Chapter 14
Romeo
I think last night broke something inside me. It wasn’t a bad sort of break, but like, I felt some chains start slipping off me, chains that have been holding me down.
Is it too early to fall in love? Movies depict that love happens pretty fast. Beyond that, I have no other point of reference, so I’m not entirely sure this is what I’m feeling. All I know is that I want Julien to be mine forever. I’m pretty sure I’d do anything for him.
No one’s ever made love to me. Who knew that I’d still have some sexual firsts being a hooker? Julien’s changed everything. He’s upended my life in the best possible way. I feel like I can fucking breathe like never before. Every breath I used to take was toxic; now it’s fresh.
I wanted to cry again last night after we finished, but I managed to hold it all in for him. It was his special moment, and I wasn’t about to ruin it.
With my eyes closed, I blindly reach across the blanket on the floor to find it empty and cold. I sit up, yawn, and rub my eyes. The fire’s out, and the windows are closed.
After taking a piss and getting dressed, I grab a blanket and head outside. I expect Julien to be right there smoking and sipping coffee, but I don’t see him.
Maybe he took a walk on the beach.
The air is cool, so I pull the blanket tighter around my shoulders as I walk barefoot in the sand to find him.
There are a lot of people on the beach already, beachcombing, though there isn’t much to find.
Seagulls screech their songs as the sun rises, brightening the day, but the morning is still overcast. I take a deep breath of the fresh and salty air.
It smells so much better by the water than it does on Figueroa Street, where I live and work.
I wish I could stay here forever. Maybe when this is over, I can live by the ocean. I have no idea how much houses cost. They’re probably more than I’ll ever earn.
When I get closer to the water, I finally see him, or at least I think it’s him. He’s wearing a black hoodie, and his back is to me. The hood is over his head, but the body language says it’s Julien.
When I reach him, I look down and recognize the poof of dark brown curls spilling out from underneath his hood.
If he notices me, he doesn’t look. Something seems off.
I squat in front of him, but he looks away.
It’s clear he’s upset. He’s not crying now, but he has been.
They’re red-rimmed and a little swollen.
At least his bruises are yellowing now. He’s healing.
Before I can ask him what’s wrong, he says, “They never reached out to me.”
I sit down in the sand next to him, take his hand in mine, and rest my head on his shoulder. “Who?”
“Everyone. My parents, my so-called friends. I didn’t think they would, and I know they never cared, but you can’t help but have hope, you know? Hope that maybe you were wrong, not for Holt, though. He’s beyond redemption. Same with my mother. Still…”
“You hoped they would turn around and say they were wrong and that they love you.”
He lets out a trembling breath. “Yeah, exactly… You get it.”
“I was like that for a long time, hoping that whoever my parents were, they would come and find me, save me from my abusers. No one ever came. Eventually, I lost all hope and barely survived for years until…”
Julien pulls out of my grasp and wraps his arm around my shoulders. “Until what?”
“Until you.” I look at him, and he finally meets my eye. I rest my palm on his cheek, but I don’t lean in to kiss him, as much as I want to. “For the first time in years and years, I have hope that I’ll finally have a life of my own, to be free from Tito.”
His brow drops low, and he scowls. “Is that your handler’s name?”
I nod.
“Fucking bastard. If I ever come face-to-face…”
He leaves the rest hanging, but the danger crackling in the air tells me he’d try to protect me. Maybe I’m just putting my growing feelings onto him. I could be imagining it.
“I’m finally going to be free. No, not going. I am free. Right here. Right now. The moment you walked up to me, I became free, without even realizing it. That’s because of you.”
Julien’s head drops, and he looks away. “I didn’t do shit. It’s money my dad left me.”
God, I want to tell him I love him. Would he like that?
Would it make him feel better? But I hold back.
It doesn’t feel like it’s the right time.
Instead, I say, “You chose me. You chose to set me free when you didn’t have to.
No one’s ever bothered to care what happens to me after they fuck me.
You do, though. You care if I’m hurting or uncomfortable.
You care about consent. It’s… important. ”
Julien says nothing, staring out at the water, but his body is leaning into me as if to get even closer.
“What’s wrong, Sugar? You seemed okay last night. Is it because they didn’t call you?”
“That’s part of it.” He sighs and rests his head on mine and runs his fingers through my tangled hair since I haven’t brushed it yet. “Remember those mental prisons I talked about?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve been tearing them down, brick by brick, and every time I do, I hurt more.
I need to be free of them, but it’s painful, like I’m exposing myself for the first time, exposing my soul that I don’t want anyone to see.
It’s making me… feel things, like each brick removed hits me with some pain.
Psychologically, I understand why my mind is doing that, but it’s also suffocating.
I’m having to relive all the shit I’ve been keeping locked away just enough to get through life, to survive.
I’m starting to have memories I didn’t realize I had.
” He huffs a humorless laugh. “Well, it serves me right. I wanted to feel something again. This is the price I have to pay—my full psyche exposed.”
I’m not entirely sure what he’s talking about, but I think I get the gist of it. “I’m here. Cry. Scream. Get angry. I can hold your hand through it all.”
Julien covers his eyes with his hood when a sob escapes him. He tries to curl into me, but he’s also got a smile on his face, peeking through. “God… to be seen and heard… to be validated. Who knew it would be so powerful? So painful.”
Now that I understand. Julien sees me, too. It’s truly freeing, like you’re not so alone in the world. But it also hurts.
“I had a memory this morning after I woke up. God, I must’ve been… eleven? Before he raped me for the first time. I’d woken up to him spooning me in bed with his hand down my underwear. I… I’d forgotten that one.”
I curl back into him, anything to get closer and to be someone he can lean on. My knees are drawn up, and I’m a little cold even with the blanket, but I love having someone I can snuggle into. It’s comforting. It’s safe. I don’t say a word, letting him get out his pain.
“I’m going to miss the ocean,” he says, taking a deep breath of the salty air.
“What do you mean? I’m sure you can come back anytime.”
“Nothing. Know what I want to do today?”
I notice the subject change, but I ignore it. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, he shouldn’t have to. “What?”
“I want to check out the Hollywood Walk of Fame, get a tattoo, and some piercings. My friends never wanted to go. Too touristy. Fuck that. It’s still an experience.”
“I’ve been there a few times to… work. Tourists, like fathers getting away from their wives and kids, like to hit me up.”
“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” he asks dryly. “Well, this is for fun, not work.”
“What kind of tattoo do you want?”
Julien removes his arm from around me and pats his forearm.
“I want the phoenix rising from the ashes. I’ve had one planned out for a year.
” He grabs his phone from his hoodie pocket and scrolls through his images until he comes across a picture.
He aims the screen at me, and I scan it.
The tattoo is stunning. The bird is all black ink, but behind it is the shape of the same bird, but in flames. It looks like a watercolor.
“That’s beautiful,” I say.
“Right? It’s my rebirth. The start of my journey, which only I control. No one else.”
“I like that. It’ll look good on you.”
“Do you want one?”
I raise my brows to my hairline. “You want me to get a tattoo?”
“Only if you want one.”
“Tito will never let me—”
“Tito has no fucking say in your life. Not anymore.”
When he closes his phone, I say, “You’re right. Yeah, maybe I will. Does it hurt?”
Julien shrugs. “It might. I’ve never had one. I think after what we’ve been through, I’m sure we can take it.”
The sun is higher now, burning away the clouds and brightening the day. The water sparkles like diamonds, and the crowd is growing thicker. The water is rougher than yesterday, so there are surfers out there, too.
“What else do you want to do?” I ask.
He scrolls through his phone again and opens a notes app.
“Tonight, we’ll have a fancy dinner. Tomorrow morning, we’ll check out of the hotel and start our drive toward Arizona and the Grand Canyon.
We’re going to stay overnight at the San Bernardino National Forest, where we’ll camp.
We’ll also visit Palm Springs, Joshua Tree State Park, and more.
I thought about heading up to Las Vegas, but while I have a fake ID, you don’t, so there’s no point. ”
I nibble on his shoulder playfully. He glances at me with a small smile. “I’m up for anything you want to do. You go; I’ll be there.”
He winks at me with a crooked smile. He looks better already. I like to think I helped a little. “How are your walking legs?”
“Uhm, what do you mean?”
“Like, can you hike?”
“I have toothpicks for legs. What do you think?”
He snorts a laugh and kisses the top of my head. “Cute legs, but fair enough. We’ll pick some hikes that you can handle.”
Julien opens his phone again and does something on his app. “There, your bastard handler has been paid.”
I kiss his shoulder. “Thanks.”
“We’ll get you your cash while we’re out. Or I can pay your bank directly.”