Chapter 11 Sam
sam
The phone rang with my agent's number and I froze. It had been the call I had been waiting for and avoiding for the last week. I think I knew what he was going to tell me, but I had dodged his last two calls, not ready for the news. It was our last-ditch effort for a contract.
I hit answer before I could chicken out.
“Just tell me, don’t sugar coat it,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Webber. No one is looking to—”
“Ok.” I interrupted him. “Looks like I’m retiring early.”
“I’m sorry, kid,” he sighed. “After the Yetis decided not to re-sign you, we knew it was a long shot. The second surgery was the kicker. If we didn’t have that setback, I think the Yetis would have re-signed you.”
“I know,” I said. “Thank you for trying till the bitter end.”
“Jeff, from the—”
“Don’t even say it, I won’t go to the minor leagues,” I sighed.
“Well, it would keep you in the game and you might be called up if you play well enough,” he said.
“You and I know that’s like a one in a million chance,” I grumbled.
“You can stay a free agent until December,” he suggested.
“I know, but what are the chances?” I sounded whiny.
“I’ve seen it. Stay in shape, you never know. Injuries always happen and you might be able to swoop in,” he said, like it happened all the time.
Did I want to constantly be on the edge of my seat waiting for someone to call me up? I loved hockey, it had been my life for the last eight years.
“Ok, keep me as a free agent, but once December hits, I’ll be retiring,” I said, already giving up hope.
This was the longest shot, and I think we both knew this was the end of the line for me.
“I’ll keep you posted, kid,” he said, already sounding distracted. “Don’t stop working on yourself and getting better.”
“I won’t,” I said before hanging up.
I leaned back on my sofa, attempting not to cry. My PT had been going a lot better, but after the second surgery I knew that this was going to hurt my chance of getting signed. But if I didn’t get the surgery, my mobility was going to be fucked. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t.
Fuck. What the hell was I going to do with my life now?
I had been in Sterling Ridge for almost two months, and I was no closer to talking to Jude than I was when I got here.
Everything had been so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
Just getting out of bed most days felt like climbing a mountain and all I felt like doing was sleeping.
I had no drive to do anything, my life was not going how I had expected and I felt like a failure who couldn’t muster the nerve to talk to his best friend.
Most days I barely had the energy to talk to Forest and that's because he forced me to. Even though I glared, seeming mad at him, I was grateful for him. I would barely leave this house or talk to anyone if it weren’t for him.
He was the main reason I didn't stop going to PT or why I made an appointment with Atlas to check on my incisions.
One of them had been bothering me and I knew I needed to get it checked, I had just been putting it off.
Fuck, I couldn’t even go to the doctor without someone pushing me to do it. My life went from everything I had wanted and more, to rock bottom in less than six months and those voices I spent years running from were starting to come back.
Worthless. Lazy. Dumb. You will never amount to anything.
I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, trying to think of anything else. My phone rang and I jumped at the sound. Fuck, it better not be my Agent Miles telling me some stupid shit. I froze when I noticed Jude’s photo on my screen and then quickly hit the green button.
“Hello,” I answered, dropping the phone. “Fuck. Hold up. Don’t hang up. I dropped my phone!”
I bent down grabbing my phone, praying he didn’t hang up.
“Jude?” I said, realizing the phone was upside down and turning it around immediately.
“Sam?”
“Hey.”
“Hi. How…How are you?” he asked, sounding nervous.
I wished he would just keep talking and I could just listen. It didn’t matter if he was getting mad at me, I missed his voice, and it eased a part of me.
“I’m—” I stopped because I wanted to lay it all out there, but I knew it wasn’t the time. “I’m ok. Are you ok?”
“I’m… I’m ok. How’s the knee?”
Jude needed something. I could tell from the tone of his voice, but he was nervous. I didn’t know if I should be happy or sad that this was the reason he had reached out.
“Shit, but it’s better than after the first surgery,” I said, trying to keep my tone light.
“I can’t believe you had to have two surgeries,” he said, and I wanted to laugh.
Jude never knew how to ask for things and as much as I wanted to keep the conversation going, I wanted to put him out of his misery.
“Do you—”
“I feel like an asshole asking for help, but I need your help, Sam,” he said, speaking over me.
“I’d do anything for you, Jude, even if we hadn't been speaking for years,” I said truthfully, but it was too much truth because the line went silent.
“Sam…”
“Let me help you and if you're up for talking we can talk,” I said softly.
He sighed. “Thank you.”
I could hear his stress vanishing.
“So, what do you need?”
“Nova asked me to pick up Sol, but I’m stuck at a call, and I won’t get back in time. Can you please pick her up for me?”
“Is Nova ok with it?” I knew she probably would be, but I wanted the assurance.
“Yeah, she is calling the school while I call you,” he said, as a loud siren came through the phone.
“Ok, what time do I need to drop her off?” I checked the time on my watch, seeing I had about thirty minutes till school got out.
“Nova should be out by five,” he said, as another siren sounded.
My concern grew and I hoped he wasn't in danger,
“Ok, sounds good,” I said, feeling awkward.
“Thanks, Sam,” he said softly.
“Anytime,” I said, wanting to say more, but not knowing what.
A lot of commotion was in the background making me bite my tongue. This wasn’t the time or place for this.
“I’ll see you soon,” he said, hanging up quickly.
I really hoped we did see each other soon.
“Webby, I don’t think I can do this,” Sol said with a serious face.
“It’s a very tough choice, Sol,” I agreed.
“What if I make the wrong choice?”
“It’s ok; next time we can make sure we don’t make the same mistake,” I said, rubbing my chin.
“Ok, I think I want the strawberry ice cream in a waffle cone,” she said, proud of herself.
“Good choice,” I said, as we pounded our knuckles together.
“I’ll take a scoop of the butter pecan in a waffle cone too,” I said to the young girl behind the counter.
“Ooooh, I almost got that one,” she said, looking at me with her big brown eyes.
“You know you can have some of mine,” I chuckled, already knowing her tactics.
I paid for our ice cream cones and we sat by the window. My heart clenched as I remembered the last time we were here. Jude and I had picked up Sol, sitting right here as we asked her about school and enjoyed listening to her talk about her friends and her class.
“How do you like school so far?” I asked, watching her devour her ice cream.
She shrugged. “It’s ok.”
“Just ok?” I asked, feeling a little worried.
“I just miss being home with my mom, Teddy Bear, Colty and Atty,” she pouted.
“I know, going to school after summer kind of sucks, but we have to exercise that brain of yours,” I said. “You’re super smart and we all need to go to school so we can get smarter. Everybody needs to go to school.”
“Mom says we all need school because when we get older, we get jobs,” she said, looking so sad eating her ice cream.
“It’s a part of getting older,” I said, wondering what the hell I could say to make her feel better, but not fuck up what Nova was teaching her.
Jesus Christ, was parenting this stressful?
“I don’t want to get older,” she said.
“Yeah, you do,” I said. “I heard you want to barrel race.”
Her eyes lit up. BINGO.
“You know you need school for that,” I said.
“I needed school for hockey. You know the way I hit a puck determines where it's gonna go, I need to know what muscles to use and need to work on and stretch.
I also need to know what I need to eat to make sure my body is in tip-top shape.
If you want to be a barrel racer, you're going to need to learn a lot of things for it.”
“Yeah, but I’m going to learn that when I get a coach,” she scowled.
“True, but it's so much more than that. Learning is like a muscle, you have to keep at it like exercise, the more you do the better you get,” I said, feeling like I was being watched.
“And there's always things I use now that I learned when I was younger that help me. I know school keeps you away from family, but it's going to help you so much when you get older and you’ll be able to spend so much more time with your mom because you went to school.”
“Webby is right, Sol,” Jude said, standing by our table.
My cheeks grew red as our gaze connected. He gave me his bashful smile before looking at Sol.
“Because I went to school and I kept studying, I have a job that keeps me close to family,” he said, as Sol scooted over to make room for him to sit next to her. “If for some reason I ever have to move, I have a pretty good job that I could probably move anywhere.”
“Is that why you go to see Webby often?” she asked, licking her ice cream.
“Yeah, it’s why I’m able to go see Webby often,” he said, his cheeks going pink.
“That’s awesome,” she said. “I want a job that lets me work and stay with family.
“Well, that's why you need to go to school and study hard so you can get a cool job and stay close to family,” I said.
“That’s a good idea,” she nodded. “Webby, where is your family?”
I wasn’t prepared for the question like I normally was, but Jude was always ready.
“They are in Texas,” he said.
“Oh, how come—”
“I bet I could beat you in Pac-Man,” Jude said immediately.
“Nuh-uh. I've been practicing.” She narrowed her eyes towards him.
“You know, I’m the reigning champion,” he taunted.
“I bet you five dollars.” She leaned forward like she was trying to intimidate him.
“You got it, kid,” he chuckled.
Sol ate her ice cream in less than five minutes.
She and Jude went to the small arcade they had in the back of the store.
They played for ten minutes before Sol squealed in triumph.
I laughed as she said something to him, motioning her hand to pay up.
He gave her five bucks and she was going back for change to play more games.
My chest ached at the familiarity of everything.
I had missed this.
I had missed us.
I had missed him so fucking much.
Life without Jude hadn’t really felt like life at all.
He looked over his shoulder at me, pointing at the register and I shook my head.
I didn’t need to eat ice cream anymore. I was already getting soft, my abs were disappearing and the definition I once had was slowly disappearing.
It was a constant reminder that I was no longer in the best shape of my life.
Jude paid, walking to me with a cup of ice cream as my heart beat so fast I was afraid I might have a heart attack. I had wanted this for so long, but now that he was here, I didn’t know what to do.
“How are you?” he asked, sliding into the booth. “Truthfully.”
“I don’t think we need to get into that now,” I said dismissively.
“That bad?” He raised his eyebrows.
I shrugged. “Is that what you really want to talk about?”
“Yeah, I want to know how you are,” he said, sounding sad. “Since you’re still here, I’m assuming the Yetis didn’t re-sign you.”
I shook my head looking down at my lap. “The second surgery screwed me over.”
“Fuck, Sam,” Jude said, leaning across the table his hand stretched out for me to take.
Six months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to take it, to find comfort in his proximity, but now I didn’t know where we stood.
Looking up, I didn’t want to cross some imaginary line I didn’t know and fuck this up.
His expression held anguish and … was that guilt?
I did what felt natural and grabbed his hand.
Tingles spread from my hand up my arm as I stared at our hands together.
If there ever were a moment Jude would see me more than a friend, I wished it was this moment.
Going so long without him was painful and I told myself that even though he didn’t want me, I would always want to be a part of his life.
Jude Malone was perfect for me, he was thoughtful, funny, and I have never had anyone care for me without any expectations like he had.
People loved me because of what I could do for them, but Jude cared for me just because he wanted to.
Growing up in a family where everything was so transactional, Jude was a breath of fresh air.
I didn’t know what it was like to have friends just to have friends.
I didn’t know what it was like to be cared for without having to pay for it in some way, or why love was never given freely, but kept from me unless I did something.
I don’t know if that's why I fell in love with him or why our friendship had meant so much to me, but losing Jude wasn’t an option.
“I’m sorry for everything,” I said looking at our hands. “I shouldn’t—”
“I should be sorry—”
“Jude, you don’t have to—”
Sol's laughter made me look in the direction of the arcade. A little boy who looked to be a little older than her was playing a game with her.
“Hell no,” Jude said, looking over at Sol and then looking at his phone.
“We should probably get her home,” I said, getting out of the booth carefully so as not to hurt my knee. “She doesn’t need to be hanging around boys yet.”
“Yeah, they should be home by now,” Jude said. “Meet you at their house?”
I couldn’t help but smile, feeling like things might be all right.
“Yeah,” I said. “We will see you there.”
Jude’s cheeks grew red before I walked away to go get Sol. I took one last glance back at him wishing we didn't have to part. He smiled before leaving, making my heart leap in my chest. I didn’t know what it was this time, but we felt different and I didn’t know if this was good or bad.