43. Chapter 42
Chapter 42
James
T wo weeks without Katherine feels like a lifetime.
Now that she’s been part of it, it feels like she was always here, like she’s always been irritating me and by my side. I can’t imagine doing this for much longer, I don’t know how I’m meant to pretend that she hasn’t clawed her way into my soul and put a part of herself there.
How do people do this? Let someone go but keep loving them. I’m trying to do the right thing, be the better person. I don’t even think she’d want me now anyway, not after I ruined her soulmate moment. I ruined that, I exploded and over-reacted. Not because I was actually mad but because I didn’t know how to deal with it and my best option seemed to be anger.
And the thing I can’t stop thinking about was how she said, I didn’t put it in there. And, why is it only glowing now? I didn’t register any of that at the time but she did. Like she was confused, like it wasn’t the first time she had it around me, but that doesn’t make sense. We always both said I’d never be her soulmate.
That almost feels like a joke now.
“Wow, I’m so impressed, you’ve managed to fold one t-shirt in the last half an hour,” Ella says, coming into the back room looking at the delivery that would normally take me twenty minutes to put away .
“Yeah, well, perfection takes time.” I offer her the best smile I’ve got in my arsenal but it does little to move the frown from her face. It’s sad how I used to see a little of Ella in Kat, in the caring sunshine kind of way, and now whenever I look at Ella that doesn’t comfort me.
“Yeah, or you’re distracted.” She steps closer to me. “James, you can always tell me the truth.”
I look away from her, unable to look at her eyes any longer. “I know,” I say, trying with all of my strength to literally not think about how Katherine has been all over this stockroom.
She sighs, leaning on the table next to her. “How was seeing your mum?” she asks.
The flip in conversation almost gives me whiplash. “Is this ask James hard questions hour?” My joke doesn't make either of us laugh. “Hard. I thought—I thought Kat would be here to help me. But good, I guess.”
“Good.”
Ella and I have never been like this, never tiptoed around the real questions, never avoided everything with each other. She's like a mum I didn’t have, a bit like the dad I didn't have either.
“I’m sorry, Ella, I just don’t know what to do anymore.” I know she’ll tell me it’ll take time, that I’ll be okay soon. That this will hurt a little less in a few weeks or months. That one day I’ll wake up and it’ll just stop being painful.
“I do. Fly to New York and tell my niece exactly how you feel. Because honestly you’re bringing us all down and I can’t cope knowing she’s probably acting the exact same way a thousand miles away.” She crosses her arms over her chest and I feel about sixteen again.
“Ella.” I let out a shaky breath cause honestly going and seeing her is all I want to do. “I can’t, she’s starting a new job, and my life is here, and as I’m sure she’s already told you I fucked up. ”
“She may have mentioned it, she also mentioned how she understood your reaction even if she wasn’t happy about it. Look, I can’t tell you what she’s thinking any more than I can tell her what you’re thinking but you can.”
“But Dad…”
“Will be happy you found someone you love,” she says, interjecting. “James, we don’t choose where we grow up but we can choose where we make our home. I wasn’t born here but I’d call Gull’s Bay home before I would California. Much as I imagine you would call Kat home before this place. A person can be home just as much as a house. Where you live isn’t as important as the people you have with you. I don’t know where you and Kat will end up but as long as you're together it doesn’t matter.”
“How long have you had that one brewing away?” I smile for the first time in what feels like forever.
“Oh, at least a week. I was just waiting for the right time.” She stands up fully again. “I’ve got enough air miles to get you there, and you’ll just have to hope she forgives you cause I don’t have enough to get you back.”
My brain swirls for a moment, I could do this, go running after her. I could have my standing at her window with a boombox moment, I could but I shouldn’t.
“She’s probably settled by now.”
“Then go unsettle her. That's what you two have been doing for each other since she got here.”
Ella’s words linger in my mind as I finish my shift early, per her request, apparently I’m not much help at the moment anyway. I drive home and Dad’s car is parked in the driveway, in the middle of the day, which is normally a bad sign.
Lately he’s actually been holding it together pretty well. He hasn’t really talked about Mum, or why he called her or how he feels about it, but he is going to meetings again. He’s told me this is the time it’s going to stick and I’d normally roll my eyes and wait the week out until he’s back down the pub, but I think maybe this is it.
It feels weird to have a feeling of hope when it comes to my dad but this time I do. It feels about the only thing in my life right now that I actually think will work out. I know not to put too much on it or him so I’ve kept my optimism to myself.
There’s a bag packed by the door when I get in, it’s his.
“Dad?” I call out into the house and his head pops out from his bedroom.
“Hey, kid.” He walks towards me like a man who’s been sober for more than a few days. “We need to talk.”
“Yeah, I can see that, where are you going?” I ask moving into the living room following after him. He sits in his normal recliner, I sit on the arm of the sofa across from him. “What’s going on?”
His eyes are full of something I’m not sure I can put my finger on, almost regretful. Wistful I think the word is.
“Well, you know that rehab I mentioned a week ago? Well, a space opened up.” He looks over my face for a second. “It’s mine if I want it, but I have to go today,” he tells me, his hand shaking a little. I reach across to hold them.
“I didn’t even think—today? This seems a bit soon.” What I really mean is I didn’t think he’d really go, didn’t think he’d have to leave so soon after her.
“I’ve been holding on to too much. I think it’s time I let some of it go.” Every time he’s been sober for a while it’s just been a cold turkey and willpower situation, which he never had a lot of. He never talked about actually talking to someone, a therapist, to help with the brain part of it. To talk through the reason he actually drinks.
“I’m not sure what to say. ”
“Well, I imagine it’s something along the lines of ‘about damn time’ because we both know that I’ve put this off long enough, Son. I was so sure I could do it myself, I guess I was too scared to admit I couldn’t.” He lets out a breath and it seems to deflate his whole body but he’s got this light in his eyes I haven’t seen in years and for the first time, I believe him. And it’s not about me or anyone else, just him, and I don’t think he’s going to let me or himself down this time.
“Now I’m really not sure what to say. I’m proud of you.” I pull him off the chair and bring him in for a hug and my chest feels full and a little like I might cry. All I can think about is the life he might have after this and the extra time I’ll get to have with him. Because years ago, I had come to the conclusion that I’d have no parents before I was thirty. That Mum was gone and Dad would get so ill from the alcohol that I wouldn’t be able to do anything and he’d be gone too.
“I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for you. Seeing how you managed to work though your own demons, seeing how happy you were with Katherine. How you’re working things out with your mum, you're an inspiration.”
My next breath gets stuck in my throat. Have I really worked through anything? Have I really changed that much to affect him to this point?
“And since I’ll be gone for a while, there’s no excuse not to go and get your girl back.” His eyes light up even more, a little more air in him, this has Ella written all over it. Maybe not the rehab but the rest has her finger prints embedded in it.
“This isn’t about me, Dad, it’s about you. I’ll be right here when you get back. I’m not running off to New York.”
Even if I really want to.
Even if I can’t help feeling this pulling on my chest every other minute, even if my mind wanders to her all the time, even if I wonder what it might be like to actually be with her. To hold her hand when I want to, to kiss her until I forget who I am, to plan the future with her.
“No, Son, it’s about us. About us finally taking control of our lives again. I’ve let my drinking get in the way of so many things, so many good things, I’ve let it ruin so many good things with you. So I’m taking back control for me and for you and you are going to do the same.” His face is like stone, like he’s so set on this, so sure about what he’s saying it’s not an opinion it’s fact and I almost believe him, in the way you believe your parents when they tell you Santa Claus is real. “You’ve been writing off love for years, you’ve put it down as something evil, something to be warded off. And god it might have ended so badly, but the years I had with your mum, I wouldn’t trade for the world.
“Love is like holding real magic in your hands, it’s everything you think it’s going to be and so much more, and I want you to have that. To get to experience that. You wanted her to like you, love you, because she wanted to, not because of the stone. How about loving her because of it? Why don’t we both try something different for a change?”
Maybe I really do believe him. Maybe this many people telling me it’s time to leap into something I’m scared of means they’re right.
Maybe it’s time to take control of my life again.