Chapter 20 #2
Soon, I can hear the bubbling creek in the distance. It’s not far now. I’m sweating my ass off, so it’ll be nice to cool down.
We step through the break in the trees, hit by the sun again, with the mountains on the other side. The water is crystal clear and looks refreshing.
“Finally,” Jinx says. “I’m sweatier than a pair of nuts in bike shorts after riding for miles.”
“Gross,” Romeo giggles.
I look around and don’t see anyone. This is one of the few spots I found that is more secret and secluded. People generally go into the pools along the road, which have easier access.
I take out my water and drop the backpack.
After taking a large gulp, I toss the bottle next to my bag and strip out of my clothes and hiking boots.
I pull on my swim trunks behind a tree, then I hand a pair to Romeo.
Before I can give the swim trunks to Jinx, he’s already naked and getting into the water.
I quickly avert my eyes, wishing he’d stop doing that.
“Oh, my fucking god. This water is cold, but feels so good.”
“The creek is fed from the mountains, so it’s always cold,” I explain.
Romeo stands close to me after he puts on his shorts and holds my hand, looking at the water dubiously. “Is it deep?”
“Nope, you can easily wade in it, but it’s deep enough to submerge your body when you sit.”
He lets go of my hand and slowly walks into the water, carefully stepping over slick rocks. Jinx takes the opportunity to splash the hell out of him.
“Hey!” Romeo laughs and splashes him back.
Soon, there’s a water war going on between them.
I sit in the water, away from the chaos, and watch them.
The scene reflects their close friendship.
I bet they’ve taken care of each other over the years and held onto each other when they hurt.
I envy them in a way. I’d never want to go through what they did, but I wish I had a friendship like that, someone I trusted to lean on.
The rest of the day was fucking relaxing, free of stress and worry. Not once did I think about Holt, not since my nightmare this morning. However, Tito’s death made a frequent appearance throughout the day.
We explored more of the area, hit other rock pools, ate the sandwiches I brought, and explored some more.
After a quick dinner at a local hole-in-the-wall restaurant, we make it back to the house, where we shower and hang out in the backyard.
I start another fire in the pit, while Jinx jumps into the hot tub, thoroughly enjoying his new life.
He wasn’t part of my plans, but I’m happy I can bring joy to someone else’s life.
I sit on the outdoor couch as Romeo lies on it, resting his head on my lap.
I finger his silky hair, watching the fire pop, sending sparks into the air as if they want to be stars, too, but gravity and oxygen deny them.
It’s what I feel like sometimes. I want to fly, but life and circumstances deny me that sense of freedom, so I have to find another way.
“Have you ever wanted to die?” I ask quietly so Jinx doesn’t hear.
Sometimes I want to ditch my plans, find the nearest cliff, and do a nose-dive to the bottom to get it over with.
While I am finding my happiness and I love my time with Romeo, my loneliness and pain are still front and center.
In fact, the closer we get to our destination, the more I’m ready to be done with it.
I feel myself spiraling with flickers of memories I don’t want.
Things I buried so deep that they hadn’t surfaced until now.
I think, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m sticking with the plan and not ending it earlier because of Romeo. He needs this more than anyone.
Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t question my thought process or scoff at me.
He’s too thoughtful for that. We relate to each other too much.
“Yeah, a lot. There were days I wanted to take a knife to my wrists and just let go. But Tito… he had such a stranglehold on us. Even the thought of killing myself was terrifying, like he’d somehow stop me and beat me for it. ”
“Fuck, Cupcake. I know exactly how you feel.”
Romeo rolls over onto his back so he can look at me. His hair glows golden from the fire. The flames dance and reflect on his creamy skin.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell him. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told him that, but I plan on telling him every day.
“So are you.” He smiles up at me and touches my face.
“I think the last time I felt like I wanted to die was right before I met you, after that client beat me, then Tito abused and raped me. Those things hurt, but it was Tito who ordered me to tell people to hurt me and send him pics for extra cash. I felt… fucking subhuman. I know I was only a hole to him, but I felt even less than that, like a rock you kick down the street, then discard when you grow bored.”
I close my eyes as they begin to water. “I feel that down to my fucking core, like you’re just an object to people who’re supposed to love you.
My mom, stepdad, friends, girlfriend… None of them gave a shit and hung out with me only because they benefited somehow.
So, whenever I was beaten and raped by Holt, I knew I was nothing. I was a rock, like you said.”
Romeo brushes away a stray tear that managed to escape and drip down my face.
I open my eyes to see him crying, too. This trip was supposed to be about unfettered joy; instead, I find myself relating to a hooker with a big heart and emptying the pain from my soul.
Perhaps it’s good that I am, so when this trip is over, I can go with a clear mind, heart, and soul.
“But your dad loved you. He must’ve because you have such good memories of him,” he says.
“I only have a few memories, but he’s dead now, and has been for a long time.”
“Julien?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you… still feel like you want to die?”
“Do you?” I deflect.
“Not anymore.”
If I open my mouth, the truth will spill, so I say nothing.