Chapter 22 Colson
Colson
Is this real life?
I feel like I stepped out of mine and into this imaginary world where I finally get to have anything I’ve ever wanted. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is uncomfortable, but it’s not as bad as it was. Maybe with time it will go away completely? Could I hope for that?
Hope. What a word. I’ve been unfamiliar with it for more than a decade, but that’s the only way to explain the warmth in my chest, the lightness of my thoughts, and the desire to surrender to anything Specter wants from me.
It’s been two days since I had the most amazing sex of my life.
I expected Specter to move into sex fiend mode once I gave it up completely, but he didn’t.
He’s been incredibly affectionate, kissing me in sweet places all the time, carding his fingers through my hair, making sure I have everything I need and want at all times.
Now I find myself standing in the massive home gym, my leg propped up on my own barre. Unreal, this man.
“Thanks, man.” Specter’s voice reaches me as he enters the gym. When he rounds the corner, his gaze softens as his eyes take me in. “Yeah, I’ll see you later.” He ends his call, leaning against the stair railing. “Hi.”
“Hey. Do you want to see my routine for the special group?”
He shakes his head. “No, I want to see it when you’re onstage.”
I bite my bottom lip. “I don’t think you can be there. It’s a private reservation.”
His lips upturn. “Oh, you think I’m not gonna be there? That’s cute.”
“I’m just saying, I don’t know if—”
“Babe. I got it, okay? You’re not gonna be there alone. No fucking way.”
I nod, realizing who I’m talking to. “I understand.”
“Do something for me though. I want to watch your body move.”
An unusual shyness comes over me, but I push it away and try to sit in this puddle of vulnerability Specter creates around me. Shaking my hands out, I close my eyes for a second and center myself.
When I can, I like to practice all the ballet still bopping around my head.
I don’t have pointe shoes, and they’d be nice, but it’s also been ages since I’ve tried them, so I’m happy enough in my flats.
I start with a demi-plié then move into glissade, focusing on my balance and strength.
Soft classical music still plays from my phone, my favorite score, “Chopin’s Prelude in E Minor,” and I let it seep into my soul, guiding my movements.
I’m not looking at Specter. I can’t, but I feel his eyes on me. I feel his desire, his protectiveness, just his presence. I shift into first arabesque before showing off by bending forward and pointing my lifted leg to the sky, my body almost perpendicular.
Specter hums softly, but I continue dancing in my own world, deviating from classic ballet and into my own breed of dancing. Bending backward, I keep going until my hands touch the floor, still with one leg extended.
“Jesus,” Specter murmurs.
I finish by swiveling into a slow back flip, then into splits. Then I crawl to the pole, only inches away, but it’s for effect. I know he’s watching my every move and I’m eating it up.
Shimmying up the pole, I grab the top, using all my upper body strength to pull myself onto it, hook my legs around it and swing, slowly at first, until I pick up momentum and the world becomes a blur as I run my hands up my neck, my hair falling like water around me.
I want to practice part of the routine I have planned for Sunday, so I grip the pole, spreading my legs wide in an aerial split, my arms holding all my weight.
I wrap one leg around the pole, flipping upside down and swaying my upper body back and forth in a slow shimmy.
Then I shift again, swinging wildly around, flipping my hair through my hands before hooking my knee around the pole again and falling backward to circle it.
I dismount, falling to my knees and crawling into the space between me and Specter until I’m between his legs. He watches me with hooded eyes, his arms crossed tightly like he won’t be able to not touch me if he lets them loose.
Getting to my feet, I walk Specter backward to a weight bench and push his chest. The song changes to “Dernière Danse,” the happy beat lifting the mood.
“What does it mean?” Specter asks.
“What?”
“Dernière Danse.”
I raise an eyebrow. “That’s pretty good pronunciation.”
He smiles, almost sheepishly, a side I haven’t seen before. “What does it mean?”
“The last dance.” I climb onto his lap. “It’s a sad song, even though it doesn’t sound like it. It’s about a girl who’s suffering but she still dances through it all.”
He nods, understanding the words I didn’t say. Yes, the song speaks to me.
“You’re so beautiful. I can’t get over it.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You know I’m not just talking about your face, right?”
Nodding, I whisper, “I know.”
Specter does that thing where he wraps his large hand around my chin, his fingers extending to cover my cheeks, and pulls my face towards his until our lips meet.
I practically melt under his touch, which is so disconcerting, but I don’t have it in me to put the walls back up and guard my heart.
I don’t know what that means, so I just give in to it and let this man kiss me like he’s possessing my soul.
“I have to tell you something,” he says softly, dotting a few brief pecks over my lips before pulling back slightly.
My chest tightens as that all-too-familiar sense of dread washes over me. “Okay.”
“It’s not bad.” His thumb brushes my cheek. “Just a plan.”
Clearing my throat, I sit up a little straighter. “I’m listening.”
“A couple of days ago I talked to my brothers about your situation.”
“They didn’t know?”
Specter shakes his head. “Just Wraith. I thought I’d handle it, but it’s taking too long so I wanted to get their opinions.”
Taking too long. Right. This is a temporary situation. Once my stalker is dealt with, there’s no reason for me to stay here.
“Hey.” Specter turns my chin to face him. “What did I say wrong?”
“Nothing. Go on.”
“You’re a terrible liar, baby. I saw the clouds move in. What happened?”
“Really, it’s nothing. I just remembered this isn’t where I live.”
Specter’s brow creases and he tilts his head slightly, looking at me like I turned green. “Uh, I’m not sure where you got that from, but it definitely is.”
“It’s not though. I have an apartment and this situation is temporary, until it’s safe for me to go home.”
“Who told you that?” He taps his finger to my temple. “Or did you just make it up?”
“I didn’t make it up, Specter. That was the deal.”
“Funny, I think I’ve been very clear about keeping you.” His breath fans across my face. “Is that what you want?”
“Can we go back to the part where you tell me the plan?”
“No. You can answer my question though.”
“What difference does it make?”
“Uh, all of it. What you want is the only thing that matters to me.”
How do I argue with that? I want to. Fuck, I want to. That defiant streak of independence pokes at me to assert myself, to put the walls up and insist I can take care of myself, but fuck me, I’m so fucking tired of taking care of myself.
“Colson,” he says. I gasp, my eyes meeting his. “Talk to me.”
That was it. The last shred of protection I had left. I’m all in now, and that means he can destroy me. I was never gonna walk away from this unscathed. I knew that. I might as well enjoy the fall.
“I want to stay.” My own words shock me, and I hold my breath waiting for Specter’s reaction.
“Good, because I wasn’t planning on letting you leave.”
My racing heart calms hearing his words. “You want to keep me?”
He nods, holding my gaze. “I thought that was clear, but if you still don’t feel safe and wanted, I have more work to do.”
“It isn’t you,” I whisper. “It’s….” I blow out a breath. “All this stuff that lives inside me. I don’t know how to make it go away.”
“You’re doing it, baby. Every single day, you’re shedding more of it and letting me in. You’re so fucking brave. I’m in awe of you.”
I don’t know what to say so I lean in and kiss his cheek. “Thank you.”
He studies me for a moment before saying, “Je t'adore, mon petit hérisson.”
My eyes go wide. “How… did you…” I huff a laugh, too stunned to speak properly.
“I’ve been practicing a few things. Just stuff I want to say to you.”
“You called me your little hedgehog.”
“It’s cute.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “Because you’re prickly. You’ve had to be, but you’re also cute as sin. If it bothers you though, because of your past…”
My eyes well with unexpected tears as my bottom lip trembles. “Fuck,” I whimper.
“What?”
“That’s, um, that’s what my mom said when they gave me the hedgehog stuffie. She said I knew how to stand up for myself but I couldn’t hide how cute I was.” I can’t stop a tear from escaping.
Specter wraps his arms around me, and as I press my forehead to his shoulder, I let myself cry for the first time in years. How did he do this to me? How did this man dig his way through my defenses and get straight to my heart?
“I hope it doesn’t make you sad,” he says.
I shake my head, lifting it to meet his gaze. “No. It makes me feel seen. Thank you.”
Specter wipes my cheeks with the back of his hand. His expression is intense, his eyes searching mine, lips parted.
“I’m in love with you, Colson.”
My jaw drops.
“That’s the only explanation for what I’m feeling right now. It absolutely has to be love, and if it’s not, I couldn’t handle feeling more than I do. I… Fuck, I would die for you.”
“I don’t want you to die for me. I want you to live for me. Stay with me. Please, fuck, don’t give me this and then take it away.”
“I won’t. Can I kiss you?”
I can’t even speak, so I just nod. Specter smashes into me, our lips colliding in a passionate dance as my body does its best to merge with his and I desperately claw at his shoulders.
He loves me.
And fuck, I believe him.
Is that what I feel? Is that the burning in my stomach, the giddy flutters in my chest? Does being in love also feel like dying? Is that good? Oh god.
Specter breaks the kiss before I’m ready, holding my face between his strong hands. “I’m going to find your stalker. We are. I’ll end it and then we’ll start our life together.”
“I think we already started.”
A slight smile tugs at his lips. “Fuck, I love you so much. I can’t believe it. I didn’t think I would recognize it if it ever happened to me, but here it is, clear as day.”
“I think… um… I don’t know if—”
He presses his fingers to my lips. “You don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready. I’m gonna be here, loving you with everything I’ve got until you are ready. Until you feel safe enough to love me back. I’ll wait.”
Yeah, no, he’s not real.
“Now, the plan,” Specter says, redirecting the conversation. “I’m tired of waiting. We need to draw him out.”
“Draw him out? Like, how?”
His expression hardens. “By doing the very thing I didn’t want to do, but I don’t see a way around it.”
I nod as it settles in. “I have to go to my apartment.”
“Seemingly alone, but you won’t be.” He squeezes my hand. “Shadow gave me a week to deal with this so I can focus all my energy on it. I’ll find him.”
“What will you do to him?”
“You already know the answer to that.”
“You’d kill for me?”
“There’s no limit to what I would do to keep you safe and happy. This stalker fucked with the wrong person, and he’ll regret it.”
A shiver runs down my spine, but for once in my life, a sense of safety washes over me, leaving me slightly breathless.
“So I made the right choice calling you for help?”
“Best decision of your life, beautiful.”
Studying his face, I drag my fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. “Mon tueur,” I whisper. “Mon rêve devenu réalité. Mon espoir.”
“I don’t know what you said, but I feel it. Can I call you mon petit hérisson or does it make you sad?”
“It doesn’t make me sad, Specter.”
He smiles, tucking my hair behind my ear. “I don’t think I knew what happy felt like until right now.”
“Same.” I run my hands down his arms. “Tu es chaud comme la braise.” I laugh softly, wondering where that phrase bubbled up from and remembering a movie I saw years ago.
“What does that mean?”
“Basically, you’re hot at hell.”
“I’ll take that.” He kisses my hand.
Blowing out a breath, I shake off the emotions running wild to focus on the problem. “When are we doing this?”
“The sooner the better. I’ll drop you off at your place and act like I’m leaving, but I’ll have plenty of eyes on the place. I’ll have three of the guys with me, so we’ll have you covered.”
“I should take a car service home so it looks like you’re not around at all.”
His jaw clenches but he nods. “Good idea. Wraith will go ahead and scope the complex out to make sure it’s safe before you return.”
“Okay.”
“And we’ll always be at Segreto. You won’t be alone. Not for one fucking second.”
“I know.” I brush my fingers along his stubble covered cheek. “Do you really love me?”
He nods, his intense eyes searching mine.
“I’ve never felt like this before, and it’s pretty fucking badass.
I knew you were special the moment I laid eyes on you, but I didn’t know you’d change my whole life.
Until you, I was on autopilot, my emotions on lockdown.
I don’t want to be that anymore. I like how you make me feel.
I want to make you feel like I do. Happy and safe.
Loved. Whether you say the words or not, I feel your heart. ”
My eyes sting again, but I blink back the impending tears, swallowing around the lump in my throat. The emotion is there, the words bouncing around my head, but I can’t find my voice to say them. It feels too raw, too scary.
“I told you I’m patient,” Specter says, clearly reading my distress. “Just keep being you. That’s all I want.”
“You’re amazing,” I whisper.
“I’m glad you think so.” He blows out a breath before kissing my cheek. “Want to do some cardio then sit in the sauna?”
“If you mean mess around in the sauna, then yes.”
Specter smiles. “That’s exactly what I mean.”