Chapter 31 Dad, Revisited
Dad, Revisited
It’s been a hell of a week between last weekend’s visit from Dad, Mom dying, attending her funeral, and sitting shiva.
Now, Dad is coming for yet another visit.
Hooray! Not! We have barely spoken since I yelled at him about PJ being my boyfriend.
We exchanged a few casual words during shiva, and he never asked to meet PJ and I didn’t introduce them.
I can’t say I’m looking forward to this visit any more than the last one, but I don’t have any say in the matter.
Carole just left to drive her parents to the airport.
I know she is glad they are headed back home.
We both need peace and quiet to process all that has happened.
Though they meant well, they spent the past week hovering about trying to fix things, as Carole would say.
I’m playing the red laser dot game with Sammy when my phone rings.
It’s Dad. He is pulling into the apartment complex now, and I tell him I’ll be right down.
I scoop up Sammy and look him in the eyes.
“You miss Mom too, dontcha?” He meows, and I put him down, grab my coat, and head outside to meet Dad.
“Can I take you out to lunch?” Dad asks.
“No, thanks, I’m not hungry,” I say miserably.
“Well, we need to have a man-to-man conversation, and I hoped a change of scenery would be good for you. Put on your seatbelt.”
Man-to-man conversation? Barf! What the fuck? He never talks like this. He must have heard that line in a movie. I put on my seatbelt, fold my arms across my chest, and stare out the window.
“Simon, if you don’t pick a place to go, I’m going to take you to a seafood restaurant, and I know how much you hate that, so you better speak up quickly.”
Clearly, there is no way I’m getting out of this man-to-man conversation with my dad, so I plan the least painful way to get this over with as quickly as possible.
“Fine. Let’s go to Starbucks,” I say and point to the left. “It’s just ahead in a shopping center. I have a friend who works there.” Dad does as I ask, and we drive in silence.
“Here! Turn left at the next light and then turn right into the shopping center. It’s in there.”
“Is this your…um…friend you told me about last weekend?” Dad asks.
“No!” I say definitively. Shit, this is going to be a long afternoon. He couldn’t even say the word boyfriend.
We get in line to order, and I see Hector working behind the counter making drinks. When it’s our turn, his back is to us, but then he turns around and sees me.
“Simon, it’s so good to see you. How are you doing? You haven’t been in all week, and I’ve been worried about you. Jamal told me to leave you be, so I haven’t texted much. I’m so, so sorry about your mom. Are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you?”
“No thanks,” I say, “I’m doing okay.” Dad steps in front of me and holds his hand out to Hector.
“Hello, young man, I’m Simon’s father. It’s very nice to meet you.”
“Well, hello, Simon’s father. My name is Hector, and I think the world of your son. He is a good egg, and I try to look out for him whenever I can. He reminds me so much of my younger brother, Carlos.”
“Thank you, Hector. I’m happy to hear that. I’m recently discovering there are all kinds of people in my son’s life who are taking good care of him. I, um, haven’t always been the best father, but I am trying to do better, and I want to be a part of his life. I want to meet all his friends.”
“Fantastic, Mr. Bugg. It’s great to meet you.”
“Call me Daniel.”
“All right, enough already,” I say. “This is awkward and weird. Hector, we’re going to hang out and talk for a bit. I’ll text you later, okay? Say hi to Jamal for me.”
Hector waves and goes back to making drinks. Dad orders a cappuccino, an egg salad sandwich, and a slice of coffee cake. I get my usual green iced tea and a chocolate chip cookie.
“A cookie is not much of a lunch,” he says, taking the last empty table.
“I told you, I’m not hungry,” I say.
“Okay. Let’s see… Your friend, Hector, seems like a nice young man. How did you meet him?”
Crap. How the hell do I answer this question? I can’t possibly tell him the truth—that I met Hector skipping school. I don’t want to tell Dad that he helped me come out and now coaches me on practicing safe sex. Or that he will give me condoms if I need them.
“Um, you know, friend of a friend,” I say.
“Who is Jamal?”
“He is Hector’s boyfriend,” I say.
“Oh,” Dad says. He nervously fiddles with the sleeve on his cup, keeping his eyes on the table. I stare at him, and a twinge of empathy surprises me. I suppose he is trying in his own way, and maybe I’m being too much of a hard ass on him. Maybe I should lighten up.
“Dad.” I put my hand on his arm, and he looks up. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Well, a few things, but first, I want to apologize to you for walking out on you last Saturday. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Whoa, I’m not expecting to hear this. “I assumed you were upset that I turned out to be gay like Mom.”
“Absolutely not! Don’t say that,” Dad says firmly, looking me in the eye. “Nothing could be further from the truth.”
I slowly sip my tea and ponder his words. “So why did you basically ignore me all week? Why didn’t you want to meet PJ? He was at the funeral, you know, and he sat shiva with us the entire time. This doesn’t make a lot of sense, Dad.”
He takes my hands in his and pumps them up and down.
“Listen to me,” he says. “I’m not upset you’re gay.
I’m embarrassed by how much of your life I’ve missed out on.
I didn’t know you’d come out, and I had no idea you had a boyfriend.
I’m ashamed of the way I’ve behaved over the past ten years.
I haven’t been much of a father to you.”
Wow! This is an unexpected bombshell. I quickly pull my hands from his, sit back in my chair, and stare, open-mouthed, while he talks.
“Simon, I suspected you were gay when you were just a kid. I didn’t care then, and I don’t care now.
You’re my son, and I love you. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight or whatever it is kids are these days.
I’m also smart enough to know this has nothing to do with your mother.
She didn’t turn you gay; I know it doesn’t work that way.
I did hold some resentment over your mother keeping her sexuality from me, but that doesn’t concern you. Can I tell you something else?”
Tears form in the corners of my eyes, and I slowly nod.
“Your mother called me. The night you came out, the night before her accident, she called me on the phone from her bedroom. She said you, a friend, and Carole were watching a movie in the living room and that you had just come out to them. She said she had no clue you were gay, and she was taken aback by this. So, she called me to ask me if I knew. I told her it was something I had always suspected, but I was waiting for you to figure it out in your own time.”
Dad gets teary too, and pulls a handkerchief from his pocket. He dabs at his eyes, sits up straighter, and clears his throat.
“Your mom and I had a great talk late that night. I’m so grateful for that conversation.
How could I have known it would be the last time I would ever speak to her?
We must have talked for a good hour. We healed so many old wounds in that conversation.
Mostly, we talked about what a great kid you are and how we did that.
She and I. That will always be something your mom and I did together.
There would be no Simon Bugg without us.
We will always have that, your mother and me.
We created you, and for that, I’m forever grateful. ”
Dad and I start ugly-crying and I’m afraid everyone at Starbucks will stare.
So, I wave goodbye to Hector, and as we take our drinks outside, it starts to drizzle as if the whole world is crying with us.
We rush to the car to get out of the intensifying rain.
I shiver from the cold and wet. I wipe away rain and tears with my jacket sleeve and turn to Dad.
“You know, I think I am hungry now. Is the offer for lunch still on the table?”
“Absolutely,” he says, smiling. “Where would you like to go? Someplace special?”
“Yes!” I say. “Let’s go for Thai food. I have a special place I like.
It’s not too far.” I take a deep breath and find a bit of courage.
“It’s the restaurant PJ took me to on our first date.
Well, it was technically our second date, but I’ll explain.
I want to tell you all about him, and it feels right to tell you over a couple of coconut punches. ”
“Coconut punch? What’s that?”
“Oh, it’s the gayest, frothiest pink drink you will ever taste. You’re not afraid of a gay pink drink are you, Dad?”
He winks and gives me a big toothy grin. “Bring it on!”
After lunch, Dad drives me home. It was a nice meal, but it was served with a side of strange.
We’ve never talked about such personal things.
I told him all about PJ and he listened intently and asked a few questions.
All I could think was, Who is this person?
And what did he do with my real dad? We’re sitting in the car in the parking lot of my building and I’m trying to say goodbye, but I can tell he is stalling and has something more he wants to say.
“I would like to meet PJ,” Dad says. “Officially. Maybe I can take you both to Tara Thai next weekend for dinner. How does that sound?”
“I would like that,” I say. “I’ll ask PJ when I see him later. I’m sure he’ll be excited. Tara Thai is his favorite restaurant, after all, and he always asks me a lot of questions about you.”
“Great! I’d like to ask PJ a few questions too, and get to know him.”
“I should also mention that I haven’t met PJ’s parents yet.
They are not comfortable with PJ being gay, so they don’t talk about it much.
I don’t think they even know about me, but I’m not 100 percent sure.
To tell the truth, I’ve been afraid to ask him about it.
So, I’m especially glad you are not like that, Dad. ”
A moment of awkward silence develops between us, so I take the opportunity to say, “Well, I better go. I want to take a nap and a shower before I go out tonight. Thank you for lunch, Dad, and for being understanding and letting me talk about PJ.”
As I get out of the car, he puts his hand on my shoulder and says, “Wait, Simon. There is one more thing I need to ask you before you go.”
I slide back into my seat. “Okay, shoot.” I notice that Dad is biting his nails. Ah ha! That’s where I get that habit from!
“Simon, I know we haven’t been a family for a very long time.
I mean, we are family, but we haven’t lived under the same roof since you were little, and I’ve been a terrible father.
With your mother gone…I was wondering if you wanted to possibly…
come back home. What I’m trying to say is, do you want to come live with me?
I have a lot of lost time to make up for, and we could be a family again. What do you think?”
“Is that what you really want?” I say, stunned.
“Absolutely! I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. I’m changing, Simon, and I want to be the best father I can be to you. You can even bring Sammy along.”
“But you’re allergic to cats,” I say.
“I will survive. We can find a new, larger apartment if you like, or maybe even a small house with a yard. We can have barbecues in the backyard. Won’t that be fun?
We can go house hunting together! We can be a real family again.
” Dad holds out his hand to me and says, “So, what do you say, pal, do we have a deal?”