Chapter 11
11
Tom
I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to sleep while Lexi is stretched out next to me on the sofa while we watch a movie. She insisted I relax all day, which is what I’ve done, but my mind is anything but relaxed as I relive the hot kisses that’ve kept me on edge ever since.
I’ve waited so long to be close to her. In some ways, I feel like I’ve waited most of my life for this chance, and of course, it happens after I have a heart attack that has me at about fifty percent of my usual energy and fitness levels.
Timing, they say, is everything. Without the heart attack, we might’ve gone on as we were indefinitely as friendly roommates who did nice things for each other and spent quite a lot of time together but were stuck firmly in the nothing-romantic zone. Not that there was anything at all wrong with that. I’ve loved every minute I’ve spent with Lexi. It’s just that I’ve always suspected we could be something special as a couple.
Now I’m sure of it.
Kissing her was the best thing ever, but then, I knew it would be. However, here’s the thing… It was way more than I expected. Kissing is almost always pleasant and fun and leads to all sorts of good things. But kissing her was different. It was like a full-body experience, like sex would be with someone else. Not that I’ve thought about sex with anyone but her since the night we connected in that bar. My friends with benefits were immediately forgotten the minute I saw her sitting on the barstool next to me.
Now that I know about her high school crush, I believe that night was fated. How else to explain two people who yearned for each other years ago meeting up in the same place at the same time when they were both free to finally have their first conversation and anything else that might follow?
It was fate. I’ll always believe that.
Just like it was fate that I asked her to move in and then she was the only person due home when I was fighting for my life on the living room floor. Without her as my roommate, I wouldn’t still be here.
“Do you believe in fate?” I ask her.
“What?”
I twirl a length of her curly hair around my index finger. Now that I’m allowed to touch her, I don’t ever want to stop. “You heard me. Are you a believer?”
“I mean… I guess so? Are you?”
“I am now.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve had a lot of time to think this week, sitting still for the first time in a while, about how if fate hadn’t brought us together that night in the bar and I hadn’t asked you to move in with me, I’d be dead right now.”
“Tom… Don’t say that.”
“Why not? It’s true. You saved my life. If you didn’t live here, I’d have been long gone by the time anyone realized I was in trouble.”
“I can’t even think about that.”
“It was fate, Lexi. We’re fated. Everything has been leading to this for both of us, even the bad stuff. Without that, you wouldn’t have needed a new place to live. I wouldn’t have had any reason to offer that to you. I’d have been living alone when I had a heart attack. It would’ve been game over if fate hadn’t brought you into my life when it did.”
“I suppose all of that is true, but do you think it was prearranged by the universe or something?”
“I’ve never been a super religious person, but I do believe there’s something at work here that’s bigger than us.”
“Maybe it’s Jim. He was so worried about what would become of me after he died, especially because his illness created such a massive debt for me. He suffered over that.”
“I’m sure he did. It must’ve been hell for him that he couldn’t do anything to fix that for you.”
“It was. I often think it was the worst part of it for him, knowing he was leaving me with a huge mess to clean up.”
“Have you spoken with a debt counselor? There’re consolidation loans and stuff like that. You might also be eligible for some federal relief programs.”
“You think so?”
“You won’t know if you don’t ask. I have a guy who’s savvy about this stuff. I’ll hook you up with him.”
“Wow, that’d be amazing. I’ve sort of accepted that I’m going to be in debt for the rest of my life, which is fine because I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I wanted Jim to be as comfortable as possible. My very last thought at the time was the cost.”
“I get that. I’d be the same way for someone I loved. Whatever it takes.”
“Back to your original question, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Jim arranged for us to meet up. He was adamant about me doing whatever it took to be happy and to have a meaningful life. That was all he cared about the whole time he was ill. Even after he couldn’t talk anymore, he would look at me, and I would know what he was thinking because it was so important to him.”
“That’s a precious gift to give the person you’re leaving behind, the peace of mind to know you’d approve of them having a new life with someone else.”
“It is. Some of my widow friends don’t have their late spouse’s implicit blessing because they died suddenly without ever having had those conversations. They can only presume that their late person would’ve wanted all good things for them.”
“I’d always want that for you, just so you know.”
“Stop. I refuse to have a contingency plan for you not being around.”
“It just seems practical to mention it.”
“It’s not practical. It’s morbid. You’re fine, you promised me you’re going to be fine, and that’s all we’re going to say about it.”
She makes me smile even when I’m being morbid. “Is that your final word on the matter?”
“It is, so don’t go there again.”
I’m in love with her.
That thought strikes like lightning from above, electrifying me with the realization that, for the first time in my life, I’m truly in love.
As I watch Lexi walk into the kitchen to refill my ice water, I now know that no one else would’ve done it for me the way she does. Lying on a sofa with her and watching a movie is more exciting than anything I’ve ever done with another woman.
If Lexi walked away from me, I’d never forget her.
I’ll do everything I can to make sure that never happens.
Lexi
Today has been like a dream. An entire day to laze around with Tom, watching movies, eating healthy food and experiencing the ever-present hum of desire for the first time in years. I’d forgotten what that was like, to know something is going to happen with a man and that it’s only a matter of when.
His words from earlier have stayed with me all day: I’m so glad I didn’t die before I got the chance to kiss Lexi Nelson.
Swoon—and hello, don’t talk about dying! I can’t bear to think of what a close call he had. It makes my hands shake and my knees go weak.
If he hadn’t recently had a heart attack, I would’ve wanted to take those kisses to their logical conclusion, which is a startling thought for a widow to have for the first time since her husband died.
I haven’t had sex in more than five years and haven’t wanted it even once in all that time. Until Tom Hammett kissed me and reawakened me to things from another lifetime. Once upon a time, Jim and I had sex almost every day. We had incredible chemistry, and sex was a big part of our relationship, along with many other things that made our life together so fulfilling. He loved to go antiquing as much as I did, which I used to tease him about as I dragged him along on another weekend adventure to some random place to look at old dusty shit, as he liked to call it.
We enjoyed finding a treasure and bringing it back to life. Most of that stuff is long gone after we were forced to sell our home and most of our possessions to pay for his care.
I haven’t thought about our antiquing adventures in ages. It makes me sad that my first thoughts of him are always the sick version and not the vital, active, funny man he was before disaster struck.
“What’re you thinking about?” Tom asks.
While I was on a trip down memory lane, the movie ended. He switches the TV over to local news because he wants a sports update. As his roommate of nearly a year, I’ve learned he’s obsessed with all the DC-area teams, and that’s the only reason he ever watches the news.
“A lot of things,” I say in response to his question.
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“Today was a really nice day.”
“Yes, it was. Thank you for letting me watch hours of football. You took one for the team.”
“I enjoyed it. I haven’t watched it in years. I don’t want to say I missed it or anything…”
“Haha, lest you have to watch it all the time?”
“Something like that.”
“Today was a great day for me, too. I love being in the same room with you, but sharing the same sofa is way better.”
Our legs are intertwined, and his arm is around me. I wasn’t sure if it was okay to rest my head on his chest until he insisted I do so. “Nothing hurts,” he assured me.
“I like snuggling with you.”
“Lexi,” he says on a long exhale. “I love snuggling with you. In fact, the more I do it, the stronger and healthier I feel.”
That makes me laugh. “Now you’re just being shameless.”
“I’d prefer to think of it as truthful. I want you to know how I’m feeling so you won’t have any doubt about how important you are to me.”
“You’ve been showing me who you really are from the first night we met up and every day since then.”
He reaches over to caress my face before he gently touches his lips to mine. “All I can think about is kissing you again. I have no idea what just happened in that movie or whether the Commanders won or if it’s even still Sunday.”
His words go straight to my heart. “You know the Commanders won.”
“That was very low on the list of cool things that happened today, and a Commanders win is never low on my list of priorities, except for when you’re snuggled up to me and filling my head with so many other thoughts.”
“What other thoughts?”
He turns on his side to face me, but his fingers continue to glide over my face, setting off fireworks inside me. “Things you’re not ready to hear.”
“Maybe I am.”
“I’m trying so hard to be respectful of how hard it’s been for you to even think about starting over with someone new.”
“You’ve been nothing but respectful, and just so you know, I haven’t given the first thought to starting over with anyone but you.”
He grins. “Don’t say stuff like that. My fragile heart can’t handle it.”
I playfully scowl at him. “We’re not talking about your heart being fragile.”
“My apologies. I won’t let that happen again.”
I can tell he’s surprised when I place my hand on his face and lean in to kiss him. “No more until you’re better.”
“But kissing you makes me better.”
“Sure it does.”
“No, really. I haven’t felt as good as I do right now since it happened.”
“You need to rest and relax, not get yourself worked up.”
“I’m talking to my cardiologist about this tomorrow.”
“He will tell you that you need to wait six to eight weeks after the stent procedure.”
“That’s not true. Where did you see that?”
“I checked online while you were napping earlier.”
“I need to see this for myself.”
“I’ll send you a link.”
“There’s good news and bad news.”
“Huh?”
“The good news is you were looking up how long we need to wait to have sex. The bad news is that it’s six to eight weeks. I don’t think I’ll make it that long now that I know how great it is to kiss you and hold you.” He nuzzles my neck and sets off more pyrotechnics inside me, making me wonder how I’ll last that long either.
“There’s more good news,” I tell him. “The same site said that kissing and snuggling and hand-holding is fine, as long as we don’t put any strain on your heart. And it said that you should be the passive partner at first.”
His whole body goes taut. “Oh my God, the images that just flashed through my mind nearly gave me another heart attack.”
“Tom!” I sputter with laughter, even though it’s not funny. “Cut that out.”
“Sorry, but it’s true. The thought of Lexi Nelson ‘tending to me’ is the hottest thing I can imagine.”
“Lexi Nelson is seriously out of practice, so don’t get too excited.”
“Too late. I’m already excited.”
I tell myself not to look, but I can’t help it.
Gulp.
“Is that good for your heart?”
“My heart has never felt better than it does right now.” He takes my hand and places it over the bulge in his sweats that extends all the way to his abdomen. Holy moly. Tom Hammett is huge.
Like a kid set loose in a candy store, I want to feel every bit of him, but then I regain my sanity and pull back my hand.
He groans loudly.
“I’m so afraid of doing something to set back your recovery.”
“Leaving me in this condition will set me back.”
“It will not.”
“Yes, it will.”
I feel like I’m discovering a whole new side to him since our relationship moved from friendship to romance. This flirty, sexy version of him is chipping away at any defenses I had left where he was concerned.
“I should get to bed. Back to work tomorrow.” Nothing can ruin a mood faster for me than thinking about the job I hate.
“Come sleep with me. Snuggling is good for my recovery.”
I want to. God, I really want to, but I’m so afraid of him overexerting himself. “Not tonight. Let’s save that for when you’re back to full strength.”
“I promise I won’t get worked up.”
That makes me laugh. “That’s an empty promise.”
“It’s far from empty, as I just demonstrated.”
I give him a gentle nudge to let me up, even though the last thing I want to do is end this perfect day.
He releases me, and I get up, straightening hair that has become a wild nest of curls from lying around all day. I offer him a hand up.
“I’m only accepting your help because I want to touch you, not because I need it.”
“Noted.”
When he’s standing, he brings my hand to his lips. “Sleep well.”
“You, too.”
“I’d sleep much better with you tucked up against me.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Yes, I would.”
“Wouldn’t.”
“Would.”
Our “argument” continues as I go into the kitchen to put dishes in the dishwasher and set up coffee for myself for the morning. Since artificially stimulating his central nervous system and heart rate is inadvisable, he’s off coffee for the time being. I feel for him and all the changes he has to make to keep his heart healthy, but I believe him when he says he’ll follow every order given to him, except the one about sex, apparently.
Fortunately, one of us is thinking somewhat clearly on that front.
“I want to sleep in a bed tonight.” He’s spent the last few nights in his recliner.
“I’ll walk you to your room.” My room is over the garage, which is a different set of stairs from where his bedroom is.
“You don’t need to.”
“Yes, I do.”
“All right, then.”
He takes the stairs slowly, which is a reminder that he’s not ready for any of the things he thinks he is. “God, this fucking sucks. I hate being feeble like this.”
“Just keep telling yourself that it’s temporary.”
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Tom, come on. I’m not judging you.”
“I’m judging myself and coming up short. I hate putting you through another medical ordeal after you’ve already had a lifetime’s worth.”
“Please don’t worry about it. All I care about is that you’re on the mend, and in a couple of weeks, you’ll be back to full strength.”
While he uses the bathroom, I put his phone on the bedside charger, turn down the bed and fluff his pillows.
I tuck him in with a kiss.
“Are you sure I can’t entice you to stay?” he asks hopefully.
“I’m sure. I might be gone when you wake up in the morning, but I’ll check on you during the day, okay?”
“I’ll look forward to that almost as much as I’ll look forward to you coming home.”
Smiling, I smooth the hair back from his forehead. “Today was a great day. The best day I’ve had in years. Thank you.”
“Thank you . It was the best day I’ve ever had, other than the feeble part.”
“You’re not feeble. You’re recovering from a heart attack. That doesn’t make you feeble. It makes you human.”
He continues to play with my hair. “I don’t like it.”
“Yes, you’ve mentioned that.”
“I’ve hardly been sick a day in my whole life.”
“You’ve been incredibly lucky. A few sick days won’t kill you but overdoing it before you’re ready just might. So don’t do that. We don’t want any setbacks.”
“Right. No setbacks. So the website really said six to eight weeks, huh?”
“It really did, and if you read the instructions they sent home from the hospital, you’ll find it says it there, too.”
“You’re a real buzz killer, you know that?”
“Grumpy Tom is cute Tom.”
“I’m not grumpy.”
“If you say so.” I kiss him once more and get up to leave. “Call me if you need me during the night.”
“What if I need another kiss?”
“Don’t call me for that.”
“Fine.”
“Fine. Good night, Tom.”
“Good night, Lexi. I miss you already.”
I can’t stop smiling as I go downstairs, shut off the lights and then go up another flight of stairs to my room over the garage.
My smile dims when I realize how far I am from him. What if he really does need me during the night? When he slept in the recliner, he was located at the bottom of the stairs to my room. Now he’s a whole house away from me.
Shit.
I change into pajamas, brush my teeth and bring my phone with the alarm set for the morning with me when I return to his side of the house.
He’s scrolling through his phone when I appear in the doorway. “May I help you, ma’am?”
“It occurred to me that I’m really far from you over there, and if you needed something, it would take me a minute to get to you, and worrying about that will keep me awake.”
“I believe I tried to tell you that.”
I walk into his room and go to the far side of his king-sized bed. “No, you tried to tell me you needed me tucked up against you while you sleep, which isn’t going to happen.”
He watches me with keen interest. “What is happening, then?”
“I’m sleeping over here, and you’re sleeping over there, and there will be absolutely no touching. Do I make myself clear?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
I bite back a laugh. He’s so grumpy!
I settle myself into his comfy bed and pull the covers up to my chest. When I glance his way, I find that he’s turned on his side to look at me.
“What?”
“Lexi Nelson is in my bed. You can bet your ass I’m going to enjoy this.”
“Shut the light off, Tom.”
“Not yet, Lexi. I need a few more minutes to commit this to memory.”
I roll my eyes at him.
“By the way, the pajamas are adorable.”
I have to think for a second about which ones I’m wearing. Ah, right, the ones with the calico cats on them that Jim gave me years ago for Christmas because they reminded him of the cat we had to rehome when we moved in with my parents. We couldn’t risk him falling over her, which was another heartbreak in a series of them.
“What just made you sad?”
“You’re supposed to be sleeping.”
“I can’t sleep when Lexi Nelson is sad.”
I love the way he uses my full name. “Jim bought me these pajamas because we had a cat who looked like the ones on the print.”
“That’s a sweet memory. Did it make you sad to think of it?”
“No, it made me sad to remember how we had to rehome our cat because we were afraid he might trip over her because she loved to be underfoot.”
“Aw, Lex, I’m sorry. That must’ve been so hard.”
“She was the first pet either of us ever had that was entirely ours, so it was heartbreaking to let her go. Luckily, she went to our friends, who brought her to visit us as often as they could. But it wasn’t the same.”
I haven’t thought about Lola in a long time, and recalling the moment when I knew she had to go is as searing today as it was then.
“What was her name?”
“Lola.”
“Is she still alive?”
“She died a year to the day after Jim did.”
“Ugh, that’s rough, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”
“Thank you.” I look over at him. “Grief is such a bitch sometimes. Here we are having this perfectly awesome day, and you made a perfectly innocuous comment about my pajamas, and it brings back a whole bunch of stuff that still hurts.”
He reaches across the bed to me.
I meet him halfway, and he links our fingers. I appreciate that he offers comfort rather than platitudes or any of the dumb shit people say to grieving people that makes us want to smack them.
“If I could have my way, nothing would ever hurt you again for the rest of your life.”
“That’s a very sweet goal.”
“I’ll do everything within my power to make it happen.”