Chapter 25
25
Lexi
I love the outside of their house as much as the inside. Like everything with Iris, it’s warm and inviting. We fill plates with crackers, cheese, dip and appetizers and land on the sofas that surround the firepit. Tom sits on a footstool next to me, his arm propped on my knee as he drinks from a water bottle he brought with him. He had a couple of sips of champagne at lunch earlier but has mostly given up drinking alcohol after the heart attack.
Naomi and Kinsley arrive together, followed by Adrian, Wynter, Xavier and baby Willow.
We make room on the sofas, and I end up next to Wynter and Willow.
“My goodness, she’s pretty, Wynter.”
“Isn’t she? I know I’m not supposed to say that, but whatever. She’s stunning.”
“She really is, and you can say whatever you want about her.”
“I agree.” She nudges my arm. “So that’s the new guy, huh? I hear he’s quite terrific.”
Tom, who was talking to Trey, Gage, Derek and Luke, turns back to us. “I can hear you.”
“Oh, and he’s cute, too,” Wynter says.
“You must be Wynter.”
“How’d you guess?”
“You’re the one who says everything you think, right?”
“That’d be me. This is my daughter, Willow. I have a daughter!”
“Congratulations,” Tom says, smiling. “She’s gorgeous.”
Adrian’s son, Xavier, toddles over to Wynter, wanting her attention, and she deftly handles both kids, sending Xavier away happy with a small bag of Goldfish crackers.
“You’re good at this mommy thing.”
“You really think so?”
“I certainly do. You were a great nanny to Xavier, and you’ll be an awesome mom to both your babies.”
“We’re going to make it official with adoptions. Willow will be a Hartley, because that’s important to Jaden’s family—and me. But Adrian will be her legal father.”
“I love that for all of you.”
“Sometimes it’s all still surreal, you know? Jaden is gone, Willow is here, Adrian and Xavier are my family now… We’re theirs.”
“Life is strange and wonderful.” I lean in closer to whisper, “I’m sleeping with my high school crush.”
“Was it worth the wait?”
“Very much so, but I never would’ve skipped over Jim to get to Tom.”
“I know that. You don’t even have to say it. I suppose we can’t do anything but fully enjoy the moment we’re in while always remembering Jaden and Jim.”
“Yeah, for sure.”
We share a smile full of heartache, joy, grief and love.
When I first met Wynter, I never would’ve expected to one day consider her a close friend. She was so bitter, obnoxious and difficult. We gave her a ton of grace and space to mourn the loss of her young husband to bone cancer. She’s repaid us a million times over by being a friend we all adore.
“With everyone here,” Iris says, “let’s introduce ourselves to Luke and Angela again.”
“I’m Brielle. The little red-headed ginger inside is my son, Charlie. I was expecting him when my husband, Mark, was killed in a skiing accident while attending his brother’s bachelor party.”
“Naomi. My fiancé, David, died of lymphoma. I’ll be forever thankful that this group allowed a not-quite-widow into the group.”
“You’re one of us, Nay,” Iris says. “I’m Iris. My husband, Mike, who was a corporate pilot, died in a plane crash. My three kids are Tyler, Sophia and Laney. After a rough few years, we’re all doing much better these days. And this guy is my fiancé, Gage Collier.”
“I lost my first wife and twin eight-year-old daughters to a drunk driver.”
“I love your Instagram account, Gage,” Angela says.
Luke nods. “Me, too. A few weeks ago, I went all the way back to the beginning and fell down the Gage Collier rabbit hole. Your words have helped me more than you’ll ever know.”
“Thank you. That’s nice to hear.”
Iris smiles at Gage, who seems embarrassed by the praise.
“I remember being right where you are now.” Gage’s warm gaze takes in Angela and Luke. “I didn’t have children anymore, but I was left to start over when I really liked the life I already had. None of the progress you see here, for any of us who’ve re-partnered, happened easily or quickly or painlessly.”
“Gage is so right. I’m Derek. My wife, Victoria, was murdered by Arnie Patterson and his band of thugs, who also held my one-year-old daughter, Maeve, hostage for a time. If you’d asked me then if I’d ever take another chance on love or romance or any of it, I would’ve said no freaking way. Maeve and I muddled through, thanks to my parents and some great friends and a wonderful nanny. Then we met Roni, who was pregnant with her late husband Patrick’s son, Dylan, and now we’re engaged and raising each other’s children. Like Gage said, nothing about it was simple or painless.”
“My husband, Patrick, was hit by a stray bullet on a DC street when he was out to lunch,” Roni adds. “I met Derek long before I was ready for chapter two, which is what we call it in widow circles. He waited for me, and now I have a whole new life that I never wanted until I had no choice but to figure out a new path forward. Patrick and Victoria are very present in our new life. We speak of them often, and it’s important that our children know that their biological parents loved them very much.”
“I feel like I’m back in college and y’all are the professors,” Luke says with a wry grin.
“You can call me Dr. Wynter,” she says to laughter. “I’m the little kid of the crowd. I lost my twenty-year-old husband, Jaden, to bone cancer. We had one of those tragic hospital weddings that people have when time is running out. Later, I found out he’d frozen sperm before his treatment began, so I decided to have our little Willow.” She glances toward Adrian. “I’m living with Adrian and his son, Xavier, and we’re making a family together. And like the others said, it’s all complicated and messy and perfect and all the things.”
“One of these people once told me that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans,” Adrian says.
“Compliments of John Lennon,” Gage adds.
“Cheers to Lennon.” Adrian raises his beer bottle to Gage. “I had other plans with my wife, Sadie, until she died suddenly right after having Xavier. I’ll never get over that she didn’t even get to hold the baby she’d wanted so badly. The best day of our lives became the worst—and best—of mine.”
“I’m so sorry, Adrian,” Angela says. “That’s so sad.”
“It was horrible, as was losing Sadie’s mother suddenly just a few months later. She’d been like a mother to me, too, and was so critical in getting me through those early months with Xavier, and then she was gone, too. It was unbearable.”
Wynter reaches for his hand.
He sends her a small smile. “We’re doing better, but the sadness is always there for what Sadie missed, what we’ve all missed with her and her mom, who died of a broken heart, if you ask me.”
“It’s amazing that more of us don’t die from the heartbreak,” Luke says. “Sometimes I wonder how it’s possible to survive it.”
Kinsley nods. “I feel that. My husband, Rory, died of pancreatic cancer forty-two days after he was diagnosed. I look back at that time as a whirlwind of bad news on top of worse news. It happened so fast, I’d barely adapted to his diagnosis when he was gone. I haven’t met my chapter two, and it’s possible that I won’t, but watching my friends get there has been such a source of inspiration for me.”
“Same,” I say as I smile at Kinsley. “ALS widow here. My husband, Jim, endured four years of hell before he died three years ago. Tom Terrific and I have only recently gotten together, but we’ve known of each other since high school. We lived together as platonic roommates for almost a year before it became romantical.”
Tom looks back at me in amusement. “Romantical. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”
I shrug. “Whatever it is, it’s working for me.” I lean in to kiss him while the others catcall and act like fools.
“I’m Christy, and I lost my husband, Wes, to an aortic dissection that happened in front of our kids, Josie and Shawn, who you met inside. We had a bunch of rough and difficult years, but we’re doing better these days, thanks in large part to the wisdom of this brain trust that Iris and I founded along with another friend who’s now remarried and not active in the group anymore. This is Trey, who recently talked me into a new relationship that’s making me happy, even if I continue to mourn what I lost with Wes.”
“Talked you into it, huh?” Trey asks. “You led me on a merry chase.”
Christy smiles with satisfaction because that’s true.
“I’m Hallie, and this is my partner, Robin. I lost my wife, Gwen, to suicide a few years ago and have recently started seeing Robin. We’re taking it a day at a time and enjoying ourselves with many, many, many complications.”
“She’s referring to my stage-four breast cancer, my ex-husband, my tween and teen kids, among other things,” Robin says. “But I’m thankful for this time with Hallie and to meet all of you. She speaks of you so lovingly.”
“We’re happy to meet you, too, Robin,” Roni says.
“Tell me the truth. Are you terrified for Hallie?” Robin asks.
The rest of us exchange glances.
“It’s okay,” Robin says. “You don’t have to answer that. Just know that I understand why you would be, and all I can say is I’m going to love her so much for however long I have left. And when I’m gone, I hope I can count on all of you to be there for her.”
Damn it, the woman has made us all cry.
“Hell yes,” I tell her. “We’re here for her now and forever.”
Joy is still mopping up tears when she says, “Absolutely. I’m Mama Joy, mother to all. At least in my mind, I am.”
“You are,” I say. “One thousand percent.”
“My husband, Craig, died in his sleep at thirty-four from natural causes. Whatever that means.”
“I’m an internist,” Luke says. “It means they have no clue.”
“That’s what I’ve been told. I’m getting by thanks to this band of misfit toys.”
“Hey,” Naomi says, laughing with the rest of us.
“We’re a ragged bunch of misfits,” Iris says, “who love each other fiercely and will take you in, Luke and Angela, and make you part of us, if you’d still like to be after getting this up close and personal view of us.”
“Before you decide anything,” I say, “let me tell you a little story about how this group has been there for me. Mama Joy here took it upon herself to apply for a grant on my behalf that relieved me of hundreds of thousands in medical debt that my husband’s insurance didn’t cover. She’s freed me from a lifetime of being shackled to the nightmare we endured during his illness, and she did it simply because she loves me, and she wanted to. I can give you countless other examples of how these people have stepped up for each other in big and small ways.”
“That’s incredible, Joy,” Angela says.
“It made me happy to do it, and we’re all about finding happiness anywhere we can these days.”
“That’s been a challenge for me,” Angela says. “My husband, Spencer, died of an accidental fentanyl overdose, which I’m sure you all read about since it happened at Camp David with my sister and brother-in-law, the first couple.”
“Oh damn,” Luke says. “I remember that from the holidays last year, right?”
“Yes. Feels like a minute ago and a lifetime ago at the same time.”
Luke nods. “I know that feeling. My wife, Isabella—also known as Bella—was diagnosed with colon cancer when we were expecting our youngest. She postponed treatment to see the pregnancy through. She died eighteen months after Phoebe was born. Even knowing it was coming…”
“Doesn’t make the reality of it any easier,” I say.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Managing the kids’ grief has been the hardest part for me,” Angela says. “My son, Jack, was very close to his dad. It’s been brutal.”
“I agree. The kids have been the tough part. Well, hell, it’s all hard. Bella and I were together for twelve years. I’m lost without her.”
Josie, who’s been in charge of the kids inside with Shawn, brings Charlie to his mother. “He was feeling a little sad.”
Brielle takes her little boy and holds him close.
“How about some dinner?” Iris says as some of the others get up to help her.
“That was quite something,” Tom says softly to only me.
“I’m glad you got the full experience.”
“So am I. The courage, strength, perseverance… It’s very inspiring.”
“Yes, it is.” I kiss him. “I’m going to help Iris. Be right back.”
“I’ll be here.”
I walk inside with Kinsley and Naomi, chatting about our two new members and how well they seem to fit in with us. Not that we do a ton of vetting or anything like that, but new people are usually screened by whoever invites them to join. Roni will have taken the time to get to know Angela, and Iris and Gage have befriended Luke as well. It’s hard to resist offering our kind of help to people who need it so badly.
Iris assigns me to toss the salad, which has been prepped in advance with containers of chopped vegetables. She’s very good at this entertaining thing, probably because she’s constantly entertaining all of us. Tom and I should have everyone over to our place sometime to give her a break.
I’ve no sooner had that thought than a shout comes from outside that has Gage running for the door.
I hear someone yell, “Call 911,” and my whole body goes cold with fear. I want to ask what’s wrong and who is it, but I’m frozen in place as everything shifts into the kind of high gear that indicates a true emergency.
Iris rushes back inside and comes to me. “It’s Tom.”
My knees buckle, and I would’ve fallen to the ground if she hadn’t been there to hold me up. Please God. No. No. No.
Iris guides me to a chair.
I should be with him, but I can’t make my body follow the frantic screams coming from my brain.
“Josie, get the kids and take them upstairs, now .” Christy’s no-nonsense tone is one I’ve never heard before.
The paramedics come rushing into the house and are led to the patio where Tom, my Tom, is having some sort of crisis.
“I need to be with him.”
“No, you shouldn’t.”
“I need to know…”
“Give them a minute.”
She never leaves my side, keeping her arms around me as my mind runs the gamut from worst case to best case.
“Is he dead, Iris? Please just tell me if he is.”
“I don’t know, honey. Try to stay positive until we know what’s going on, okay?”
How do I stay positive just over two weeks since he survived a widow-maker heart attack?
Gage comes rushing into the kitchen. “He’s awake and asking for you, Lex.”
It takes a few seconds for his words to register, and then I get up and run for him, through the door, down the steps and into the scrum of people surrounding him on the EMS stretcher.
He reaches out when he sees me coming. “I’m okay, baby. I fainted. That’s all it is, but they want to take me in to make sure there’s nothing else. I was feeling hungry and a bit light-headed before it happened. It’s nothing. I swear.”
I fall on him, sobbing.
He runs his hand over my back.
“We’d like to transport him just to rule out any complications after the cardiac incident,” one of the EMTs says.
I hear him, but I’m not ready to let Tom go yet.
“It’s okay,” Tom says again. “I promise, I’m fine. I got light-headed, and the next thing I knew, I was looking up at EMTs.”
“We’ll get you to the hospital, Lex,” Iris says as she helps me up.
“I’ll go with her,” Joy says to Iris. “You stay and feed the people, Iris. Hopefully, we’ll be back soon.”
I’m moved along to Joy’s car and buckled in. Like before, I feel removed from what’s happening around me as we follow the ambulance to Inova. Déjà vu all over again.
“He fainted, baby. He’s fine. Probably has nothing to do with the heart attack.”
I cling to Joy’s reassurances, but I’m unable to form words or thoughts or feel anything other than panic. Right when I started to get comfortable with him, with the idea of a future with him… That it could be ripped away from me in a single second is too overwhelming to process. At least with Jim, I had some warning that he would leave me. I’m not sure how to cope with the possibility of Tom leaving me suddenly.
What if we get to the hospital and he’s gone?
I wish I never looked up the meaning of the widow-maker. That was a huge mistake.
My hands are shaking so hard that I tuck them between my knees to control the trembles.
Joy has both hands on the wheel as she tries to keep up with the ambulance. “Talk to me, Lex.”
“Don’t know what to say.”
“He fainted. He’s fine. He said so himself.”
“Why did he faint, though?”
“Could be anything. People faint all the time. Low blood sugar or overheated. He was sitting close to the fire. That could be it.”
“What if it’s not nothing?”
“Then they’ll deal with it and get him back on the road to recovery.”
“We had sex. They told him to wait two to four weeks. We lasted ten days. And there was a lot of sex. What if that’s what happened?”
Joy’s warm hand lands on my leg, her heat permeating the block of ice I’ve become. “That’s not what happened.”
“How do you know?” I sound hysterical, even to myself.
“Baby, that man was glowing tonight. All of us saw it. He’s with the love of his life, and nothing in this world will separate him from you if he can prevent it.”
“I can’t do this again, Joy. I just can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You’ve proven to yourself and all of us that there’s nothing you can’t survive. Look at what Hallie has gotten herself into. Robin will probably die sooner rather than later, but Hallie has decided to spend as much time as she can with Robin, knowing what’s in store for her after. She’s found the courage to do it anyway, and you can, too.”
“I don’t know if I can. I’m not strong like Hallie is.”
“Oh my God, that’s so not true! You’re as strong as Hallie, as any of us. If only you could see yourself the way we see you. What you did for Jim, for all those years, my goodness, Lexi! I couldn’t have done it.”
“Yes, you could have.”
“No, I honestly don’t think I could. Medical stuff makes me sick. Like, I literally vomit at the sight of anything gross. I couldn’t do it the way you did. I’d be useless in that situation.”
“I would’ve thought the same until I had no choice.”
“And yet, you stepped up to do what needed to be done, and you will again. No matter what it is. I have complete faith in you, Lex. You’re a survivor.”
“I’m so tired of being a survivor. I want to be a thriver again.”
“You will be. You have been. Look at the strides you’ve made in the last year, moving out of your parents’ basement and forming this deep bond with Tom that’s now turned into so much more, and now this new opportunity working for the ALS Association. Your life is on fire, and Jim is so, so proud of the way you’ve slayed widowhood. I know he is.”
A sob erupts from my chest as my composure cracks wide open.
Joy pulls up behind the ambulance.
We can see that Tom is sitting up on the stretcher, probably looking for me.
“Check out your man,” Joy says. “Totally fine and wanting to know where his love is. Go to him, Lex. Go to him and stay with him for as long as you possibly can. Enjoy every second knowing it could be the last one for any of us at any given time. Go live your life, baby.”
I give her a tight hug. “I love you more than ice cream.”
She laughs hard. “I love you more than dogs.”
“ Whoa. ”
“Right? Go. Be happy with your man. Live your one wild and precious life.”
“I’m going. Thank you for being the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“Back atcha.”
“Not even close, but I don’t have time to argue right now.”
“No, you don’t.”
I get out of the car and run over to where Tom is being greeted by doctors in scrubs as he tells them he’s fine, he fainted, and nothing is wrong.
I take the hand he extends to me. “Shut up, Tom, and let them be the judge of that.”
“Thank you,” one of the doctors says, shooting a smile at me over her shoulder as they roll him inside with none of the urgency that occurred last time.
“Oh no, you’ve been crying over me. I’m fine, Lex. Completely fine.”
“We’ll let the doctors decide if that’s true.”
“I’m so sorry to do this to you—again. I fainted. That’s all it was. I was hungry and hot and?—”
“Tom, stop. Take a breath.”
“I can’t lose you, Lex. I think that might actually kill me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Because I wouldn’t blame you?—”
“Tom?”
“What?”
“Stop talking.”
We’ve reached the double doors to the treatment area, where I expect them to tell me to have a seat and they’ll come find me when they know what’s going on.
“Come on back to help us manage him,” the doctor says. “I have a feeling it’ll go better for all of us if you’re there.”
Tom smiles. “Everything is better when she’s here.”