36. The Truth
The Truth
ELLIE
The weekend was amazing, even though I didn’t get to see Sam again. Mom was being an accidental cockblocker. She made up for it by spoiling me at the farmer’s market, buying me a ton of other things I didn’t usually treat myself with, like handmade soaps and expensive alternative health things.
“Bee pollen is supposed to be amazing for energy,” she said, throwing a giant jar of the stuff into my already overflowing basket
While we were out, Sam took Tommy to the SAR training. That’s what they’d been talking about downstairs. After Mom fussed all over him, he’d asked if he could go. “Sam said he could take me even though you’re supposed to be 18. Just to learn for later.”
“I didn’t know you were interested in Search and Rescue,” Mom had said.
“It sounds pretty cool. Sam used to teach the course.”
The note of pride in his voice made my heart squeeze. “Of course,” I said. “Sounds great, Tommy.”
On Sunday, the whole Heartbreaker crew and partners spent the day at Winona and Mitchell’s place, where Mom spent the whole time walking the grounds with Kit.
Everyone else was coupled up. I was fine with it, until I accidentally stumbled upon Mitchell’s brother Blake kissing his wife Cassandra in the fern garden when I was trying to get Henry to sleep in the stroller.
If that had happened a few months ago, I might have thought it was cute, but now, it only made me miss Sam.
Having my mom there was great, but I was the only one without a partner. Even Chip was there, albeit following Mitchell around instead of hanging out with Kit.
Mom could sense that I didn’t want to talk to her about Sam yet, and she was too busy with the kids anyway, since she’d insisted we give Mrs. Oxford the week off.
But I couldn’t quite believe how big a failure sleeping with Sam had been. At least for getting him out of my system. Everything was so much worse now. I was bordering on obsessed.
And I didn’t hear from Sam until he texted on Sunday night.
I was on the couch with Mom and Tommy, in my pajamas, watching a movie. I’d missed the first bit, insisting they start without me while I was putting Henry down.
SAM: How was your weekend?
My stomach flipped like I was a teenager and he was my secret boyfriend.
Which I guess he kind of was. I sent him some cute pictures of Henry.
Told him about how excited Tommy was for the next training, even though it was on his birthday.
Then I told him about our plans to surprise Tommy for brunch at our place first.
ELLIE: How about you? How was your weekend?
SAM: Torture, actually.
I bit my lip.
ELLIE: Torture? That sounds extreme.
SAM: I had to keep myself from texting you 38923489 times.
I wanted to melt into the couch. I’d wanted him to text me 38923489 times.
ELLIE: You could have, you know.
SAM: Your mom deserved to have you without distractions.
ELLIE: What makes you think you would have distracted me?
“What are you smiling about?” Tommy asked.
I startled, nearly dropping the phone.
“I’m not smiling.”
“Yes you are.”
Mom, on Sam’s other side, said, “Kit was going to send her some photos for plantings for the backyard. It’s her, right?”
Bless Mom.
“Mm-hmm,” I said. I had a hard time lying to Tommy, and if he’d even narrowed his eyes at me I’d have confessed—for no reason at all—that I was talking to Sam.
My phone buzzed in my hand.
Luckily Tommy turned back to the movie.
I looked down at the text Sam had sent.
SAM: The things I want to do to you are extremely distracting. I can’t tell you what they are though. Not appropriate in shared company.
Heat swirled in my lower half. I desperately wanted him to tell me more, but he was right, I couldn’t with my family around.
SAM: I wasn’t going to text you tonight, either, since you’re probably watching a family movie or something (jealous).
ELLIE: As a matter of fact, we are.
SAM: What are you wearing?
I had to suppress a laugh.
ELLIE: Some very sexy sweats and a t-shirt.
SAM: You probably look juicy as fuck.
Oh my God.
I got up and went into the kitchen, turning on the tap like I needed water.
ELLIE: Maybe I’ll send you some photos tomorrow from work.
SAM: Sexy ones?
I couldn’t help biting my lower lip.
ELLIE: Maybe.
SAM: God help me. Okay, but if I get fired for jerking off at the office I’m blaming you.
ELLIE: Aren’t you home working on website stuff tomorrow?
SAM: I’m a very strict boss.
I laughed
ELLIE: Good night, Sam.
SAM: Ellie, I’m dying.
ELLIE: Talk to you tomorrow.
The photos the next day started out innocently: I showed him the circuit breaker and some of the wiring I’d had to remove.
But then I started slipping pieces of me in the shots.
A thigh. A side-boob. Then a strategically placed cleavage shot, which required me to unbutton the button-down I’d worn that day for this purpose.
Sam was so enthusiastic in his responses, I ended up going further than I’d meant to, and sent him a fully NSFW shot of my boobs. I was alone of course, on the second floor of an empty office space. Still, I didn’t dare show him more in case anyone came by.
Having Sam lose it was worth it.
He called me, telling me he was so desperate to see me he’d drive over there right now if I gave him the word. It was so tempting I even pictured where we could do it in the space.
“I can’t,” I said. “Bad for business to get caught banging on the job site. But it’s QV day on Saturday.”
QV was Quince Valley day, which was kind of like a founder’s day for the town. It happened every June, and there was a whole thing down in the square, including fireworks later.
Sam was coming over that night, staying for dinner and afterward we’d head out to some of the festivities all together.
Still, it felt ages away.
“You have to know I’m going to do inappropriate things with these photos until then,” he said.
“That’s the idea.”
When Saturday afternoon finally rolled around, I was buzzing with anticipation at seeing Sam. It was as if he’d been gone for weeks. It must have shown on my face, because when I went to the grocery store with Mom that afternoon to shop for dinner, she clearly decided enough was enough.
She waited until we’d entered the grocery store, Henry buckled in the cart, before dropping the bomb.
“So. When are you and Sam going to stop sneaking around?”
I’d nearly smashed into a display of tomato soup. “What do you mean?”
“I mean every time that man sends you a message, you look like that time you were a kid and got too much laughing gas at the dentist.”
I rolled my lips together. “I do not.”
She put a hand on the cart, stopping it to glare at me.
There was no point lying to my mother. She could always see right through me.
I sighed. “I don’t know, Mom. I guess I like him.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing.” I reached for a box of baby rice crackers, dropping them in the cart.
“Ellie.” Her voice sounded almost…heartbroken.
I bristled. Then I wheeled us into the meat section, where the far corner had no one in hearing distance. “Mom. I told you a long time ago that I’m not getting involved with anyone as long as the boys are at home.”
“And I told you that was ridiculous.”
I flashed her a look. “No you didn’t. You supported me.”
“Well that was then. You’d just broken up with that absolute doorknob Ron, thank God. I supported your decision then.”
“But not now?”
“You’re making better choices now.”
Irritation prickled my skin. “Mom, I already made a choice.”
“But there’s something going on between you two. I’m not an idiot, Elizabeth. Don’t lie to me.”
I gripped the cart’s handle, my eyes on Henry, who was busy with his rice cracker.
He looked up at me with his father’s eyes and gave me a slobbery smile.
My heart hurt. “Okay, yes, Mom. I like Sam, but I didn’t know that was going to happen. Things are different because he’s Henry’s dad and he wants to be in Henry’s life. I just didn’t expect…”
Mom’s expression was soft, her eyebrows slanted.
My throat thickened. “I didn’t expect to feel this way about anyone, let alone Henry’s dad. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you sleep with him?”
“Mom!”
“What? Did you?”
I picked up a package of hamburger meat, guessing my cheeks looked about the same color as the beef in my hand. “Yes,” I said quietly.
“And did he run away?”
“No! Of course not. Why would you ask that?”
“Because I can’t think of any other reason why you wouldn’t give things a chance with Sam. You know that man is nothing like the ones who came before.”
I pouted, throwing the meat in the cart.
Mom put a hand on my arm. “I see how he is with Henry and Tommy.”
I thought of Kit, saying he was parenting both boys.
“And,” she said, “I’ve seen how he is with you. He looks at you like you hung the moon, Ellie.”
My chest twisted painfully. “That’s why I let myself be with him, Mom. I know he’s a good guy.” I knew all these things she was telling me. I could see them.
“So why are you sneaking around like teenagers? It’s not because of Tommy, is it? Because Tommy looks at Sam like he wishes he was his father. I think he’d jump for joy if he knew you two were giving it a try. You could try asking your son what he thought if you wanted to know for sure.”
I felt dizzy. Because Tommy had already indicated to me he’d be okay with me seeing Sam out in the open.
The question was—would I?
“Honey, this could be the family you always deserved. The one I—” Mom looked away, taking Henry’s hand in hers and shaking it as he cooed. She cleared her throat. “The one I screwed up in giving you.”
Another twist in my chest, and this time my throat seized along with it, tears gathering in my eyes.
“Mom. You didn’t do anything wrong raising me.”
She shook her head. “I made lots of mistakes. I didn’t show you what a loving marriage looks like. I should have left years before things started getting bad. Before Anthony started picking up on it.”
She shook her head. “But that’s not what I want you to know.
What I want you to know is I think you’re smart about relationships.
When Tommy’s father vanished, you picked yourself up and made a beautiful life for you and that sweet boy.
None of what he went through is because of that, by the way. Not a single thing.”
I opened my mouth, but she wasn’t finished.
“And when things went south with that man back in California, when he tried parenting your son in a way you knew was harmful, you were gone. You are lucky in love honey, because you never stuck around with a loser. You’re only unlucky in that no one worthy enough came along any sooner. Until Sam.”
A tingling went over my neck at what she was saying. Could she be right? Was my history not a personal failing, but a matter of circumstance?
“I think you could have every happiness with Sam, Elizabeth. I’ve only known him a few days, and I love him already. I can still poke him a bit to see if he holds water, but quite honestly, I don’t know how you’re not madly in love with him.”
The thought that hit me then made me want to throw myself into the whole chickens.
I am. I’m completely in love with him.
I looked at Mom.
A tear spilled over her cheek then. “Oh honey.” She pulled me against her and I cried, right there into my Mom’s shoulder in the middle of the supermarket. I no longer cared who saw me.
I loved Sam. I loved the man who did everything to make my life easier. But I loved him when he wasn’t doing things for me, either. I loved how funny he was. How deeply he cared. How he always spoke from his heart, and thought to bring my mom flowers.
I loved him for who he was. I was completely, hopelessly gone for him.
But my heart nearly stopped when I thought about what that meant.
“Mom,” I said, barely able to say it. “What if he leaves? He’s never stayed anywhere in his life.”
“Honey, at a certain point you just have to trust he’ll keep your heart safe,” she said softly. “And if he doesn’t? Well, then I’ll be here. I’ve always been here for you Ellie-belle. Just like you’re there for your kids.”
She had been.
The breath nearly knocked itself out of me at this realization. How had I been so stupid? My mom had been a single mom too. She knew how hard it was. She’d been there for me since the very beginning.
She’d been there for me my whole life.
Maybe Sam and I could work out. Maybe he’d stay. He said he didn’t want to go anywhere, and he’d been nothing but truthful with me. He’d shown up in the biggest way for me and my boys. Maybe he’d continue to do so, even if we didn’t work out.
But maybe we could work out. Maybe, just maybe, I could have the life with him that I’d always thought was for other, luckier people, just by accepting I could be lucky in love too. By trusting he wouldn’t let me down. And knowing that on the minuscule chance he did, I’d still be okay.
“Mom,” I said, finally pulling away. “I’m sobbing in the meat department.”
“Oh honey. The best things happen in the meat department.”
We laughed hysterically. Henry even joined in.
As we stood in line with the full cart a few minutes later, Mom holding Henry, Mom said, “Did I tell you Anthony’s been going to therapy?”
“What?”
“After his latest girlfriend left him, he came to me in tears. Said he was sorry and didn’t want to end up like Dad.
I think you’ll be hearing from him sometime in the near future.
He talked a lot about all the shit he pulled on you.
No pressure to speak with him of course, I still haven’t forgiven him for all that.
But I wanted you to know he’s doing the work. ”
And I thought I was done being shocked.