Chapter 16
Chapter 16
“ W hat were the girls giggling about when they were getting you ready?” he asked. They hadn’t seemed like they were making fun of her; they had seemed like they liked her.
“Oh, I was telling them a story.”
“What story?” he asked. She made him laugh, but seemingly nobody else. He was almost a little bit jealous of her newfound friendship with two random teenagers, and how sad was that?
“They wanted to know about us, how we met and fell in love,” she said.
“And what did you tell them?” he asked, curiosity now overriding his jealousy. The sun was warm and cozy, his belly full, and suddenly he was sleepy. He lay down on his back in the grass and tried to stare up at her, but the sun was too bright. Instead he patted the space beside him and she lay down next to him. They were parallel bars, stretched out, absorbing the sun.
“Obviously I had to lie,” she said, her voice tinged with guilt.
“Obviously,” he said. He reached for her hand, clasped it, and gave it a squeeze. “What lie did you come up with, super spy?”
She paused, then, “It was our story, just…embellished. I told them you picked me up from the airport and I felt…”
She paused again and he turned his head to face her. “What did you feel?”
She faced him. “ Koi no yokan .”
“What’s that?”
“It’s Japanese. It means the extraordinary sense upon meeting someone with whom you will one day fall in love.”
“Oh,” he said.
She smiled. “They liked that, thought it was very romantic.”
“So it is. And when did we fall in love?”
“It was a gradual process. First we were strangers, then we became friends, and then…”
“And then,” he prompted when she paused again. He wondered if she had drawn out the story suspensefully for her first audience. If so, he bet they ate it up.
“And then we realized our lives are so interconnected we could never untangle. We already belong. What was left but to make it official?”
His heart thundered…was she actually saying…did she mean…?
“Also they said you’re hot a bunch of times. That probably accounted for the giggles.” She turned her face away, toward the sun, and closed her eyes.
“I’ve reached that age where being called hot by fifteen year olds is more creepy than flattering,” he said, turning his face to the sun also. He tried to keep his eyes open, but it was too intense. He squeezed them tightly closed instead.
“I wouldn’t know the feeling. I’ve never been one of the pretty girls.”
He sighed, hating the way she made such sad statements with so little emotion. “Esther, you’re very pretty.” He gave her hand a squeeze for emphasis.
“You only think that because you’re my friend. You see me through a different filter. When we first met, you didn’t think so.”
“Not true, I did.”
She paused again and this time sat up to stare down at him. “Did you, really? Or are you trying to boost my self-image? Because I’ll know if you’re lying.”
Her hair was already popping free of its confinement. He reached up to tuck it behind her ear with no success. “No, you would never know if I’m lying because it’s what I do for a living. But I happen to be telling the truth. I thought you were very pretty in a wholesome way.”
“In a wholesome way. What does that mean?”
“The women I go out with, they’re different than you.”
“They’re pretty,” she said.
He hooked an arm around her and dragged her close so she was half-lying on his chest. “Shh, listen while I try to explain. There are hard people in the world and soft people. People like me, like the women I date, we’re the hard ones. We were born fighting a battle. People like you, soft people, have other people to fight for you. Do you understand?”
“Yes, except you’re wrong.”
“Which part?” he asked.
“You’re soft. A big, soft softie.” She turned her head, pressing her ear to his heart.
He chuckled. “Uh, no. Wrong. I’ve never sustained a relationship in my life, and I’ve ended them all in the cruelest way possible, ghosting out of women’s lives like they were worthless. A woman starts to cling, I disappear.”
“He said to the woman now clinging to his chest like a baby sloth.”
He rolled his eyes. “I can’t leave you. You’re the job.”
“Okay, Leo,” she said easily.
He sat up, wincing when his shoulder yanked painfully. “Stop. Stop getting attached to me. I’m going to hurt you. Do you not understand that? I’m going to let you down, disappoint you, break your heart.”
“Okay.”
He pressed his hands to his temples. “Stop saying okay. It’s not okay. I’m going to destroy you. You’re far too tender and na?ve. Pairing me with you was like siccing a wolf on a baby chick. You never even had a chance.”
She regarded him seriously a moment and then burst into a fit of completely unexpected giggles. Leo growled, got to his feet, and stormed away, her tinkling laughter echoing behind him.
He walked far and fast, until his shoulder stung so badly his eyes burned. And then he returned and sat down beside her. She was quiet now, staring mutely at the horizon. He stared, too. They both sat perfectly still, staring at nothing.
“There’s nowhere to go. I can’t get away from you,” he said at last.
“I know.” She slung an arm companionably over his shoulders and gave them a squeeze.
“I’m going to hurt you,” he warned. “I’m going to break your heart.”
“Okay, Leo.”
His sigh sounded frustrated, but really he felt at peace, the same oozing sense of peace he always felt in her presence. They sat in silence a few more minutes and then she rubbed a little circle on his back. “We should go. You need a nap.”
He scowled, wanting to argue that he didn’t need a nap. He wasn’t a toddler. But he yawned and ruined it. Suddenly, he was exhausted. Esther stood, clasped his hand, and pulled him up. Their hands remained clasped while they walked.
“Are we going to walk all the way back?” he asked. It was a few miles to her aunt and uncle’s house, on a hilly country road. He was exhausted thinking about it.
“Nah, we’ll catch a ride with someone. There must be a cousin around here somewhere.” She scanned the area, caught sight of someone across the road, and quickly faced away pressing her nose to Leo’s chest. Reflexively, his arm made a protective little cage around her shoulders, drawing her closer.
“What is it?” he asked, senses instantly attuned to danger. He hadn’t brought his gun, mostly because he was almost out of ammo. He hadn’t expected to feel threatened in this tiny Amish burg, but now that he did he felt naked without it. What kind of spy leaves home without his gun? The dead kind, that’s who.
“Nothing, shh. Maybe he didn’t see us.”
She had never told him to shh before. It must be serious. But before he could question her further, the man was crossing the street and standing in front of them.
“Esther?”
He didn’t look the same as all the Amish men around them. For one thing he wasn’t wearing a black jacket over his shirt. But it was clearly a homemade shirt, and he wore suspenders. Not trendy hipster suspenders, but old man suspenders, even though he couldn’t have been out of his twenties. He was tall and sort of doofy looking with a really bad bowl haircut.
Esther cleared her throat and peeled her nose out of Leo’s chest. She pasted on an unconvincing smile and took a breath. “Ruben. Hi. This is…” she motioned helplessly to Leo.
“I’m Leo, Esther’s husband.”
Ruben blinked at him, then turned his gaze on Esther. “You…you’re married?”
“It came about very quickly. There wasn’t time to…” she glanced away, biting her lip. “Sorry.”
“Another cousin?” Leo asked, preemptively knowing it wasn’t. Esther wouldn’t have reacted that way to family.
“No, Ruben is, um, was…”
“The man she was going to marry,” Ruben said.
“You were engaged?” Leo asked.
“No,” Esther said, while Ruben said, “As good as.”
“What does that mean, as good as?” Leo asked.
“It was intended, if never specified. For years.” Ruben ran a hand through his doofy hair, upending it. Leo supposed he should feel sorry for him, but something held him back, and it wasn’t because Ruben sounded jealous or proprietary. He would have expected that. It was more the incredulity. Somehow Leo got the sense that Esther had been taken for granted by this man, that she was a fallback, someone he always assumed would be there.
“Well, I guess you should have specified,” Leo said, easing his hand up to swipe his thumb on Esther’s neck. Ruben followed the touch, his eyes slamming down in a puzzled frown.
“How’d you meet?” Ruben asked.
“Work,” Esther said. “Leo’s my,” she paused and cleared her throat as his finger swiped over her neck again, “handler.”
“What’s that mean, handler?” Ruben asked.
“We’re partners, basically. Good cop and bad cop,” Leo said.
Ruben tipped his head like a disconcerted collie. “I thought you worked for some accounting firm.”
“Yes, but it’s a government accounting firm. Lots of secrets,” Leo said, pressing his index finger to his lips in emphasis.
Ruben stared off into the distance, arms crossed, flummoxed. “Do you need a ride or something?”
“Absolutely,” Leo volunteered before Esther could turn him down. He had no idea why he wanted to prolong the awkward misery of this encounter, except for his extreme annoyance with Ruben’s reaction to Esther. It would be one thing if he were heartbroken, but it was more like someone bought his prize heifer at the county fair, the one he’d had his eye on. There was no love in his eyes when he looked at Esther. In fact, Leo thought he saw a little bit of meanness, of superiority. Unless Leo was wrong, Ruben was a bully. A fact confirmed when he opened his mouth and spoke to Esther again.
“You look different.” His eyes scanned her up and down. The way he said “different” made it sound like, “horrible.” Esther pressed her lips together and glanced away, wounded, but Leo was having none of that.
“Amazing,” he intercepted. “I finally talked her out of the braid.” He meant it, Esther did look amazing, but it was more than the new clothes and the less-confining hairstyle. She was more open now, as if she was finally coming into her own, getting to know and like who she was. It was an amazing thing to see, to be a part of. Leo was always the one responsible for tearing a woman down. He had never been part of building one up before. But Esther was blossoming, and it was due in part to his tutelage, forcing her out of her comfort zones. By doing things that frightened her, she grew more confident. Confidence was always sexy, even in a Mennonite, apparently.
They followed Ruben to a truck. Leo glanced at Esther in question. No horse and buggy? Mennonite, she mouthed, and he got caught up for a second staring at her mouth. Most women he’d been with knew how to work it, how to make the most of what they had, how to appeal to men. Esther had no idea, none whatsoever, that slowly mouthing a word caused him to stare at her mouth and ponder what else it could do. Her innocence was both captivating and terrifying. Leo had no desire to be the man to take it away, to break it, to ruin it forever. It was too much weight, too much responsibility. Then again, someone would be that man. What if it was someone worse? Someone like Ruben who would bumble and bully it away, would terrify and traumatize her?
She vaulted up into the middle seat. Wearily, Leo climbed up beside her. He would have to reach out and pull the door closed. He hesitated; the action was going to hurt. Esther, preempting him without a word, leaned over him, far out the door, and pulled it closed.
Leo swallowed hard and turned his face to the window, willing away his body’s reaction to her. Smells good: check. Looks good: check. Feels good: double check. Off limits for all eternity: CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.
Esther, unaware as always, smoothed her hand over his leg and regarded him with a look of concern. He wondered what his face looked like at the moment, and if she would be convinced it was because his shoulder hurt. But of course she would be; she couldn’t read his mind, a good thing for everyone. He forced a smile and took her hand, mostly to stop it from smoothing over his thigh.
“How long have you been married?” Ruben asked, resentment heavy in his tone. Or was it incredulity? Did he suspect not everything between them was on the up and up? Leo, a liar by nature, decided to field all questions.
“Not long, a couple of weeks. We probably should have waited until her parents returned from Haiti, but I couldn’t stand it that long.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.
“What brings you for a visit?” Ruben asked.
“I’d never seen an Amish person in real life before,” Leo volunteered. “Fascinating. And it’s a bit of country life for us to explore. Soon we need to decide if we want to buy a place in the city or live in the country.” He turned his eyes to the window again, interestedly this time. It really was beautiful country. He’d hardly seen any of the United States, having spent so much of his career overseas. What would it be like to have a plot of land on one of these idyllic little roadways? “Maybe we should live here. I’m sure Esther would like to live close to family.”
She gave him the side eye. I don’t think so, she seemed to be saying.
“Eventually,” he added. “When you’ve been away from home long enough to miss them. Also, babies. Women want to be near their families when they have babies.” Where was all this coming from? He sounded like he had some idea of what he was talking about when, really, he had none. He had taken great care over the years to make certain he was never a father. What did he know about babies or families or commitment? Nothing, absolutely nothing. You are alone, have always been alone, will always be alone.
“I think you and I would both like to live far enough from family to have some autonomy,” Esther interjected, possibly trying to restore a bit of reason to his runaway mouth. Country lanes. Babies. Family. Fantastical nonsense. But as he stared out the window, he could picture it, could see himself living in one of those houses, being one of those people. What was wrong with him? He touched his hand to his forehead. No fever. The delirium must be from something else.
“So your dad hasn’t given his blessing,” Ruben said, sounding pleased.
“In a manner of speaking,” Esther replied
“In what manner?” Ruben asked.
“When he left me in the city, he left me in Leo’s care,” Esther said. Leo wondered if it was true. Hers had clearly been a patriarchal upbringing. She wouldn’t have found it odd to transfer care of her wellbeing from her father to Leo. But had her father actually done that? Had he dropped his wholesome, innocent, untested daughter in the city, in the care of an unknown man, merely because he was a man? Leo felt white-hot shivers of rage on her behalf. He could have been a psycho, a murderer, he could have abused her, abandoned her, hurt her in every possible way. She would have been far better on her own than she would have been with some men he knew.
Esther gave him the side eye again, and he realized his jaw and fist were clenched, knuckles popping. Esther was worth more than everyone in her world seemed to realize. She was not a piece of property to be handed off and traded. Not a breeder, not a problem, not an oddity. Why did he seem to be the only person who saw her true worth?
He could almost hear her answer in his head. Why am I the only person who is able to see yours? His head swiveled to the window again. Was it possible? Was he worth more than he realized, more than everyone who had ever known him understood? Or, another possibility, did they merely bring out the best in each other? Like true partners should. Holmes and Watson. Leo and Esther. It has a nice ring to it, he admitted, his gaze fastened on another country lane.