39. Chapter 38
Chapter 38
James
I don’t really know how I manage to get in my truck and start driving but I do it with a numb feeling spreading through me.
But I keep moving.
I have to; if I stop, then I don’t know what I’ll start to feel.
Rage builds inside of me, and my hands grip the steering wheel to the point of pain.
I’m like a shark. I feel like if I stop moving, I’ll suffocate. I’m completely on autopilot, just going through the motions.
My view starts to get blurry and I squint out into the sky to check for rain, wondering if the sky feels the same way I do but there’s none and then I realise it’s me.
Tears sting my face as they fall from my eyes and an unfamiliar sound leaks from my throat and then another, I can feel my hands shake. I pull over to the side of the road and bury my head in my hands.
Pain grips my chest and my throat goes dry. My body shakes in my seat, my chest burning.
What the fuck?
What on earth just happened and why am I crying?
I can’t even remember the last time I cried in a way that made my body shake and my head hurt.
I do .
I haven’t since she left. Since Mum walked out, that was the last time I lost it. This feels like that, this feels like losing someone I should never have to let go of. Someone who’s just meant to be there forever, meant to be with me for my lifetime. This feels like my heart is breaking, or maybe I’m dying.
I manage to pull myself together long enough to drive home, I sit in my truck long enough to make sure I’m not going to cry again. I pull myself from my truck, but before I get to the door, Dad is already outside almost like he’s been waiting for me, already knowing.
“Dad, I really fucked up,” I tell him when I reach him and there I am, crying again. For too many reasons to count and for the fact he’s here for me right now. I don’t even get a whiff of beer as he pulls me down into a hug.
I haven’t felt comfort from him in years. I can’t even remember the last time I actually wanted it from him, it breaks my heart even more that it took all of this for it to happen.
Feeling close to him vanished years ago, replaced by the fear I would end up just like him instead. But now I just need my dad, I need him to hold me like he did years ago.
“It’s going to be okay,” he tells me and I’m not sure I believe him.
I’m not sure it ever will be again because I don’t know how it can be, I don’t know how I’m meant to be okay if she’s not here. If she’s not by my side.
How am I meant to be okay knowing the only girl I’ve ever fallen for will now hate me forever?