Chapter 53 #2
“And Hunter, my dear Hunt.” Jessica’s lip trembles and she takes a few moments to gather her composure.
“I’m sorry for deserting you. I always told you to be patient, that it gets worse before it gets better.
I promised not to give up on you. But I couldn’t wait for it to get better or not give up on myself. ”
Hunter clenches his fists as I recite her words to him.
It’s obvious he’s struggling by the sheen in his eyes.
Then I continue, “She says there’s no way of telling you how thankful she is for you stepping in for Lio.
Knowing that Lio would be in good hands, even if she couldn’t be there, was the only light in her darkness.
You were her best friend, her light, for years.
While you were trying to find it inside you, she could always see it shining brightly. ”
Hunter sinks into a crouch, his fist pressed to his mouth, a pained noise breaking out of him as he says at the same time as Jessica, “My lighthouse.”
His gaze comes up to mine as he asks, “She can hear me?”
I nod and say, “She can.”
Hunter stands up straight again, tears streaming down his face.
“I’m so sorry, Jessie, none of this was your fault,” he whispers, his voice breaking.
“We should have been there for you. We should have known.” Hunter chokes back a sob.
“You were always so strong. We had no idea you were fighting this battle alone. I love you,” he says, his voice trembling. “I wish I could have saved you.”
“I was out of reach, but I’m so proud of you that you were able to save yourself.”
“She’s proud of you for saving yourself,” I recite, and Hunter nods, looking down at the floor.
“I love you, too,” she whispers.
“She loves you too.” And the complete and utter heartbreak I’ve been feeling since yesterday tells me I do too.
All of them.
You’re a fucking idiot, Sloan.
When I turn my gaze to North, he’s trembling, and I can see his hands shake on his sides. He looks like a deer in the headlights.
“North, West, East, or South…” Jessica singsongs sadly.
I frown at her but tell it to North the same way she just did. He gasps, sucking in a breath before he turns to put a hand on the wall, his other hand coming up over his mouth while he starts to sob and his shoulders shake.
Seeing him like this makes me itch to go over and comfort him, but I stay where I am, pushing my hands into my hoodie pocket to keep them from reaching out.
He turns again, tears streaming down his face, eyes red as he presses out, “Your name is the sweetest thing that leaves my mouth.”
It’s cheesy, sweet, and so unlike the North I got to know that my heart hurts even more, knowing that I’ll never have the chance to get to know this side of him.
“Jessie.” North whimpers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Please, tell him I’m the one who’s sorry. Tell him it wasn’t…” She starts to sob, not able to say the words. But she doesn’t need to. I can see it written on her face, feel them deep in my soul.
I turn to North, looking at him, feeling like everything I have in me is laid bare for him to see, opening myself to make sure he can believe and receive what he needs to hear.
“It was never your fault. Jessica had demons you didn’t know about, and you can’t fight things that you didn’t know existed. She’s sorry for shattering your world even more, for leaving you to pick up the pieces alone.”
I can practically see the storm raging in North as he battles with himself.
“Tell him I forgive him. Tell him he doesn’t have to tear himself up for the two years he wasn’t there.
He thinks he wasn’t a husband to me anymore, and that’s the truth.
Our marriage was over the day he decided work was the one to turn to for his grief and not me.
But we were friends long before we were husband and wife.
And I never stopped loving him, never stopped missing my friend.
I know he was struggling too. I know he was on the verge of giving up.
He’s just the stronger one of us. I was the first to break.
I’m sorry I left his shoulders even heavier. ”
As I recount what Jessica said, emotions play over North’s face, from anger to despair to grief. “I would have broken us both if I’d let myself keep you. Like this, I thought I’d only broken myself. Until…”
“Until you found me in that bathtub, swimming in my own blood. I was a coward, and in the end, I was the one breaking you. You were never the one to blame.”
“She says you were never the one to blame,” I whisper to him.
The silence that follows is only broken by some small coughs from Lio, prompting Jessica to go on and me to tell North word for word.
“I need you to stop cowering. To stop torturing yourself. I need you to leave this behind you. To let the guilt and allegations you shoot at yourself go. I need you to be a father to our son. He hasn’t got parents right now.
I can’t turn back time and give him a mother.
But you can change and give him a father.
Give him the North I fell in love with.”
North looks over at Lio, cheeks wet from his tears, nodding to himself, and I know I have him.
He received what he needed to hear.
All of them did.
Leaving Jessica only the unfinished business that lies in the bed between us.
“My sweet boy, I’m sorry for missing the opportunity to see you grow, to hold you close, and to be the mom you deserved.
But know, I will always be watching over you and never stop loving you. You have a mommy that loves you.”
Lio looks at me intently as I relay, making sure the love she’s conveying with her voice shines through mine as much as possible. Lio turns to his other side and whispers, “I love you too, Mommy.”
North sounds like he was just shot, gasping for breath and whimpering, when he turns with a pained expression, and Hunter reaches out to pull him to his chest, letting him sob into his shoulder.
He looks at Nash, tilting his chin to gesture him to step closer, which he does, so Hunter puts an arm around him too.
“I hope, with time, they can heal and find a way to forgive me,” Jessica tells me as we both watch the brothers stand there, holding each other.
“I don’t think there is anything left to forgive,” I tell her sympathetically.
Something grabs her attention from her other side, and she turns to look at it, her face lighting up. “Is that the light?” she asks me.
“I don’t know. You’re the only one who can see it. But if it feels right to step into it, it’s a sign that you should.”
“I can see my Mom,” Jessica whispers, awe in her voice as she turns again to me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you, Sloan. I’m sorry I called you a coward.”
I let out a watery laugh, pushing away my tears with the back of my hand. “It’s forgiven.”
“Please tell Tim and Tally that I love them and it’s not a goodbye. It’s a see you later. Tally’s in good hands. You’re not the worst step-in for me as her best friend.”
Emotions clog my throat while tears blur my vision, so I just nod, whispering, “Promise.”
A tingling sensation tugs at my heart, a feeling I never felt before, and when Jessica turns her head to the door with a watery smile, I follow her gaze. Saylor is standing next to the door, a pained expression on his face, and a lone tear is streaming down his cheek.
“Hey, Say,” Jessica whispers.
“Jess.” Saylor smiles sadly at her. “Save a spot for me, will you?”
“There’s always space for you where I am,” she promises.
Then she turns to look at me again, a smile on her face.
“Watch out for our Jones boys, will you?” She looks around one last time, her gaze lingering on Lio, before she turns and vanishes, leaving behind a room filled with tear-stained faces and aching hearts.
“Mommy’s gone, right?” Lio asks, and I squeeze his hand.
“She’s at peace,” I whisper, once more pushing away tears with the back of my hand. “But she’s your guardian angel now and only a whisper away if you need to talk to her.”
I lean down to push away his blond hair from his forehead before dropping a kiss on it.
My own goodbye.
“Sleep, buddy. You’ll be fine,” I whisper to him, and his eyes get droopy as he nods at me. “I love you.”
My heart breaks again, having to leave him because I have to leave them.
I let go of his hand and take a deep breath to gather my composure. When I lift my head, I find all four Jones brothers watching me.
Every one of them holding a piece of my heart.
A piece three of them shattered.
Each sob, every whispered word from Jessica, has etched itself into the fabric of my being.
I’ve absorbed their pain, their regrets, their unspoken apologies, and their silent screams into the marrow of my bones.
It’s a burden I bear willingly, but also the catalyst in a reaction that has broken something fundamental within me.
I’m willing to break my rules, myself, for them. And they couldn’t even listen to me.
I don’t know if it’s more heartbreak or anger that I feel.
The decision to leave isn’t sudden. It’s a realization that comes with a crushing finality. I can’t be the anchor when I’m already drowning, nor the lighthouse when my own light is flickering on the verge of being snuffed out.
I need to stand up for myself if I don’t want to drown in the shallow water.
If they loved me the way I love them, they would have never treated me like that. I’m not saying they needed to just believe, but what they should have done is given me the benefit of the doubt.
But they didn’t. They treated me like dirt and let me know everything I needed to know with their behavior.
They only confirmed what I knew all along.
Nobody wants to deal with my kind of crazy.
And when push comes to shove, I’m on my own.
As I step back from Lio’s bedside, I feel the pieces of my shattered self clinking together, a mosaic of who I was, who I am, and who I need to be now.
Their faces are etched with a raw, naked vulnerability that mirrors my own. We’re all stripped bare by Jessica’s parting, by the stark truths laid out in the open. But where they have each other, I have only myself.
And Saylor.
Who nods at me, giving me the courage to do what I’m about to do.
Tears blur my vision, each one a silent testament to the pain of goodbye, but I don’t let them fall.
There’s a thread of relief too—relief that I can finally let go, that I can finally breathe without the weight of all the secrets, the weight of all the hiding in front of the men I wanted to trust myself with.
Having the sword of Damocles not hanging over my head all the time anymore because it came down full force, parting me from them, shattering me, is a relief, even if it’s a painful one.
Walking away is the only act of self-preservation I have left. It’s a silent scream into the void, a declaration that I, too, am hurting, that I, too, need to heal.
It’s time for me to face my own demons, to heal my own wounds, and to learn to live for myself once more.
They proved that they’re not gonna help me with that.
So I stride past the men who have found their way into my heart over the last few weeks. Past the man who saved me over and over again, the one who made me feel less lonely, and the one who challenged me and pulled me out of my numb hole.
I don’t even look their way, my eyes focused on Saylor as I walk up to him and open the door of the hospital room, stepping out into the sterile hallway.
The door doesn’t even fall shut before I hear them push out of the room too, all three of them calling after me.
“Siren, wait!”
“Shortcake, please!”
“Blue!”
I don’t even turn or slow my brisk walk as Saylor and I make our way toward the exit, only putting up my finger and flipping them off over my shoulder.
“The crazy one is done with you.”