Chapter 5
5
Lexi
My entire body buzzes with tension and anxiety and… something else that I can’t quite put a name to.
“What happened?” Iris asks when we’re in the car.
“I…” I’ve never been such a stammering fool. “He was very thankful for what I did and apologetic for retraumatizing me. He… he said he was glad he didn’t die without me knowing how much he cares or how happy he’s been since I moved in.”
“Oh. Wow. How do you feel about that?”
I give her what must be a wild look. “I don’t know. And then his sister… She said…” That goddamned lump in my throat makes me choke.
Iris turns to face me. “What’d she say, Lex?”
“That she’s been worried about me hurting him because I’m not available for what he wants from me.”
“Oh damn. That’s a lot for her to lay on you, especially right now.”
“She said that when she apologized, blaming the sleepless night. She said he’d be mad at her for saying that to me.”
“He should be. She had no right to dump that on you. Tell me you know that whatever he feels for you is not your responsibility.”
Leave it to Iris to cut to the chase. “I know.”
“Say it like you mean it.”
“I know that whatever he feels for me isn’t my responsibility, but… I really like him. Hell, I was more than halfway in love with him in high school when I’d never exchanged a single word with him.”
“This isn’t high school, and just because he did you a huge favor when you really needed it, you don’t owe him anything but friendship and appreciation for his generosity.”
I nod, grateful for her succinct summary.
“All the emotions are heightened after last night. A close call like he had would naturally make him grateful for the blessings in his life, including you. You’re under no obligation to take what he said and run with it. You’re on your own journey, your own timeline, not anyone else’s, even someone who’s stepped up for you the way he has.”
It’s a relief to fully exhale for the first time in an hour. “Thank you for the reminder.”
“I won’t let any of this be a setback for you, not when you’ve been doing so great lately.”
I smile at her because how can I not? “I don’t know what I ever did to get lucky enough to have a friend like you.”
“You became a widow.”
That sets us off into a laughing fit that I needed. “I love you so much, Iris. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had.”
“Likewise.”
“That’s not even remotely true.”
“Shut up before I get mad at you.”
We laugh again as she starts the SUV. “Where to?”
“I think I’d like to go home and maybe take a nap before I go back in to see Tom later.”
“You don’t have to go back today.”
“I know, but I might go anyway.”
“Stay away from his sister.”
“She’s been nice to me the few times I’ve met her before this and felt terrible after she said what she did.”
“Good. She should. What a stupid thing to say to someone who’s been through what you have.”
“What is it we always say about how people can’t possibly know what we’ve been through unless they’ve lost their person?”
“Still… In a case like this one, say nothing rather than word-vomiting things a widow doesn’t need to hear.”
“Don’t be mad at her. She’s traumatized. Their dad died of a massive heart attack at forty-two, two of their uncles also died of heart attacks, and an aunt had bypass surgery.”
“Damn. That’s a lot.”
“Definitely, especially since she and Tom are super close.”
“What happens next for Tom?”
“He said a drastic lifestyle change and cardiac rehab.”
We’re silent for several miles as Iris drives me back to Tom’s.
“I really like him, Iris. If I were in the market for another man in my life, I’d totally pick him.”
“But?”
“After what happened to him and then hearing his family’s history with heart problems, I just don’t know if I have it in me. I feel like being with him, going all in with him, would be like juggling dynamite or something equally dramatic.”
“I get that. You’ve already done years of debilitating illness with your husband, and the possibility of another serious, chronic situation might be more than you can handle.”
“Yes, that. Exactly that. Even if saying it out loud makes me feel like a wimp.”
“You’re the furthest thing from a wimp, Lexi. Look at what you did for Jim. A wimp never could’ve handled years of caring for him the way you did.”
“Well, I feel like a wimp at the thought of going through that again with Tom. They fixed the problem this time, but do I need to be worried about him dropping dead on me some other time?”
“That’s a very good question that you’re perfectly reasonable to ask.”
“To him? ‘Hey, Tom, I know you just went through this rough ordeal, but how worried do I need to be about it happening again? Are there some odds you could give me based on your family’s hellacious history of people dropping dead in the prime of their lives?’”
Iris snorts out a laugh. “You might not want to put it quite like that, but it’s info you deserve to have before you decide whether you’re up for being more than friends and roommates with him.”
“I should move out of his place.”
“What? No, don’t do that. Not yet, anyway. Remember when Jim first died, and people told you not to make any big decisions right away?”
“Yeah.”
“This is kind of like that. You had a huge trauma last night. This is no time for big decisions.”
I put my head back against the seat, as exhausted as I’ve been since Jim died. I hate feeling like this. It brings back so many memories I thought I’d left in the past. “Is it weird to be having a grief reaction to this when no one died?”
“Not weird at all. Grief colors everything that happens after a big loss. Every single fucking thing, even the good stuff.”
“That doesn’t feel fair.”
“None of this is fair. Why is it that we had to lose our husbands while other people get to keep theirs for seventy years? Why did we have to rebuild lives we’d worked so hard to have in the first place? Why did we have to lose the one person we thought we couldn’t live without? Why did any of this have to happen?”
As I listen to her list of questions, tears slide down my face. I brush them away. Why did any of this have to happen… I ask myself that question almost every day. How did we go from being blissfully happy newlyweds with big plans and dreams to one of us being terminally ill with the cruelest of diseases?
We arrive at Tom’s a few minutes later.
Iris turns off the engine and turns toward me. “What can I do?”
I reply with a quick laugh. “You’ve already done so much, and I appreciate you more than you’ll ever know.”
“What else can I do?”
“I think I’m okay for now. I need to go sit with it all and figure out what’s what.”
“Please don’t let him or his sister or anyone pressure you for something you’re not ready for.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Call me if you need me?”
“I will.”
“If I don’t hear from you, I’ll check in later.”
“Thank you for everything, Iris. Not just in the last two days, but always.”
She reaches across the console to hug me. “Any time.”
I love how she waits for me to wave from inside the door before she backs out of the driveway. What a friend.
Inside, I purposely avoid looking at the area of the upstairs living room where last night’s nightmare unfolded. I go into the kitchen, pour a glass of the iced tea that Tom brews for me and then break down all over again at the many ways he takes care of me.
He’s so incredibly good to me and has been since I first moved in. Somehow he always seems to beat me home and has dinner ready six nights out of seven. On the seventh night, he says, “Let’s go out,” and he casually takes me to dinner somewhere fun. Though these outings seem spontaneous, we’re always taken right to a table, which means there’s a reservation, which means he plans in advance.
The only exceptions to this routine are my Wednesday nights with the Wild Widows, as well as other outings with friends and my parents. Lately, I’ve started including Tom in dinner with my parents as if it was the most logical thing I could do. I have to give them credit for not asking me a million questions about him or what it all means.
They think he’s great, and he’s developed a nice, friendly rapport with both of them. Last week, my dad asked if Tom might like to go to a late-season DC Feds game with him. The question both lifted me up and broke my heart, because he used to share season tickets with Jim, and I know how much he misses his baseball buddy.
My parents considered Jim the son they never had. Witnessing his decline was as hard on them as it was on me as they helped to take tender care of him. We all put our lives on hold when he was so terribly ill, so I’m glad to see them beginning to travel again and going back to baseball games and picking up the lives they put aside to be there for us.
Speaking of them, I need to tell them what happened last night, even though the last thing I want to do is talk about it more than I already have. For them, though, I’ll go through it one more time.
My mom answers on the third ring. “Hi, honey. I was just thinking about you. Why aren’t you at work?” We never talk during the day, and I’m sorry I didn’t consider the time when I called her.
“I took the day off after a bit of a rough night.”
“What happened?”
I hate that she’s immediately on alert for disaster, which is a byproduct of her grief over Jim. “I came home and found Tom unconscious on the living room floor.”
“Oh, Lex. Oh no. Tell me he’s all right.”
“He is after a stent procedure to open a blocked artery.”
“Oh Lord. And how are you? That must’ve been so triggering.”
My mom learned about being triggered during Jim’s illness. “It was indeed, but I’m hanging in there. As long as he’s okay. That’s what matters.”
“I’m so sorry that happened, honey. I can’t imagine how upsetting it had to be for you.”
“It was rough, but I’m doing okay. Iris and Gage came to the hospital and took me home to their place.”
“We would’ve come. I hope you know that.”
I wince over having unintentionally hurt her feelings. “I do. Of course I know.”
“I’m glad you were well supported, no matter who was doing it.”
“I was.”
“Have you seen Tom?”
“For a bit this morning. His sisters are with him, and I’ll probably go back later.”
“If it’s too much for you, don’t go.”
“I’m okay. I want to be there for him the way he’s been for me.”
“Which is lovely, but you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. You’ve done a lifetime’s worth of caregiving already.”
“Yes, I have.”
“If he’s going to need a lot of care at home, make sure that’s not being provided by you. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you can’t take that on, Lex. Tell me you know that.”
“I do but thank you for caring.”
“Daddy and I were just saying that you seem to have gotten some of your sparkle back lately. We’d hate to see that dimmed by a setback.”
“I hear you. I’m being vigilant, but I want to also be a good friend to someone who’s been one to me.”
“He’s a lovely guy. Please tell him how sorry we are that he’s dealing with this.”
“I will. I’ll keep you posted, okay?”
“Please do. We love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I take my iced tea to my room on the second floor. In addition to the kitchenette he says he didn’t put in for me, I suspect Tom took down a wall to give me the sitting room. All I know is it wasn’t there when I first saw pictures of the bedroom and bathroom. It had magically appeared by the time I moved in. That was one of a thousand things he’s done to make things easier, better, nicer for me.
After I stretch out on the bed, I check the new texts on my phone.
One is from Roni, another of my Wild Widows friends. Hey, gang, does anyone want to go in on a gift for Adrian and Wynter? I checked her registry, and the super cool stroller she wanted is still up for grabs. Let me know who’s in.
One by one, the replies had come in: Brielle, Joy, Gage, Derek, Christy, Hallie, Iris, Kinsley and Naomi are all in.
I type my reply. Count me in, too.
While I have them, separate from the new parents who don’t need to hear my drama on top of welcoming a new baby, I decide to update them on what’s going on.
I was going to text you all today to tell you my friend (and roommate) Tom had a cardiac emergency last night. I came home to find him unconscious on the living room floor. Thankfully, we got him to Inova quickly. He had a stent procedure to open a blocked artery and is recovering. As am I after a tough night that was made easier by Iris and Gage, who came to my rescue.
The responses come flooding in.
From Brielle: Oh no, Lex! What can we do for you?
Joy: So sorry, honey. Can’t imagine how tough that must’ve been for you. Sending much love to you and your friend.
Hallie: So glad to hear he’s on the mend. Sorry you went through that.
Roni calls me.
“Hey, aren’t you busy working at the White House?” She’s the communications director for First Lady Samantha Cappuano.
“Never mind with that. How are you?”
“Better than I was last night. Still a little shaky, but I suppose that’s leftover adrenaline.”
“Damn, Lex. I can’t believe you came home to find him that way.”
“It was pretty terrifying.”
“What can we do for you?”
“I’m good. Iris and Gage took great care of me last night, and I saw Tom this morning. He’s doing well. His sisters are with him.”
“Well, that must be a relief.”
“It is. For sure. It’s just that…”
“What, honey?”
“I also found out there’s a significant history of early death by widow-maker heart attacks in his family. His dad and two of his uncles died in their forties, and one of his aunts had bypass surgery.”
“This is a lot after what you’ve already been through,” she says, seeming to choose her words carefully.
“Sure is. He… he said some stuff this morning, about how much he cares about me and how sorry he is to have done this to me.”
“That’s very sweet.”
“He’s so sweet and kind and thoughtful. He’s wonderful.”
“I love that for you. Do you?”
“I don’t know. A big part of me feels nowhere near ready for what he seems to want.”
“Which is also fine.”
“Yeah, I know, but now there’s this heart thing, and I don’t know if my heart could withstand losing someone else I might love.”
“That’s a fair concern.”
“None of this feels fair.”
“It’s not. It’s extremely unfair that this happened to a young man in seemingly good health and that you were the one who found him.”
“Thank goodness I was living here, or he might’ve died on that floor.”
“Oh, Lex, I wish I could hug you right now.”
“Thanks for that and for calling. I’m all right. I promise.”
“Check in later to let me know how it’s going?”
“I will. Thanks again.”
“Any time.”
After ending the call with Roni, I read more texts of support from Derek, Naomi, Christy and Hallie. Their kindness brings me to tears, but that doesn’t take much at the moment.
Tom’s name pops up in another text: Have I scared you away? Are you moving out as we speak? Running for your life from the guy with the bad ticker? Please don’t. I promise I won’t drop dead on you.
I’m laughing even as I continue to cry. He makes me laugh a lot. That’s one of the things I love best about living with him. People say laughter is the best medicine, and he’s certainly proven that to be true.
I’m not moving out. Not yet anyway…
Ouch. Nurse, more pain meds, please.
I respond with laughter emojis. Quit being funny. You’re supposed to be recovering.
My heart will never recover if you run away from me. Don’t do that, okay?
Tom…
Lexi… Please don’t go.
I close my eyes, as if that will stop the flood of tears. It seems that nothing can stop them, especially when I’m standing on the precipice of a much bigger deal with him—and I know it. There’s no denying that’s what he’s asking for from his hospital bed after having a freaking heart attack.
I summon all the courage I have left after the grueling battle I endured with Jim before I respond to Tom.
I’m not going anywhere.