34. Nerissa
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Nerissa
M y phone shakes as I try to hold it still, but my hands are shaking so it’s impossible. I’ve decided to tell him. What choice did I have, anyway? I always knew I would tell him. I just needed time to come to terms with my new reality before I faced his reaction.
I will do this with or without him.
I do not know how, because I’m broke and jobless, but I’ll find a way.
Swiping my fingers across the screen I navigate to the messaging app and click on his name.
I struggle to type out the message.
Me: Tuomo, can we please meet somewhere this afternoon? I need to tell you something. It is really important, and I would like to do it today if you are available.
My thumb hovers above the send button. Just press it. You have to.
I click send and the message double ticks.
He comes online and I drop my phone trying to lock it because I can’t bear the tension while watching him typing out a reply that I have to wait to read.
Sitting on the edge of my bed with my eyes closed I wait for the tone of my messenger app. It doesn’t take long at all. The soft vibration runs through me, and I take a deep breath.
His message is simple but friendly.
Tuomo: Of course, I can meet you this afternoon. I’m free now if you want to meet at Red Roman on main street in about thirty minutes.
Me: Yes. Thank you. I will be there in thirty minutes.
I was expecting to have time to think about what I wanted to say, but it’s better to get this over and done with now. Sooner than later.
I nod to myself and gather my things, throwing my phone into my handbag. I decide to take the pregnancy test with me because I don’t know if he is going to want proof. It’s all the evidence I have.
Climbing into my old beat-up car, I haven’t driven it for a while so I have to warm it up and let it run for a minute before I can drive it. It rattles to life with a choking sound. But once the engine has grumbled for a little while it sounds healthier.
I place my hand over my stomach, and for the first time, I feel a calm sense of connection to the little life growing in my stomach. I don’t think I had really acknowledged it before, but as soon as I hold my stomach, protectively, tenderly I realize I am going to be a mother.
It’s real.
I giggle, nervous amusement flushing through my cheeks.
“Let’s go find out what your father has to say about all this.”
I wish I was more confident as I walked into the restaurant. I wish I could just stride in here, smile and tell him the news and know - without a doubt - that no matter what his reaction is I can do this on my own.
But I need him. So, telling him today is not as easy as that. I don’t just need his help financially, I need his support.
Is it wrong to need him?
Can I do this without him?
If I had a choice, I would choose him to be by my side.
I walk towards a table by the window. His back is to me as I approach but he turns around to smile at me before I reach him. It’s as though he can sense when I am near as well. The same way that I sense him.
He stands up and wraps his hand around my waist, kissing my cheek. “It’s good to see you, Nerissa.” He is polite, friendly, void of the darkness I saw in him the last time we were together.
He pulls my chair out for me, and I sit down.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” he asks with a smile.
“No, thanks. A sparkling water will be fine for me.”
“Are you sure?” he frowns. “They have the most amazing house wine here. I don’t usually order the house wine, but this place—”
“Really. I’m fine, thanks. Just sparkling water.”
He turns to the waitress who is standing alongside our table smiling, waiting.
“Two sparkling waters please and your starter platter.”
When she’s gone, he smiles at me and my heart somersaults. “I haven’t eaten yet, and it’s been a busy morning, so I hope you’ll share a platter with me.”
“Sure.” I say, staring at him, falling into his eyes, picturing myself sinking into his gorgeous body. I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. Don’t get distracted.
He reaches across the table and takes my hand. His skin is warm against mine and it is all the reassurance I need. “What’s wrong, Nerissa. You seem really stressed.”
“The thing that I need to tell you - it’s important that you understand that regardless of your reaction I will be - I will do this with or without you.” I say, forcing confidence into my voice.
“Tell me.” He says.
“I’m pregnant, Tuomo.”
The instant I say it he is smiling. Not just smiling - he is ecstatic .
“Are you serious?” He asks, his voice overflowing with excitement.
“I’m serious.” I say, a smile beginning to spread across my face too.
He stands up and drags me from my seat into his arms. His deep, genuine laughter rumbled against my body as it bubbles from his chest. He is kissing the top of my head and holding me so tight. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe how happy he is.
Suddenly I’m excited too.
He is happy. He isn’t shouting or demanding I get rid of it. He’s happy about this.
He lets me go and looks down at me. The dimples at the corners of his mouth are gorgeous. His eyes are bright and happy.
“I’m going to be a father?” he laughs.
“You are.” I giggle. “I was worried. I thought - you would be upset.”
“Are you kidding? This is the best news in the world.”
He hugs me close again. “No wonder you didn’t want wine.” He chuckles. “I guess neither of us will be drinking for a few months, hey.”
We sit down again, but Tuomo grabs the leg of my chair and pulls me right up against his. He holds me close to his side as he chats about finding the best doctors and asking me what I will need, then laughing and saying he’ll start researching and make sure I have everything.
“I’ll be there every step of the way.” He says, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “You have made me so happy, little bird. And I don’t want you to work until after the baby is born. If at all. I would prefer it if you just focused on being a mother. If that’s what you want? It’s what I want.”
I lean into his shoulder, my heart is warm and happy. I don’t have to do this alone. I don’t have to worry about anything.
After our lunch I drive home, feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Tuomo has promised to take care of everything.
He is going to come over tomorrow so that we can discuss whatever it is we need to do.
I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning, so I told him to come after that.
I sleep better than I have slept in a week, with no stress or worry on my mind.
At ten in the morning, I’m sitting in the doctor’s office with a smile on my face.
“Here is a list of the vitamins I recommend you take.” She hands me a piece of paper. “Did you have questions before you go?” She asks.
“Actually, yes.” I scratch around inside my handbag and pull out the sheet of pills - my contraception. “I was on these.” I hand them to her. “I wanted to know - because I fell pregnant while taking them does it pose any risk to the baby? Is there anything I need to do?”
She squints at the pills.
“What are these?” She asks, examining one pill.
“It’s my contraception. The one you prescribed me months ago.”
“No, honey. This looks very similar to your contraception but - look here.” She pulls her drawer open and takes out a pill. She places it in my hand and then places one pill I was taking right next to it.
Almost identical. But not.
The contraceptive pills are smaller, whiter. My heart races.
“What are those?” I ask, a whisper.
“I think these are sugar tablets.” She answers, frowning. “Where did you get them?”
I stare at her with my mouth hanging open. I don’t know how to answer that.
She tilts her head to the side, looking worried for me. “Did someone have access to your contraception, Nerissa?”
“Yes.” I answer, knowing that Tuomo has been coming and going as he pleases in my apartment - whether or not I am home. “Yes, someone had access to it.”
I leave the doctor’s office shaking from head to toe.
I can’t even drive.
The truth is too difficult to imagine. But I know.
I know he swapped the pills out and got me pregnant on purpose. He did this. He planned this. He tricked me. He bound me to him.
I sit inside my car, staring out of the front window at nothing. The world is spinning, and my vision is blurry.
What am I supposed to do with this knowledge?
I feel sick to my stomach.
I want to cry but I can’t. I can’t move. I can’t do anything.