24. Celso
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Celso
R ight now, staring at Neve as she tries to hold herself together, I can see the pain I’ve caused. I can see the damage I’ve done, and my mind is in overdrive trying to figure out how to fix it.
“Neve I did it because I couldn’t be without you. I couldn’t let you leave the city. I couldn’t let you go to college somewhere far away from me. Don’t you get it. I need you here. I can’t be without you. I didn’t this all so that we can be together - and we’re happy now?—”
She shakes her head as I try to step towards her again .
“Don’t you dare touch me.” She snarls. “You’ve done all of this for yourself . You didn’t do this for me. You did this so that you could get what you wanted. How do you know I wouldn’t have been happier with any of those other guys? How do you it wasn’t my dream to go to that college? You made the choices for me. You have been manipulating my life for years.” She’s so angry her face is bright red from shouting.
I can see her hands shaking and the tears are streaming down her cheeks and soaking her white top.
“My angel.” I mutter, breaking apart inside. “Please, try to understand why?—”
“There is no why that justifies murder - and what you did to my father.” She stammers in disbelief.
“Your father - all I did was show the world who he was. And Damion - he said the most terrible things about you. He was using you and your family. He didn’t care about you at all. No one has a right to speak about you like that. And you would have ended up trapped in a marriage to that man. ”
“That may be so.” She says. “But you - you.” She breaks down, her voice snapping and her words no long audible. Neve pushes past me as she hurries to our bedroom.
I follow close behind her. Wanting to help her. Wanting to comfort her, but the hate in her eyes dares me to even come close to her without consequences.
Neve grabs a suitcase out of the closet and starts throwing clothing into it.
“Don’t leave. I’m begging you don’t leave me.” I drop to my knees and wrap my hands over my eyes. “Please, Neve. You don’t understand. If you leave, I will be destroyed. I will have no reason left to live.”
She turns to glare at me.
“I can’t be here right now, Celso. I can’t bear the sight of you.”
She grabs the handle of the suitcase and storms from the bedroom. I can’t move. I can’t stand up and I can’t turn to watch her walk away.
The front door closes with a bang and there is silence .
Heavy, empty, stony silence.
Th only thing I’ve ever wanted - I just lost.
The most precious thing in the entire world has walked out of my life and I don’t think she will ever speak to me again.
I should have deleted that folder. I should have made sure she could never find out.
But somewhere deep inside me I left it there so that she could stumble upon it.
Somewhere deep inside me I wanted her to know who I really was - and I wanted her to love me, anyway.
I wanted her to love me despite the darkness I can sense, drifting through my veins. The bitter heart I have towards anything that isn’t her.
She is the reason I don’t have to be that person. She is the only thing that holds the darkness at bay and the reason I have to be better.
Without her - without the chance of ever having her again - I am a monster.
I am nothing but a demon .
The dark ache that begins to consume me is thick like oil. It floods through me body, heavy and pitch black until I can’t see or think straight. I can’t do anything but let rage take over.
I was never good enough for her.
That’s the truth.
She is the angel, and I am the devil.
What right did I ever have to think I deserved something so pure.
So beautiful.
So perfect.
I drag myself to my feet and blindly make my way out of the penthouse, down to the parking garage. I shouldn’t leave. I should stay home. I am dangerous right now and there is no telling what I might do.
But I don’t care.
Without Neve - nothing matters.
Maybe my father did kill my mother - and I have his blood in my veins - meaning I am doomed to hurt the woman I love more than anything in the universe.
Maybe it’s true.
After all, I am my father’s son.
I stand in the center of the dance floor of the club I saw Neve in. I know she won’t be here, but it’s somewhere she has been - and therefore I can feel her somehow.
Music pulses through my body along with the many shots of tequila I’ve had. My vision is blurred. I had hoped that the alcohol would numb me, but it’s only turned me darker.
My soul is in the pits of hell. My heart doesn’t exist without her.
Someone shoves me from behind and I turn, swinging my fist before I even see who it is. The bouncer takes the hit and snarls like a wild animal.
“What the fuck are you doing back here?” he growls, grabbing me as I throw pinches left right and center.
I don’t even know what I’m doing .
I’m rabid. Psychotic. Screaming and hitting at nothing and everything.
It takes three of them to toss me out into the curbside. I roll onto my side, breathing heavily.
I can smell the alcohol on my breath.
Pushing myself to my feet I laugh with manic anger. The bottle store across from the club is still open so I stagger inside and buy a bottle of vodka. I will numb this pain. I don’t care how much I have to drink to make that happen. I can’t feel like this. I can’t bear it. I have to stop this ache in my chest, in my stomach, in my arms and legs.
I tear the bottle top off as soon as I step back out onto the streets.
Downing half the bottle in one breath.
Someone walks past and asks me if I’m trying to kill myself.
“Yes.” I hiss. “Yes, I deserve to die. And without her there is no reason to live, anyway.” I snarl at him and he steps away from me with his hands in the air. “Fuck sakes buddy. Fine.” He hurries away and I stagger towards my car with the open bottle in my hand .
Yanking the door open I catch a whiff of her.
Her scent trapped inside my car. I fall to my knees on the pavement, clutching at my chest.
The pain is too much.
I can’t get into the car.
I can’t be anywhere she has been.
How can I lie in our bed tonight when I will be able to smell her on the pillows?
I stand up and sway as I stare into the car.
Fuck this.
Fuck the universe and fuck the indescribable pain I feel in my body.
I throw the bottle of vodka into the car and it smashes abasing the inside of the passenger door. I dig around in my pocket, looking for my zippo.
One strike. A flame dances in my hand.
Perhaps I understand why Rufino did what he did.
I toss the lighter into the car and a heat wave explosion throws me off my feet .
Sitting on the sidewalk I watch the flames consume the inside of my car.
Thick smoke starts to pour out of the open driver’s door.
I can’t stop laughing.
It’s so beautiful.
It’s so destructive.
I want to throw myself into those flames so that they can consume my pain, but I can’t move.
Hands grab at me, dragging me away from the wall of heat pouring from the car.
“What the fuck, are you ok? What happened?”
I push the people away from me and turn away from the chaos.
Without a word, I run.
I keep running until I can’t breathe and still I run some more.
Perhaps I can run myself to death.
I run until I reach the city center, the park. It’s dark, lit by tall, ornate lamps that spill pools of light in bright circles breaking up the pitch darkness of the night.
I walk along the tree line, staring into the man made forest, wondering what horrors lurk between the thick trunks.
I must have blacked out at some point because I wake up to a homeless man kicking me.
“Hey, asshole, you’re in my spot. This is my spot. I been coming here for years. You can’t come here and take someone else’s spot.” He reeks of booze and sweat. Or maybe it’s me.
I groan as I sit up, finding myself on a bench in the very early hours of dawn.
Light is glowing over the horizon, the sun threatening to welcome in a new day.
I stand up, finding myself still drunk.
“Hey, hey, you can’t leave. Maybe you can give me some food first. I won’t buy wine. I swear it. I just want food.”
Shoving my hand into my pocket I fish out my wallet .
I take the entire wad of cash out, a couple thousand, and hand it to the man.
“What? Is this a joke?” he asks, staring at his hands.
I’m surprised no one mugged it off me while I was passed out, anyway.
“No joke.” I mutter, closing my eyes for a second to hold the headache at bay.
The homeless man is still talking when I walk away.
I need to get home and shower.
I need to find Neve. I need to fix this. I can’t give up.
I won’t stop until I know I’ve exhausted every option of getting her back.
She is my wife. She is my world and I want her. I want her by my side. I want to love her.
I want to be loved by someone so pure and so beautiful.
I might not deserve it - but I will fight for it.
I get home and Rufino and Masaccio are waiting for me.
“Fuck, Celso. What happened? Your car blew up. Did someone attack you?” they ask.
“I did it.” I mutter, pushing past them into my penthouse.
“What the fuck do you mean you did it.”
I chuckle and glance at Rufino. “Ask the Red Dragon. He’ll understand.”
“Where’s Neve?” Rufino asks.
“She left.” I chuckle.
“Fuck.” Rufino says, looking at Mas with deep lines on concern etched into his forehead.
“What happened? We can try to help you solve it. Things are going to be ok, Celso.” Rufino says, stepping towards me with his hand out.
“She’s gone, Rufino. She found out who I really am, and she ran away as fast as she could. She doesn’t want me. It’s over.” I laugh and I can hear how crazy I sound, but I have no control over it. The laughter begins to consume me until I collapse onto the sofa, clutching my stomach .
“Call the doctor.” Masaccio says, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Celso, breathe man.”
But all I can do is laugh. Tears streaming down my face. I’m laughing so much it hurts, but I can’t stop.
“We need to have him sedated before he does something stupid.” Masaccio says.
“You mean like drinking a whole bottle store or blowing up his own car?” Rufino says gruffly, his phone pressed against his ear.
“Hey doc, we need you at Celso’s place.” I listen as he paces up and down and tells the doctor about how I am having a psychotic break down.
He’s not wrong.
Laughter continues to shake through me.