11. Friends is Best
Friends is Best
ELLIE
Iwas at the job site a few days later when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
I was stringing wire, a parenting audiobook playing in my ears.
It was probably Kit. She and Chip had gotten into a fight and she’d been texting me all day about it.
He was still sleeping on the couch. I was exhausted with coaching her through these fights, but I knew if I told her how I really felt, she’d back away.
Luckily she knew I couldn’t respond when working.
I paused as I pulled a strip of yellow cable through a stud, confused about what the narrator of my book was talking about.
I realized I’d zoned out of the whole last chapter.
I hadn’t been able to concentrate all day.
I kept replaying Monday night in my head.
All of it—the way Sam was with Henry. The way I was with Sam.
My stomach roiled with mortification even now.
I lost hold of the cable. I made a sound of frustration and stood up, shame and anger twisting in my gut.
I wiped my forehead with my shoulder. It was almost time for me to leave to get Tommy, and on top of everything, I was annoyed I was stringing electrical cable on my own.
I’d hired someone to help me on this job—I was replacing a whole knob and tube system at this lovely older couple’s home, and it was much faster with help.
But the guy had called in for the second time this week, leaving me to do it on my own.
I wished some things could just be easy.
I pulled out my phone to pause the book. Then I saw the text on my screen. It wasn’t Kit.
SAM: Can we talk?
My stomach flipped.
I started typing out a response, something like “maybe tonight,” then stopped.
I already told the homeowners I’d need to spend a couple of extra days here.
I didn’t need to rush to finish. I still had to do my afternoon pump before picking up Henry.
But I had a minute, and I was alone in the house.
I could speak to the father of my child without getting tied up in knots.
I pressed call.
“Hey,” Sam said when he picked up. “I didn’t necessarily mean right this minute.”
“Oh. Well, I’m at work. This felt more efficient.”
“Are you sure you can talk?”
“What’s going on, Sam. Is everything okay?”
“Yup.” A beat passed. “How are you? How’s Henry?”
He was stalling. Whatever he was going to tell me wasn’t good. Maybe he was leaving town again. But that would be good. It was what I wanted. To keep my life orderly. Planned. Surprise-free.
I dropped down onto the back steps outside. This place backed onto a creek, which babbled softly in the late afternoon sun.
Fine. Whatever. I played along. “Henry’s good. He keeps trying to build a tower like you did for him. So far he’s mastered two blocks.”
“Atta boy.”
I said nothing. Let him speak.
Sam cleared his throat. “Ellie, I wanted to apologize for Monday.”
Surprise rendered me silent. “Why?” What part? When I fucked you with my eyes?
“Oh. The um… high five.”
I relaxed slightly, my mouth tipping up. “Yeah, okay, that was weird.”
I could practically hear him cringe. “I’m sorry. I just—” Sam let out a heavy sigh. “It’s just, everything about this is weird.”
Something loosened in my chest at the admission. Just a little. “Yeah,” I said. I hesitated, considering. “But I don’t think there’s any way this wouldn’t be strange. We still don’t really know each other that well. And we have a baby together.”
“Right.”
I was still holding my pliers in my hand. I flipped them around, rolling them in my fingers. “I think we’re going to have to spend some time learning how to be friends.”
“Friends.”
There was something about the way he said it; almost like that word was a disappointment.
I knew that wasn’t the case. But that was what was making this strange, wasn’t it?
We didn’t quite know what we were, or how to be with each other.
For me, my body kept thinking we were back in that hotel room every time I looked at him too long.
For him, who knew. He was still adjusting to being a dad.
And maybe being confused with my weird reactions to him.
Hence the high five.
I cringed once more.
“Yeah,” I said to Sam now. “Friends.”
It was the safest bet.
Even if he did have thoughts about our time together, there was no way he wanted a relationship. Not the way he flitted around life. Maybe co-parents?
I rubbed my forehead with the back of my hand. I decided maybe that a little bit of honesty would help here.
“Sam, maybe we should just start from scratch. Like, not talk about that night, you know? It’s too confusing otherwise.”
I heard the click of Sam swallowing. Then he said, “Of course, Ellie. That makes sense.” He laughed without humor again. “My life isn’t exactly in a good place for anything more anyway.”
This sent a spike of something bad through me. Like I’d been trying to suggest he might want to date me. Oh God.
“Okay, good,” I said. I was glad, actually. Starting over was the only way we were going to get through this.
Then I asked the thing that had been lingering in the background, because might as well get it all out, right?
“Are you…sticking around, Sam? I know you said you’re not moving to Singapore anymore but is that a temporary hold?”
A beat passed where I held my breath.
“I don’t have any plans to go anywhere, Ellie.”
I let out the breath, trying to ignore the relief that flickered through me at that. He didn’t have plans right now. But he wasn’t a planner like me. He could change his mind at any time, hop on a plane if things didn’t go his way or got too hard.
I was being unkind. But I needed to be, in my head at least. Hope just led to disappointment.
“Okay,” I said. “Well, I guess we should make plans for our next meet-up?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “Great.”
Something about the way he was talking sounded weird. I couldn’t put my finger on why. But I think maybe it was just awkward. That was all.
We hammered out plans for a walk in the park on the weekend and said polite goodbyes.
I stood up. It was only then I remembered I was still holding my pliers. I opened my hand, wincing slightly. A perfect indent of its edges was pressed, angry and red, into my hand.
It hurt, but not as much as this tender spot deep in the space behind my ribs. The place it made no sense to hurt when I’d asked for and gotten exactly what I needed from Sam. When he already felt the same way as I did.