Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
The front door falls shut behind Sloan, leaving a heavy silence that blankets our living room.
I turn on the couch to face North and Nash, who exchange nervous glances. Sloan’s outburst echoes in my mind as we remain frozen in place. The truth she just laid bare is both shocking and painful.
She was in a mental institution, locked away because she wanted to help someone. She wanted to help people, and we thought she was out for money or crazy, even, and let her down when she needed us most.
Before I can address any of this, North’s voice cuts through the tense air, “We’re even bigger assholes than we thought we were.”
Nash speaks up, his eyes holding a glassy sheen. “Fuck, this explains why she needs the lights and music to sleep,” he mutters under his breath.
My mind races, recalling the time she had a panic attack while locked in the maintenance hatch. She clung to me, trembling and gasping for breath, her eyes wide with terror. I thought she had panicked from getting closed in, not that darkness was a trigger.
Tally’s voice echoes in my mind. “You called her crazy. Which, by the way, is a trigger for her.”
Oh my God.
“She went through hell.” North’s voice trembles with a mix of anger and sorrow. “And we… I doubted her.”
Nash clenches his fists, frustration etched on his face.
“You called her a gold-digging, moralless, crazy whore, North. We treated her like shit. We let her down. We’re not one bit better than the people who locked her away.
She just wanted to help. She broke her rules for us, and we fucking turned on her. ”
I can’t deny it, and my throat constricts with emotion as I recall how we treated her.
How I treated her. We were wrong, so fucking wrong, and we let our prejudices cloud our judgment.
We should have been there for her, believed her.
Fuck, I was in love with her and trusted her with my secrets, my insecurities, with Lio, and with me.
I would have given her everything except the benefit of the doubt.
Idiot.
Fucking idiot. Treating her like she betrayed my trust. And still…
“And she still helped Jessie and Lio after that,” I whisper.
“We have to make this right,” North announces, determination burning in his eyes.
“And we have to fucking make sure she’s safe.
We owe her that much. Have you seen how she fell apart in front of us?
And the only thing that helped was being held?
She’s lonely, hurt, and afraid. Her tough face is just a facade. She needs all of us to fix this.”
Nash nods in agreement, his anger now replaced by sadness. “She’s been through more than any of us can imagine. We have to show her that we’re truly here for her.”
I feel a lump in my throat as I add, “And we can’t let her down again. We need to prove we’ve changed.”
“Which is such an easy task,” Nash chimes in sarcastically.
“It could be,” North argues, looking at nothing, but his eyes are searching like he’s thinking hard about something. “Okay, forget every man for himself. This isn’t working. Or is it for any of you?”
Nash shakes his head, and I follow suit.
It hasn’t worked at all.
“We have to work together to get her back, help each other change, and be better for her. She makes me want to be better, and I guess the same goes for you two?” Both of us nod again.
“Okay, then we should sit down, make a plan, and think about what must be done to show her how much we care to make her believe.”
“North,” Nash starts, tilting his head. “Listen, man, I’m all for that idea because God knows I need some help, but what is the goal here?”
“Did you listen to him?” I ask, feeling irritated. “The goal is for her to see that we changed, that we care, that she’s not alone anymore.”
“Yes, but then, what? Is the goal for us all to be her friends?”
“Fuck no,” comes from North and me at the same time, and we exchange a glance.
Fuck, Nash has a fucking point.
“See? We should figure out our shit first before we fuck up even more.” Nash nods.
“She said she was falling for all of us,” I mumble, letting my hand glide over the couch to ground me, but it’s nothing like Sloan’s silken hair.
“But does that mean she wants to be with all of us? Did she say so?” North asks, and when I look up at him again, he’s cocking a brow at me.
“Not directly, but it was pretty much implied.” I shrug. “I told her she was good for all of us, that she already changed so much in us, and she was afraid to hurt us because she couldn’t choose.”
Right before I fucked her.
Asshole.
“Would she need to, though?” Nash asks. “Would it hurt you guys if she was with all of us? I can only speak for myself, and I’ve never had a relationship, so it may be easier for me since I won’t compare it to what it’s supposed to be,” he says the last part with distaste in his tone.
“Maybe I’m strange, but I would absolutely be willing to share her if that meant I could have her. ”
“What happened with being pissed at me for sleeping with your girl?” I question, unconvinced he’s that easygoing about this.
“Sorry that I needed some time to get used to the thought.” There is more than a little sarcasm in his tone. “I mean, you’re my brothers, and we’re hanging around each other all the fucking time. It’s not like things would change much. She would just join in.”
“Join in? Boy, you’ve no idea, and it shows.” North mocks, shaking his head.
And again, North acts like he’s better than the rest of us.
Which is one of the reasons we’re in this mess.
“Stop fucking treating him like he’s five. He’s not Lio, for fuck’s sake.” My voice rises, and I stand. Nash looks at me with wide eyes, and I feel a pang of hurt in my chest.
Fuck, we’re treating him like that all the time, aren’t we?
“I’m not,” North hisses out, but Nash just shrugs.
“You are, both of you,”
That stung. But he’s probably right. I never thought about it.
“Well, okay, if you feel like that, I’m sorry. I—” North starts, but Nash makes a buzzer noise.
“Bzzzt… every apology that has an if or a but in it isn’t a real apology.” I glance at North and then back at Nash, who continues, “Pretty girl told me that, so let’s practice on each other before we head out to apologize some more to her so we have less chance of fucking it up again.”
North nods and is quiet for a few moments before he starts again.
“I’m sorry. I treated you like you weren’t an equal, and that was wrong of me because you are an equal, and I appreciate your opinion.
” Nash and I stare at North. Nash’s mouth even pops open a bit.
“What? What did I say wrong this time?” North looks at us, confused.
Nash steps forward and pulls North into a hug, slapping his back. “Nothing, man, absolutely nothing.”
I smirk at North, who looks at me over Nash’s shoulder, bewildered, before finally raising a hand and placing it on Nash’s back, hugging him back.
“Okay, so now we have that covered,” North murmurs, gently pushing Nash away from him. “Back to the topic. It wouldn’t be just her joining in. It would be her having a relationship with all of us. She would be our girlfriend. Can you imagine what people would say?”
Nash lets his head fall back. “Of course, that’s what fucking bothers you.”
I chuckle slightly. It really isn’t a surprise.
“I’m sorry I’m the only one who thinks about our reputation! We live in a fucking town where everybody knows everybody, and we’re going to be what everyone will be gossiping about for months, if not years.”
“And?” Nash challenges. “They gossip about us anyway. Let’s be honest. In this godforsaken town, we’re royalty and the ones who fuel the gossip.
Why don’t we give them something new to talk about?
Me being a whore and you guys’ accident is surely getting boring to bitch about after all these years. ”
“How can you be so unfazed about this?” North asks him, honestly curious, it seems.
“Because it doesn’t change shit, does it? If they talk about me or not, if they like me or not? What does it change? Not one of them would tell us shit to our faces since we’re the ones they depend on. We’re where their money and jobs come from. Do you really think anyone would be hostile to us?”
“No, but maybe Lio? Children can be cruel,” I chime in, not wanting him to get bullied for stuff we decide.
“They could try,” Nash challenges. “Uncle Nash will visit them if they think they can talk my favorite nephew down.”
“Are you threatening five-year-olds?” I ask Nash, amusement evident in my tone.
He just shrugs. “I’m gonna do what I have to.”
“Okay, so fuck the consequences, fuck the townspeople, but what about Mom and Dad?” North presses. “Do you not give a fuck about their opinion too?”
“Of course not, dickhead.” Nash crosses his arms over his chest. “But I know they will be fine with however we want to live our lives. They’re just happy we are living, especially you guys.”
I bite my lip, furrowing my brows, looking to North. “He’s right again. We should listen more often to the dumbass.”
Nash chuckles, and North shakes his head with a smirk. “Fine, so fuck everyone. But that brings me to the second point. She would have sex with each of us.”
That makes my hackles rise. “Only us,” I grit out.
I would go feral if any guy other than those two were involved.
“Not a problem for me.” Nash shrugs. “As long as you guys keep your hands on your own dicks.”
“Wait,” I chime in, holding up my hands. “I may overlook that she will be intimate with you guys, but I will not be in the room when it happens.”
“Spoilsport,” Nash mutters.
North barks out a laugh. “Fuck, okay, I think I can live with this if I don’t have to see your dick too. I saw it enough while I helped Mom change your diapers.”
Nash grabs a pillow and throws it at North. “We get it. You’re ten years older and so much better. Shut up.”
I shake my head, looking at the ceiling before my gaze returns to them, my brothers. “So we’re going to do this? For real? We’re going to be with her? All of us?”
“Slow down, brother-husband,” Nash jokes, and North smiles, looking down at his feet.
I haven’t seen that guy smile so much in ages.
“Before we can jump feet first into this little adventure, we have to convince her to forgive us.”
Right.
Time to prove that we’re not total fuckups.
I am restless.
Trapped in a cycle of replaying last night and this morning while I lay awake in the van.
Telling the guys has my thoughts whirling out of control, but worse than that, every time I close my eyes, I see Adam’s grin and feel his grip on my arms. It’s suffocating.
Just another thing to have nightmares about.
Yay.
The fairy lights cast the usual glow, and the radio is humming in the background, but I cannot make the memories stop. My heart races, and my breath comes in shallow gasps, a panic attack rising from deep inside me.
Without Saylor here to distract and ground me, I’m spiraling. Desperate for the smallest solace, I reach for Nash’s crumpled hoodie, hoping his scent will help. I pull it on and bury my face in the fabric, attempting to steady my breathing.
His smell is so familiar and comforting that my heartbeat slows, and the tears that were brimming in my eyes no longer threaten to spill. The fact that his scent can do that is something I can’t focus on right now.
I lay back down, my hands on my stomach, counting my breaths, when something crackles under my fingers.
I reach into the hoodie pocket and pull out a folded piece of paper.
Opening it, I see it’s another poem. Despite knowing better, I start to read, and it’s just the distraction I need right now.
But before I can finish, there’s a knock on the side of the van, making me jump.
Hastily, I put the note in a drawer under the bed.
I look at the radio to see that it’s after midnight.
Adam wouldn’t come here to look for me, right?
There is another knock.
“Who’s there?” I ask, my voice trembling, while I reach for my phone.
But who would I call anyway?
A voice from outside replies, “Open up for me, pretty girl.”
Relief washes over me, and I put the phone back down.
It’s just Nash.
Fuck—it’s Nash.
I hesitate for a moment, taking a deep breath, before getting up and reluctantly sliding open the door. Nash stands there, looking disheveled and concerned.
“Nash,” I start, but he pushes his way inside and closes the door behind him. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Nash grins when he looks down to see me wearing his hoodie, obviously pleased. Then his eyes find mine, and his expression grows serious as he sees my still-watery eyes. He surprises me by pulling me into a tight hug, and I try to push him away, but he whispers, “Get in bed.”
Is he fucking serious?
“Nash,” I protest. “What are you thinking? I’m not going to have sex with you.”
He nods in agreement, his eyes again locked onto mine when he leans back. “You’re not, but I need to hold you, and you need to be held. Get in bed.”
When I don’t move, he gently picks me up and places me in the bed before sliding in close beside me, pulling the covers over both of us.
“Fuck, it’s cold in here.” He shivers as one arm slides under my neck and the other over my stomach, squeezing my back to his chest. “You need one of those heat blankets or something.”
“What I need is a heater,” I mumble. “And to know why you’re doing this.”
Being held like this? It feels like all my frayed nerves are calming down. Like I can finally calm down.
Because he is here.
He stays silent, just drawing patterns on my stomach over the hoodie, so I ask again, my voice soft this time. “Why are you here?”
“You had a pretty rough night yesterday,” Nash replies, his breath warm against my ear. “If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be alone.”
I hate to be alone, I’m glad he is here. But I’m not ready to just give in, so what comes out of my mouth is, “I’m absolutely capable of being alone.”
Nash hums into my hair before he murmurs, “Then be alone with me because I don’t want to be alone after that. I can’t get the image of him dragging you out of that bar out of my head and what would have happened if we hadn’t been there.”
I swallow hard, my eyes misting up. Reaching down to put my hand over his bruised knuckles, I whisper, “I… thank you for being there.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he whispers back, his lips pressing a soft kiss on the top of my head. “You have to let me hold you. Help me sleep by being in my arms so I know you’re safe.”
“Okay,” I whisper and feel a warm tear roll down my cheek as I nuzzle closer to him, letting his presence and comfort wash over me.
He buries his face in my neck.
Perfect fucking fit.
And finally, the world goes quiet.