Chapter 21
Chapter 21
C hildren could be a handy buffer, when you wanted them to be. Over the last three years Jordan had used them for that purpose often, when she was too tired or too spent to argue with Jay. She would keep the children nearby to spare them both from saying something they shouldn’t. It was strange to use the same technique now with Gaines. The children, who had been away from her for two hours, which was two hours longer than they were usually away from her, were happy to comply by clinging to her as much as possible.
Once they were safely tucked in the car Nash fell asleep, but Charlotte was happy to fill the silence with chatter over her new friend McKenna and “Mister Dawwen,” who, if her description was to be trusted, was every bit as good with children as Amelia had declared him to be.
Whenever Charlotte seemed to be winding down, Jordan asked her a question to keep her going. And when she ran out of questions, Gaines added a few. That was when her heart really sank, when she realized he was also using the children to fill the awkward silence her kiss had left.
Why, why, why had she been so impetuously stupid as to throw herself at him? Especially on the heels of a nice and heartfelt conversation. You are a ruiner; you ruin everything good. Her emotions had been all over the place since Jay’s death and couldn’t be trusted, but this was something else, something different. Her only hope was to appeal to Gaines’s mercy, to remind him she was off kilter and irrational and impetuous right now.
The pervading silence told her Charlotte had fallen asleep. “Gaines,” she began but didn’t get far.
“Home,” he declared, pushing the button for the garage. “We’re home. Sit tight, I’ll carry the kids.”
She watched as he did just that, carrying first Nash and then Charlotte into the house. She waited for him to come back and retrieve her, but of course he didn’t. With the discomfort now brewing between them he was probably already digging a tunnel and attempting a jailbreak from the house.
She eased inside and saw him standing in Charlotte’s doorway, watching her sleep. When she eased up beside him, he whispered.
“What if there really was a man in her room? What if he hurt her?”
“There might have been a man in her room, but I don’t think he hurt her. I probed her ever so gently to make certain she hadn’t been disturbed. No matter how many ways I tried, she kept insisting he only stood there, never said a word about touching.”
Gaines remained frowning fiercely into the room, plotting vengeance, Jordan was certain. The world he inhabited was different from hers, filled with retribution and swift justice. While she might theoretically say she’d harm anyone who hurt her babies, Gaines would make certain of it.
“Gaines,” she whispered, touching her fingertips lightly to his.
He jerked like he’d been branded and spun away. “I’m so thirsty. We should get drinks, the pizza will be here soon.”
He walked away from her. Jordan followed, whispering his name. “Gaines, wait, please.”
But he didn’t. So she jumped on his back, wrapping her arms and legs around him like a needy koala. It wasn’t dignified, but it got the job done because he paused, sighing in defeat. “Yes?”
“Please,” she pled. “Let me talk.”
“I can’t,” he croaked. They stood in front of the front door. Jordan could see their reflection in the floor to ceiling glass. Gaines looked as pained as they both felt.
“Please,” she said, a plaintive whisper close to his ear.
He closed his eyes. “What?”
“I’m so…”
That was as far as she got because he interrupted, spinning abruptly so she was in front of him instead of on his back. He gripped her shoulders, digging his fingers in so it might have been painful if she wasn’t in shock. “Please don’t apologize, please, Jordan. I can take anything but you apologizing for that kiss.”
She searched his features, unable to understand his sudden vehemence. In her mind she owed him an apology, so it must be some male issue of pride that demanded her silence. Slowly, tentatively, she rested her palms on his chest, choosing her words carefully. “I’m not sorry about the kiss, Gaines.”
Gradually his eyes met hers, some hope restored. “You’re not?”
She shook her head and offered up a smile. “That was a great kiss, epic, actually.”
“Yeah?” he said, shifting his grip from a clutch to an embrace.
She nodded. “But…”
“Don’t say but,” he urged, shaking his head slowly.
“However, I am sorry I did that without permission.”
He blinked at her. “That’s why you’re upset? You think I minded?”
She nodded.
He shook his head.
“Oh,” she said. Nervously she licked her lips. His eyes followed the trail of her tongue. “I’m very confused.”
“I imagine so.”
“Jay’s only been gone six weeks and he…” she started to say he wouldn’t have approved but quickly realized that wasn’t true. When they had discussed the very real possibility of his early demise, he had always stated he never wanted her to remain alone and in mourning forever. I want you to be taken care of, Jordy. Just find someone good who will love you and the kids the way I would have. No one could possibly do that better than Gaines, his best friend. “What is happening here?”
He took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. When he spoke, his words were measured, careful. “You and I are friends.”
She gave a nod of assent.
“We’ve been friends a long time.”
“Thirteen years,” she interjected.
“Jay’s death hit hard, for both of us.”
She nodded, feeling oddly disappointed. This was his way of letting her down easy. Of course. They were discombobulated and grieving, that was all this was. She knew, and yet it hurt somehow to hear him say it.
“And I think,” Gaines continued, but now her face was between his hands and he was kissing her eyelids, nose, cheeks and chin. Jordan made a ridiculous little sound, something between a sigh and a whimper, though she was too far gone to care. “I really think,” he added before kissing her again, this time on the lips.
Jordan stood on her toes, abandoning herself to the kiss, to him . Kissing Gaines was sublime and delicious and every other over-the-top adjective her brain could conjure. At some point she supposed reason might have returned, but they never got to find out because his phone beeped and then beeped again, with an urgency that couldn’t be ignored.
Gaines rested his forehead against hers, breathing hard. “It’s work.”
She gave a little nod, giving her assent. In the game of woman vs. work, she always knew the woman lost. She’d had thirteen years to learn the lesson, after all.
Gaines took his phone from his pocket and flicked it. The harsh light from the little device made Jordan realize how late it had grown. She needed to wake the kids from their late nap or they’d never sleep tonight. But instead she remained frozen as a creeping sort of numbness stole over her. She knew what was coming; she could tell from his expression.
“I have to go,” he said, regret and misery mingling with the pending adrenaline of a new assignment. There was never any dread when they had to go away, and maybe that was what hurt the most. The fact that it was so easy for them to leave when it was so hard to remain behind.
“How long?” she asked. Her tone sounded wooden. She didn’t want it to. It wasn’t the same as with Jay. She had no claim on Gaines; he owed her nothing. But it was a harsh reminder of the last thirteen years, one she was unprepared to feel so soon after that kiss.
“Open ended,” he said, meaning he would return after the assignment ended, whenever that might be. A day, a month, a year…who could know?
She looked away, unable to bear whatever her face might reveal in this moment. “Charlotte’s birthday…” As soon as the words were out she regretted them. He was doubtless being sent on a matter of national security and importance. Someone somewhere in the world needed him, but so did her little girl. She pressed her lips together and refused to say more.
Gaines’s misery increased. “I’ll try. I swear I’ll try, Jordy. Can you look at me?”
She dragged her eyes back to him and he winced. “I hate leaving like this.”
“It’s okay. I’m used to it.”
That made him wince harder. “If anything happens, anything at all, call the locals. That will alert Ridge. He or Ethan will come, okay?”
She nodded, trying to muster a smile. Navy Wife Rule 101: always send them off with a smile. I’m so tired of smiling, she thought, forcing herself to smile harder.
Gaines glanced regretfully toward the kids’ rooms. “I don’t want to disturb them. Will you kiss them goodbye for me?”
“Absolutely,” Jordan said, lips rubbery from all the smiling.
He crushed her in a fierce hug and she returned it, because she didn’t have to fake that. She wanted, no, needed him to understand that.
“When I come home, we’ll talk.”
“Yes,” she agreed. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, storing his scent the way she used to store Jay’s. “Hey,” she eased back and gave his lapels a little tug. “Take care of you, okay?”
“Take care of you,” he returned, leaning forward to kiss her cheek. She was glad for that, glad he seemed to understand she couldn’t do more than that right now. He stepped back and, after one more regretful glance, walked out the door.
Jordan made herself wait until his car started and drove away before she dodged to the bathroom and heaved into the toilet.