Chapter 5 Soul
Soul
I’d never been hugged before—I’d never needed comfort.
My brothers and I stayed close to one another because we were a pack, family…
but staying close wasn’t the same thing as whatever this was.
Caiden stood above me and ran his fingers through my hair, murmuring in that soft voice how we were going to get through this, how he’d help me figure this out.
I’d come here to kill him—to unmake him—and he was promising to get me back to the form that would let me do just that.
Was there such a thing as a being too pure to rip apart?
Usually when I came for wayward souls, they were already half Enmity, or they’d lost their way and run from a Reaper.
They were already broken by the time my teeth set into them, and it was almost a mercy to rip them to shreds so they could find their way back to the Lake to be repurposed. They weren’t sweet, offering comfort.
They weren’t good.
It had never been like this before. I’d never…
Questioned things.
I was reluctant to lift my head from his shoulder—the scent of flowers and fallen leaves on his skin stilled the panic running through me.
The feel of his fingers threading through my hair made my heartbeat slow until my breath was coming in even, steady draws that brought the sweetness of him deeper until it felt like he was filling my lungs.
“What are we supposed to do?” The question sounded so raw, so confused… and I realized as he continued to stroke his fingers through my hair that this was all I’d ever been.
I followed instructions. I was a good attack dog… and somehow, apparently, he’d picked up my leash. I didn’t know him—he wasn’t my Master.
And none of that mattered as he let out a soft sigh and pressed his cheek to the top of my head.
“I honestly have no idea. I’ve been wandering around trying to figure that out myself.
But…” Caiden rubbed his chin back and forth across the top of my head for just a second before he finally pushed back.
It forced me to lift my gaze and look up at him through my hair.
“I think as long as we stick together, we’re going to be able to figure it out, don’t you? ”
No. It made no sense. There was no logic in that statement, because I didn’t know him. He didn’t know me. I was supposed to kill him.
“I do.”
My tongue wasn’t working. Maybe human vocal cords made me incapable of speaking properly.
Or maybe that violet line I could see drawn between us was somehow controlling the way the air left my lungs, shaping words I didn’t mean to say to feed back to the atmosphere.
Whatever it was, I wasn’t taking the statement back now that I’d let it out any more than I was trying to scramble away from him.
I’d tried once, and…
I didn’t want to do it again.
As long as I was stuck in this form, having someone who’d at least navigated this world once upon a time was probably better than having no one at all.
It definitely had nothing to do with the way I could still feel the phantom touch of his fingers running through my hair, or the line of his body pressed against mine even though he’d put space between us.
Maybe there was a possibility that if I went far enough away from him, that line between us would snap.
But what if it didn’t?
What if it did something to me and I could never change back?
The thought of being stuck, slowly settling more and more into this human shape, was terrifying… but at the same time, there was nothing I could do.
So it was better to do it with someone else instead of trying alone. It was better to be with Caiden…
It was only after I’d made that little admission that I realized I could have at least lied to myself and said I was doing it so I could keep my prey close until I was actually capable of completing my hunt.
That would have at least granted me some sense of duty…
But I’d never actually been good at lying to myself—I’d never had the need. There was no reason to start now, was there? Lies were for humans and creatures that lived in the mortal world.
Sometimes it was probably easier being what I was, because it was simple to let go of logical thought and give myself over to instinct.
And my instincts were telling me that no matter what else happened, I wanted to be here.
Well… maybe not here. If Death was going to send my brothers to look for me, this would be the first place they’d search.
I didn’t want them to see me like this.
I didn’t want them to know that I was… changed.
“We should move.” The suggestion came out calmer than I was feeling. Now that the thought was in my head, I could barely think around it—my brothers coming here and finding us both, dragging us back to the Lake.
Death seeing that I was trapped in a form he’d never given me.
What would he do? What if the only way to return me to what I was meant to be was to unmake me?
If that happened… would I be the same when I was put back together? I’d never given much thought to my existence, to the fact that it was something that truly mattered to me. I had a purpose, I had a pack. I’d been content to be what I was…
But now…
Now…
“Hey.” Caiden’s voice cut through the panic trying to score its way across my mind. It was this damn human form, these human emotions.
I didn’t know how to control them, how to regulate. How to be this. And I didn’t know why the feel of his hand gently coming out to take my own was enough to force air into my lungs.
I guess I didn’t have to know, as long as I could breathe.
“I’m fine.” The answer came out clipped, and when Caiden’s expression fell, I closed the distance between us without thinking, pressing myself against him until the heat of his body was a steady warmth at my side. “I don’t know what I’m doing either. But I do know we really need to move.”
Blue eyes searched mine for a moment, like Caiden was trying to reach inside me to figure out what I was thinking. Finally, he nodded. “Okay. We can just go until we find somewhere that feels good. When I was alive, there were empty houses all over the city. I’m sure we can find somewhere to stay.”
Somewhere to stay. Somewhere to go.
I’d never tried to go further than the distance it took for Death to call me home. And now…
Well, having a plan to stay away from Death and actually doing it were two different things.
I knew he couldn’t come up and simply drag me home, though I could almost feel him calling to me from the black leather collar around my neck.
It wasn’t something I wore out of ownership, but something that kept me connected to my Master, to my brothers.
Which was why it felt so odd to take it off now.
I didn’t throw it away. Instead, I carefully folded the soft material and tucked it beneath a tree, covering it with the vines of the blue flowers that had led me here to begin with.
The mortal weather couldn’t hurt it, and to humans it would look like nothing more than wisps of smoke.
I would come back for it once we figured all this out.
It felt strange to leave it there. My fingers instantly came to my throat, tracing the bare skin.
“Are you okay?” Caiden’s question was so soft, his voice like a siren call that drew me away from the collar and back toward him. If I had it on, it would be too easy to find me.
If I was trying to figure this out, I couldn’t let that happen.
Still, my gaze darted back to the collar one more time, until the feel of his warm touch gently brushing against the back of my hand drew words from my chest that had been caught behind my ribs.
“I’ve never taken it off before.”
Caiden’s fingers were careful when they slipped through mine, and I didn’t push him away when he gently tugged me toward him. “We’ll come back for it once we figure this out, okay?”
Come back for it? It’s like he still wasn’t admitting that if we figured this out, if I figured out a way to get back to my proper form, I had a job to do. Either that or he felt the same odd sensation I did—that I had from the moment I’d seen him.
Tethered.
I knew enough to know there were bonds in this world that people couldn’t control, connections that couldn’t be explained. I’d seen the little ribbons of red, trailing between the souls in the Lake, keeping them together until they both came from the water to be reborn at the same time.
I’d seen it.
I knew it could happen.
But I wasn’t a human. I wasn’t a lost soul.
Whatever this was, it was different. It had to be different. Besides, the line between us was violet.
“Come on…” I shook my head like it could rid me of my thoughts, of the confusion trying to swallow me up.
My eyes flicked to the strip of leather one more time, and my free fingers drifted up to brush my bare neck again.
The odd sensation of my missing collar was tempered by the warmth of Caiden’s fingers in mine as he gave them a squeeze.
“Okay. We’ll go.” And like he could tell that I needed it, he pulled me toward the road, leading me away from everything I knew, everything that had made up what I’d been for as long as I could remember. I followed him like I couldn’t help myself, like I had no choice.
I followed him because somewhere in the center of my chest where that blue petal had settled, I knew it was the only thing I could do.