Chapter 6
6
Tom
My sisters are driving me batshit crazy with their hovering, their unsolicited advice about all aspects of my life and their bickering with each other. I wish they’d leave so Lexi could come visit and we could pick up where we left off by text earlier.
When she said she wasn’t going anywhere, my fragile heart soared with hope, excitement and anticipation. I’m surprised the nurses didn’t come running due to a spike in my heart rate.
My sisters are talking over me as if I’m not here. “Ladies.” They continue as if I didn’t say anything as my throat continues to protest any form of speaking or swallowing. “ Ladies! ”
This time, they hear me.
“What?” Cora asks.
“Enough with the arguing. I’ve already spoken to the hospital social worker, and she’s arranging for at-home nursing care for when I’m released. I don’t need to go home with either of you, and frankly, I don’t wish to.”
“Be serious, Tom,” Lydia says. “You can’t go home alone after nearly dying.”
Tall with dark hair and eyes, Lydia and Cora look like our late father, while I favor our blonde mother.
“I’m being dead serious, and that’s what’s going to happen. I won’t be alone at home. Lexi is there.”
“Oh, right,” Cora says, “Lexi, who crumpled like a house of cards under pressure last night.”
“Watch it, Cora. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Hearing Lexi’s reaction described that way breaks my heart.
“I know you like her?—”
“I more than like her. I think I could be in love with her, so watch what you say.”
“It’s just that she didn’t seem very strong in the face of an emergency.”
“Because a couple of years ago, she lost her husband after a four-year battle with ALS, during which she was his primary caregiver. Needless to say, what happened last night was extremely triggering for her, and as far as I’m concerned, she held up well enough to save my life. So you’ll have to pardon me if I’m uninterested in your critiques of her emergency performance.”
Cora has the good sense to look a bit guilty. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that about her husband.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about her, so keep the judgment to yourself. I like her. I want her around, and I’ve already set up care for when I go home, so this entire argument is a moot point.”
“So you and Lexi have been, like, seeing each other since she moved in?” Lydia asks.
“Nope. We’re just friends and roommates for now.”
“But you want it to be more than that?” Cora asks.
“We’ll see.”
Cora’s brows furrow. “What does that mean?”
“It means that she’s been through a lot, and I’m not looking to pressure her for anything she’s not ready for. I like being her friend, and I like having her living with me. That’s all there is to say about it.”
“I, um… I might’ve screwed up,” Cora says.
“What did you do?”
“I, ah, I said something about how I’ve been worried she might hurt you.”
“For fuck’s sake, Cora. Stay out of my business, will you?”
“I’m sorry. I know you like her, and I haven’t been able to get a read on her, and…”
“You don’t need a read on her. I’m the only one who needs to know what she’s about, and I love everything about her. I swear to God, if you scared her off, I’ll never forgive you.”
“I don’t think I scared her off. I’m sorry. I didn’t know about the husband with ALS or any of that.”
“Which is why you should keep your opinions to yourself.”
“I’ll apologize to her again when I see her.”
“That’d be good.”
“So she might be the one, huh?” Lydia asks.
“She is the one, but I’m not in any rush. If anything happens between us, it’ll be on her timetable, not mine.”
“What if she never comes around?” Cora asks.
“I’d rather be just friends with her than be with anyone else.”
“Wow,” Lydia says. “That’s awesome, Tom. I hope it works out for you guys.”
“I do, too, but again… The last thing either of us needs is any kind of drama with my sisters. Please. The health scare is enough without adding that to it.”
“Understood,” Cora says as Lydia nods. “I’ll fix it with her.”
They’ve worn me out with their emotional energy, but I don’t fault them for that. I’d be the same way if one of them were in this bed. None of us will ever forget the day our dad went to play golf and never came home. We’ve lived with the specter of sudden death hanging over us since we were kids.
What happened to me is our worst nightmare come to life. Luckily, my incident didn’t play out like my dad’s did, on the fifteenth fairway, long before cell phones and far enough from help that he was dead before EMTs arrived.
I have no idea how long I was on the floor before Lexi found me, but thankfully, she got there in time. I don’t remember anything about yesterday.
I cringe every time I think about her coming into the house and finding me that way. She doesn’t talk a lot about what it was like to care for a husband with ALS. Rather, she uses words like dreadful and excruciating to describe that time in her life. My college friend documented his mother’s journey on Facebook, and dreadful is an apt way to describe it.
With every new update, it seemed like she lost some other essential function.
What would it be like to watch the person you love the most decline that way while their mental faculties remained as sharp as ever? It would be torturous.
I can’t keep my eyes open, even though I’m worried if I close them, my sisters might take over my whole life. They’ve always thought they were the bosses of me, even Cora, who’s only two years older. Lydia was often put in charge of us after our dad died and Mom had to go back to work to keep a roof over our heads, as she put it.
The strain on her was enormous since my dad didn’t have life insurance.
On the night we first connected, Lexi told me her husband didn’t have life insurance either. Why would he? Most people don’t think about stuff like that in their twenties.
I did. Even though I’ve checked out fine at my annual cardiac workups, due to how my dad died, I’ve had life insurance since I was twenty-five. I don’t want my family burdened by funeral expenses if history repeats itself.
Cora is my beneficiary, not that she knows that. I was sort of hoping she’d never need to find that out.
It must be the medication that’s making me so tired that I’m sucked under before I can say another word to my sisters.
The next time I open my eyes, it’s much darker in the room, and Lexi is there.
I’m unreasonably happy to see her. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she never came back despite her promises to stick around.
“Hey.”
“Hey, yourself. How’re you feeling?”
“Like I got run over by a bus or an eighteen-wheeler.”
She grimaces. “That bad, huh?”
“It could be much worse.”
“What’s the doctor saying?”
“That I’m doing great and already bouncing back quickly.” The doctor didn’t say that last part, but she doesn’t need to know that.
I can’t help but notice she looks fragile, which is new. I hate knowing I’m most likely the reason for that.
“Hey.” I extend a hand to her. “I’m okay. I swear.”
She takes my hand and gives it a squeeze but doesn’t hang on the way I wish she would. I want her to take my hand and never let go. We were making progress toward that before this happened, or at least I think we were.
Now? Who knows? Are we back to square one, or have we regressed into negative numbers? Before this happened, I wasn’t sure where I stood with her. Does she see me as only a good friend and roommate who stepped up for her when she needed a favor? Or does she see the potential for more with me the way I do with her?
I saw that potential from the first night we connected, when she told me her husband had died after a long illness.
“How’re you feeling?” I ask her.
She seems surprised by the question. “I’m fine. You’re the one we’re worried about.”
“I’m worried about you.”
“Why?”
“I know this was rough on you, Lex. Don’t try to pretend otherwise. I feel terrible about it. I don’t want it to be a setback for you.”
“I, ah… Huh. That’s rather insightful of you to realize it could be.”
“Of course I realize that. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through before. I’d never want to be the cause of reopening an old wound for you.”
“It’s nice of you to be worried about me.”
“I care about you, Lexi. I hope you know that by now.”
“I… I do. I care about you, too.”
Frustration overwhelms me. The last place I want to be having this conversation is from a hospital bed after I recently scared the living shit out of her and disclosed a family propensity for sudden death. If she has an ounce of sense, she’ll run for her life away from me.
“The timing is terrible,” I say softly.
“For what?”
“For me to tell you how much I care about you.”
“Oh.” She looks down at the floor or her shoes or something other than me.
“Lex?”
Her dark, expressive eyes flip up and connect with mine.
The impact takes my breath away. “I want you to know how much you’ve come to mean to me.” Fuck if I don’t have to take a second to fight back another wave of unrelenting exhaustion. I want to cut back on whatever med is causing that. “I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted nothing further to do with me.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Or if you’re not ready for us to be more than friends, or if you’re not into me that way at all…” I feel like such a tool for bringing this up now, but I can’t bear to wait another minute to put it out there. Almost dying makes you take stock of what’s really important, and she’s what matters most to me in the aftermath of near disaster.
“Tom… We should talk about this when you’re feeling stronger.”
“I feel fine.”
“I… uh… I’m not sure of anything anymore. I used to make decisions without much consideration, but now?” She shrugs. “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time. You’re such a good and decent man. You deserve someone who can give you everything you deserve. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be capable of that again.”
Good and decent isn’t exactly an insult, but it lands oddly with me. I want her to see me as exciting, sexy, fun, engaging, intelligent, witty.
Healthy would be good, too.
It becomes clear to me that I’m going to have to start all over with her, which is fine. As long as I’m still in the game, I can work with that.
“I don’t mean to pressure you for things you’re not ready for.”
“You never have, and I appreciate that more than you know. You’ve been so good to me.” She covers my hand with hers. “We talk a lot in my widow group about the new friends who step up for us when old friends are nowhere to be found in the aftermath of disaster. Out of everyone who’s been there for me, and that’s a lot of people, you’ve been…” Her eyes fill. “You’ve been such an incredible blessing.”
I’m deeply moved by her words, but they don’t tell me anything new about whether we’re stuck forever in the friend zone or if this might be something more. But I can’t push her, or I’ll lose her. That much I’m sure of.
“That’s nice to hear, Lex. I’m so glad I could be there for you when you needed a friend.”
“I want to do the same for you. When you come home, I’ll be there for you.”
“I don’t expect you to take care of me.”
“Why not? You’ve been taking care of me since the day I moved in.”
“You’ve already been a caretaker.”
“This is very different from that. Trust me. I can handle it.”
“But do you want to?”
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you get back to full health. Knowing that’s possible makes this different as night and day from what I went through before.”
“I’ll have visiting nurses coming in when I get home.”
“Then I’ll provide company and anything else you want or need for as long as you need it.”
“It’s important to me that you know I don’t expect that of you.”
“I know.” She smiles, and for the first time since disaster struck, the smile lights up her gorgeous eyes.
I turn my hand over and curl it around hers. “I can’t wait to be back at home with you.”
“I can’t wait for that either.”