42. Chapter 41
Chapter 41
Katherine
L eaving wasn’t easy in any description of the word.
It wasn’t like I was just leaving behind Ella, Maddie and James. It was like I was leaving behind a new part of myself, like something in me had grown while I was there. A free part and a part of me that wasn’t stressed and anxious.
And I don’t know how to be that me without this place. How to take everything I’ve learnt with me, because it all just seems so entangled with Gull’s Bay.
But truthfully I know it’s not the place that changed me, he did.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Ella told me as she practically squeezed every morsel of oxygen out of my body. “But I’ll see you soon, I’ll come to the States, I promise,” she said, pulling back, holding my face in her hands like I was six again.
“You know you don’t have to do that.” The whole reason it had been so long was because of losing Dad, she couldn’t deal with being in the city he lived in without all the pain coming back, I guess that’s the reason we didn’t come to visit either. No one ever said it, but everyone knew.
“I think it’s time we all decided to not let the bad times take away for the good ones, I think Ben would be kicking all of us if he knew how bad we’d let things get.” She’s right, Dad was all about staying connected as much as we could and I think we all thought the space would be good but it’s done the opposite.
“Aunt Ella is right, we’re family and we need each other,” Mom says, rolling the last suitcase out of my room.
Ella drives us to the airport and it’s like a scene out of a movie, hugging and crying at the check-in desk like we’ll never see each other again.
When we touch down at JFK, I expect to feel this overwhelming sense of relief or maybe regret but I don’t. Nothing that strong hits me until we walk through the doors of the airport and Bella and Nick are waiting at the taxi stand. I don’t even think as I run to them.
I’ve missed this more than I thought I would.
We don’t move from our group hug until Mom catches up, and it’s like I never left.
When we get back to the apartment, Mom says she’s in need of a very long nap. I am too but I’m hyped up on adrenaline, so the three of us order the greasiest, most New York pizza from a shop a few blocks away. We stay up for most of the night talking and me crying.
Nick hugs me in the way he always has, strong and sturdy. I’d missed these, needed them more than I thought I did. But I don’t get any of the feelings I used to. No longing or wishing for him in the way I used to. He’s just my best friend hugging life back into me because I’m heartbroken.
I wanted easy, I wanted familiar and safe, and I thought that was Nick for years. But the universe gave me difficult, frustrating and yet the safest I’ve ever felt. It gave me James and now that I’ve known the feeling of being with him, I’m not sure I can ever forget it. Not sure how I am meant to feel whole ever again.
When I wake in the morning, I have that moment where I completely forget who I am, where I am, and what I’m doing. It’s nice for a minute, to forget I ran away. I reach for my phone off the nightstand just to remember it’s not where it was at Ella’s. I root around under my pillow, finally finding it. I have a text from Maddie saying she hopes we got back safe and sound, and I feel a tear roll down my face. I wipe it away quickly when I feel Bella stir next to me.
I’d also forgotten they were both here, Nick curled up on a futon on the floor. His legs hang off the end but he looks peaceful.
Bella sits up more and pulls me into the side of her, my head resting on her shoulder. “It’ll be okay. You’ll get through this,” Bella tells me as I feel more tears fall down my face.
“Will I? Because I feel like there’s this hole in my chest now.” I know I made the right decision, I needed to come home. It was time even if I didn’t know it.
That’s a lie.
He said to me the last time I saw him, Any feelings you had for me, you would have just swept them under the carpet when you met your real soulmate, is that it? In twenty years time you wouldn’t even give a thought to me because at least you had your soulmate. Well I guess truly it’s the opposite way round, I’ll have to forget about my soulmate. Have to pretend with someone else the way I wanted to, was going to do, with him.
“You’re stronger than you think, Kat.”
I just have to believe it’s true. I’m surrounded by so much love in the city and with a new job days away to take up all my attention, I can do this.
In the ever wise words of Taylor Swift, “ I wanna be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate. Not the things that I’m afraid of. Not the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think that you are what you love.”
And I love the people around me, I love New York, I love my family, I love writing, I love grabbing a coffee and listening to music while I get lost in the city, I love the smell and feel of a new book, I love little knick-knacks from travels and trips—and I love James.
He’s a part of me now, he changed me more than I ever thought was possible. And he’ll be one of those things that defines the rest of my life, even if he’s not in it. He'll always be there, in a corner of my heart but I’ll be okay and I hope he is too.
I think growing up might mean not hating people for breaking your heart when they were probably breaking their own too.