38. Chapter 37
Chapter 37
Katherine
I ’m in the shop for like five minutes before a sea of kids come walking in for a surf lesson which means James will be kept out of the shop for the rest of the day.
Giving me time to finally work out what I want to say. I need to tell him what’s going on. I can’t keep going on dates with him that end with us in bed together without telling him, it feels so wrong.
I haven’t really decided if I am going or not, but when I think of it in a logical way I don’t see how I can’t go back.
Dad said I shouldn’t put my soulmate search ahead of everything else and I almost feel like I’ll be letting him down somehow if I don’t go back and take the job. I know if he was still here that’s what he’d be telling me to do.
But I’m not on my soulmate search anymore. I’m with James, I’m with someone who I love.
Wait.
I’ve never loved another person, I don’t even know what it should feel like.
This is new and fresh. But that’s what it feels like, it’s exciting and I just love the way he makes me feel when he’s around. I want to spend all my time with him, around him, just near him. And it feels like every nerve in my body is on fire when his hands are on me, like nothing I’ve ever felt before in my life. And when he looks at me, sometimes it’s like being hit by a truck, my chest hurts and my legs wobble and I can’t look away from it.
I’m not in love, but maybe I’m falling.
As five o’clock rolls around, I turn the sign over on the door saying we’re closed and then go back to the counter and start to cash out.
As I turn back towards the cash register, there he is standing in front of me. Only the counter separates us.
I can’t help but take him in, the skin on his arms is sun-kissed making the black swirls of his tattoos stand out more. His hair is still damp from the day in the sea. I wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through it like this and then I wish I hadn’t thought that at all.
I see his eyes move over me too, and then meet my own. “Good day?” he asks, his brows raised, reminding me I was just checking him out shamelessly, which of course he loves. I shake my head slightly to get the thought out.
“Yeah, good takings. Ella will be happy it was busy.”
Small talk, this is horrible, we are never this awkward, not even when we were hating on each other. Will the world open up and swallow me whole, please?
“Feel like I haven’t seen you at all today.” He runs his hand through his hair, and I watch as little droplets fall from it.
“That would be because you haven’t,” I retort as I step out from behind the counter about to slide past him to tidy the wetsuits when he stops me with a big hand on my bare forearm.
“What’s wrong? Are you avoiding me?” he quizzes. Not even twenty words from me and he knows something’s up. And yes, I am trying my best to avoid him until I can get my head around a hundred different emotions and scenarios.
“Nothing, I’m fine.” Yeah, that’ll really convince him, good one, Kat .
“Yeah, sorry, I think I know you enough to know that’s not true,” he says, suspicious of me. He looks over my face for a moment, I’m glad he can’t read my mind. Cause right now, I’m thinking about how I’m contemplating throwing away my career, my future, to stay here with him. If it wasn’t for the job, I would stay and see what we could make but I have to take it, I know.
That’s what my head thinks, at least. My heart tells me none of it makes sense that I feel any of the things I do for him, and yet I do.
I wonder if I’d left my stone in that drawer, maybe this would be easier. Maybe I’d let myself make up my own mind about him, but it’s too late now. I know it’s not him and it hurts. It did then, but even more now. Now I’ve seen who he really is.
Then his hands are on my face and I melt under his touch. I can’t move. I think he’s going to say something, or maybe I’m going to say something, but then he’s rubbing his hand over my cheek and his thumb over my lower lip as I look up at him. I don’t feel the need to stop him.
“Katherine.” My breath hitches in my throat as his other hand comes up to cup my other cheek. “I can see those cogs going and I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m going to kiss you now.” His breath hits my face as he speaks and my brain turns to liquid.
“Please,” I tell him, almost whispering.
His eyes shift for a second and something flashes over them and I think he’s thinking he regrets everything he said to me the other night. But that’s clearly not what he’s thinking, because a second later, his lips are on mine.
My mind is finally quiet for the first time in two days. His lips are soft and perfect like the rest of him and I kick myself for this because I don’t think I’ll ever want to kiss anyone else, ever. Nothing feels like this, as his hands slide from my face into my hair I know no one will touch me the way he does .
It’s like all my doubts and worries take a vacation whenever he’s in the room because I don’t think anything bad will happen when he’s with me and I feel safe and at home in his arms. My heart races and my palms sweat as I wrap my hands about the back on his neck, entwining my fingers, pulling him closer to me.
I was wrong, I've fallen. I was already there. I just don’t think I knew how badly until right now how much he’d really pulled me under. The second I was debating staying for him I should have known.
I can feel it taking over me like a perfect morning wave crushing me under the water, completely engulfing me.
Fuck.
His mouth moves across mine like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It’s like I’m melting into him, like our mouths are made to be doing this. But they aren't, I remind myself.
And yet when his tongue swipes over my lower lip, I don’t hesitate to open my mouth and let him in. At the same time, his arm that’s been holding onto my hip moves around my back and pulls me even closer to him which I didn’t think was possible.
“The fuck is that,” James says, pulling away from me a little, looking down at the pocket of my shorts.
A bright glow is showing through the fabric, I untangle myself from him and fish around until my hand makes contact with it. My hand shakes as I pull it out, my hand laying out in front of us and there in my palm is my soul stone, glowing.
His eyes go as wide as mine do.
“I didn’t put it in there,” I tell him, I was sure it had been sitting in my bedside drawer since the night of the wedding and I have no idea how it ended up in my pocket. “Why is it only glowing now? This doesn’t make sense,” I say to myself more than to James. This really doesn’t make any sense, everything I thought I knew about the stones made me think it would just glow right away, so why didn’t mine?
What if it’s broken?
When I look back up at James, he’s just looking at me, but not in the usual way. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing, he’s just staring. He’s still mere millimetres away from my face. I’d love to know what he’s thinking because he’s not looking at me like he did at the wedding when I was sitting on that kitchen counter or at the lighthouse or even in my bedroom or like he was a few minutes ago before he kissed me. He’s looking at me like it’s that first day I stepped foot in this store.
He doesn’t look like he’s feeling what I’m feeling, or maybe he is and that’s what the problem is, maybe he doesn’t want to feel this.
I wish I knew what he was thinking, because my thoughts won’t slow down.
“I can’t believe you have that,” he practically growls, he looks angry but he also looks so sad. I close my hand around it hoping to hide it. “What happened to seeing how things went?” I’ve only really ever seen him truly angry once, the night of the Halloween party and I was not on the receiving end of it then.
“James.” This is not what should be happening. “It… I… it wasn’t supposed to be this way—”
“Could you not have just let yourself fall? Let yourself feel what I felt? Did you have to have that thing glow to tell you?” His words sting, sting like falling on to those rocks the other night, my knees ache thinking about it, or maybe it’s the sick feeling filling my stomach making me feel weak.
“James…” He cuts me off, taking a few steps away from me. I instantly feel cold with him so far away.
“I felt it the minute I looked into your eyes the other night at the wedding. I felt the tight squeeze around my heart. Every minute I’ve spent with you since, I only felt it more,” he confesses, looking down at his hands, anywhere but at me. “I’d hoped you felt it too but all that matters is that thing! ”
My brain has completely fogged and the feeling of being whole is replaced by the feeling I’m all too familiar with, anxiety. I’m so worried I can’t reel this back or say the right thing, my mouth goes so dry that I don’t think I can open it at all.
I had not planned for this, I have nothing in place to help me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” is all I’m able to muster. His voice and words swirled in my head and I can’t possibly say something back to what he’s saying.
I know what he said the other night about giving it a go but he made it sound so casual, like he didn’t want to jump in. Like while I was here we’d go out but he didn’t word it like he loves me.
“Because I know you Katherine, I know if I had, you would have ran to get that thing and test it and I didn’t want that. I wanted you to understand your own feelings but I know you.” Katherine, not Sunshine or Kat, just Katherine. The last bit comes out dripped in disappointment, it’s the only time his disappointment has affected me.
I don’t dare tell him I got it out for the wedding.
“No, you don’t.” This was the moment I had been waiting for since I stepped foot in this city. I knew that, he knew that. “If you did, then you would have known I’d test it at some point. Even if I had listened to the feeling in my heart, even if I told you I’d fallen. I—” We stand inches apart from each other again like we can’t help but be close. I’m starting to worry that if my heart beats any harder my chest will hit his.
“You what?” I can hear the anger in his voice creep out, the tone I’d heard plenty of times before but it’s different, mixed with other things. It’s like all the versions of himself are fighting with each other. I imagine all the little James’ in his head, like my little Katherine’s, fighting over what to feel and say.
I don’t want him to see me cry right now, I blink to keep my tears back. “I couldn’t let myself truly believe I had.” I’d never let myself fall apart for someone no matter how much I told myself I would. It’s too scary, too much risk, too much like losing more of myself.
“So, it wouldn’t have mattered. I could have done anything and it wouldn’t have mattered unless you checked, unless you knew for sure?” His voice is so cold it cuts right through me and I’m stuck again.
“James.”
“Any feelings you had for me, you would just swept them under the carpet when you met your real soulmate, is that it? In twenty years time you wouldn’t even give a thought to me because at least you had your soulmate. Right? You’re just like her.”
I flinch like I’ve been hit, I can’t believe he compared me to his mom. “But—” I’m not even sure I can say it out loud. “James, you are my soulmate.” Considering he just confessed his feelings to me, I’d think this would be a good thing. But I can see the way his face twists and I know how he feels now.
“Don’t do that, Katherine.” He puts a hand through his hair like I’ve watched him do a thousand times before taking a few steps back until he hits the counter, putting his hands on it and leaning back. I don’t think he can decide if he wants to be close or a thousand miles away.
I watch his chest rise and fall as mine does the same. I feel like I’ve just ran a marathon; out of breath, sweating, feeling like I might throw up at any moment.
“Fine,” I say, making him look up from his feet, time to be brave Katherine. “I don’t know what I’m doing, James.” I look away from him so I can actually think without having his eyes bore into me. “You think I have any clue about any of this? I don’t. I don’t know how any of this works.” I don’t know where any of this is coming from, what part of my brain these feelings are pouring from.
The truthful part .
“The truth is, I’m so lost, I don’t know what I’m doing. When we just kissed,” I pause, I don’t know what I’m trying to tell him or say or explain. I just wanted to run, that’s always been my default.
The cowards way out.
“What are you scared of, Katherine?” His voice is soft now, but it’s too late my perfect moment is gone. The moment I’d dreamt of since I was a kid, since the day I was told the stories of soulmates, since I got my stone, is gone. I’ll never get it back.
“What am I scared of?” I can feel the angry build in myself now, growing like an untamed rose bush, climbing up the side of a house, covering the windows, blocking out the light.
I take a step towards him.
“I’m scared of everything!” I shout. “I’m scared I’ll make the wrong decision. I’m scared I can’t make a decision! I’m scared that I… that I don’t actually know what I want anymore. I was willing to throw it away to stay here with you. But you’ll never get past how I believe, will you?” I can feel the words flow like a river now, I can’t stop them even if I wanted to.
I take another step.
“You walked into my life as the complete opposite of what I thought I wanted, and now look at me. Look at this.” I thrust the stone, still in my hand, closer to him. I stare at it to make sure it is still glowing and I’m not losing my mind. I take a breath, my heart still pounding hard in my chest but I don’t want to shout anymore.
I take one more step.
“I’m scared that regardless of this stone, I’ll never actually let myself love anyone. Because loving someone is like losing a part of yourself, and I’ve lost such a big part, I’m not sure how much I have left to lose.” I finally let the tears roll from my eyes. I’m inches from him now and I can hear him breathing .
He’s so close, I want to hold him, for him to hold me and tell me this will be okay, that we’ll work through this together but I don’t and neither does he. But I can’t stop myself from looking at him.
“Katherine.”
“You know I could have let myself love you, I could.” He puts his hand on my cheek again and I lean into it. “I could have done it maybe without the stone but I think I need it because I never trust myself, never know if I’m making the right decision. But you are so sure of things, and I thought I was sure about you and somehow convinced myself I was making the right decision. Maybe my stone’s broken because I am.”
I take a long breath in and then exhale before stepping out of his touch. “Katherine.” His eyes are a little pleading, like maybe he wants to continue this conversation but I feel like it’ll go nowhere.
“I got offered a job at a magazine in New York, that’s why I was avoiding you. Because I couldn’t decide if I should take it and move back home, or to stay here with you.” Somehow that seems like the easiest thing to say now. Hours ago, I was sweaty and panicked about it but now it’s like nothing.
“Katherine, that’s… that’s amazing. You shouldn’t give up that opportunity.” I know he’s right but he’s also breaking my heart and I think maybe his own.
“I’ve been panicking for days, I think I didn’t want to disappoint you or let you down. But I think you just made up my mind for me.” The choice couldn’t be clearer. “You should go.” I don’t really want him to, but I’m not sure what else we have left to say to each other, I’m exhausted.
He stalls for a moment, pushing himself off the counter top just to linger in front of me. I manage to not cry while he looks at me one last time in a way that tells me he never will again. “Bye, Kat,” he says holding my cheek as he kisses my forehead and then with one last look he’s gone.
Kat.
One last reminder that he really did know me, truly. The fact I’ll never hear it from his lips again starts the wave of sadness and then I don’t think it’ll ever stop.
I sit in the darkness of the shop on the floor and cry. My chest hurts in so many ways and I forget how to breathe properly for a few minutes and then I feel it.
I feel it.
I feel a small crack and then another and another until it feels like it’s fallen apart completely. I’ve only ever known a complete heartbreak once before.
And I’d never wanted that again, never wanted to lose someone again who meant that much to me and yet here I am, on my own, in an empty shop falling completely and utterly apart. Because the one thing I thought I could do, the one thing I thought would make me whole again, was gone, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back again.
Ella tries to call, or maybe it’s Mom checking in, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket but I don’t touch it. I can’t, I don’t think I would make an audible word if I tried.
Eventually, Ella comes to the shop when I’m an hour late home. I feel even worse when I realise how much she was probably worrying, and that makes me cry more. She doesn’t ask me what happened, I’m sure she can work it out from the now clear stone on the floor next to me. She just hugs me until I stand myself up.
When we get home, I just take myself to my room, pulling myself under my covers and crying some more. I’m not sure I know what I’m crying for anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The worst part is that I know it’s all my fault .
If I’d just let myself feel what I was feeling, trusted myself for a change, if I’d not been so stubborn, if I’d just left the stone in the drawer, it still would have glowed. But I wouldn’t have known, maybe I could have just fallen for him and we could have worked out the whole job thing together.
I cry myself to sleep.