37. I Got This
I Got This
SAM
Istood on the front stoop of Ellie’s place, feeling the strangest sense of déjà vu from the first time I’d come up to this house nervous as hell.
I was nervous as hell today too. I hadn’t seen Ellie in so long it felt like a lifetime had passed. I’d moped around all week, desperate for any crumb I got from her. Last night, a ‘Goodnight, S,” text had sent me into a tailspin.
I was pathetic.
Pathetic for her.
I set the heaviest of my items down and rang the bell. I would have just come in, but tonight felt different. Luckily my hands were too occupied to do any weird moves in the reflection of the door like the first time I’d shown up here.
When she didn’t answer right away, I lifted a hand up to the camera and waved.
A moment later, the door opened, and there she was, my Ellie. I thought I’d been prepared to see her again. I wasn’t. She looked lit up from within. Glowing. A fucking vision in another pink dress.
“Hey,” she said, her pretty smile making me weak at the knees.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I managed.
She blushed, and I badly wanted to storm the two feet between us and kiss the hell out of her. But I held back, glancing up.
“Your mom’s watching, isn’t she?”
“Probably,” she laughed.
“Well, these are for her.” I held out the flowers I’d picked up at the market earlier.
She sighed, smiling. “Always the bridesmaid. Mom’s going to lose it over these. Peonies are her favorite.”
“I brought something for you too, if you can hold the flowers.”
She took them from me, looking surprised. I’d need to fix that somehow. She shouldn’t be surprised to be showered in gifts at all times.
I hopped down the steps and picked up the giant ceramic planter Con and Kit had helped me source. It was filled with a massive fern thick with fronds. The tops curled into cool spirals.
“For the one Henry ate last week,” I said. “It’s a fiddlehead, so he can eat this one, too.”
When Ellie laughed, I swear I felt it in my soul. If this was how things were going now, I had no idea how I was going to make it walking around in public with her tonight. More torture, only worse than when I was missing her because she’d be in front of me and untouchable.
“I’ve got some more things,” I said, “but they’re mostly in the car. I can get them later. If you want them.”
She bit her lip. Fuck I’d missed that.
“Come on up. Dinner’s almost ready.”
I followed her into the hallway, closing the door behind me.
“Ellie,” I said.
“Yeah?”
She turned around, but I couldn’t see her through this fucking bush, which I’d had to move from my hip to fit into the door.
She giggled. “Can I help you? Somehow?”
“I was”—I cleared my throat—“going to ask if I could kiss you, since we probably won’t have the opportunity later. But I can’t even see you, so…”
She laughed again, and a moment later, the fronds in front of me parted.
She smiled.
I, a fucking goner, smiled back.
Ellie rose up on her toes and pressed a kiss to my lips. It was sweet and chaste. Just like this moment. I closed my eyes, savoring it. “I missed you so much, Ellie. It’s stupid how much I missed you.”
I opened my eyes to see her throat bobbing.
“I’m going to see if we can get away on our own a bit tonight when we’re downtown, okay?” She said softly. “Just to talk.”
Talk? About what? Panic ripped through me. I forced myself to not go straight to doom. “Okay. Sounds good.” My voice sounded hoarse.
Somehow, we made it upstairs.
She was right, Grace was thrilled with the peonies.
And Henry just about lost it when he saw me, even though I’d seen him just a couple of days ago.
I offered to help with the food, but Ellie and her mom insisted it was nearly done.
I was thrilled to hang out with the boys, anyway.
Tommy and I talked about SAR things while building a tower with Henry.
Someone had put on some classic jazz music, and I felt, in this moment, like things were perfect.
Except for that thing Ellie wanted to talk about.
I found myself growing a little queasy. I had a sudden flashback to that day on the beach, and I patted for the doll in my pocket. But I’d left it at home. On purpose.
Everything was fine, wasn’t it? I had no reason to believe it wasn’t. No matter what happened between me and Ellie.
Dinner was incredible. Grace’s chicken parmesan, which we ate early since we wanted to get out to the stuff in the square and get a good seat before the fireworks started later. But the moment we finished cleaning up, Grace said, “Well, I think it’s time we get going, children.”
Tommy the almost sixteen-year-old rolled his eyes, muttering something about being nearly grown, but he placed an affectionate hand on his grandmother’s shoulder as he rose, towering over her.
Ellie checked the clock. “Yes, good idea. I’ll grab the folding chairs.”
“Chair,” Grace said. “Singular. Tommy said he doesn’t need to sit.”
Ellie frowned. So did I.
“Mom, there are three adults,” Ellie reminded her.
But Grace looked up at Tommy. “Well, we were thinking you two need a little time alone, right?”
Tommy shrugged. “Yeah. As long as they’re not gross about it.”
Ellie’s jaw fell open.
What the hell was going on?
Grace stood. “Tommy, can you get the diaper bag ready please?” Then she looked at me. “Help me get the chair, Sam?”
“Of course,” I said, warily.
“Grace, what are you doing?” I asked when we were on the stairs. The chairs were in the shed out back.
But Ellie’s mom didn’t speak until we were outside on the deck and she’d shut the patio door.
She folded her arms. “Okay, now listen, son. I think you’ve got this in the bag. But you could bring this whole thing home. What else have you got?”
I was picking up that she’d planned this, of course. With Tommy. But I wasn’t prepared to be ambushed.
I wanted to tell Grace I knew what I was doing. That I had a plan, which was to give Ellie time, but show her I was all in. But Grace, I realized, was already not just on the same page, but several chapters ahead.
My shoulders dropped. Once again I felt like that pathetic dope I’d been all week. “I appreciate what you’re doing here, Grace, but it’s not up to me. I don’t want to scare Ellie off.”
“Honey, you might be just fine as-is. But what Ellie needs is absolute proof. Irrefutable evidence that you’re all in on this family. You’re doing it right by showing up, but I think you can do better.”
Nerves flapped through me. But she was right. I knew she was. Ellie needed to know I was all in, and she needed to know now. Even if it made her pull back, I wanted to be her rock if she wanted to pull forward again.
I ran a hand over my forehead. Then I dropped it again.
“Okay.” I did have a thought. I’d been worried it was too much. Maybe it didn’t have to be, though. It could be perfect, especially if I got Grace onboard.
I told Grace what it was, and she beamed. “Okay. I can do that.” Then a flash of concern went over her face.
“What is it?” I asked.
She hesitated, as if she didn’t want to say this part. But she squared her shoulders and said, “Well, I’m going to bat for you, Sam. And if you let me down, I’ll probably have to murder you in your sleep.”
I smiled, for the first time feeling completely nerve-free. This part I wasn’t worried about. Not in the least.
“Grace,” I said. “There is not a chance in hell I’ll let you down, okay? No matter what the outcome, if this building is burning, everyone in this house is on my back. Including you. I mean, if you’re here.”
I probably could have stopped there, but I wasn’t done.
“I’d walk a thousand miles to get to them. In bare feet on burning coals. If they need a single thing, I’m knocking down anything in my way to get it for them, whether it’s a minor inconvenience or a brick wall. And if anyone—and I mean anyone—fucks with this family? They’ll answer to me.”
Maybe that was too much. But she didn't know about what I’d been through. She didn’t know how my failing to protect the people I cared about would live with me the rest of my life.
But that was also the very thing that ensured I’d never ever let it happen again, and by the smile on her face, I think she sensed that.
“I know Ellie and those boys are your babies, Grace. But they’re mine now too.”
Grace finally loosened her set shoulders. And after only another second of hesitation, she threw her arms around me. “Thank you, honey. Maybe now I can finally sleep at night.”
“Thank you, for bringing the love of my life into the world,” I said back.
She released me and nodded, her eyes glossy.
“We better get this show on the road,” I said. “Ellie’s going to get suspicious.”
She laughed wetly, and began to move for the shed. But I put a hand on her arm and moved past her.
“I got this, Grace,” I said.
And I meant it. With every fiber of my being.