Chapter 12
12
Wynter
I can’t stop staring at my daughter’s perfect face.
I have a daughter . And she looks exactly like her daddy. At first, that was a huge shock. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that was possible. It was just hard to believe how much she resembles Jaden. His mother and I have talked about it a few times, how it’s both the most amazing thing and the most difficult at the same time.
That’s grief for you, always an asshole even at the best of times.
To look at my sweet Willow, you’d never know my DNA was included with his. My mother said she’s him all over again.
Adrian comes into the nursery that we lovingly put together for her in what used to be the spare bedroom at his house. He’s wearing only the formfitting boxer briefs that still make my mouth water with desire for him long after I first saw him wearing only them.
We were like bunnies in the weeks before Willow’s birth. Pregnancy made me super horny, and Adrian was more than happy to oblige. Normally, the sight of him in nothing but those briefs (or even better—nothing at all) would get my motor running. But nothing like that is happening any time soon as I contend with stitches and other horrors after giving birth.
Hemorrhoids, for one thing.
What a nightmare! But hey, childbirth is the most natural thing in the world. My ass, it is. I’ll never complain about anything having to do with Willow’s birth, though. It ended with a healthy baby and mother, which are all that matter after Adrian lost his wife, Sadie, immediately following the birth of their son, Xavier.
“You’re still up?” he whispers.
“Can’t drag myself away.”
“You’re supposed to sleep when she does.”
“I know, but I don’t want to miss anything.”
“Wynter, you have to get some sleep. Our little girl will need you to be well-rested. Let me put her in the bassinet.”
I don’t want to, but he’s far more experienced with newborns than I am, so I hand her over to him.
“Come to bed.”
“I’m coming.”
I follow him into our room and watch as he tucks our sleeping girl into the bassinet that he used after Xavier was born. It feels weird to leave her uncovered, but I remind myself that she’s wearing the equivalent of a blanket and will be fine. We were told to put nothing at all in the bassinet, to keep her safe while she’s sleeping. Jaden’s grandmother crocheted the most gorgeous blanket for her that I’m saving for when she gets a little older.
“Now, Mommy,” he whispers as he guides me to my side of our bed and tucks me in. “Can I get you anything?”
“Just your arms around me.”
“Coming right up.”
I bite back a laugh at the frisky way he says that.
He gets in on his side of the bed and comes right over to me. Knowing how sore I am, he’s careful when he puts an arm around me. “Is this okay?”
“Mmm, yes. Thank you for everything you’ve done to make this transition so easy for me.”
“Watching you in mommy mode has been among the most exciting things in my whole life. I never got that with Sadie and Xavier.”
“Is it making you sad all over again for what she missed?”
“I’ll always be sad about that, but the joy over our sweet girl—and the relief that it’s over and everyone is okay—outweighs the sadness.”
“You were a trouper, love. I’m so proud of the way you overcame your fears to be there for me.”
“I’m not sure I deserve that.”
“You absolutely do. You never left my side for more than a few minutes the whole time I was in labor, and you treated me like a queen when I was pregnant.”
He kisses my cheek. “You are my queen.”
“Love you so much.”
“Love you more.”
“Nope.”
“Yep.”
It’s still amazing sometimes to be in a bed with Adrian as his son and now my daughter are asleep under the same roof. I wonder where Jaden has gone, and I know Adrian still looks around, expecting to find Sadie. Life has marched forward since we lost our spouses almost two years ago, and now we have this whole new life together that’s made us both so happy, even as we continue to mourn the ones we loved and lost.
“I can’t get over how much she looks like Jaden.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I love it. I really do. It’s just sort of… I don’t even know how to describe it.”
“The other day, Xavier made a face that was all Sadie. It was one of her trademark expressions that just appeared out of nowhere and flattened me for five full minutes. It was the craziest thing.”
“You never mentioned it.”
“You’ve been a little busy, babe.”
“Still, you should’ve told me.”
“It was a good thing. Everyone says he looks like me, but for that brief moment, he was all her, and I loved it once it stopped hurting like a bitch.”
“Yeah, that’s it… I love that she looks like him, but it hurts, too. Makes me miss him even more than I already do. He’d be flipping out over her, and he’d love that she looks like him.”
“After seeing some of your Jaden videos, I can almost picture his reactions to her. I’m sure he’d be flat on his face in love with her the way we are.”
“Thank you for loving my little girl.”
“She’s our little girl, and I’ll always love her the way you love Xavier. He’s so happy to have a baby sister.”
“Life is so effed up and crazy and also beautiful and amazing, isn’t it?”
“It sure is. Since you proved to me I have nothing to worry about with you and pregnancy and childbirth, we should have one together.”
I groan as he laughs. “Talk to me about that when I can pee without wanting to scream from the pain.”
“Will do.”
“Look at you, conquering your fears and living your best life.”
“Thanks to you and our babies. Love you so, so much, Wynter.”
“Love you, too, Adrian.”
Lexi
I hate my job with a fiery passion. It’s so boring! All I do for eight straight hours—with half an hour for lunch—is enter data into spreadsheets. I have no idea what the numbers mean or how the information is used by the organization. They don’t include me in any of the meetings at which they crunch the data I import to make decisions. That’s fine with me because I don’t care what they do with the information.
I don’t even understand the mission of this place. Something about connecting companies with qualified contractors or some such thing.
Whatever. I do my job and collect a much-needed paycheck every two weeks. Other than one woman who’s become a sort-of friend, I barely talk to anyone over the course of a day, which is fine. I’m not looking to make more friends.
My boss, Erika, is nice enough, but I don’t have much contact with her, except by email when she forwards the daily reports from which I gather the data that’s then inputted into the spreadsheets. If I never see another spreadsheet, that’ll be fine with me.
Earbuds are essential to my sanity. I listen to podcasts and music, which help me survive the long days. I think I’ve listened to every grief podcast in existence, which is both helpful and depressing at times. Whatever it takes to pass eight hours of drudgery, even if I’m sobbing at my desk. No one pays any attention to what I do, so I’m free to sob as needed.
I’m three hours into what promises to be another endless day because I’m tired after waking up every few minutes—or so it seemed—to make sure Tom was still breathing. He was fine, but I’m an anxious wreck. Worrying about him has triggered me. I decide to lean into it and let it be what it is until he’s back to full health. After that, if the anxiety is still an issue, I’ll reach out to the therapist who was so instrumental in getting me through Jim’s illness and death. I haven’t seen her in quite some time, which she says is a good thing. It proves I don’t need her the way I once did.
Erika startles me when she suddenly appears in my cubicle. I haven’t seen her in two weeks, so I’m taken aback.
I remove my headphones. “Hi.”
“Hey, Lexi. Could I see you in the office for a minute?”
What the hell? I haven’t been in her office since she interviewed me. “Um, sure.” I save my work, because God forbid I should have to redo any of it and get up to follow her.
“Close the door.”
After I close the door and take a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk, she lets out a deep sigh.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you that we’re facing budget cuts due to missing our targets for the last two quarters, so we’re laying you off. Your medical insurance will be covered for three more months, and you’ll receive a month’s salary as severance. You’ll also be paid for all your remaining vacation and personal days.” She hands me two pieces of paper. “One of those pages outlines all your remaining benefits and compensation. The other is a reference I wrote for you. Please feel free to have any prospective employers call me. I’ll be happy to recommend you.”
I’m in shock. I’ve barely heard anything she said after “laying you off.” I hate the job, but I need it. Badly.
“Lexi… Are you all right? I feel terrible about this.”
When she called to offer me the job, I told her that I was a widow and there might be times when I seemed off. I wanted her to know why.
“I hate to do this to you on top of everything else…”
“It’s okay.” I want out of there before I lose my composure, so I tell her what she needs to hear. “I’ll be fine.”
If there’s a silver lining, I’ll never again have to spend eight hours putting numbers into spreadsheets that mean nothing to me.
A soft knock on the door sounds.
“Come in.”
One of the guys is standing there with a box in his hands. I can’t remember his name. We met on the first day, and I hadn’t seen him since.
“Justin has packed up your desk and will walk you out.”
I’ve heard of this kind of thing happening to other people, but until it happens to me, I don’t understand how demoralizing it is that they don’t trust me to pack up my own desk or to not be destructive on the way out.
I’d have to care to do something like that. I get up, take my box from Justin and brush past him on my way to the exit. I don’t need him to show me the way since my favorite part of every day I’ve spent there is when I leave.
It’s just as well, I tell myself as I walk out the main doors and head for my car. I hated every minute of that job, but it served the purpose of helping me make enough to pay down some of the debt.
At least they gave me severance and health coverage for a while, which is a relief.
For a long time after I stash the box in the passenger seat and get into the driver’s side, I sit there and stare straight ahead, absorbing the latest blow.
What now?
It took months of applying for every job I could find to get this one, and as much as I hated it, I didn’t want to lose it. Before Jim got sick, I was a third-grade teacher. By the time he died, the thought of supervising twenty eight-year-olds all day had lost its luster. Truth be told, it’d lost its luster long before Jim’s diagnosis.
My phone buzzes with a text from Brielle. Single ladies… Are we still on for dinner tonight? And, Lex, how is Tom doing?
Brielle, Naomi, Hallie, Joy and I get together on our own sometimes, separate from the other Wild Widows who are in new relationships. We jokingly call ourselves the holdouts. I’ve been the biggest holdout with almost three years since Jim died without so much as a date.
Although, they argue I’ve been on a months-long date with Tom since I moved in with him, complete with romantic candlelit dinners most nights. I denied that emphatically, but now I’m not so sure. They may be right.
Almost losing him has shaken me out of my years-long stupor to be reminded once again that life is short, and we must live every day to the fullest. Being with him makes me feel good, and that’s the best possible reason to make myself ready for him after feeling like total shit for so long. He’s like a breath of much-needed fresh air in my life.
Tom is doing well, I respond. Can I let you know later if I can make it? I want to make sure he doesn’t need anything.
Fine by me, Brielle says. Usual place and time. Hope to see you!
We go to the same Mexican restaurant every time—and every time, we talk about how we need to broaden our horizons, but then we end up back there the next time. Joy says there’s no reason to tempt fate when we’re happy where we are.
That reasoning applies to more than just the restaurant.
Why tempt fate, indeed. Like we don’t have enough heartache without inviting in more.
Although now that I’ve lost my job, I have much bigger concerns than whether I have the guts to fall in love again. The massive debt isn’t going anywhere, and being out of work for any length of time simply isn’t an option.
I start the car and head for home, bringing the unsettled feeling with me, but glad I can be there for Tom while he recovers. His sister was going to stop in today to check on him. Hopefully, I’ll have another job lined up by the time he’s ready to get back to work.
When I arrive at Tom’s, his truck is in the garage, and there are no other vehicles in the driveway. I hate the slight trepidation I experience as I grab the box of my work things and go inside, hoping to find him sitting in the recliner and not passed out on the floor.
As I come up the stairs to the living room, I notice his chair is empty. “Tom?”
“In here.”
I follow the sound of his voice to the kitchen in the back of the house. “What’re you doing?”
He’s wearing sweats and a T-shirt, and his hair is wet from a shower. “Making a smoothie.”
“I can do that for you.”
“I’ve got it.” He glances over his shoulder, his gaze settling on the box I’m carrying. “What’re you doing home so early?”
“I got laid off.”
His face falls with dismay. “Oh shit, Lex. I’m sorry.”
I shrug. “At least I never have to look at another one of their spreadsheets again.”
“There is that. Are you okay?”
“I will be. A little freaked out about the financial implications, but they gave me severance and three months of health insurance before they escorted me out, so it could be worse.”
“I’m sorry that happened.”
“Did you take a shower when you were home alone?”
“Maybe.”
“Should you be doing that?”
“I’m fine. I swear.”
“What if you weren’t fine in the shower while you were home alone?”
My anxiety immediately spikes to the danger zone.
Seeming to sense that, he crosses to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “I’m okay, Lex. Are you?”
“I, um… I came home once to find Jim had fallen in the shower. He… he hit his head and couldn’t get up on his own. He was there for about three hours by the time I found him. The water had gone cold, so he was… He had a concussion and hypothermia.”
“God, Lexi. I’m so sorry I did something to remind you of that.”
“Y-you didn’t. I just… I don’t want something like that to happen to you.”
“It won’t. I promise. If I didn’t feel strong enough, I never would’ve done it. I don’t want to end up back in the hospital. Believe me.” As he gathers me into his warm embrace, I realize I’m trembling from the memory of Jim’s fall. That was when we realized we could no longer live by ourselves.
And then I wonder if maybe I’m trembling because Tom is holding me the way a lover would, and after the way he kissed me and held me yesterday, it’s clear we’ll be lovers before too much longer at this rate. Every nerve in my body is attuned to him as I breathe in the clean, fresh scent of his body wash.
“Hold on to me, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”
Every muscle in my body has gone tense, so it takes a second to relax and give in to the comfort he’s offering.
I’m not sure how long we stand there wrapped up in each other before we hear a car door closing outside and reluctantly separate.
He stares at me. “I, um… That felt good. Really, really good.”
I can only nod.
“Let’s do that again soon, okay?”
“Um, okay.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me for doing something that felt so good.”
“Tom—”
“Morning!” Cora comes up the stairs carrying grocery bags, unaware that she’s walking into an emotional firestorm.
At least, that’s what it is for me.
“What are you doing home, Lexi? Thought you were working today.” She starts unloading her bags. “Is everything okay?”
Tom glances at me as if he’s uncertain whether he should tell her my news.
“I got laid off.”
Cora stops what she’s doing and turns to me. “Oh no. I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. I’m trying to see it as a blessing in disguise. I hated the job.”
“Who do we know who’s hiring?”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I tell her. “I’m going to take a second to figure out my next move.”
“But surely we know someone.”
“Cora,” Tom says, “ease up. Lexi needs a minute to catch her breath.”
“Of course. I’m sorry. It’s the mom in me. I see a problem, and I want to fix it.”
“Which is very kind of you.”
“If you want me to pass on some leads to you, just let me know. Between all of us, we know a lot of people with businesses who are always looking for good help.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you.”
Cora shifts her focus to Tom. “You look better today.”
“I feel better.”
“I’m so glad to hear that.”
I don’t know her very well, but even I can see that she’s wound tighter than a drum and running off adrenaline after her brother’s near miss. I can’t imagine what kind of trauma his incident has resurrected in each of them after losing their father in a similar fashion.
Good old trauma, always in there, waiting to remind you that you’re powerless against memories you wish you could forget forever.
“I’ll be home until at least dinnertime,” I tell Cora, “if you have other things you need to do today.”
“I could use a day at home,” Cora says. “My house is a disaster.”
“Go ahead,” Tom tells her. “We’re fine.”
“I bought ingredients for power bowls full of kale and quinoa and other things that are heart-healthy.”
“Yummy,” Tom says with a grimace. “Kale. My favorite.”
I laugh at the face he makes.
“I know,” Cora says. “It’s gross but good for you.”
Tom gives her a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for everything. You’ve been amazing. But you can exhale. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to eat the kale and the quinoa and all the other good things to stay healthy so I can drive you all crazy when I’m a hundred and two and losing my teeth.”
Cora laughs even as her eyes fill with tears. “I’ll hold you to that.”
Tom hugs her. “I have no doubt you will. Go home. Clean your house. Take a deep breath. Everything is okay.”
“Fine. Be that way.” She wipes tears off her face. “If you do this to me again, I’ll never forgive you.”
“I hear you.”
Cora squeezes my arm. “Thank you for everything.”
“I haven’t done anything.”
“Yes, you have. You saved his life, and we’ll always be grateful to you for that.”
“Oh, well… I’m glad I was here when it counted.”
“We’re all thankful for that.” She grabs her purse and her cloth grocery bags. “Okay, I’m gone. Call me if you need anything.”
Tom walks her to the door. “We won’t need anything but a visit after you’ve taken a few days for yourself.”
“If you don’t check in, I’ll worry.”
“I’ll check in. Now go. Get out of my hair.”
She smiles, kisses him on the cheek and walks out the door.
“Sheesh.” After he waves her off, he comes up the stairs, taking them one at a time rather than two at a time the way he usually does. “I thought she was going to move in for a minute there.”
“You’re lucky to have her and Lydia.”
“And I know it.”
“I wish I had siblings. I feel like everything would be easier if I did.”
“In some ways, it is. In others, it’s a pain in the ass, but I’m always thankful for them. Never more so than this week.”
“You need to be thankful for them all the time.”
“I know.” He smiles. “What do you feel like doing with this unexpected day off?”
“I have no idea.”
“You want to go for a ride? I’m feeling a little stir crazy, and I need to take a look at a couple of job sites.”
“You’re not cleared to go back to work yet.”
“I won’t do anything but look.”
“In that case, let’s go for a ride.”