CHAPTER 30 – CASPIAN
When I see that Justin Clancy is online, I text him.
He played wide receiver on Baywood High’s football team.
He was good on the field, loud off it. I’ve heard he’s mellowed since he got married and became a dad, but I haven’t kept in touch.
When Xaden was outed, Justin gave him hell.
He was the worst of them. That memory alone is usually enough to stop me from reaching out, but Justin used to hang out with Ryan. Maybe he knows something.
CASPIAN
What are you doing awake?
JUSTIN
June has an ear infection. What’s your excuse?
CASPIAN
Remember Ryan Rutherford?
The three dots appear. Disappear. Appear again.
JUSTIN
Yeah. What about him?
CASPIAN
Is he still a friend of yours?
JUSTIN
Not really. We drifted. Why?
My fingers hover. I need answers, not gossip—and definitely not at Antonio’s expense.
CASPIAN
Did he ever mess with people?
The pause this time is longer.
JUSTIN
There was some kid he used to bully, yeah.
JUSTIN
It felt almost like an obsession. Idk, it was a long time ago.
My jaw tightens until it aches.
JUSTIN
TBH, I don’t like thinking about high school. Not proud of who I
was back then.
I exhale slowly.
CASPIAN
Hope your kid’s ear feels better. Try to get some sleep.
Justin’s honesty surprises me. What he said about Ryan doesn’t. Was Antonio bullied at school? A string of curses escapes me when I imagine him walking along school corridors, small and terrified, trying to be invisible. My heart’s pounding when I try to come to grips with this new reality.
Then the next horror hits, and my hands clench into fists. All this time, Antonio has assumed I’m Ryan’s friend. In the car, he didn’t ask me if I knew Ryan. His words were, “So you’re not friends with him.”
That puts every goddamn encounter we’ve had into a new perspective. The hostility. The mixed signals. The vulnerability.
I wish I had known what was going on. I wish I had seen him.
I see him now.
I see him, and I’ll keep doing everything I can to make him feel safe.
Like not asking him out when the trauma is too close to the surface.
That took all my willpower. Not pulling him into my arms, not kissing away the tears he tried so hard to hide, not telling him how brave and good he was—I was honestly worried for a second, right before he got out of the car, that I would lose it.
His demeanor was so soft, and the way he looked at me from under his lashes, breath hitching, told me he would’ve let me.
I’m relieved I didn’t.
I want to protect him, not only from Ryan, but from every threat the world might throw his way. Including me.
That’s why I kept my distance.
Antonio deserves to make a choice that isn’t tangled up in adrenaline or gratitude or fear. If he wants me in his life, he gets to choose that. If he doesn’t, he gets to choose that, too.
The possibility of him never wanting me hurts, but it’s not something he should worry about.
I can manage pain when it’s my own.
Right now, I’ll just wait.
Let him take the next step. I can take every step after.
I can move at the speed that is safe for him. Keep my hands to myself until he asks for them. God, how I want him to ask. To want me like I want him.
More than anything, though, I want him to feel safe.