26. Leora
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Leora
I stare at him in disbelief.
Did he really just say that to me?
Is he sitting there lecturing me on how I hurt him? I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think he was any different from the person he has proven himself to be.
And I actually fell for it - all the gentleness - the niceness - the soft looks he was giving me and the way he touched me - fuck. I scream in my mind. I scream and curse myself because I feel so stupid. I feel like such a fucking idiot for dropping my guard.
This time - I can’t even be angry with him - this time it was my fault. I knew better.
I made a mistake.
This one is on me.
He is who he is, and I fell for it again.
But of course, knowing all of that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I did, genuinely, open my heart up to him again.
I feel my chest caving in. My heart is breaking all over again.
Then the pain turns to a blazing rage of hurt.
I hate him.
I hate the fact that I had to marry him.
I hate that this is my life.
“Wait. Just listen to me.” He says, as I push my arms into my cardigan, ready to run away from him - away from the hurt - away from my stupidity.
I spin towards him.
“Actually, I don’t have to listen to you for another second. I am so over you and the way you treat me. I don’t deserve this. You are the biggest asshole I have ever met. I wish I had never met you. I can’t believe I am stuck - married to you.” I’m being nasty. I hate he brings this person out of me. This isn’t me. I shake my head to try to change my thoughts.
I need to leave.
“Leora.” He calls my name again as I push the door open and step out into the cool night air.
My skin was kissed by the sun today. It’s rosy and warm and even though it isn’t too cold tonight, it’s chilly against my skin.
I wrap my cardigan tighter around my chest.
Maybe it’s not the cold that’s biting at me.
Maybe it’s his words. His cruelty.
I look towards the party at the beach bar. There are so many people there.
I could just blend into the crowd, keep drinking, hope for oblivion. But I am not that person either. And I can’t face other people right now. So, I turn the other way and step off the path as I head towards the water line. There are too many lights on the path.
I want to hide away.
I want to be alone.
I can feel the ache in my chest growing the further I get from Masaccio.
At least any doubt I had is now gone.
I dared to hope, I dared to try again - at least I can’t be blamed for not trying.
Tears stream down my cheeks as I walk, and it blurs my vision until I can barely see where I’m stepping.
So, I sit down.
I flop into the soft sand, pull my legs right up against my chest and hug my arms around them.
Looking out across the dark ocean and the most beautiful night sky everything in me breaks apart.
The tears flow stronger and loud sobs choke from my throat. I try to hold them back, but it’s impossible.
Thank goodness I am not near anyone.
I bury my face against my arm and let myself cry. It’s better to let it out, anyway.
I’m tired of trying to hold it together.
I’m over feeling like shit.
All I wanted was for my husband to love me.
My throat is hurting, dry and tight from crying so much.
“Leora.”
I jump out of my skin when he says my name. I was so lost in my own emotions I didn’t hear him walking towards me.
“What?” I snap. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”
He sits down next to me and tries to wrap his arm around me.
“Stop that. Stop everything. Seriously. Just leave me alone. ”
“I won’t.” I shove him hard, and he tightens his grip on me. “I messed up, ok?”
“Whatever. I don’t care anymore.”
“Leora - I messed up. Everything I wanted to say to you came out wrong. Please. Just listen. Don’t say anything. Just listen.”
I shake my head. He can talk all he wants. I don’t have to listen to a word of it.
He’s still holding me in his arms, he’s even shifted his body so that his legs are wrapped around me too. I’m sitting in between his legs leaning up against his chest and I hate it.
He still smells so good.
“In the bedroom - I was trying to tell you that ever since we got married - I have been a complete asshole—”
“I know.” I snap.
He sighs. “I didn’t see what was right in front of me. I think I was too scared to see it. You came into my life like a tornado. Disrupting everything. But adding color and light and laughter to everything too. Then I treated you like total shit. I took you for granted - trying to hold on to my old life. But - I don’t want that life anymore. And when you pulled away from me it hurt. I missed you.”
He pauses, taking a breath. Waiting for me to say something but I stay quiet.
His words have caught my attention, but I’m too scared to misunderstand them.
I stay very still, sitting in his arms, up against his body.
“Leora - when you left - when I saw you on the cameras - it broke me. I knew I was the reason you left. And I don’t blame you at all. It was my fault, and you had every right to do what you did - but I was trying to tell you it hurt me. It hurt me because I have fallen for you, and I really don’t want to lose you.”
I can’t believe it.
I want to cry and laugh at the same time.
I want to kiss him.
I want him to kiss me.
But I can’t move.
I’m terrified.
My heart is too scared to accept this.
“Leo - little kitten - please forgive me for hurting you. And please - give me a chance to fix everything. Give me a chance to show you how much you mean to me. I don’t care how long it takes. I want to win you back. I won’t stop trying. All I need is for you to give me a chance.”
“Mas.” I whisper, unsure of what will come out of my mouth next. Turning a little in his embrace I look into his eyes. I want to read them. I want to see what I can see in his gaze. I bite my lower lip. All I see is honesty. I see his pain, his desperation. It reflects my own back towards me.
I reach my hand up and touch his face.
I have never seen him being vulnerable and in this moment, he is more beautiful than ever before. Is heart is open, and he’s taking a risk on me.
I lean forward, pressing my lips against his.
The kiss is slow and tender. I feel his hands wrapping around the back of my neck as he presses his mouth harder against mine.
It feels perfect. Intimate. Beautiful.
We kiss for ages, alone on the beach, listening to the waves as they lap against the sand in the dark.
Then I lean back and smile.
“I’ve been waiting for you to want me.” I whisper.
“I’ve always wanted you. I was just too much of an idiot to know it. But when I think back - every moment with you - it was so obvious right from the start. From that kiss.”
And in that moment, I know I love him - and I will take another risk on him. I will risk it over and over again - because he means everything to me, and I can’t stop my heart from feeling the way he makes me feel.