Chapter 41 #2
“You don’t even know me, Nash,” I protest.
“Oh, I think I know you pretty well,” he replies confidently, a mischievous glint in his eyes.
“My body, maybe, but you don’t know me. I’m not someone you want to keep around.”
“I highly doubt that,” he tells me, scrunching up his nose.
“Case in point. You would agree if you knew me.” I laugh, but I mean every word.
Nash tilts his head, considering. “Then tell me something no one knows. Let me get to know you and form my own opinion.”
I hesitate for a moment, my eyes searching his.
Do I want to open up to him? I could tell him something safe. When was the last time someone cared or asked about me?
Besides Saylor.
My heart squeezes even more.
“I always wanted a big house, a place to call home and come back to every day. I want to have a garden with herbs, even though I can’t even cook.
It’s just… I don’t know, the idea of a house and an herb garden, that’s what’s home for me.
And here I am, can’t keep a plant alive for shit and living in a van. ”
He raises an eyebrow, intrigued. “Herbs?”
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes, smiling. “I know it’s silly. Your turn, tell me something no one knows.”
Lio starts to cough, so we both turn to look at him, but he returns to searching for sea glass with Jessica by his side, and I look back at Nash.
He takes a deep breath. “I’m jealous of the worst day of my family’s lives.” Silence follows his confession, hanging heavy in the air.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
He isn’t talking about the storm, right?
Nash continues, his voice trembling slightly as he looks to the ocean, “The day everything happened? The day that destroyed my brothers? I’m jealous I wasn’t on the water with them, and I feel horrible for it.
They share a trauma I don’t, and it always feels like I’m looking in from the outside, not part of their bond.
A bond that was forged through horror, but still, they have a bond I can never be a part of, and they let me feel it every fucking day.
They are my whole world, and what they see in me is still the little brother I was seven years ago.
I don’t have a higher standing in their minds than Lio. I’m not an equal.”
I sigh, understanding the weight of his words. “Nash,” I whisper.
“I know, it sounds horrible. I’m ashamed of it. I really am. But I can’t change it. I just… I feel alone, even when I’m with them. I’m always alone.”
His confession has just changed my whole perception of him. The easygoing, charming, and friendly Nash I knew may have been a facade.
Maybe it’s all just a mask.
A mask to hide his pain, a pain he can’t share with anyone. It’s a genuine pain—a deserved pain—because I caught a glimpse of what he’s saying. I know what he means.
It’s Hunter and North, and Nash is just there, treated like the little brother who doesn’t know better. I understand why he’s hurting, and I can also understand why he can’t tell anyone about it. Wishing to have been there when the trauma happened just sounds wrong.
But he is alone.
He hides it well, but right at this moment, I see it in his open, vulnerable gaze, in his stance. He’s standing in front of me, pleading with his eyes for me to understand.
“I know the feeling. I’m always alone too,” I mutter, fiddling with the sea glass.
He steps closer to me, his hand cupping my cheek, urging me to look into his ocean blue eyes. “I don’t feel alone when you’re with me.”
I give him a sad smile. “I don’t either when you’re around.”
And that’s the truth. He makes me feel less alone. It’s the whole reason why I can’t stay away, not even when I knew I would hurt Saylor.
“Sleep in my bed tonight?” he asks, his eyes filled with longing.
“Nash, I told you I—”
“Nothing is going to happen. Let’s just be alone together? I want to sleep with you, but in an innocent way,” he mutters, letting go of me to scratch his neck, looking adorably flustered. “The nights are the worst, and I think it wouldn’t be that bad if you were there.”
“Last time you had the chance to sleep in my bed, you fled,” I joke, but it’s evident to both of us that still stings. Enough for me to hesitate.
“I was stupid. I wanted to stay, but it was just. I don’t know. Too much? I’m confused. I can’t tell you what is going on in my head. I only know I want to have you with me.” Nash shrugs nonchalantly, yet the glint in his eyes is everything but.
This certainly will not help the crush that I need to get rid of, which is already flaring up again after this amazing experience he gave me today.
And Saylor would scream at me not to do it, but he’s still gone.
Maybe forever.
It will definitely drive me even deeper into this mess.
But he needs someone in his corner. Just like I do.
“I need the lights on and some music playing in the background,” I mumble, looking at my feet.
“As if that would be a problem,” he tells me softly.
When I look back into his eyes, he gazes at me with curiosity, his head tilted. “Okay.” I let out a breath. “Sure. I’ll sleep in your bed tonight.”