Chapter 18
DECLAN
My palms sweat as I sit in front of Dad’s desk. I rub them on my slacks, but it does nothing to calm my frayed nerves.
Jadon is dead. The blackmailing has stopped. So why do I still feel on edge? My lizard brain is telling me that I’m missing something.
But what could be missing? It’s been over a week since I got the last letter. Initially, there were at least two a week. I got the latest one right after I fired him, then nothing. Jadon and his family must have been killed only a day or two after he was let go.
Instead of feeling relieved that the extortion attempts have stopped, I feel on alert that the other shoe hasn’t dropped yet.
Clearing my throat, I ask, “Did you ask the chief of police about Jadon and his family? I swear I’m not the one that killed them. You know I wouldn’t hurt a child.”
“I know, Deck,” Dad replies quickly. “You told me it wasn’t you, and I believe ya.
” I look at him, my expression probably one of shock.
For the past few years, since that I’ve been running my own casino, Dad and Carter have second guessed and questioned every decision I’ve made and anything I told them.
Hearing he believes me when it comes to murders is a shock.
Dad gives me a sardonic smile. “I raised you and your brother not to kill kids. They ain’t got nothin’ to do with the sins of the adults in your lives.
That kid wasn’t old enough to even know what was going on, let alone be guilty of the crimes of his father.
You might not always listen to me, but I know you listened to that. ”
I incline my head. Jadon’s son was the same age I was when my mother was killed. I was in the life, so I knew shit like that was possible, but Jadon and his family weren’t. His son had no clue what could have happened to him because of his father’s wicked ways.
My hand goes to the scar along my ribs, rubbing it for comfort. My heart rate calms down and I’m able to think a little past the pain.
Dad crosses his arms over his chest. “What’s going on, son? You okay?”
I try to paste a smile on my face, but other than when I’m with Nico, they don’t happen often.
Why the fuck is it so easy for me to smile when Nico is around? It’s so effortless, even when I want to keep that wall up. Nico just about bulldozed it, especially with him not telling Carter about us. He didn’t even tell Kai like I thought he would. No, that fucker found out on his own.
Even that endears me to him, because I’ve been around both Kai and Carter in the days since Kai saw me and Nico kissing. Carter hasn’t given any indication he knows anything. He’s simply been treating me like I’m about to screw something up.
It’s not as hard as I thought it would be to let Nico in, which fucking scares me to death. Besides Hendrix, he’s the only one that hasn’t let my shitty attitude bother him. They both let my anger and irritation flow off their backs like water off a duck.
I’m in fucking trouble.
“D? What’s wrong?” Dad asks, leaning forward in his chair. “If there’s anything—”
I hold up my hand. “I’m good, Dad, I swear it. Why you think something is going on with me?”
“I’m your dad. I know shit.”
I bark a laugh. “I’m okay.”
He studies me for a while, his eyes roaming my face. “You have any idea who may have wanted Jadon dead?”
“None. He was stealing from me. If it were someone in our family or the St. Clairs I would have offed them, but I remembered you told me before that we have to handle affiliated and unaffiliated differently.” Pride blooms across Dad’s face, making my chest feel tight.
He rarely looks at me like that because I don’t really do a lot of shit that would make him proud.
Clearing the lump in my throat, I say, “I roughed him up, and he threatened to sue, but I planned to pay him off if I got a court summons. I wasn’t going to kill him. No one in our family would have either. They know I would have taken their heads off for making shit hot.”
Dad nods, placing his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair. “That’s good thinking.” He peers into my eyes, his face showing regret. “Listen, I’m sorry I was so hard on you growing up.”
I jolt in my chair, ticking up an eyebrow. “Where’s that coming from?”
He places his arms on his desk. “I’ve been thinking how over the past few years, I’ve been telling you what to do, not how to do it. After your Ma was killed, I was so focused on keeping us together, keeping us strong. I also had to train Carter, so I feel like I didn’t have a lot to give you.”
Those are thoughts I had, but I never wanted my father to see me vulnerable. I don’t want to be one of those men with daddy issues, pissed at the world because my pops didn’t love me.
That’s the thing though, Dad always showed he loved me. He just never gave me the same instructions he gave Carter, not really equipping me for a lot. If I have to take over the family in Carter’s stead, I won’t have the same training he did and will probably fuck it up.
He continues. “I should have taught ya both the same.” He breathes a chuckle. “The regrets of an old man.”
I sit up, his last few words ringing in my head. “Dad, are you sick? Is something going on?”
He looks at me curiously, then laughs. “That sure sounded like a death declaration, huh? No, I was just thinking is all. I’m fine.
Fit as a fucking fiddle. You ain’t gettin’ rid of me anytime soon, that’s for sure.
I just wanted you to know, just in case.
Not having my days consumed with working to keep our enemies at bay and making sure our businesses were profitable gives me time to reflect.
I could have been better for you. But since I do have so much time, I’d like to try. If you want.”
Why are my eyes stinging? Why is my throat so fucking tight?
All my life, I wanted Dad to give me the same thing he gave to Carter.
A little more attention, a little more guidance, just a little more.
I gave up wanting that, gave up wishing I could be in Carter’s shoes.
Hardly something I’d get in my twenties.
But here Dad is, giving me what I’ve always wanted.
For the third fucking time, I clear my throat and discreetly wipe under my eye. “Yeah, Dad. I’d like that.” To lighten the mood, I ask, “You sure you ain’t dying?”
“I’m sure, you little shit.” He comes around the desk and holds his arms out. I stand and step into his embrace, letting a few tears fall. “Love you, Declan.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
I step back and wipe my face, feeling weak for letting my emotions show like this in front of my dad, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
He places a heavy hand on my shoulder. “I’ll get with the chief and ask him for any information about Jadon and his family. If your name comes up, he’ll let me know, alright?”
“Alright.”
“I’m glad you came to me, Deck. Weeks ago, you would have gone storming into the police station, demanding to talk to the chief to clear ya name. Now you’re using your brain. Just like I knew you could. Maybe you have been listening.”
I have, but not to Dad or Carter. It’s all Nico.
Like he told me when we were sparring, there are ways to be angry, but keep my mind clear.
When it comes to the blackmailing shit, I’ve been more chill than I would have ordinarily been, but not because I haven’t wanted to figure it out.
It’s because I wanted to figure it out and keep my life in the process.
It’s no secret I’ve been reckless in the past, not caring if I lived or died. But that was because I didn’t have anything to live for. With Nico in my life? I don’t want to miss a day.
I’m in big fucking trouble.
It’s early evening by the time I leave Dad’s. Austin and Donny walk alongside me with their hands stuffed in their jackets.
When I’m sure the shit with Jadon is over, I’ll promote these two. They’ve earned it.
“I wanna go to the grocery store, then I’ll head home and y’all can have the night to yourselves.”
“Thanks, boss,” Austin says. “Which grocery store?” I tell him and he nods. “We’ll follow you there and walk a few paces behind you.”
“Good man,” I mutter as I climb into my car.
It only takes me about half an hour to get ingredients for dinner. After I’ve checked out and have my haul in my car, I text Nico.
Me: Can you stop by?
I pull out of the parking lot and head home, catching every single fucking red light on my way. Any other time, I’d be pissed, raging for no good reason. Now, I feel a minor annoyance but keep my displeasure to myself.
Goddamn Nico and his calm demeanor rubbing off on me.
When I’m at the light closest to my condo, my phone vibrates in the cup holder. I pick it up and a smile spreads across my face when I see Nico’s name on the screen.
Nico: It’s my night off. What time do you want me to come over?
Me: Now if you want.
Nico: Eager beaver. I like it.
Me: Fuck off. Can you come or not?
Nico: Be there in thirty.
I toss my phone in my passenger seat with a grunt and pull off when the light turns green.
Once inside my condo, I get started on dinner. It’s not much and I’m not even sure I remember the way my mom made the recipe.
When I was a kid, she taught me how to make this dish that she said her mom always made her dad.
“The way to a man’s heart, my sweet Declan,” she said as he kissed the top of my head, making me giggle, “is through his stomach. Whether you have a husband or wife, you’ll need to learn to cook to keep them in love. ”
I smile at my mom’s progressive views. She always turned her nose up at the men in our family that didn’t tolerate gay people. Said it was backwards and stopped us from getting good men in our ranks. She’s right about that. I’m gay and Carter is bi and no one can fuck with us.
I think she knew, even when I was that young. Mother’s intuition or some shit. But she always told me how much she’d love me, no matter who I brought home to meet her.