Epilogue
Six months later
The sun was setting in Bali, and the sky glowed pink and orange.
The ocean was still and the row of traditional fishing boats close to the shore barely stirred against their moorings.
Further up the beach towards the bar, a DJ played a mix of laid-back tunes while people relaxed on beanbags under rows of brightly coloured silk parasols.
I spotted my group standing on the soft white sand close to the water’s edge and my stomach fluttered with nerves.
Their chatter and laughter drifted over to me on the warm breeze and it sounded like everyone was happy.
The relief that all was going well so far was immense.
I picked up a champagne glass from the member of staff and made my way over to them.
As I approached, the group opened up to include me and gradually the chatter died down.
‘Good evening, ladies. My name’s Maggie and I am thrilled to welcome you all to the first-ever Mum’s Gap Year Trip.’
There was cheering and whooping, and my heart soared, knowing what a wonderful experience lay in front of them. Their faces already radiated happiness and they’d only been here a couple of hours.
‘I hope you’ve all settled into your rooms and found the copies of your itinerary?’
‘Yes!’ they chorused.
‘I’ve already decided I’m never going home,’ one woman declared, making the others laugh.
I raised my glass to her. ‘I’ve got a convert already.
Okay, as you know, Mum’s Gap Year Trip is a travel company with a difference,’ I said.
‘I am passionate about making every day count and filling our lives with things, people, and experiences which make our hearts sing. You all know my story, and I’m looking forward to hearing yours over the next three weeks.
I know you’re not all mums, but you are women who’ve decided to invest in a little bit of time for yourselves, to escape your busy lives and put real life on hold.
We will be exploring Bali, scuba diving, doing some yoga, as well as volunteering at the turtle sanctuary.
I hope you’ll get what you need from this trip, whether it’s to open yourselves up to new experiences and challenges, to see the world from a different perspective, or get away from looking after everyone else for a change. ’
I pressed a hand to my heart. ‘I am so blessed to have you here. And I hope you’ll have the time of your lives. To Mum’s Gap Year!’
I raised my glass, and everyone followed suit.
I made my way around the group learning names, listening to their funny stories and reassuring those that needed it that nothing was compulsory and that their sole duty was to enjoy themselves.
When I was confident that everyone was happy, I made my way up towards the bar where my family were waiting for me.
Sam and Scout were playing with a piece of old driftwood in the sand while Kat was looking very cosy and loved-up on Andy’s lap.
Kai and Regan, Jackson’s sons, were entertaining Harry and Lola with one of their stories.
My mum was fanning herself while Errol showed off the scar from his monkey bite and Tiff, who was only here on a flying visit, was in deep conversation with Utt.
Jackson walked across to me and met me with a kiss, sliding his arm around my waist.
‘Ready?’
I blew out a breath and nodded. ‘Let’s do it.’
‘Okay everyone,’ Jackson announced. ‘The boat is waiting.’
The mood was reflective as all of us boarded the boat that Utt had borrowed from his cousins. We were united by love and loss, and I made a point of hugging everyone and thanking them for being part of this special night.
‘Are you all right, darling?’ said Mum, hooking her arm through mine.
I exhaled and smiled at her. ‘I’ll never get over the loss of my child, but I was so glad to have had her, so fortunate to have those memories to look back on.’
‘I’m sorry for what I said when you told me you were pregnant,’ she said meekly. ‘It was unforgivable, I know, but it was motivated by fear and ultimately love, you know.’
I gave her a quizzical look.
‘The only memory I have of my mother is that she died giving birth to the brother I never knew. It broke my father’s heart, and he never recovered; and, of course, it completely turned my world on its head.
I was terrified that I would die during labour too when I had you and Kat.
I was never cut out to be a mother, I barely had any experience of being a mother, or any maternal love.
I knew that, but your father persuaded me it would be different. ’
‘It’s okay, Mum, I understand. And we didn’t turn out too badly in the end.’
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I’m very proud of my girls and I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you.’
‘Thank you, I’m sorry for what I said too, about wishing you were dead.’
‘Well.’ She sniffed. ‘That was a bit close to the bone admittedly. You’ve always been hot-headed. Mind you, you probably get that from me.’
‘Mum,’ I warned her, inwardly rolling my eyes.
She would probably always be quick to criticise.
But I was beginning to understand that it came from a place of insecurity and not malice.
We’d spent more time in each other’s company in the last six months than we had in the previous twenty years, and we were both working on our relationship.
I’d persuaded her to talk to her bank too, to set up some better financial habits.
No more spending money she didn’t have, and proper budgeting for the things she really needed.
I was determined to make her more independent and accountable. We were getting there. Slowly.
The engine of the boat cut out and I looked for Jackson. He was with Utt and the captain at the helm and I went to join them.
‘Is this okay, here?’ Jackson asked.
I took his hand and squeezed it and gazed around me. The sun had disappeared for the day and in its place a crescent moon hung in a wash of soft lavender sky. We had sailed about a hundred metres from the shore and the festoon of lights along the beach twinkled like stars in the distance.
I was surrounded by my favourite people and they were looking at me with love in their eyes, waiting for the signal.
‘It’s perfect,’ I replied, my voice shaking as Jackson picked up the urn containing Bronte’s ashes that we’d brought back to Bali with us.
‘Okay, I think we’re ready,’ he announced.
Everyone gathered around us and I felt their eyes on me. I stepped close enough to Jackson to feel his heartbeat through his shirt.
‘You can do this, Mags,’ he murmured. ‘I got you.’
I took a deep breath and removed the lid from the urn.
‘Darling Bronte,’ I said, ‘you will always be the best part of me. You made me who I am, and I will be forever grateful to have had you here in my world for the last two and half decades. Because of you, I know how strong I am, how resilient I am, and that whatever life throws at me, I’ll always survive.
Because I’ve survived the loss of you, my beautiful child.
‘And yet you will never be truly gone, because I see you in the stars at night, I feel you in the warmth of the sun, and I’ll keep you forever in my heart.
‘Bali is mine and Jackson’s happy place, and I’m sure it would have been yours too.
It is the place you chose as your final destination for your gap-year trip, and it’s where your life began.
It seems right that it is your final resting place too.
Even though you were never here, this beautiful island is imprinted in you, like it was for the baby turtles your dad and I once released into the world.
And now we release you, with all our love. ’
In turn, we each took a handful of Bronte’s ashes and sprinkled them into the ocean until the urn was almost empty and her ashes had been carried away by the breeze and into the water.
‘That was beautiful, honey.’ Jackson hugged me to him, tears running unashamedly down his face. ‘I love you so, so much.’
‘I love you too.’ I leaned into him, drawing strength from his presence as I sprinkled one last pinch of our daughter’s ashes overboard.
‘Fly high, my darling girl, fly high.’