already have. I respect what you’ve been through since you lost Jim, and I’d never want to take advantage of you in any way.”
“You never would. I know that. It’s just that I’m kind of still…” That damned lump again. My eyes fill, and I look away from him, wishing I could find a way to make it so I could control when tears decide to show up.
“I know, honey. I’m not telling you this because I expect anything from you. It’s just that when you come close to dying and miraculously manage to survive, you want the people in your life to know what they mean to you. And you mean a lot to me.”
Come close to dying…
Those words are on repeat in my mind. He came close to dying. He survived. This time. What if there’s a next time?
I force myself to focus on the here and now, to give him a fraction of what he’s given me. “You… you mean a lot to me, too. It’s just that… last night was a lot…” I hate the way I sound like a stammering idiot as my emotions make a complete mess of me.
“I’m so sorry I put you through that.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Whose fault is it?” he asks, smiling.
“It’s no one’s fault. It happened, and we dealt with it, and thank God, you’re going to be okay.”
“Thank you for dealing with it, for calling for help, for coming with me to the hospital.”
“Oh, you heard about that, huh?”
“I heard, and I appreciate everything you did. I owe you my life.”
“No, you owe that to the EMTs and the doctors and nurses. I made a phone call while trying not to lose my shit.”
He winces. “I’d give anything for this to have happened anywhere but at home where you had to be the one to find me. All morning, I’ve been thinking that you’ll run as far from me as you can get after this, and I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I won’t do that, and not just because I have nowhere else to go. Please don’t think that.”
“If you want to be somewhere else, Lexi, I’ll help make that happen if it’s what you feel is best for you. I’d totally understand.”
“You would?”
“I would.” He closes his eyes. “I’d hate it, but I’d understand.”
“We don’t need to talk about any of this today. The most important thing is for you to rest and recover.”
He keeps his eyes closed when he says, “It’s not the only important thing. You’re important, too.”
“Get some rest and try not to worry about anything but getting better.”
“I’m worried about a lot of things.”
“Don’t be. I’m fine. I swear.”
He opens his eyes to gaze at me with more affection than I’ve seen from him before. “You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”
“No, I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Good.” His eyes closed again. “That’s good.”
Cora comes into the room about ten minutes after Tom dozed off while still holding my hand.
“How is he?”
“He seems good. We were talking for a while before he fell asleep.”
“I’m glad you’re here. He was asking for you earlier.”
“Oh, he was?”
She glances at me. “Why do you sound surprised? You have to know how much he cares for you by now.”
Does she sound a bit testy, or am I imagining that?
“I, um… He’s been an amazing friend to me at a time when I needed one very much.”
“Yes, he has, and it’s worried me on more than one occasion that he might end up hurt because you’re not available for what he wants with you.”
I’m struck dumb. Literally.
Cora sighs deeply. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that. Blame the sleepless night.” She glances at me. “I really am sorry. Disregard all that. Please. He’d have my head if he heard me say any of it.”
“I, ah… I should go.”
“Please don’t go because of me, Lexi. Tom wants you here. He wants you here more than he wants me.”
I need to get out of there. That’s all I know. “I’ll be back later. Please tell him…” I can’t think of a single thing to say, so I leave it at that. In the hallway, I focus on breathing as I make my way to where Iris is waiting for me.
“Hey,” she says, “how is he?”
“Good. He’s good.”
She takes a closer look at me. “And you?”
“Can we go? Please?”
“Yep.” With her typical efficiency, Iris takes me by the arm and has me in an elevator in two seconds flat, or at least that’s how it seems to me.