Chapter 12
Chapter 12
E ven in the midst of plummeting she smothered her yelp, not wanting to wake the children and alarm them. Instead Jordan braced herself for an impact that never came.
Strong arms tucked around her, taking the impact of her fall as they rolled, landing side by side and pressed firmly together.
“Hey, what’s up?” Gaines asked. His voice was husky with sleep because of course it was. Only a guy like him could be awakened by a clumsy female tripping over him and somehow turn it into a smolder.
“Nothing much,” Jordan said, still breathless from her near miss disaster.
Gaines laughed and laid his head down. On her shoulder.
Should I pet him? I want to pet him, she thought before quickly banishing the thought. If she began petting her husband’s friend’s head in the middle of the night, it would certainly be the final stop on the full psychosis train with absolutely no redemption. Instead she sniffed, inhaling his manly scent so it went to the very bottom of her lungs and sent tingles of estrogen all through her. Sniff him, that’s less creepy. Good thinking. Why don’t you reach over and snip a segment of his hair, really stick the landing.
It was just that he smelled so good and he was so warm and strong and Jordan was so tired and everything seemed like pure chaos all the time. It wasn’t that she was actually attracted to Gaines, not in that way. Was she?
“I’m sorry I kicked your spleen,” she whispered.
He laughed again and stifled it by pressing his lips. To her shoulder. As one does. When cuddled together on the floor. Of her bedroom. “Jordy, you’re a loon.”
Yes, there, that. Back to normal. Because absolutely no one could be having sexy thoughts compatible with being a loon.
“Gaines,” she began in a whisper. “I think I know what’s going on here.”
His eyes popped open and he stared at her, frozen. “You do?”
She nodded. “You feel sorry for me…since Jay. And I think it’s so sweet, you reaching out like this. But I’m doing okay, I really am.” Unable to resist, she reached out and smoothed her hand over his head. To soften the blow and make him understand I’m grateful, she assured herself. Not because his hair is thicker and more touchable than should be humanly possible. How has he not been in a conditioner commercial by now?
Gaines smiled until his eyes crinkled and then tugged her closer, snugging her tight against his chest as his face burrowed against her neck. “Oh, Jordy,” he murmured.
And now Jordan was a tad confused. His tone was exasperated, but his body was…not? “I’m a little confused,” she said slowly because, again, not complaining. His solid good-smelling warmth was the best thing that had happened to her in forever. “Are you snuggling me?”
He sat up slightly and stared down at her, looking uncharacteristically pensive. “Yes,” he said, but it came out like a question, with a slight upturn at the end.
Jordan nodded. “Right, right, sure, okay. It’s just…why, though?”
He bit his lip. He was a two hundred pound former SEAL turned spy and he was lying on her floor in he middle of the night biting his lip in uncertainty and Jordan didn’t think she had ever seen anything more adorable. It was like when a Great Dane accidentally brushed by a leaf and jumped away in panic.
Gaines cleared his throat. “The truth is, Jordan, that I, uh…I…” He stared at her, hopelessly lost, helplessly unable to continue.
He needs a rescue, Jordan thought, which was surprising but also sort of a relief. It wasn’t often in her life now that she got to be able to be the one lending a hand up. “Are you maybe having a hard time and cuddling helps?”
He nodded, latching on to her statement with palpable relief. “Yes, but also…” He took a breath and let it out in a huff, like Jay used to do when he was getting ready to lift a particularly heavy weight. “But also…” he tried, and then looked at her imploringly again.
“Also…” What? What did she know about Gaines? She put the pieces together, all the times he had picked up her kids and covered them with kisses, all the times he had hugged Jay and her goodbye and hello after a separation. And the light bulb went off. “Also you’re naturally affectionate and you like to snuggle.” How had she never understood that fact before? Gaines was a teddy bear, but of course he hadn’t snuggled her before because she had been married. But now he was using it as a form of affection to soothe them both. It made perfect sense.
“Yes,” he said, a puff of air that once again sounded like total relief. He nodded, his hands unconsciously gripping her tighter.
Jordan stared at him, reorienting her brain around the new normal. “So we’re…cuddle buddies now?” she tried, eking the words out slowly like a rope, in case she needed to yank them back.
Gaines nodded, relaxing a little. “I guess, if that’s okay? Is that okay? Is it too weird to be like this with me?”
He had to be joking. Had he seen him? He was possibly the most beautiful man she had ever seen in real life, chiseled jaw, ridiculous hair, full lips, ripped body. She had known him for thirteen years, seen almost every iteration of his personality, knew he was solid and dependable and good, down to his core. And he was asking if she minded horribly if they snuggled. She couldn’t help it, she snorted a giggle. And then, once the door was open, had no hope of stopping the others.
“What’s your brain doing?” Gaines asked because, truth be told, he knew her pretty well, too.
She shook her head, face pressed against his solid chest to try and push back the laughter. “I’ll try to manage, Gaines,” she choked, gasping for breath between near-hysterical laughter. “I’ll try hard to overcome my revulsion and touch you.” To prove her point, she slid her arms around his neck and shifted her face to his neck, fitting it in that perfect little spot men kept on reserve for women.
“Same, Jordy, same,” Gaines whispered, now smoothing his hand down the back of her hair.
It was so soothing, so gentle, so filled to the brim with tender affection that Jordan fell almost immediately asleep, her full bladder miraculously forgotten.
G aines woke first, which was a special sort of agony because it meant he had time to enjoy the moment of waking with Jordan beside him. Jordan beside him. His mind couldn’t quite comprehend that the thing he had denied himself from wanting so long had finally happened.
All those years ago, when Jordan and Shimmer were dating, he hadn’t been quite so magnanimous. There were times, many times, when he envied his friend. When he’d felt bitter jealousy, when he’d had dreams of pushing Shimmer over a short cliff. In an abstract sort of way, of course. He never really would have offed Jay. But that resentment had been hard to tame. And then they got married and it wasn’t fun and games anymore. Gaines was not the sort of man who wanted another man’s wife, and especially not his best friend. So he had worked hard to shove everything aside, to compartmentalize his feelings for Jordan, to rearrange and tame them into a workable friendship. And he had succeeded. Never once in the last twelve years had he felt that same sort of envy or resentment. Shimmer and Jordan were settled, a done deal. She was off limits forever.
Except now she wasn’t, and where was he to go with that? He felt like everything he had stuffed into that box so long ago had now sprung free and grown legs. But he had no idea what to do with it. He had spent so many years taming his feelings and thoughts and desires where she was concerned, always reminding himself what was inappropriate, that he now had no frame of reference for what was appropriate.
The kids were an easy matter. They would always be Jay’s, and Gaines would always love them as such. He had no thoughts about usurping Jay’s role in their life, only guarding and protecting it. He wanted the kids to know their dad, to understand the brave and upstanding person he’d been. He wanted to guide and nurture them like a true uncle, shepherding them safely into adulthood.
But Jordan.
Was it wrong to want her now again? Or rather still? Because his feelings for her had never gone away. They had been tamed into something manageable and appropriate, but they had never disappeared. But Jay was barely gone. Wasn’t it wrong to swoop in this way? Was he swooping if he was being invited? Maybe that was the problem. What were Jordan’s feelings on the matter? Of course she saw him as a friend; they had known each other and been pals for thirteen years. Right now she was mired in grief, but was there hope for someday? Or would Gaines once again have to try and box up his feelings for her and pack them away?
A shuffling sound alerted him. His head whipped toward the door and he smiled. Nash had apparently learned to get out of his crib and was now crawling toward them, about to enter on the threshold of the room. Would he be distressed by Gaines’s presence in his mother’s room? But no, he didn’t notice Gaines at all, so intent was he on reaching his target. Gaines didn’t realize what that was until he reached Jordan, lifted her shirt, and latched on.
Gaines thought his eyes were probably like saucers. He’d been in the room with Jordan when she nursed, but she had been discreet. If he hadn’t known she was nursing, he wouldn’t know she was nursing. Nash, however, had no concerns with discretion as he lifted his mother’s shirt and chowed down. Gaines got an eyeful and shifted his focus to the ceiling, blushing. Or maybe flushing. There was an image he did not need to see and would now be unable to get out of his head.
At least it answered one question for him: if Jordan rebuffed him, he would be unable to return to the friendzone. They were at an all-or-nothing point here, and that scared him as much as it made him sad. He could not, would not abandon her in her time of need. But if he told her he loved her, as he had tried to do last night, and she didn’t feel the same, he also couldn’t stay. It’s better to remain where I am, stuck in the in between. For both their sakes he would continue to linger in the gray zone. He would be a friend. He would take care of her. And he would keep his deeper feelings to himself, cuddle buddies or not.
Nash finished his breakfast and crawled away to play with the laundry basket, leaving Jordan completely exposed. Gaines didn’t mind. He really, really didn’t mind, but she would die if she woke up and realized what happened. Gently and without looking, he reached over and righted her shirt, pulling it down so she was completely covered. Then he used that same arm to dab his sweaty forehead. If he could survive being this close to Jordan and pretending to feel nothing more than friendship, he could survive anything. And definitely deserved some sort of medal, he added as Jordan curled toward him, nestling her soft curves against the entire length of his body.