Chapter 13
Chapter 13
W hen Jordan woke, she made breakfast. She felt more than a little confused and having something concrete to do made her feel better.
She had slept. On the floor. With Gaines. Nothing happened, but still. Was it weird? Or was it weird because it didn’t feel weird? It had felt natural. More than natural, it had felt nice. Jordan didn’t know if that feeling was particular to Gaines or merely the relief at having a man in the house again. With him there, she hadn’t suffered even a moment of fear. She hadn’t realized how fitful her rest had been until she had solid sleep again. After she lay down with Gaines, she had basically fallen into a coma, only waking when Charlotte shook her shoulder. Did Nash nurse on me when I was asleep? The uneven feeling in her body told her yes. When she nursed, she switched sides so she wouldn’t feel lopsided. After she woke she felt so lopsided she had to pump the fuller-feeling side, but how had she slept through that? More distressing, had Gaines?
He woke before she did and, to her surprise, remained lying next to her. Probably didn’t want to wake you. He’s polite that way. When Charlotte shook her on the shoulder, he offered her a chagrined smile.
“I tried to distract her, but she wouldn’t be dissuaded. These kids love and need their mama,” he had whispered.
“I…also…am,” she had whispered back, addled by the sight of him so near her face first thing in the morning. Not only did she not wake up coherent, she knew for a fact there was no way she looked as good as he did. Maybe no one did. Maybe he’d been genetically modified to wake up beautiful, a GMO SEAL, some sort of government experiment to save the world and make women feel bad about their under eye bags and belly pudge in one fell swoop.
Gaines doesn’t care how you look because he doesn’t see you that way, she told herself. She told herself again as she cooked breakfast, Gaines’s gaze steadfast on her as she moved. He seemed intent. She wondered why until he spoke and dispelled the mystery.
“Thanks for doing this, Jordy. No one cooks for me.”
Ah, food. Jay loved food, and so did all of his friends. It was their love language, especially anything grilled. Much like with dogs, if you give a SEAL a steak, he’s your friend for life.
“I’ll cook for you anytime,” she promised, smile slipping when Gaines regarded her with what she had come to recognize as his smolder.
“I’d like that,” he replied. His tone was even, but his eyes…
Jordan turned away, flustered, and promptly singed her hand on the edge of the pan. She hissed and shook out her fingers, intending to move on, but Gaines was beside her, already inspecting her hand.
“What happened?”
“Burned it a little,” she said, staring at him instead of her hand. He was concerned about her hand, her tiny little hand, and it was such an anomaly she couldn’t wrap her head around it. No one had taken notice of her small wounds since she was a child. Jay hadn’t been the doting type, and after the kids came along, Jordan naturally shoved down everything in favor of them. Stubbed toes, broken nails, and even burned hands fell so low on the priority list she barely noted them anymore.
But now Gaines was inspecting her hand like it might turn septic as he led her to the faucet and ran it under cold water. And the shock of it, both the water and the fact that someone was taking care of her, felt so good tears sprang to her eyes.
After the soothing water ran over it for a while, he dried her hand, patting it gently with the towel, then broke off a piece of her half-dead aloe plant and rubbed it over the wound like a salve. All the while Jordan stared at him, fascinated and gobsmacked. She had spent so much of the last decade keeping everything together, centering herself around Jay and his job and now the children. She had no idea until this moment how many pieces of herself she had lost.
Gaines finished his tender ministrations to her hand, looked up, and blinked. They stared at each other, frozen. Jordan swallowed hard.
“You’re good in an emergency,” she whispered.
“Sort of what they pay me for,” he whispered in return.
“Thank you,” she added.
He wrapped her hand in both his, swaddling it. “Keep it safe today.”
Jordan’s brain seemed unable to fathom a reply. When Jay died, she automatically added it to the things she would have to power through and endure. There was no time to mourn with two small children underfoot, one of whom still depended on her for literal nourishment. Jay’s parents and her mother flitted in and back out after a few days, returning to their homes far away. It never once occurred to her someone else might come along and help shoulder the burden, might pay attention to her , might try to take care of her. It was so unexpected and out of her comfort zone that her mind couldn’t seem to process it. So she simply stared at Gaines, seeing him anew, not as Jay’s best friend, but as her friend, someone she could talk to and count on.
She wondered if Gaines guessed a little of her thoughts because he brushed a finger on her cheek and gave her a reassuring smile. Jordan turned her head to the side so he wouldn’t see the tears that smile wrought, but too late because he dropped her hand and pulled her into an enveloping hug. His arms swallowed her, cocooning her against him. Her ear pressed to his heart and her arms slid around his solid waist and she released some tears, only a few, not enough to relieve the deep ache inside her. But enough to release a bit of the pressure that had been building since Jay’s funeral.
Gaines kissed the top of her head and rested his raspy cheek on it, and everything about the moment was so soothing. It was almost like taking a warm bath. Maybe better because she didn’t have to worry and wonder if the kids were okay. They sat calmly eating cheerios while Jordan received what was arguably the best hug of her life, if only for its restorative properties. But the fact that Gaines was solid and warm and smelled good didn’t hurt her feelings.
“You’re going to be okay,” Gaines whispered, rubbing a gentle little circle in the middle of her back.
Was she? She had no idea, but she trusted Gaines’s opinions on things. If she was truly in danger of falling apart, he wouldn’t placate her. Maybe he could see a future for her where she ceased to be on autopilot, where she could think and feel and function again.
“You’re nice,” she declared, tipping her head back to peer up at him.
“To you, for certain,” he said. He touched his nose to hers and they froze again, sharing another one of those what-is- happening-here gazes. This time they were interrupted by Nash who tossed his sippy cup of water on the floor, spilling it everywhere.
“My doggie will get it,” Charlotte declared and then, before either of them could stop her, shoved her stuffed dog’s face into the sopping mess. Then, realizing her dog was now soaked, burst into noisy tears and propelled herself at Jordan.
“And we’re back,” Jordan murmured. Gaines helpfully cleaned the spilled water and volunteered to keep an eye on Nash while Jordan tossed Charlotte’s dog into the dryer. After that she resumed making breakfast. They ate in peace, the sort of peace that comes from the comfort of being long acquaintances who already had a lot of shared meals under their belts. It was comforting and restorative, but at the same time poignant because Jay should have been there, eating and laughing with them. They both felt the lack, and yet the fact that they shared their melancholy brought even more comfort.
“I should get to work,” Gaines declared. He sounded as reluctant to go as Jordan felt to have him leave. With him there, she felt the security that had been lacking since Jay died. Now, as he put on his shoes, the gnawing ache of loneliness threatened to return with a vengeance, making it hard to breathe. Gaines paused, eyeing her in concern. “I could take the day off.”
She laughed and shook her head. “No, you couldn’t. You’d be thinking about it all day, feeling bad, wondering what was going down while you were here.”
She had him there. His life was basically his job, and it had become hard to separate the two. “I’ll be fine,” Jordan added, hoping she sounded more confident than she felt. I’m just tired, she assured herself. It had been a sleepless night after a restless few weeks. Of course it was natural to yearn when you were depleted. The more worrisome thing was that she couldn’t seem to put a name to what she yearned for. Comfort? Care? Security? Affection? She hadn’t had those things since Jay died, and some not for a while before.
Gaines reached out and clasped her hand, giving it a squeeze. His hand was warm and reassuring. She didn’t want to let go, when it was time to pull away, and that was concerning. Pull it together, Jordan. Gaines is not your security blanket. She made herself release him by focusing on securing her messy bun.
“Call me. If you hear anything, see anything, or for any reason.”
She nodded. She didn’t want to say she’d be fine again because it would sound untrue. And she did think she’d be fine, as long as she didn’t spend too long thinking about last night—about the man she saw or maybe hadn’t, about tripping over Gaines and then waking up next to him.
Belatedly she realized she was once again staring at Gaines who stared at her in return in what was becoming a common series of loaded moments. And then Nash intervened once again, tossing both his sippie cup of water and his handful of smashed cheerios onto the floor.
Gaines regarded the mess, gearing up to intervene, when Jordan put up a halting hand. “Go. Save yourself. Once you get sucked in, you’ll never leave.”
He stood and kissed her cheek. That’s what I’m counting on, he thought but was smart enough not to say.