Chapter 22
Julien
I didn’t tell Romeo, but I got Nutmeg for him so he wouldn’t be lonely when I finally left. Hopefully, Jinx will stick around, too. They seem pretty close as far as friends go.
When I got back from the store, Romeo seemed off, like he was sad and withdrawn, and I wasn’t sure why.
He’d been happy before I left. But after dinner, when we snuggled on the couch after I lit a fire in the fireplace, he seemed better.
Then, as we slept, he clung to me like a koala, which he tends to do, anyway.
This is also day seven of the trip. It’s been a week now. It feels more like seven months, which is a good thing. It means I’ve been enjoying myself for the most part. Laying myself bare to someone hadn’t been in the cards, but it’s also been freeing. I don’t feel so alone.
But in the past seven days, I still haven’t let Romeo fuck me. It’s a problem I hadn’t prepared for. Tonight, I’m going to try again and see how it goes. I trust him more than anyone in my life, so hopefully I can do this.
The early morning is chilly. I toss on my hoodie, slip on my sliders, and shove my smokes and lighter into my pocket while I grab Nutmeg’s leash to take her for a walk.
She was really good last night. Someone trained her, so she didn’t piss or shit in the house. I have no idea how old she is, but she looks young. She’s also a mutt. You can’t really tell what breed she’s mixed with. Then again, I know shit about dogs.
“Come on, girl. Let’s go outside.”
She comes bounding over, wagging her tail, as if she knows what I’m saying. Perhaps she does. I clip the leash to her collar, and she walks beside me without tugging.
After I light a smoke, we walk along the trail that leads down to the lake, but we won’t be going that far. I’ll bring her to the water later, and she can go swimming if she knows how.
I huff a laugh at myself. All this planning and preparing for a trip without a return, I hadn’t expected there would be four of us. It’s suddenly a little found family, and it’s good. Romeo will have someone to lean on. Not gonna lie, I kind of like it, too.
I stop at an overlook, careful with my ashes so I don’t set the whole woods on fire.
The area is so different from where we’ve been already.
It’s thick and green with pine trees; the lake below reflects the blue of the sky, the sun making it sparkle like diamonds.
Mountains surround the water like an embrace.
I bet it’s gorgeous when it snows in the winter.
In the distance, you can see mansions dotting the water. The house we’re staying in is larger than we need. It’s massive, but I wanted to splurge for this area. If I didn’t have a deadline, I’d stay longer.
Nutmeg licks my hand, drawing me back to the present. We walk on until she stops to do her thing, then we head back. When we’re inside, I feed her and give her some water.
“You’re such a good girl. I’m glad we found you.”
She wags her tail as she scarfs down her food like she’s never eaten in her life. As soon as she’s finished and sees Romeo, she rushes off, wagging her tail, banging it against the wall so loudly, I was worried she’d break it.
He comes out, rubbing his eyes and yawning. He squats and gives Nutmeg a little hug. “God, that bed… I’ve never slept so hard in my life.”
“It is a comfortable bed.”
“Not as comfortable without you, though.”
I walk up to him and kiss him before pulling him into a hug.
I just want to hold him for a little while.
He’s so warm and full of sleepy smells mixed with his sugar.
I take a deep breath of him as a sudden emotional trigger guts me.
I’m not sure why, but I’m consumed by emotions that make me want to cry.
Hell, there’s been a lot of tears on this damn trip from both of us.
Instead of letting it go, I take another deep breath and exhale slowly to calm myself.
This entire trip so far has been cathartic, but the pain is seeping out of me as if cleansing my soul. I hadn’t expected that, either.
After pulling away, Romeo sits on the couch with his unicorn while I make some coffee. He flips on the TV and says, “I want to see if there’s anything about us on the news.”
“Good idea.”
Not long after, Jinx comes out of his room, yawning and stretching like Romeo had. “Fuck, my body aches in places I didn’t even know existed. You make me exercise too much. Good thing the bed slaps, so I slept pretty good.”
I chuckle and slide a mug of coffee his way when he sits at the counter. “Exercise is good for you.”
“Pft… Good for me shouldn’t hurt so much.” He wraps his hands around the mug and shivers, then takes a tentative sip. “So, what’s the plan for today? More torture?”
I smile and shake my head, taking a sip of my coffee. “Today is about relaxation. We’ll go to the lake, float around, and see if Nutmeg knows how to swim.”
“Sounds like a solid fucking plan.”
As he scrolls his phone, I ask. “Do you have a bank account?”
“Just the one Tito set up. He didn’t want us saving money.”
“Yeah, I gathered that from Romeo. We’ll get you one.
I’ve already set up an account for him. You’re too young to set one up on your own, but I can do a joint thing with Romeo.
That means you’re going to have to go through your files to figure out who you are.
Maybe we can use your fake name and the social security number Tito gave you, but I’d rather have your legal names. ”
“Ugh, I know. I’ll get to it. Why do I need a bank account anyway? I don’t have a penny to my name.”
“You will. I filled Romeo’s account, and I’ll fill one for you. When I’m gone, you two will have the funds to live on your own.”
Jinx frowns and looks back at Romeo petting Nutmeg on the couch while going through the TV channels, before he glances back at me. “So you’re going through with it then?” he whispers.
My stomach instantly clenches. Does he know? How did he figure it out? Fuck, I have to backtrack.
Before I can stumble my way through a lie, he says, “Hey man, it’s your life, but it’s going to hurt Romeo when you leave. Where are you going, anyway? To college? See the world?”
I instantly relax and exhale the breath I was holding. “Yep. Unfortunately, I just can’t take you all with me.”
“What about staying?”
The thought of remaining here, living, suffering through nightmares, and reliving my trauma over and over sends a wave of panic through me. I’ve come to terms with my decision. There’s nothing left for me here.
Romeo is fucking special. He deserves the world. He shouldn’t have to hurt because I can’t let go. He needs a man who isn’t fucked in the head. I’ve thought about finding a therapist, but I don’t want to relive everything to some fucking stranger. I’m tired of it; exhausted down to my soul.
The thought of living on with everything Holt did to me and my mother’s utter indifference is too much. I can’t do it.
All that pushing me to succeed, win swim meets, get good grades, find the prettiest girl, have the most attractive friends…
it left me dead inside. It left me directionless.
Useless. Those decisions weren’t my own.
I’ve been a puppet to everyone around me.
Top that off with beatings and rape, and you’ve got the makings of someone who doesn’t want to be here anymore.
This trip has been the only thing that’s ever been in my control. Everything has been my decision. I need my freedom as much as Romeo and Jinx, just differently. Blackness will be my freedom.
“Hello? Julien?”
I didn’t realize I was spiraling, shit.
“You okay, man?” he asks.
“A bad memory hit. It’s passed.”
He eyes me for a moment, and I swear, he can see into my fucking soul or something. Not sure how someone so young seems so mature.
“Just be gentle with him. Romeo’s fucking special,” he says finally.
“I know he is.”
“Hey!” Romeo calls out. “Look, it’s the motel!”
Jinx and I rush to the living room and sit on the couch.
Romeo reaches for my hand and holds it as we watch on.
All that’s mentioned is that a man who ran a hotel has been stabbed to death. The police had a report that boys were living there, but the rooms were found cleaned out and empty, and any files in the office were missing, leaving them with no leads.
“Thank fuck,” Jinx says. “I’m so glad they ran.”
I rest my elbows on my thighs and run my hands through my hair. “When I started this, I didn’t stop to think that I would be tied to a fucking sex trafficking ring. God, I’m fucking stupid. I’m complicit in all this.”
I abruptly stand, walk outside, and light another smoke.
Perhaps I should speed up my trip. They can’t put me in prison if I’m dead.
There’s no way I’m escaping one prison only to be thrown into another.
I’ve made so many fucking mistakes during this trip, but saving Romeo’s life wasn’t one of them.
I couldn’t just sit there and watch Tito do horrible things to my cupcake.
“Bro…” Jinx says behind me.
“What?” I snap.
“Please tell me you didn’t use your real name and account to pay Tito.”
I shake my head and take a drag. “No, I had a special account set up for it all, still…”
“Have you deleted it?”
“Yeah, right after I paid Romeo last. Now, I’ll pay him directly from my personal account.”
“Good, and I have Tito’s phones. Sure, they can obtain phone records, but they won’t care about Tito. I’ll destroy the phones today, so that—”
I wheel on him as I run my hand through my hair. “How in the fuck do you know that? You’re just a kid.”
“I’m also fucking smart. Look, they found his body, right?
The boys are all gone, so there are no witnesses.
None of us has fingerprints on file because we had to be fucking careful not to get caught by the police.
All our activities were done in rooms at the motel.
Unless the boys were careless in packing up, which they weren’t, because the police have zero leads, then I would be worried.
But there’s nothing. And let’s say they find Tito’s phone records.
He may have been a fucking bastard, but he wasn’t stupid.
He’s had run-ins with the police before, and not once was he ever sent to jail. ”
It’s not that I’m worried so much about myself. Yes, I don’t want my plans to be derailed by going to prison, but I worry about Romeo and Jinx. They’re tied to this killing, too.
I take a drag of my smoke and exhale. “Okay. That makes sense. Thanks.”
Jinx smirks like an asshole, but I smile back. “Someone’s gotta talk you off the ledge. Jeez, dude.”
When I look up, I find Romeo standing in the doorway, hugging himself with worry splashed across his pretty face. I give him a reassuring smile, and he visibly relaxes.
He walks up to me and wraps his arms around my waist. “You okay?”
I kiss the tip of his nose. “I am now.”
At least, I think so.
I’m not in the mood to hang out at the few public beach clubs at Lake Arrowhead.
There are no other private beaches, but the house I rented has a private dock where we can sun and jump into the lake to cool off.
Romeo will probably freak out since it won’t be that shallow, but I know he’ll get in if I hold him.
We spread out our towels on the dock, and I dive right in. The water is crystal clear, so I don’t worry about hitting my head on something.
Once I come up to the surface, I whistle to Nutmeg. I’m not sure if she’ll respond, but her ears perk.
“Take off her leash, babe.”
Romeo removes it, and I clap to coax the dog in.
“Come on, girl. Come on.”
She stands, wags her tail, and lowers her head, sniffing and checking out the water. After a second of thought, she jumps right in.
“Good girl!”
She’s not very graceful, but her head is above water, and she seems happy.
I let her swim for a bit before I help her back up onto the deck after she managed to kick me a few times. Of course, she shakes water all over Romeo and Jinx.
Romeo just laughs, and Jinx bitches.
“Do you want to come in, Cupcake? The water’s perfect.”
He shakes his head as he dries Nutmeg off with a towel.
I don’t push him and dunk myself in the water, then climb out using the ladder, and shake myself like Nutmeg did.
“You suck!” Jinx snaps, making me laugh.
Romeo doesn’t seem to mind, laughing with me.
I lie on my back next to him, put my sunglasses on, and take his hand. Our forearms are raised as our fingers explore each other, while he pets Nutmeg, who’s on the other side of him, sunning and drying off.
Water and the sun on my skin always calm me.
Even if I was pushed into swimming, I love it, not as a sport, but to have fun in.
It doesn’t matter if it’s the ocean, a lake, or a creek.
I love it all. Despite my near freak-out earlier, I’m now relaxed.
Touching Romeo helps, too. He grounds me. I have no idea how, but he does.
“Your nail polish is almost gone,” I tell him.
“Yeah, I’ve been picking a lot of it off. It’s a habit. Painting my nails also keeps me from biting them.”
“We can get some polish at the store. I’ll paint them for you.”
He covers his eyes with his free hand and looks at me, smiling. “Thanks, but I think I’ll leave it off now. I haven’t had the urge to bite them off since I met you.”
I smile back and kiss the back of his hand.
“I want to try again tonight,” I say.
“You sure? We don’t have to.”
It’s funny how in such a short time, Romeo knows me so well. He knew exactly what I was talking about.
“But I do, though. We’ve been on this journey for a week now. I want to try at least.”
“Okay.”
“Are you two talkin’ about sex?” Jinx asks.
Romeo looks over at his friend and sticks out his tongue. “None of your business.”
Jinx scoffs. “Definitely sex.”
I just hope I can do it before the trip is over. It’s one of the main things I had planned. Getting my bodily autonomy back before I go is everything to me.
As if knowing my fear and stress, Romeo whispers, “You can do this.”