Chapter 1
ONE
The air is crisp and heavy as I make my painfully slow way over the parking lot to my van. I can’t seem to muster the energy to walk any faster, although every fiber of my being screams at me to flee faster from the wreckage I just caused and the men I just left behind.
“Shortcake!” The desperation in Hunter’s voice claws at my back, but I don’t stop, trying hard to outpace my crumbling composure. I’m on the cusp of breaking, the tears threatening to breach the dam of my eyelids at any second.
I need to get to my van and drive far away to somewhere I can let the facade crumble, a safe place to fall apart.
“Sloan, for fuck’s sake, stop!” Hunter’s plea is raw. “You know I can’t keep up with this damn leg.” His voice is strained, and he’s panting as he tries to catch up.
“Just walk. You don’t owe him nothing,” Saylor urges, but I pause and turn to face Hunter.
Better to set the boundaries right now.
He attempts to close the distance, but I raise a hand, signaling him to stay where he is.
Letting him come near me is dangerous, even though I want nothing more than to jump in his arms and let him soothe me.
“Sloan, please, I need you to talk to me,” he demands, his face twisted with guilt and desperation.
“No,” I retort, my voice steady, although I’m shaking with emotion.
“You don’t get to demand anything from me.
I expected nothing less from North. Nash will do whatever his thundercunt of a big brother wants because he needs to be part of your bond so badly.
But you…” I pause, feeling the tears I wanted to keep in spill down my cheeks, and my voice breaks as I finish, “… you promised.”
And I believed you.
Every single word.
“Sloan…” His voice falters, his eyes glistening with tears.
“I hope you have a wonderful life, Hunter. I really do. You deserve it. But I won’t be a part of it,” I whisper, my voice barely audible. I don’t dare speak up, or my words will come out as sobs.
I turn away, not risking another moment, and resume my walk to the van.
The absence of footsteps behind me confirms he isn’t following.
It feels like another dagger piercing my already shattered heart, even though a part of me knows it’s foolish to hope he would still chase after me when, deep down, I don’t even want him to.
The dream is over.
The inevitable happened.
Just a few more minutes, then I can fall apart.
I yank open the driver’s door, quickly climb in and slam it shut behind me. Gripping the steering wheel tightly, I lean forward to turn the key in the ignition, my breaths coming in ragged gasps.
Please don’t let me down now, Van-essa.
I press my foot on the accelerator, and the van lurches forward with a screech from its tires, even though it’s not moving quickly. As I merge onto the road, a whimper escapes my lips.
It’s over.
“Boo.” Saylor’s sad voice comes from the passenger seat.
I’m so consumed with the effort to keep myself together enough to drive that he didn’t even startle me when he just appeared. He reaches out, gently brushing my upper arm, and tingles spread over my skin.
His touch wreaks havoc on my self-control, and I fall apart, starting to sob.
“Slo, pull over,” Saylor urges, concern evident in his tone.
The road stretches emptily before me, flanked by trees on either side.
I wouldn’t hurt anyone but myself if I crashed into one of them.
“Sloan!” Saylor’s voice rises in panic.
I shake my head, trying to dispel the dark thought that just came out of nowhere, and pull over to the side of the road. Turning off the engine, I finally break down, drawing my feet onto the seat. I wrap my arms around my knees, burying my face in them as my body convulses with sobs.
What did I do?
Why did I let them in?
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to return to how it was before I met them.
If that’s even a thing. There was before them, and now, there’s after them.
And the after is much worse.
“It’ll be okay,” Saylor reassures me, though his voice is laced with pain.
“These idiots just realized their mistake. They know they’ve lost something precious now, and even those asshats aren’t foolish enough to let you go so easily.
” He turns to look out the window and mutters, “Even if they should leave you the fuck alone after that shit show.”
Alone. Maybe it’s better like this.
“I’m done, Saylor. Fucking done. The moment people see the real me, they leave. I’m just… weird. I should just stay alone. That way, I won’t scare anyone off, and no one can hurt me in return. I’m so done hurting.”
So done.
“You have no idea how much I hate it that I can’t pull you into my lap and hug you right now,” Saylor whispers, his voice thick with emotion. A comforting feeling spreads on my back as if he’s stroking it. “You’ll never be alone again, Slo. I swear. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But that’s not true either. Don’t lie to me.
You left me for ten days. You could leave now.
You wouldn’t mean to, but it is still going to happen.
” He flinches, and I can feel the pain radiating from him at my words, so I quickly apologize.
“I’m sorry. That’s unfair. You have been the only constant, and I know you don’t have any control over when you leave and come back. ”
Sitting up, I turn to face him. His sorrowful ocean eyes locked onto mine.
This is not fair to him. All I’m doing is pulling him down with me while he deserves so much more.
“You need to finally move on, Saylor. It’s not okay to keep you here. Heaven is waiting for you.” I try to sound convincing, but my voice breaks.
Losing him would be the final stab. But I just saw how much joy and peace stepping into the light brought Jessica.
Can I really keep him from that?
Just because I can’t be alone?
Just because I love him?
Saylor reaches out, his hand cradling my cheek. I think he’s trying to wipe away a tear with his thumb, but it just intensifies the tingling sensation.
“I choose you,” he murmurs. “Given the choice between Heaven and an eternity like this, with you by my side, I’d choose you every time. You are my heaven.” His gaze softens, and he looks at my lips for a second before he leans in to kiss me.
At first, I’m frozen, unsure how to respond to a ghost kissing me. But it’s not just a ghost. It’s Saylor.
My Saylor.
I close my eyes and kiss him back. My poor, beaten heart jolts back to life, pounding so hard it feels like it might burst from my chest. His other hand rises, cradling my face between his palms. All I can feel is the overwhelming sensation of tingles everywhere, especially the fluttering storm in my stomach.
He pulls back slightly, resting our foreheads together, and I take a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m yours, Slo. I might not be much now, but everything I am… it’s all yours. I’ve been yours since the moment you hit me with that spatula.”
A tearful laugh escapes me, and he gently kisses my birthmark before bringing his cheek to mine.
“We keep each other, and everything will be all right,” he whispers.
I hope he’s right because it feels like nothing will ever be okay again.