Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
The world is a hazy blur, distorted by the medication coursing through my veins.
The darkness is still relentless, and the despair threatens to consume me.
I can barely make out the shapes around me when, suddenly, a chill runs down my neck and a familiar voice calls out my name.
“Sloany,” the voice whispers gently, and in my drugged state, it sounds distant and dreamlike.
“Nan?” I mumble, tears welling in my eyes as the fog in my mind clears just enough to recognize her voice.
Am I dreaming again?
“Yes, my sweet girl,” she replies, and I feel her presence in the shadows beside me. I can only see her silhouette in the dark, but a wave of love washes over me. She reaches out a hand, and I try to reach back, but the restraints hold me in place.
My sobs break through the haze, and I realize what’s happening. “Nan, you… you’re not supposed to be here. You… you died.”
Her voice trembles with sadness, mirroring the tears in my eyes.
“I know, my love. I’m so sorry. I wanted to be there for you when you get out, to hold on for a little longer, but I couldn’t.
My body was too weak. But now, you’re the one who has to hold on for a few more days.
The lawyers nearly made it. Soon you’ll be out of here. ”
I can’t help but cry harder, my voice cracking as I plead, “I don’t know if I can, Nan. It’s so dark. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Or if I even want to get out of here if you’re not there anymore.”
Nan leans closer, whispering in my ear, “You can, Sloany. You’re stronger than you know. Remember everything I taught you. The light is there, just beyond the darkness. And I promise everything will be all right.”
I’m desperate, wanting to hold her, to feel her warm embrace one last time. “Please, Nan, don’t go. Stay with me.”
“I can’t stay, my dear. The light is calling me home, but I wanted to say goodbye, to tell you that I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”
Tears stream down my face as I watch her silhouette slowly step away into the darkness. “Please don’t go. I can’t do this without you.” A sob breaks out of me once more. “What am I even supposed to do when I get out and you’re not there anymore?”
What is there to hold onto and fight for when nothing awaits me outside this dark hole?
“Live our dream for the both of us. You make our road trip just as we planned it, Sloany. You know where to go, what to see. Live a little. Enjoy new places. Sell the house and go far from the people who wronged you. But don’t run away.
Explore what life still has ready for you.
And take me with you. Spread my ashes into the Atlantic. You know I always wanted to see it.”
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whimper out.
“Promise me that you will try, sweet girl.” Her voice is soft, but I know her well enough to know this isn’t a plea. It’s a command. Giving up on myself is not a possibility.
“Promise,” I swear, my voice breaking.
I would do everything for her, no matter what it does to me.
“I have no unfinished business, Sloany. Please don’t make me yours,” Nan whispers sadly.
She’s right.
So, I tell her the only thing that matters. “I love you.”
Nan’s voice fades like a distant lullaby. “I’m only a whisper away.”
I wake up with a gasp, my heart pounding in my chest, unable to shake the suffocating darkness of my dream. The room is shrouded in shadows, but a nightlight next to the bed casts a dim glow. I’m disoriented for a moment, struggling to separate the dream from reality.
Where am I?
My gasping startles Nash awake beside me. He blinks in the dim light, confusion in his eyes. “You okay?”
Right, I snuck my way into his room just a few hours ago, and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Nothing more.
I can’t remember the last time I fell asleep so easily.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I can’t stop them from spilling over. The remnants of the dream still cling to me, leaving me shaken. “She’s gone,” I whimper out.
Nan’s voice, so vivid and comforting in the dream, still echoes in my ears, but now it feels distant, like a memory slipping through my fingers.
Don’t leave me again.
Nash sits up, concern etched across his face. He reaches out to touch my trembling arm. “Sloan, it was just a dream. You’re safe.”
I shake my head, my voice quivering. “It wasn’t a dream. It was a memory. But she’s gone. She’s gone, and I’m alone again.”
I can feel the lump in my throat and the weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe.
Nash’s brow furrows, and he looks at me with compassion. “Who’s gone?”
I take a shuddering breath, trying to steady myself. “My Nan. She was there, talking to me, and now… now I’m awake, and she’s gone again.”
I feel myself drowning in grief for her. But that’s nothing new. Most days, I barely manage to keep my head above water.
Nash wraps his arm around me, stroking my back. “Do you know what it means when someone you love but lost visits you in your dream?”
I bury my face in my hands, overwhelmed by the emotions the dream has stirred up. My voice is shaky when I answer. “No.”
“It means they came to visit you, making sure that you’re okay.” He presses his lips against my temple, lingering for a second before leaning the side of his head against the top of mine.
That’s such a beautiful thought.
Dropping my hands, I try to compose myself, but it’s hard.
My lip is trembling, just like the rest of my body.
Nash grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger and turns my head to him, his gaze sad as he searches my eyes before leaning in to give me a quick peck on my lips.
“You’re not alone, Sloan. I’m here. I’ve got you.
” He strokes my cheek with his thumb, and I want to believe him so badly.
But I know better.
He’s here now. But where will he be tomorrow?
“Everyone says they’ll stay until they leave,” I whisper, thinking about Saylor again. Maybe he didn’t leave intentionally, but that doesn’t change the outcome.
At the end of the day, it’s just me.
Alone.
Nash wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. “I’m not everyone.”
I bury my face in his chest, tears soaking through his shirt. “I don’t know if I can do this, Nash. It’s so dark, and I feel so lost.”
He holds me tighter, his warmth and presence a lifeline in my darkness. “You can, Sloan. You’re strong. You drove here in a shitty van from the other side of the country by yourself. You’re a total badass. And you have people who care about you, including me.”
What else is he supposed to say right now? Because he can’t possibly mean that.
I’m breaking down on him like a crazy person in the middle of the night. I take a shaky breath, trying to calm my racing heart. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Nash leans down and presses a gentle kiss on my forehead.
“Don’t be sorry. Everything will be all right.
I’ve got you.” He leans back down and pulls me with him, arranging me so my head is on his chest and my thigh is over his waist while he strokes it over my leggings.
With his lips against my hair, he mutters, “Try to sleep. I’ll hold you all night. ”
I cling to him, desperately seeking solace in his embrace. The dream has left me shattered, but maybe, just maybe, I can navigate the darkness and find my way back to the light.
I know Nan would have wanted that for me.