Chapter 21 Specter #2
“At first I thought stripping would be almost like that.” He laughs. “I was very wrong. I tried several clubs too, but they were all the same.”
“What was your boyfriend doing?”
His expression hardens. “Stealing mostly. I didn’t know.”
I wait quietly, sensing there’s more.
“He also, um, broke his promise. He got addicted to heroin.”
“Fuck.”
“He hid it so well. Or maybe I just wanted to ignore the signs.” He shrugs. “Either way, he did the one thing he promised he wouldn’t do. He left me.”
“Left you for what?”
“Death. I found him with the needle still in his arm. He was sitting up next to a dumpster, covered in snow.”
“Jesus, Cashmere.”
“That day I decided I’d never give my heart over to someone again. I would never trust someone to take care of me. It was me against the world.”
Now everything makes sense.
“I left that city and found my way here to Mistone. I was out looking for shelter when I saw Segreto. It looked so nice from the outside, and the cars in the parking lot were kind of fancy. I thought maybe it was a higher class strip joint, and when I saw the rainbow flag on the door, I went in. I met Jimmy that day. He told me it was burlesque and I could be more artistic. It felt like finding shelter in a storm. He hired me, found me a place to stay with one of the dancers, and I got food and a shower and clean clothes. He paid me an advance so I could get a few things. He saved my life.”
“You saved your own life, baby. You found Jimmy, not the other way around.”
Cashmere searches my eyes for a second before turning away. “It’s not ballet, but I’m good at it, I make money, and I love it. It’s this reminder that beauty exists and people crave it. Sure, it’s still about sex, but sex is beautiful too.”
“It is.”
“Well, that’s it. That’s me. I’ve never told a soul, not even Jimmy, and if you use it to hurt me, I’ll carve your heart out of your chest and keep it on my shelf.”
There he is. My fierce little warrior. “You told me because you already know I would never use it to hurt you.”
Cashmere’s lips twist. “Maybe.”
“Are you hungry?”
“No. I want to know how you became a hitman.”
I guess I should have seen this coming. “Uh, well, our histories have some similarities, but our origins are different. I left home young too, but it was because my parents were drug addicts and my dad was abusive every time he got high, which was often. He always hated me. He told me once that he tried to get my mom to abort me but she wouldn’t.
Then he tried to beat me out of her but I clung on.
He called me relentless, and I guess that much is true. ”
“Oh my god, Specter. Did you have siblings?”
“A sister, but she died before she was a year old. Complications from some birth defects. I didn’t know then, but I know now that it was caused by my mom’s drug use.”
“Did you know her?”
I shake my head. “She never left the hospital. We were visited by some social workers, but my parents put on a good show and they left me there.”
“Christ.”
“After I ran away, I did what I had to do to survive. Petty crimes, turned some tricks, whatever got food in my belly.” I rub my forehead. The last time I talked about any of this was when Shadow found me.
“It’s okay if you want to stop,” Cashmere says, touching my hand lightly.
“If you can tell me your story, I can tell you mine.” I blow out a breath. “I got caught up in a local gang. Not here. Over in Philly.”
Cashmere nods.
“At first, it was good, right? They had a house and I had a real mattress to sleep on for the first time in years. I thought I’d found a family, but um, they weren’t that.”
“What happened?”
“I was the house whore.”
He flinches, scrunching up his nose. “Fuck.”
“It became increasingly abusive, and one night they drugged me. I woke up in… a bad state. I was scared of getting a disease or dying of an overdose. So I took off. I heard Mistone was a good place where I might find some resources to help me out. I came here and I was getting by okay. One night I ran into Shadow. He saw something in me and offered me refuge. I was gun shy, of course, but I was cold and hungry and filthy, and I wanted to trust him so badly. He took me in and changed my world.”
“Did you know right away what it was?”
I nod. “In the morning, he met with me and told me what his organization did. He told me what he offered in exchange, which was a home, an income, and a place to belong. I, um, did some things on the streets that kind of prepared me for this.”
“You survived.”
“Yeah.” I wring my hands. “Shadow told me he’d give me thirty days to decide. I could go out with some of the guys and make my own mind up.”
“Wasn’t he worried you might tell someone?”
“His instincts about people are almost eerily good, but I also knew that he has a lot of powerful friends. No one would have believed me anyway.”
Cashmere nods. “That makes sense.”
“We operate in the dark, a silent force taking out problems all over the city. In a place like this, no one even notices most of the time. What happened last night was a matter of luck and good timing. I saved one girl, and there were others.”
Cashmere is watching me with an expression I can’t read.
“So now you know about me.” I mirror his earlier statement.
“You know I’m a killer, that I’ve done bad things, and I will again.
I’m not the kind of man you could take home to meet the fam, but I’m loyal as fuck, and I’d rather die than let something bad happen to you.
Not on my watch, gorgeous. Not ever again. ”
“You’re wrong about one thing. If I had a family, I’d take you home to meet them.” He leans forward, taking my hand in his. “You’re an amazing man, Specter. You endured a lot, and yeah, maybe your job isn’t the norm, but who am I to judge?”
“I can make you happy. I can give you everything you need. I want to. I’m gonna find the bastard who hurt you and rip him apart, you can count on that. But I need you to know that I’m so wrapped up in you, I don’t remember what I felt like before I saw your face.”
He releases a shaky breath. “I want to believe you.”
“I can prove it. You just gotta stick with me. That’s all I’m asking. Don’t run. Let me love you.”
Love.
The word lingers in the space between us, both of us aware of its weight. I could try to soften it, but what would I even say?
Cashmere’s brows furrow as his cheeks flush pink. He swallows hard before asking, “Is that what you want? To love me?”
“So much. I can’t say I even know what the fuck love looks like, but I want to figure it out. I want my love to be the thing that lights you up inside.”
His eyes turn glassy and he turns away, dragging his hand through his hair. “This is a lot.”
“I know. I never said I was subtle.”
He laughs softly. “No, you didn’t.”
I lift his hand and kiss it. His expression shifts and I see the fear in his eyes.
“I’m scared of you.”
“What? I would never—”
“Not that kind of fear. The kind where I let myself feel… and then you’re… gone.”
“Hey.” I scoot between his legs. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“My parents didn’t think they would either. My boyfriend didn’t die on purpose. Sometimes people leave even when they don’t want to, and it’s just easier if…” His words trail off as he looks down at his hands.
He doesn’t have to finish.
“Okay, you’re right. I can’t promise that nothing will happen to me, but I can promise that if I’m ever gone from you it will be against my will.”
“That doesn’t help.”
“No, it doesn’t. I get it, babe, I do. I live the same way.
These guys, they’re my family, and yeah, I get scared I could lose one of them, but when those fears rise up on me, I remind myself that they’re here now and this is more than I ever hoped for myself.
Now, meeting you…” I blow out a breath to slow my word vomit.
“What?”
“The feeling I have now is worth anything I may have to feel later. Losing you would tear my heart out, but I haven’t lost you yet. I’m here. You’re here. I can’t promise tomorrow any more than you can, but I can promise that only death could tear me away.”
A tear streaks down his cheek and he brushes it away. “Dammit, Specter. You weren’t supposed to be amazing.”
“Maybe that’s exactly what I was supposed to be.
” I press his hand to my chest. “I’m crazy about you.
The more I get to know you, the more I want to.
I set my eyes on you and knew I’d do whatever it took to make you mine, and that desire hasn’t flagged at all.
Not one bit. I don’t know if that’s what love is or if there’s even more depth to this feeling, but I’m all about it, babe. I’m all in, Cashmere.”
“Colson,” he whispers. “Call me Colson. Please.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I nod. “I’d be honored.”
He brushes his fingers across my cheek. “Do you have to go to work right now?”
I need to tell him the plan to find his stalker, but now isn’t the time. “No.”
“Want to shower with me?”
“The answer is always yes.”
A slight smile dances across his lips. “You’re a surprise, Specter. A needed one.”
I lean in and kiss him softly. “You’re fucking everything.”