Chapter 6
Caiden
This wasn’t what I thought it would be—then again, nothing about dying had been what I’d thought it would be. I’d assumed the pain would stop, that I’d just… move on. Sephtis had made it seem so tranquil. His presence and the calm he’d exuded seemed to promise the peace I’d been longing for.
But this wasn’t exactly peace—it wasn’t rest. It wasn’t any kind of afterlife that I’d ever imagined.
I walked hand in hand down the streets where I grew up with a man who towered over me… and who wasn’t a man at all. I walked down the streets where I grew up with Death’s pet, sent to kill me, or drag me back to the Lake…
And somehow I felt more at peace than I had when Sephtis took my hand and promised me rest.
“I’m not sure how far away from the cemetery you want to go.”
I probably should have asked that before I’d started idly leading us down the street, but when Soul turned to look at me with those wide, confused eyes…
I knew he didn’t have any more answers than I did.
The way he kept darting his gaze in my direction told me he needed someone to lead him, and I was willing to do it even if I didn’t know where we were going.
Besides… he was holding my hand too. Whatever was going on between us, I had to think he could feel it.
The soft growl of his voice was soothing over the sound of cars in the distance, though the sun had set a while ago and traffic had slowed.
We were away from the main road, walking down a little row of houses that looked like they were under development.
“I don’t know how far we need to move to be safe.
Are you…” His head tilted. “Can you get tired?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him no, that I’d spent so much of my life being tired, but since I’d taken Sephtis’s hand, I hadn’t felt things the same.
But…
I realized I was, as if everything that had happened from the moment I’d met the Reaper in that field of red flowers until now had finally caught up with me like some physical weight that was slowly dragging me down, making my footsteps sluggish.
“I guess so.” He arched a brow at the surprise in my voice, and I shrugged, looking around us.
There were no lights on in any of the houses, so I’d probably led us in the right direction by accident.
“I honestly thought after I’d died that I wouldn’t feel tired anymore.
I spent a lot of my life wondering if I’d ever feel anything else, if we’re being honest. For a while, tired was the only thing there was. ”
It felt odd, being able to talk about what I’d gone through…
odder still when Soul stepped closer, pressing our joined hands between our bodies so my side was plastered against the warmth of his.
“Is being human always so… difficult?” I wasn’t sure if he was just talking about my situation, or if he meant the fact that he was trapped in human form now.
I wasn’t sure what he was feeling—how hard this probably was for him.
“I mean, I guess anything worth feeling, anything worth having, is hard sometimes, right?”
He snorted again, like my fortune-cookie answer was as unsatisfying to him as it was to me.
I’d never fought to have something for myself—not after I realized there was nothing in the world I’d get to keep.
“I’ve never understood why humans fight against Death.
It’s peaceful in his realm… the Lake is a place to let go.
You make living sound so… hard.” Soul was still staring at me, and even though he sounded so sure of what he was saying, I could see the way he was just a little afraid, just a little worried that he was going to be inflicted with the threat of living.
“It’s not that easy. Living is complicated, but it can also be beautiful.
There’s possibility and hope for most people.
” I didn’t exactly feel bitter when I said it, but it still stung.
“Knowing I was going to die meant I had to find a different meaning… and that was my brother. Once he found Sephtis and I could finally let go, I didn’t know what to do.
That was all I’d ever wanted. I didn’t crawl out of that Lake with any reason in mind.
I wasn’t trying to fight Death. I told you I felt… ”
I could be your tether.
There was no way that the reason the listlessness in my chest had suddenly disappeared was because he was holding my hand. It was probably because I’d found someone else to help, someone else to take care of.
It had made me feel better when I was sick, knowing I could be strong for Cole. It gave me a reason to hold on, even when I’d been so tired I would rather have given up.
It was the only thing I knew. So if I was finding peace, purpose… if he was tethering me, it was because he was letting me do that again.
It couldn’t be because his hand was so warm, and the press of his body against mine completely chased away the lingering memory of how cold the water in the Lake had been.
“Hm,” he snorted, blissfully giving me something to concentrate on other than the fact that I was just as confused as he was. “I’ve taken so many souls to the Lake, torn apart the ones that let the poison of fear and hate corrupt them. Living never seemed that good to me.”
“I don’t know.” I lifted my eyes to the sky.
Even here with the low streetlights, even though the city in the distance made it hard to see the stars…
the sky was still beautiful. The moon was nearly full, and I could smell the chill of dying leaves and the promise of colder weather.
“I guess living is complicated, and there are a thousand reasons to think it’s too hard…
but there are things that are good too.”
Things I’d never really had a chance to enjoy. I’d spent more time in hospitals than out of them, it felt like. When you were surrounded by white walls and beeping machines, you didn’t really have time to appreciate the soft glow of the moon.
I’d never walked hand in hand with someone under the stars.
The sudden thought made my chest constrict, made my face feel hot.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I—” He ducked before I had a chance to make something up, crouching down so he could press his face to the curve of my neck.
It wasn’t a human movement—the warmth of his breath as he huffed against my skin before I felt the heat of his tongue slide out, slicking along my pulse, wasn’t human at all.
“Liar.”
Fucking hell, could he taste it?
“I…” Apparently he liked how my lies tasted, because his tongue ran a slow line up the side of my throat again.
This time when I squirmed, his arm slid around my waist, pulling me so I was half dangling from the ground and he could straighten up with his face still buried against my neck.
The warmth of his breath, his mouth on my skin… it was all too much.
I’d never felt anything like it before. I’d been sick since I was a kid—I’d never even thought about someone touching me like this, let alone holding me.
“You smell sweet, like those little flowers you leave behind sometimes when you walk.” He inhaled again, and the strength of his arms around me squeezed a confession from my lungs before I could stop myself.
“You smell like the Lake and the trees, all that promised peace I had to walk away from. It’s like you were sent to convince me that maybe death isn’t so bad after all.”
His arms tensed around me, flexing hard enough that for a second I couldn’t breathe…
and then he slowly let me slide down the length of his body before setting me on the ground.
This close, I had to crane my neck to look up at him, and this close, I could see that there was nothing but a fine sliver of gray around blown-out pupils when he looked down at me.
Shit… what had I even been lying about?
“We… should keep moving.” Even as he said it, his arm was still around my waist, keeping me firmly in place.
When I finally cleared my throat and tugged slightly to try to do what he said, the growl that vibrated from his chest was almost so low I couldn’t hear it… but I could feel it pulsing along every inch of my body. My brows lifted, and like he realized what he was doing, he quickly took a step back.
Though I noticed he never let go of my hand.
At least we’d managed to change the subject. I had no idea what had just happened, but I was pretty sure I didn’t want to discuss the fact that I’d never had a moonlit stroll with someone when whatever had just happened between us was definitely something different.
No one had ever told me I smelled like flowers.
And what in the fuck had I been talking about? He did smell like the Lake, like the water I’d been so ready to run from.
I had no idea why he was making me second-guess that decision now.
“Come on,” I said. Moving forward would be easier than trying to figure out what was going on in my head right now.
“It looks like this entire row of houses is finished.” I took a few steps in that direction, dragging him along by our joined fingers.
“And maybe they’re furnished? Showcase houses, I bet.
” I couldn’t tell for sure, but the little glimpse I got through the open curtains showed me furniture in the darkness of the living room.
“We probably can’t stay here for long, but at least it’ll be something for tonight while we figure out what we’re doing. ”
He didn’t say anything as I led us around the house, through an open gate, and to the back porch. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why I was being stealthy. I still wasn’t sure anyone but Soul could see me.
It was a weird thought that I didn’t want to consider.
I spent a few minutes fiddling with the handle, like being dead suddenly gave me superpowers to break in.
I rattled it, ready to turn and tell Soul that we could try to find a house that was unlocked…
and then he leaned over me, pressing his palm flat to the door.
The muscles in his arm flexed, and the sound of splintering wood and screeching metal showed me something I hadn’t realized before.
Soul was strong—strong enough to bend the deadbolt that had been carefully clicked into place. It was twisted into a broken L-shape, like it was made of clay instead of solid metal.
He was strong enough to break down doors with the slightest bit of pressure… but his hand holding mine was one of the gentlest things I’d felt in my entire life…
He was a walking contradiction that I didn’t understand.
As we stepped into the house and I started taking stock of what we had, Soul’s voice rang out beside me.
“Have you done this before?”
“What? Broken into houses?” I tugged him along as I walked to the bedroom.
The house was staged, just like I thought, and there were beds in every room—the sheets would probably be scratchy, but it was better than nothing.
“Not exactly. I spent a lot of my time in and out of hospitals. Maybe things would have been more interesting if I had. Cole probably would have thought it was hilarious.”
Mentioning my brother made something in my chest ache.
Letting him go had been the hardest thing I’d ever done—the only reason I’d managed with any level of decorum was because I knew he was in good hands.
I’d been able to tell from the moment Sephtis appeared in that field.
The second he’d shown up, flowers had bloomed across the empty grass like a sea of red ushering in the end. My end, and Cole’s beginning.
I’d known then that I was going to be able to let go without worrying about the mess I’d leave behind.
It didn’t make leaving him hurt any less on my end, but… it had given me peace. Seeing them together when I’d visited for the last time had been all the confirmation I’d needed. Sephtis had made those flowers because his heart had always belonged to Cole.
I couldn’t imagine a love that powerful.