Chapter Seventy-Three
Cade
I have one foot on either rails of the train tracks, arms at my side as I stare up at the purple sky. The storm is festering. Stubborn. The rain is trapped above the clouds and they won’t break even though the air is thick with humidity and crackling with electricity. I’ve shed my hoodie. I want him to see me for what I’ve become. I want him to strike me down in a flash of lightning. I’m tempting him. The metal beneath my shoes a conduit. But the fucker won’t kill me. Does he want everyone to die? I’m giving him an out to what he created.
“Take me!” I scream, ripping my throat as the tendons in my neck tighten.
I’ve done everything. All one-hundred bombs are finished. Plus two teddy bears. The chairs have gone up as I expected—in a pattern I expected. No one will survive. My plan is finally here. A whole night earlier, even. And I just want to die. It’s me or them and I would rather it be me.
But I’m a coward.
“ Kill me!” Rage burns under my skin. “It’s them or me, you sick fuck!” I cry up to the heavens.
I hoped I would have starved. Passed out and hit my head. Bled to death and rotted in the woods. Rotted like Bobby. That’s what I deserve. But I keep moving. Why? For fuck’s sake, why?!
“Please.” I fall to my knees, bones hitting the sleepers. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Then don’t.”
I don’t even have to turn around to know he’s set my angel down. Her voice is damnation, raking across my skin like divine retribution, and I hang my head. This is what he gives me? A bitter smirk eats my lips, a menacing chuckle bubbling up. Because of course, of course , this would be how he punishes me. Death would be too easy.
“Do your worst,” I dare him and stand, gritting my teeth for the onslaught.
Oh, and does he ever.
Sky is wearing my hoodie, her bronze hair flowing over the black material like a seductress. It takes everything in me not to run to her, breaks everything in me when she doesn’t run to me. Because she’s scared… of me—of what I’ll do or say. It’s what I wanted, but it’s not what I want . I want her to jump on me, wrap her legs around me, smother me in her scent and warmth. I want her to save me.
But she can’t.
“You don’t want to be here,” I tell her.
She winces, squeezing her shoulders together. The response peels at the pieces left of my heart like a hangnail, slow and agonizing.
“I want to be wherever you are,” she says softly, timidly.
This isn’t the shielded and fiery girl I met a year ago. This girl is palms out and walls down, willing to let me tear her apart. She trusts me. As scared as she is, she still trusts me. She shouldn’t.
“No, you don’t, Sky.” Her name tastes good on my tongue, and I bet she would let me taste other places. But she doesn’t know that come graduation, she will want to be as far away from me as possible. She doesn’t know that where I am, there is death.
“Cade…” She steps closer, some of that tenacity peeking through.
I wish I could enjoy it, but that one step illuminates a set of dark circles under her eyes. The skin is thin and fragile, and I note the haunted shadows in her irises. It’s my turn to wince, and I avert my gaze, not willing to see how I’ve destroyed her.
“I do,” she continues. “No matter where that is, I want to be with you.”
Flashes of her in Hell, donned in white as the flames lick her skin, make me shudder.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I grind out as a distant train whistles.
“Yes, I do.”
Anger courses through me faster than a match can spark, and I lunge for her.
“You don’t,” I yell. “You have no idea.” I grasp her delicate wrists and pull her against me, ignoring her gasp. “If you did, you wouldn’t be here right now,” I say, and shake her, trying to make her understand. “You wouldn’t even be able to look at me. You would hate me. You wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You would be embarrassed to even be standing here right now.”
Her eyes sear into mine, but there’s not a trace of the fear she should have. Doesn’t she see it? Doesn’t she see me?! I growl and drag her onto the train tracks. She begins to trip and I hoist her up, locking my arms around her. The clouds finally break, and fat, warm droplets begin to pelt us.
“See now?” I demand, anchoring us in the center of the tracks as the whistle draws closer, showing her how easy it would be for me to take our lives.
“I see it all.” She raises her chin. “And I don’t care.”
“God damn it!” I hiss between my teeth. Is she fucking blind? “Do you even know who I am?”
“You’re just Cade.” She smiles sadly and puts a hand on my cheek.
“No.” I snatch her wrist. “I’m your worst nightmare.”
“If you’re a nightmare, then how come I don’t want to wake up? Don’t you see? I don’t care. I love you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what you’re… what you’re…”
She can’t finish her words, and I squeeze my eyes shut against her short proclamation. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know what I’m capable of. A taste is all she needs, and then she will go running. It pains me to tell her, but I have to.
“Look at me, Sky, really look at me. Who chased you through the woods? Who was in your room that night? Look at me and tell me you don’t see it.”
Her brows pinch, and I know I have her attention.
“How tall was he, Sky? What was he wearing? Was it all black? Did he wear a hood?” I jerk my chin to my discarded hoodie. “You know who he is. You know who I am.”
She gives a cautious look at the black material I cast aside, and then drops her gaze to my boots. They crunch and sink in the gravel, shining with wet rain, and her bottom lip falls.
“You see it now, don’t you?” My gut sinks with her realization. “I’m your stalker. I’m the twisted, sick fuck who painted their face and terrorized you.”
Rain coats her lashes as she looks up at me and examines my face. I hold still against the burning shame, letting her connect the dots. The train howls behind me, getting closer.
“It was you?” she asks, genuinely dumbfounded.
Jesus, maybe we are both crazy, burying the things we don’t want to see.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” I snap. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. What matters is I’m a monster, and you shouldn’t be here.”
She seems to consider this for a moment, and I let my hold on her loosen, sensing the train is nearing with the way the tracks vibrate.
“I don’t care,” she finally says.
For a second, I’m absolved. My sins seem to pool at my feet with the rain that drips from my drenched clothes. She doesn’t care? Something lifts from my shoulders and the tiniest bit of air touches my lungs. It’s the oxygen I’ve been deprived of for weeks and it tastes sweet, forgiving . I want to revel in it, covet it, and devour more. But then I remember why I’ve been choking on my own breath. And who will never be able to breathe again.
“Then you are lost to reason,” I snarl and lock her body against mine.
The glow of a single headlight slices through the darkness, casting light across her face as the train rounds the bend. She squints, eyes narrowing against the blinding glare. The horn blares as the track rattles beneath us, and finally, worry etches into her features. She writhes against me, her body becoming tense.
“What are you doing?” She presses her palms against my chest.
“Speeding up the timeline.”
A brief flash of horror crosses her face as the light grows harsher and the horn becomes deafening. She suddenly clutches my shirt.
“You don’t want to do this.” Her words are rushed as tears fill in her eyes. “You made a mistake. It was an accident. I still love you. I’ll always love you. No matter what. Please, don’t do this. I forgive you—” The train sounds again, drowning out a part of her plea. “—would forgive you.”
I clamp my jaw. As desperately as I want her forgiveness, she can’t forgive what she doesn’t know.
“Cade!” she screams when she realizes she hasn’t swayed me.
Her heart thumps erratically against my own as she peers around me at the oncoming train. But I can’t let her go. Maybe this is better. I can die with her in my arms instead of with her across an audience. Maybe when her soul ascends, she will pull me with her.
She suddenly relaxes in my hold, and I feel her take a deep breath.
“Okay!” she yells over the rain. “If this is what you need, then I’m with you.”
She slips her arms out and wraps them around me, placing her cheek against my chest.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I shout.
“I told you, I love you, Cade. No matter what. Even if we have to die for you to realize it.”