Chapter 4
CHAPTER 4
I couldn’t stomach another moment at the academy, especially after what Jax said about my dad and the dreams.
The nightmares.
Was he having premonitions about me? He said the dreams were drenched in blood, but that could mean anything. I was too quick to anger when he approached me today, but he was an asshole and certainly lived up to his reputation. I wasn’t about to spill my secrets to him. We’re natural enemies, and that tension was obvious when we were close to each other. It was as if our magic both called and rejected each other at the same time.
Once I was in the safety of my room, I let my hair out of the braid and sat at my vanity.
I squinted as the afternoon sun streamed through the steel gray curtains in my room and across to my reflection in the mirror. My teeth clenched together in a mockery of a smile as I practiced my relaxed, joyful expression, but the result was more of a grimace. I sighed, then let my face fall back into its new normal since summer began, the corners of my lips tilted downward.
I huffed, then crossed my arms over my chest. No way in hell was this smile going to fool her.
The knot in my chest only grew as I thought of the woman intended to be my caregiver since birth. I was my mother’s only child, meaning all her dreams had been placed heavily on me—and under that immense pressure I failed spectacularly. Well, at least in her eyes.
Since the start of summer, everything had changed. I had given up everything which used to be important, including my friends. The fracture in my friendship with Lalita was aided by my Mother.
My eyes burned as if I were on the verge of crying, but no tears ever fell. I toyed with a tube of lipstick my dad had bought me. He knew I loved them and would pick them up from the store on his way home. It wasn’t my color, but I loved him for trying. I couldn’t bring myself to give it away or throw it out, and I was glad I didn’t.
Since the day my dad died, I’ve changed irrevocably. The events of that day were permanently scarred into my memory. Mother had spent a good hour staring at my dad’s blanket, which she laid out on the bed. She touched the wool material and closed her eyes, clinging to the threads of him.
“What do we do now?” I had asked her, still unsure why I expected an answer. She blinked twice and let the blanket go, then walked out of her room in a zombie-like state.
The first week was the worst. I had never seen someone in so much pain. That was when the guilt trips started again. I escaped my mother’s clutches three years ago when I got accepted to Ghost Rose Academy. I showed my dad my acceptance letter and burned it. The risk of my mother finding it too great to keep as a memento.
My parents’ relationship was toxic at the best of times, but I know my dad loved her dearly. However, he understood how I ached to be free and encouraged my minor rebellions. If it weren’t for him, I would have never met Lalita or experienced true freedoms, even if it was only for a short while.
I turned, then stared at my bookshelf for so long the sharp lines defining each spine blurred into one, before I finally nestled into my bed. I pulled up my black quilted comforter until it reached my chin. My thin curtains didn’t block any of the light coming from the street. It was too early to sleep, but I didn’t care. I needed a head start; it took me hours of tossing and turning sometimes before I drifted off, and even then, it would be interrupted with nightmares.
In my dream that night, as always, the man was there, but this time the shadows didn’t conceal him from me. Instead, he stood with his back to me and stared down at a silver chalice. Surrounding it were candles.
I reached out to touch his shoulder and, to my surprise; he didn’t disappear. “Who are you?”
I stumbled backwards, and my heart raced as I steadied myself. “Jax?” I asked cautiously. Ridges of thick, pink scars covered the right side of his face, textured with pockmarks. A deep gouge replaced the socket where his left eye should have been, its edges jagged and black. I raised my hand toward his face, but then curled my fingers into my palm and lowered my arm to my side. Something about this version of Jax was more dangerous than normal.
“What happened to you?”
“It’s your dream,” he answered, but his voice held no inflection. “You tell me?”
I furrowed my eyebrows. We really were sharing dreams, or at least, having dreams of each other. It could’ve just been our conversation earlier that made me dream of him. “Is this real?” I asked, and as soon as the question left my lips, the room spun like a vortex and my chest heaved.
I jolted upward in bed and looked around frantically. I rubbed my temples and took a moment to calm myself down.
On the nightstand, Jax’s number sat crumpled. I grabbed it and typed the number into my phone. Hesitantly, I typed a message. What was I supposed to say to him?
Hey, Jax. I had a dream about you.
I deleted it, not wanting to admit he was right. Also, I couldn’t be sure if the dream was just because he’d planted the thoughts in my mind yesterday.
Fine. We can talk–Zellie, from the academy.
Ugh. I needed coffee desperately. Sometimes when I was in deep relaxation, the strange place between awake and asleep, I felt like the world was spinning so fast around me and my brain was locked within the swirling winds of a tornado.
I jumped, my hand flying to my chest. Lalita walked over and sat on my bed. The soft beach waves styled into her hair glowed with health. “Morning. I brought coffee.”
I raised a brow at her. “Letting yourself in the house again?” I joked, then yawned.
We sat in silence for a few moments and drank our coffees. My belly warmed with each sip I took. I leaned my head on her shoulder.
“I’m sorry I didn’t fight my mother when she banned you from the house this summer. I was barely surviving and living under her roof again made everything so much fucking worse. I…I should have known better than to fall for her manipulations.”
She huffed and rubbed her hand over my foot on top of the covers. “Oh, Z. I wish you’d just spoken to me. Anything would have done. Look, I’m here for you. I know everything feels a bit broken, but you’re my best friend. We’ve known each other our entire lives. You’re like my sister.”
My chest tightened. “Shit. I fucking missed you, L.”
I didn’t even realize I could still care. I told myself it was a good thing.
“Same. I just couldn’t feel anything for the longest time.”
Her expression set into a frown. “What do you mean?”
I swallowed hard. “Nothing. It’s just been a weird couple of months.
She pinched my pinky toe, then stood. “You can tell me more about it on the way to the academy.” Cool air washed over me as she tugged the blanket off me. “Come on, get up.”
I shook my head. “I really don’t want to face everyone again today. It was bad enough doing it yesterday.”
She rolled her expressive brown eyes. “Put your war paint on and let’s go face them!”
I half-smiled. I eyed my bat and spider web print makeup bag and sighed. “Fine.”
“I’ll go distract your mother while you get ready.”
My golden hair was so thick and long it was difficult to style. As always, I separated it into three sections and braided each before weaving each part into one thick mass. At least with it contained like this, it only brushed my lower back and not the floor.
I turned to my makeup bag, pulling out my black lipstick.
“Hurry!” Lalita shouted up the stairs.
“Yes! Coming.”
I grabbed my coffee.
“Have a good day,” Mother said, the rigidity of her smile so commonplace it almost appeared genuine. Honestly, it looked painful to hold that expression. She might’ve pulled off the emotion she was attempting to fool me with if it weren’t for the disgust harbored in her muddy gray gaze.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and eyed the message.
I’m glad you texted. However, I told you to call.
I quickly wrote back before Lalita saw.
Who calls anymore? Anyway, can I talk to you after classes today? Meet me at the bench by the woods.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him. Either way, it couldn’t hurt to hear him out.
I shoved my phone in my bag and walked outside. It was slightly warmer today than it had been all month. The sky was bright and almost clear, except for the odd scattered cloud. Birds were tweeting, and there was a cool breeze tickling my cheek. Whistling greeted my ears as my neighbor raked the red and brown leaves scattered across his lawn.
Lalita and I walked side by side in comfortable silence as we made our way to Ghost Rose.
“So…your mother said you’ve been going to a psychiatrist?”
“Doctor Roads,” I stated. “She’s okay, but she hasn’t really helped. I just needed help to get to sleep. That’s all.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I have no issues with you going to therapy, Z. In fact, I think it could really help you deal with the heavy burden of grief.” Lalita paused. “But did your mother find and schedule your appointments with Doctor Roads?”
“Naturally. You know she enjoys keeping me under her thumb in every way.”
Her body stiffened as she spoke her next words, “How do you know if you can trust that therapist? If your mother is involved, it could be extremely dangerous to keep seeing her.”
“Shit. I didn’t even think of that. I’ll skip my next appointment and then find a new therapist. “We walked for a few more minutes while I dredged up the nerve to ask Lalita for advice. “Listen, I need to ask you something,” I mumbled. I bit my lip, then remembered I had lipstick on. I cleaned my teeth with my tongue. “It’s about Jax.”
“Oh gods.”
“He tracked me down before class yesterday.”
“And?”
“Nothing really. He just wanted to get me alone to talk about something.”
“Z, he is a creep.” Lalita’s eyebrows drew together. Seriously, please stay away from him. The aura surrounding him is disturbing.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know, and I trust your witchy instincts.”
“Well, I know you. You’re attracted to all of that,” she said, while she fought the corners of her lips from turning up.”
I stopped; irritation tightened my skin. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She waved her hand. “Oh, come on, I just meant you’ve always been drawn toward people with the darkest intensions.” Lalita placed both hands on my shoulders, then squeezed them lightly. “I’m worried, is all. Nine times out of ten when you’re drawn into relationships with those types, it’s toxic as fuck.”
“Why, thanks Lalita,” I replied.
“What I am saying is you are not toxic. You are kind. Others take advantage of you. People like Jax .”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “But I’m sure he was just trying to find out more about my dad’s accident. What is it with everyone and their morbid curiosity?”
She shook her head. Her waves bounced around her shoulders. “Ignore them. They’ll soon forget about it when something new happens.”
I felt a knot in my stomach. Forget about it, just like he would be forgotten about. Pain radiated through my chest. I pushed the pain away into a deep, bottomless pit, along with my other emotions.
I decided against telling her about my texting Jax. She worried too much about me already.
We reached the gates. “I’m going to head out to meet Eleanore. We have a study date in the library.”
I nodded. “I’ll see you later.”