20. Nova
20
nova
Being sick with your child sucks. Colds, flu, infections I can get through, but getting the stomach flu felt like the universe was punishing me for something. Waking up to hear your child say, ‘Mommy I threw up’ was awful, and when I started to throw up, it was the fucking icing on the cake.
Nothing was more embarrassing than having the men you like come into your dirty house that probably smelled like vomit, only to have to take care of you and your daughter. I felt ashamed and no matter what they told me, I still felt bad even though I knew they had saved us.
The room was dark as I took inventory of how I felt. Foggy memories of the guys coming in and helping us flooded my consciousness. I’m sure it wasn’t a pretty sight. I’m not sure what I did to deserve these men, but it was obvious that the universe thought I needed balance, so she gave us the stomach flu.
I reached out for Sol, but the bed was empty, and I quickly got up, feeling woozy at the sudden change. My stomach churned as I dreaded throwing up again. I took a deep breath, exhaled, slowly hoping the nausea would pass. My throat was raw from god knows how many times I had thrown up. I turned slowly, setting my feet down to feel someone.
“Oh my god, Sol!” I yelled, except it wasn’t my daughter, it was Theo.
He sat up quickly.
“Are you ok, is she ok?” he asked.
“I don’t know, she’s not in my bed,” I said, looking down at him. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok, she's in the living room with Atlas,” he said, rubbing his face.
“Does she look better?” I asked, as I glanced at the clock that said it was eight in the morning.
“Yeah, she was up at six and Atlas got up with her,” he yawned.
“Theo, did you sleep there all night?”
“Just a few hours,” he said, getting up. “Atlas was in here when Sol woke up, so we switched.”
“You… you didn’t have to do that,” I said, feeling my heart constrict.
“I didn’t feel comfortable leaving you.” He shrugged. “Are you ok? Need something?”
Theo looked nervous as I noticed him tapping his fingers.
“I need a shower. I feel gross and I probably need to air out the house,” I said, stretching my neck.
“Go shower, I got everything else,” he said, holding out his hand to me.
“You’ve done enough.” I took his hand, and he helped me get up. “I can do it.”
My cheeks grew red, embarrassment and guilt sat heavily on me.
“Go shower,” he said, and turned me around and led me to the shower.
I followed him, not knowing what else to say. How long would they stick around until they realized having a kid was a lot of work and getting sick was an occurrence that happened all too often.
Theo turned the shower on for me as I went to the sink to grab my toothbrush. I noticed it was a lot cleaner than I remembered and it smelled like the lemon cleaning spray I used.
Oh god, they probably cleaned up some vomit I missed while I tried to clean. Poor Sol didn’t make it to the toilet a few times. Jesus Christ, we hadn’t even started dating and they were having to deal with all of this.
“Nova?”
Theo startled me.
“You ok?” He touched my forehead.
“Yup,” I muttered, my mouth full of toothpaste and as I rinsed my mouth, I felt the need for some space as panic clawed its way up my throat.
I didn’t even think about taking off my sleep shirt as I walked into the shower.
“Holler if you need anything,” Theo said.
He lingered, but I couldn’t say anything. The door shut shortly afterwards as I finally felt like I could take a big breath. This was what I had dreamt of when I thought about a man who could possibly be my partner. Someone who could help us and be there for us in our time of need, who thought about Sol as often as they thought about me.
So why was I freaking out?
Because they always leave.
I rolled my eyes at myself, feeling dramatic. But if they left, it would be triple the heartache and I barely survived when Sol’s father left us. What would happen when they were no longer in our lives?
The shower felt refreshing, but the heavy thoughts in my head only felt like a burden. Once I scrubbed myself enough and washed my hair, I got out of the shower, leisurely getting ready. I opened the door to keep an ear out for Sol, even though I didn’t need to worry about her. I changed into a big shirt and some shorts and brushed out my hair, I came out to a clean bedroom with new sheets, and the bed was made.
Dammit, Theo. I swear he’s been watching out for us since Sol was born.
“Come on, little girl,” I said, swaying side-to-side as Sol cried.
We were in the small grocery store picking up food I desperately needed. I had been putting it off for a couple of days because she had been so fussy, but I couldn’t survive on just crackers and ramen. Breastfeeding made me ravenous.
“I just need twenty minutes, please,” I whispered, feeling overwhelmed.
“Can… Can I help?” I looked over to see Theodore looking nervous.
He was my neighbor, but he didn’t talk very much.
“Uh, no. That’s fine,” I said, my voice trembling.
“I can shop or hold her,” he said with a little more confidence.
“She won’t stop crying,” I said, trying to calm her down by swaying more.
He held out his hands. “If… If she doesn’t stop, you can take… take her.”
Was I really going to let a stranger hold my daughter? At this point I felt like I might do something worse.
“Ok,” I whispered, as tears gathered in my eyes. “Bend your arms and just support her neck.”
I helped him get his arms into position as Sol’s cries grew louder. A tear fell down my cheek as I felt like I might lose it. It was like my body was telling me to do something, except I didn’t know what. I placed her into his arms, and it was like instinct as he adjusted himself to hold her. She immediately stopped crying, looking up at him. They stared at each other, they were each mesmerized. I took a deep breath, enjoyed the silence and noticed that he looked good with my daughter in his arms. Theo followed me around the store as I shopped, and he kept Sol quiet. She fell asleep in his big arms and as he put her in her car seat, I was grateful and jealous he had gotten her to calm down.
The memory brought a smile to my face. He had helped us out a few more times until I felt guilty about relying on him. Thankfully, Sol had grown out of that fussy stage. I walked out of the bedroom, feeling exhausted already, but I was thirsty and hungry. Hopefully, I could keep down some food. I walked in on all of them watching TV with the windows opened. Sol instantly noticed me, smiling so big as she walked up to me.
“Momma, are you ok?” she asked, looking like she wasn’t sick at all.
“Just tired,” I said, hugging her tightly.
“Awesome! We are watching Sing!” she squealed, going back to the sofa to sit in between Theo and Atlas.
“Did you eat?” I asked, walking to the chair on the side of the sofa.
“Yeah, toast and bananas,” she said, fixated on the TV.
“She woke up ravenous, but I wanted to make sure she could handle some bland food,” Atlas said looking me over. “How are you feeling?”
“Exhausted,” I said, sitting on the chair.
“How is your stomach?” he asked, sitting up and grabbing my hand.
He put two fingers to my pressure point as he looked at his watch.
“It’s ok, a little uneasy, but I am hungry,” I said, as he nodded.
“You think you can keep down some broth? Atlas got up to go to the kitchen.
“Yeah, I think so,” I said, watching him pull out a container and pour some broth into a mug to heat up in the microwave.
Atlas opened the door to the fridge, grabbed a Gatorade and brought it to me.
“Small sips,” he ordered.
I nodded, admiring Atlas. He was in sweatpants and a black shirt, looking too comfortable in my home. Memories of our bedroom session brought heat to my cheeks as I sipped the Gatorade. Looking away, my eyes landed on Theo, not helping to keep the memories at bay.
“You ok?” Theo asked.
“Yup,” I said, sipping my Gatorade as Atlas brought a steamy cup of broth to me.
“You are getting a little red.” Atlas touched my forehead.
“I’m fine,” I muttered, hiding behind my drink again.
They narrowed their eyes on me, and I looked at the movie. It’s not like I could tell them why I was flushed, not in front of Sol.
We watched the movie in silence as my eyelids got heavier and heavier.
“Can you drink a little more and then we can take a nap,” Atlas said, holding the cup up to my lips.
“Ok,” I murmured, taking a few more sips.
“Good girl,” he said softly, as my eyes widened.
His little smirk told me it had been done on purpose.
“Come on, let's go take a nap,” he said, helping me up as I looked over to see Sol asleep on the sofa with Theo who had also fallen asleep.
Atlas grabbed a blanket laying it over them. Sol had her feet in his lap curled up on her side. They looked adorable together, reminding me of my earlier memory and I wanted a picture to remember this, even if it hurt to look at later.
“I want a picture,” I said, wondering where the hell my phone was.
Atlas took his phone out as he took too many pictures and his smile grew bigger with each photo he took.
“Damn, they look so cute together,” he said, putting his phone away.
“They do; he’s a natural.” I sighed.
“Yeah, he is,” he agreed, leading me into my bedroom.
“Where is Colt?” I didn’t want to ask, but I was curious.
“He had to work and volunteered to do morning chores for Theo,” he said, glancing back as I nodded.
Atlas pulled the covers up, motioning for me to get in. He took off his shirt, keeping his pants on as he slid behind me. I tensed as he wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. It had been so long since I had cuddled with someone—minus Sol, because that girl was tactile and needed touch, even when I felt all touched out.
“Is this ok?” he asked.
“Yeah, it’s been a while since I've slept with someone.” The admission was another reminder of how alone I had been for the past six years.
“That was one of the hardest things to get used to, sleeping without Colt or Theo and then coming back home and having to get used to it all over again,” he said against my back. “So, if you need space just tell me, ok?”
“Ok,” I muttered.
I grabbed a pillow to hug, breathing out the tension in my body and I thought it was going to be hard to go to sleep. He made me feel safe and wanted. My eyes grew heavy quickly and I fell asleep in minutes.
The guys alternated staying with us for one more day and when I offered to pay them back for the groceries and everything else they bought, they told me I could repay them in dates. The thought of going on a date with them made me more nervous than I had been in years.
They didn’t give me much to go by, so I wore a blue maxi dress with short boots. Fall was settling in, and the nights were growing chillier. I put on my lipstick, grabbed my jacket and walked out to the living room. Stellar and Sol were playing Go Fish, and laughing. They meshed so well together and I was grateful they got along and Stellar was willing to babysit for not a lot of money.
“Alright ladies,” I said, grabbing my purse. “If you need anything, call me.”
“Alright, Ms. Nova, have a good time,” Stellar said, but Sol didn’t turn around.
“Alright baby, I’m leaving, have a good time,” I said, expecting her to turn around and say bye. “Sol, I’m leaving.”
“Hey, your mom is talking to you, Sweetie.” Stellar nudged Sol who still didn’t say anything.
“Hey, are you ok?” I squatted next to Sol.
She glared at me. “Have a good time.”
“Whoa, where is the sass coming from?” She turned back to the game. “Do you not want me to go?”
“Have fun.” She dismissed me.
Stellar and I exchanged a glance, both of us confused by her behavior.
“Hey, I saw some lemonade in the fridge, you want some? Maybe with strawberries?” Stellar asked.
“Ok,” Sol said, not looking at either of us.
Stellar got up, nodding her head to the door. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving and was getting ready to tell the guys we had to reschedule.
“Have fun. I’ll try to see what is wrong, but go enjoy yourself,” she said, pushing me to the door.
“Just call me and I’ll be back immediately,” I said, not feeling better about leaving,
“I will, she’ll be fine with me,” she assured me. “Seriously, go have a good time.”
“Ok.” I grabbed my keys taking one last look at Sol before I left.
I got into my car, staring at the house, still debating if I should cancel and stay, but Stellar said she would find out later so I had to hope she would be ok. Taking a deep breath, I pushed down the guilt and drove to the guys’ house. I tried to meet them at the restaurant but they insisted on picking me up. So, we decided on me going to their house first and I was glad I did. Sol was mad for some reason and who knows how she would have reacted to the guys.
I parked next to Atlas’ car and before I could shut my door they were exiting the house. My heart stopped when I saw them and my libido went from zero to a hundred in seconds.
Colt was the closest to me in all black with jeans and a button-up shirt and his sleeves were rolled up, showing the tattoos on his forearm. Theo was in dark-washed jeans and a green button up that was also rolled up with boots. Atlas was in dark chinos and a polo, looking every bit the hipster.
“Hola, Cielo,” Colt said, kissing my cheek, stunning me with his nickname.
“Good evening,” Theo said, giving me a soft and sweet kiss.
“Nova, you look amazing.” Atlas kissed me.
I expected him to be reserved, but he deepened the kiss, making me wonder if they would consider staying here instead.
“Nope, we are taking you out, ok,” Atlas grabbed my hand and led me to Colt’s car.
“I didn’t say anything.” I blushed that he had read me so well.
“As much as I would love you crying out in pleasure in our bed, we need this.” He kissed my hand, helping me into the back seat of the car.
He kissed me one more time before he shut the door. My entire face felt hot. I didn’t know if I would survive this night if Atlas kept saying things like that. I felt someone's eyes on me, and I looked at Colt who looked jealous and turned on at the same time. We had yet to do anything together and I wondered if that would change tonight or if anything would ever happen with us. I still felt like we were holding back.
Atlas sat in the back with me as Colt drove us out of town. The ride was quiet, but I found their silence comforting, with Atlas by my side, it was even better. We pulled up to a small restaurant called Nona’s that was attached to a small winery. I had heard of this place and had always wanted to go, but this didn’t seem like a place to bring kids.
Theo opened my door, giving me his arm as he led us inside.
“We have a reservation under Malone,” Atlas said.
“Oh yes, this way!” She smiled, showing us to a booth that was nestled in a corner. It was semi-private and I was a little relieved about it. “Your waitress will be right with you.”
She placed menus in front of us as we all scooted in. It was easier for Atlas and I to get in, but Colt and Theo were bigger, so they struggled a little bit.
“Enjoy,” she said, before leaving.
“I've always wanted to come here,” I said, grabbing the menu.
“We came last year when they opened, but we haven’t had a chance to come back,” Atlas said, laying his hand on my thigh as he looked over the menu.
Nerves were making butterflies dance in my stomach; how did someone date three guys? How would I equally divide my attention? Were they going to get jealous?
“You ok?” Colt asked, as he placed a hand on my thigh that I didn’t realize I was moving.
“Yeah, just a little nervous.” I smiled.
“There’s nothing to be nervous about unless you don’t want to be here,” he said, as he searched my face.
“I do, but dating multiple people is new for me,” I said, feeling myself get hot.
“It’s better in my opinion,” Colt said.
“I’ll take your word for it,” I chuckled.
The tension between us felt electric and the urge to kiss him was strong.
“Hi, my name is Chayanne. I’ll be your waitress for tonight.” A beautiful woman stood at the front of our table.
We placed our drink orders as silence took over again. Once I decided on what I wanted, I put the menu down to look around the restaurant. Chayenne brought our drinks, and we ordered.
“Should we talk about what we want?” Atlas asked, and I had a feeling he was the talker of the group, while Theo and Colt were more reserved.
“Sure,” I said, as Colt and Theo nodded.
“We want you, Nova. I think I've felt my attraction for a while, but lately it felt like I couldn’t ignore it anymore,” Atlas said, looking a little shy all of a sudden. “I think you're amazing and this feels right.”
“It does feel right even if it does scare me,” I admitted. “I’m a package deal and if we do this, I need to protect Sol. She wants a dad so bad, even if she doesn’t outright tell me and I could see her getting attached to you guys very quickly. That terrifies me because I don’t want her to suffer through any heartache.”
“We would never do anything to hurt her,” Theo said immediately.
“I know, but if we don’t work out then it’s not just me with a broken heart, but her too.” I sighed, feeling guilty about how I had left things with her earlier.
“So, what are you saying?” Colt took a sip of his whiskey.
“If we do this, we have to keep it a secret,” I said, biting my lip. “When and if we get more serious, we can tell her, but I just don’t want to disappoint her.”
I grabbed my wine glass, staring at it a little too intently, waiting for the moment they realized this was too much.
“That sounds reasonable,” Atlas said.
“While I don’t like keeping secrets, but I get where you are coming from,” Colt said. “I don’t think we should keep ourselves a secret for too long though.”
“Does this mean that you don’t want us around her?” Theo frowned.
“Oh no, I don’t think I could do that even if I tried,” I chuckled. “She would riot. I’m just saying if we are around her, no PDA and not tell her you’re?—”
I didn’t know what to call them.
“Boyfriends? Is that what you would be?” I was not sure how we were navigating this.
“Partners? Or boyfriends?” Atlas suggested.
“As long as you are only ours, I don’t care what you call us,” Colt said with a hint of a growl.
“I’m fine with either of those too,” Theo added. “You are only ours and no one else's, especially not Superman’s.”
Heat curled in my abdomen at their admission, but I chuckled because I knew who Theo was talking about. I really needed to text him, but we hadn’t talked since that night and I felt weird reaching out, out of the blue, “Hey! I’m dating three men, sorry!”
“It’s weird, but we don’t like to share outside of the group. It doesn’t feel right,” Atlas said, as my brows raised.
“You had an open relationship?” I asked, a little shocked.
“Being so far away we didn’t think it was fair for Atlas to be alone. We said if he needed someone, then we were ok with that,” Colt said, leaning back. “As long as he came home to us, no one else mattered, but it seemed that was awful and we all suffered. It wasn’t a good time for us.”
“I slept with someone cause I was so lonely, and I hated myself for it.” Atlas looked lost in the memory.
“He didn’t tell us, and he withdrew from us,” Theo said, rubbing Atlas’ back. “He finally broke down and told us what had happened, and we all agreed it wasn’t the right thing for us. It didn't help that Colt and I obsessed if he would do something with someone.”
“Wow.” I looked between them admiringly.
Their communication and willingness to make it work only made me want them even more. They gave me hope that this might actually work.