Chapter 23
Julien
I wish I weren’t so nervous about tonight. It’s not fucking fair. Holt stole so much from me and replaced it with lifelong suffering that I can’t live with anymore. He took any sense of control I had, along with my identity.
I never once thought about killing Holt and my mother. All I could think about was leaving. Running. While killing Tito was horrific, I wish now I’d killed them, too. Who’s going to arrest me if I’m dead? All I can do now is wish for them to have horrific deaths when their time comes.
When I started making my plans last year, I assumed that if I could just find someone to make love to me, to be inside me, I’d reclaim a part of myself, but I’m not so sure now. Maybe I can’t erase all that’s happened, but this moment will give me back a little bit of power.
As I take a shower after cleaning myself out, I channel my inner-Romeo. He’s suffered as much as I have, if not more. He can have sex without freaking out. I can do it, too, dammit!
I step out of the shower when I’m done and dry myself off. The mirror is foggy, so I wipe away the moisture, exposing terrified eyes, still yellow and purple thanks to Holt, but the bruises are fading.
“Romeo will never hurt you,” I tell myself in the mirror. “You trust him. You don’t need to be scared. It’s just sex. Consensual sex. Sex that I asked for.”
I quickly brush my teeth, roll on some deodorant, and wrap the towel around my waist. With a deep breath, I leave the bathroom and look for Romeo.
Jinx is in the kitchen, training Nutmeg to do some tricks with treats. He looks up when he senses me. “Romeo’s outside in the back,” he says.
“Thanks.”
I open the French doors and step out onto the deck, then walk the few steps down to the stone-paved patio, when I stop in my tracks. I catch my breath at the vision before me, and for some reason, my stupid eyes leak.
No one has ever thought about making sex romantic for me. I’ve never been very romantic myself. But I am now.
Romeo has a fire going in the pit, making the area warm and inviting.
The moon is full, casting a blue glow outside our warm bubble, as if the spot were our safe space.
He’s piled comforters and blankets on the ground, surrounded by flickering candles far enough away so we don’t set ourselves on fire by accident.
He also has a bottle of wine chilling in an ice bucket.
Romeo doesn’t see me yet, since he’s sitting naked on the little bed he made and is staring out at the lake in the distance.
With a deep, shuddered breath, I drop my towel and sit next to him.
“This is… fucking amazing, Romeo. You threw off my game for a minute,” I laugh self-deprecatingly. “I’m kind of in my feels right now.”
He has his legs drawn up to his chest, resting his cheek on his knees with a gentle smile on his face. “Thanks. I thought this might help with the anxiety.”
I lean forward and kiss his bare shoulder. “You’re so sweet, baby. I don’t know why I’m acting like an idiot over it. I guess sweet moments can hurt when you never get any.”
“We don’t have to do this, Sugar.”
That’s all I need to push myself. His offer of consent is everything. He did that for me last time, too, but I hadn’t been ready yet. I am now.
“I do have to do this. I also want to.”
I finger his hair back, which is showing more dark roots. What does he look like without the silver? I bet he’s beautiful no matter his hair color.
“You nervous?” I ask him.
“A little.”
“I’m throwing the consent right back at you. If you can’t or don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”
“I want to do this for you.”
Romeo reaches for the open bottle of white wine and pours me a glass. Then he pours himself one. “I’ve never had wine until I met you,” he says.
“It’s an acquired taste, like all alcohol.”
“I thought maybe it’d help relax you.”
We clink our glasses and take a sip.
“This is really pretty, baby. It’s already helped me chill the fuck out.”
When we finish our drinks, we place our glasses down and sit there awkwardly for a moment. We’re both switching roles, so it takes some getting used to, I suppose.
I lean into him and press my lips against his. The kiss starts slow and soft, but soon burns, full of hungry mouths and desperate tongues. Our fingers explore and tug at our hair.
I fall onto my back and take Romeo with me. His body lies on top of mine, and we continue to kiss.
When I’m ready for him, I ease him back by his shoulders. “I’m ready.”
“Do you need me to work you open?”
I swallow and nod. “Yeah, I didn’t do any of that because I want to feel you doing it.”
“Okay. Hold your legs back for me.”
“You don’t want me on my stomach?”
“No, we’re going to do things differently for your first time.”
“This isn’t my first time,” I remind him.
“That doesn’t count. That was abuse, theft, and assault. This time it will be out of love.”
Love. God, I wish that were true.
I nod, and with shaky and clammy hands, I pull my legs back. It’s so fucking vulnerable, but not as bad as it was the last time. I think it’s because I can see what’s happening as it happens. It helps that I know Romeo more, too.
He pours lube into his hand and dribbles some over my hole. I lean my head back on the pillow and close my eyes.
“Breathe through it, okay?”
I nod.
“And tell me to stop if you can’t take it. No shame.”
I nod again.
“How can you do it after everything?” I ask.
“I’ve already told you that I was groomed for this at a super young age. It’s as familiar to me as breathing. But…”
I lift my head to look at him. “But what?”
“This sex we’ve been having? It’s the first time I’ve really enjoyed it. Who it is matters just as much as consent, I think, at least for me.”
I shut my mouth and try to shut my rioting mind up, to let myself feel Romeo. Not Holt.
He presses the pad of his finger to my hole, and I instantly want to clench and stop, but I don’t.
“Ready for me?”
“Yeah.”
He eases the tip of his oiled finger inside until it’s all the way in. I exhale and try to keep the muscle loose. He’s in. It’s just a finger, but it’s more than I could do last time. Silver linings and all that shit.
The longer he works me open, taking his time, the more I relax. Romeo continues to check on me until he’s three fingers in and I’m ready and loose.
“Next time, I’ll rim you. That’ll get you nice and relaxed, but I wasn’t sure if you were ready for that yet. It feels fucking good, so I think you’ll like it once you’re comfortable.”
“Sounds really nice.”
He hasn’t removed his fingers yet when he leans in and licks a stripe up my cock, which is only semi-hard. Then he swallows me down to the root. Between his fingers, the pressure, and his mouth, I get harder.
Romeo suckles the tip before popping off me and sliding his fingers out. He wipes them on a towel he brought and pours more lube into his hand, spreading it over my cock. After another quick wipe on the towel, he opens a condom wrapper, plucks it out, and rolls it on.
My heart hammers again, and my stomach dips, but I’m not nearly as panicky as last time. Still, my cock gets soft again.
I chuckle a humorless laugh. “I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay hard.”
He hovers over me and smiles. “You will. I’ll do whatever I can to make you come. If you don’t, then you don’t. I’ll suck you off later, or you can fuck me. Try not to stress yourself out.”
I nod quickly and smile nervously. “Sounds like a plan. Thank you for that. It helps take some of the pressure off.”
He cups my cheek and kisses my lips. “Tell me when you need me to stop. You won’t hurt my feelings, okay?”
“I know. I will.”
“And definitely tell me if it hurts. Don’t forget to bear down.”
I nod for the gazillionth time.
Romeo rests one hand on the back of my thigh to steady himself as he pushes the tip of his cock against my ass.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and when he pushes in, I exhale and bear down. He’s not huge, so he slides in, right to the root. It burns a little, and I have to breathe through it, but he’s in. He’s in, and no one’s panicking. I can do this.
“Look at you, Sugar. You did it. I’m so proud of you.”
I crack my eyes open and smirk. “You make it sound like I passed an algebra test or something.”
“You did pass a test, though, right? Your test to yourself.”
“I suppose I did.”
“As I said, I’m proud of you. Now, set your feet down and give me your hands.”
He threads our fingers together and pins our hands on either side of my head. He pulls out partway and sinks back into me. Romeo takes his time, not moving fast or hard, giving me time to get used to him inside.
“How’s your mind?” he asks.
“I’m okay—good call on facing each other. Seeing your beautiful face helps a lot. You also don’t feel like him. Yeah, so far so good. That doesn’t mean my head isn’t trying to go to that place, but I’m able to silence my thoughts enough.”
I like looking up at him, his hair spilling forward, glowing in the amber of the fire. Again, he reminds me of an ethereal elf.
For the first time in my sorry life, I’ve reclaimed a modicum of control and power over my body. Romeo did that for me—my stunningly beautiful Romeo.
He moves faster and harder now, his cock grazing over my prostate; a warm pressure courses through me, and something I never got a chance to experience before. It pulls a groan from me, and my cock is finally getting hard.
Romeo rolls his hips and does it again, watching for any sign of discomfort on my face.
My body fills with heat, and the pressure tingles along my spine and surrounding my groin. My heart is thumping hard, not out of fear this time, but from being turned on and my growing feelings for Romeo. He’s also silencing my pain and fears.
His eyes slide closed, and his lips part as he feels his own pleasure, no doubt. Without thinking too hard, I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him deeper inside. His eyes burst open, and he grins.
“I’m… ah… getting close,” he pants. “Stroke yourself. I’ll fall over if I… do it. I’m not as… strong as… you.”
He frees my hands, and as he starts to pound into me, I grab my oiled cock and stroke myself. Now my body is flying high. Between the pounding on my prostate and masturbating, it won’t take me long.
“I didn’t think this would feel… so good,” he breathes.
“I didn’t either.”
My hand is moving fast, my balls are tight, and Romeo is hitting me just right.
I explode out of nowhere. It happened faster than I expected. Cum shoots out of me, spattering my stomach and chest. My ass clenches around Romeo’s cock, and he cries out.
“Fuck… so tight,” he gasps.
I let go of my dick, falling limply against my stomach, and the familiar numbness takes over. Soon, I can feel his dick swell and burn inside.
He belongs there, in me. If anyone owns my body, it’s Romeo. I’ll hand it over to him on a fucking silver platter.
After he comes, he falls on me. I wrap my arms around his back, the skin cool and clammy from the night air and exertion.
He wraps a curl of my hair around his finger and plays with it as he breathes heavily and his heart pounds against mine. Eventually, his cock slips out, forcing him to sit up and make sure the condom came out with it.
He tosses aside the tied-off rubber, grabs the towel he’d used earlier, and cleans up the cum from our skin, then he lies back down with me.
Romeo lies on top of me again, treating his body like a blanket. I smile and hold him. His head rests in the crook of my neck, and I inhale his sweet, coconut smell mingled with sex.
The emotions are getting a bit overwhelming for me, but fuck, I don’t want to cry again. I’ve done enough of that. This is supposed to be a happy moment.
“Thank you for this gift,” I tell him. “It’s as precious as you are. I’ll never forget this. You’ve helped make me feel just a little more whole than I was before.”
He responds by squeezing me tighter and tugging on my hair, but he says nothing else. He doesn’t have to.
Romeo feels right. He’s perfect. I’m sure I’d burn the world for him. I can’t deny my growing feelings either.
After tonight, he has me questioning everything.
The first slivers of doubt are intrusive, and I’m fucking resistant. He doesn’t love me. I have to remind myself of that.
Can I live with my trauma if I stay? Can I handle it while being with someone I care about?
He’s better off without me. He doesn’t need a client to hold him back. I’d like to think we’re more than that, but what the hell do I know?
Still… for the first time in my life, he’s managed to erase a sliver of my pain. For that, I will be forever grateful, no matter how long that lasts.