Chapter 20 #2
“Yes, he likes all the superhero movies, but Spider-Man is his favorite. All of them. Uncle Nash’s favorites are Disney movies, and Uncle Hunt’s is Charlie Brown.”
I just got so much unasked-for information that I have to take a minute to process what I just learned. Nash liking Disney movies is nothing new. We watched Charlie Brown with Hunter once, so that’s no surprise either. But North’s favorite being Spider-Man, calling me that?
“And your favorite?” I ask again, trying to get my thoughts back on topic.
“Finding Nemo.” He smiles. “Can we watch that one?”
I smile back, happy to do whatever. “Sure, let’s tidy up here first.”
We wash the dishes, and afterward, we move to the living room, where I try to figure out how the television works.
Nan and I had an old one with Blu-rays, but this one is a smart television with a streaming service.
Lio is a pro and quickly grabs the remote from me when he notices I’m lost, setting up the movie for us.
I glance at my phone to check the time, and a text from Hunter just popped up.
Hunter
On our way back, everything all right?
Maybe I should have texted to let them know Lio’s fine.
Oh well.
Lio is still telling me about how cool Finding Nemo is and how the turtles are his favorite, so I text back quickly.
We’re at your place, had some grilled cheese sandwiches and are now watching Nemo. Hope that’s fine.
I want to put my phone away, but his next text comes fast.
Happy you guys are having fun, can’t wait to see you soon.
The flutter in my chest I get from reading that text is something I don’t want to think about, so I just put the phone down on the couch and get up to grab some blankets from where they’re stacked next to the couch.
Settling back down, I pull a soft blanket over us.
The quiet rhythm of Lio’s breathing as he snuggles closer brings a serene end to the whirlwind of the evening.
Maybe ten minutes into the movie, Lio yawns, exhaustion finally catching up to him.
He’s out like a light within minutes with a contented smile on his face.
As the movie plays on, the warmth of the room and the soft glow of the television screen create a peaceful atmosphere, and it feels like…
… home.
Fuck.
Turmoil starts brewing inside me. My gaze drifts from the colorful underwater world to Lio’s peaceful face, and I’m struck with a bitter realization.
This moment, as perfect as it feels, isn’t mine to keep.
The life I’ve yearned for, the home I’ve dreamed of—it’s all right here, but it’s not for me.
The flickering light from the screen illuminates our little makeshift cocoon, casting long shadows on the living room walls that seem to hold so much of what I thought I wanted.
I shouldn’t be here.
I missed Lio so much that I thought spending an evening with him in my van would be okay, but look where it brought me.
Right back to the home they kicked me out of.
It’s a painful acknowledgment and one that tightens its grip around my heart with every passing second.
This can’t happen again.
This has to be the end of it.
With a heavy heart, I make a silent promise to myself and the sleeping child beside me. Tomorrow, I’ll start letting go of the kid who has slithered his way into my heart.
For both our sakes.
It’s not fair of me to let Lio think I’ll be there for him when I can’t be.
I think about scooping him up in my arms and carrying him to his bed, but it’s so damn cozy right now, so I just relax back and stroke his head while I continue to watch the movie, feeling how exhausted I am as well.
I just want to enjoy this a little while longer.
Sometime later, I hear a whispered chuckle, but my eyelids are too heavy to open. I must have dozed off.
“They’re out.”
“Fuck, that’s precious. Take a picture.”
“You take him, I’ll take her.”
I stir as I feel myself being lifted out of my warm cocoon, but soon, spices fill my nose, and I let myself drift into dizziness once more, knowing I’m safe. I’m laid down again, but it feels softer, chilly this time, with no warmth from the cocoon I left.
“No,” I whisper when the arms that hold me try to slide away from under me.
“Sleep, Blue,” comes a hushed voice. “You’re safe. Just go back to sleep.”
Reaching out with still-closed eyes, I grip the fabric close to where the voice comes from.
“Stay?” I know I shouldn’t ask any of them for anything, especially him, but it’s cold, and I’m so tired.
I feel alone, and I don’t want to be. I don’t want the memories to come rushing back. I want to be warm and...
North freezes after I make my plea, hesitating. “Fuck,” he whispers, and I’m sure he’ll leave me alone. But then the mattress dips and the covers rustle when he slides in next to me, pulling me close to him, my cheek on his chest, my head tucked in under his chin. His heart is beating frantically.
His warmth and smell envelop me, and my whole body relaxes.
Safe.
He kisses my head and whispers in my hair, “Please remember that you asked me to be here when you wake up. I’d rather not get strangled in my sleep.”