Chapter 24
Julien
It’s early morning when we hit the road to Palm Springs. I just want one day to check out the area, and especially go up on the aerial tram to the top of the desert mountains.
As we drive, Jinx is finally going over his file in the backseat.
“Ugh, my name is Tyler? Who the fuck names their kid Tyler? It sounds like the latest toy company.”
Romeo giggles, and I smile. “Tyler is a fine name,” I say.
“The hell it is. I’ll stick with Jinx, thank you very much. At least that fucking bastard gave me a cool name.”
“You could’ve been called Kyle or Carl,” Romeo laughs.
“Or Francis,” I chime in.
“Y’all suck. Yeah, no… it’s just as bad.”
I look at Jinx in the rearview mirror. “What’s your last name?”
“Grigore. Tyler fucking Grigore. The last name’s kinda cool, I guess. What is it?” He reads on and says, “I’m from Romania. What the fuck Romanian parent names their kid Tyler? Couldn’t she have called me Vlad or something? Jeez.”
“Did they come to the US?” I ask.
He keeps reading and nods. “Yeah, my mother came here a couple of years before she had me. She was in college and took care of me for about a year before she… Oh. She died. Bummer.”
“Sorry, man.”
He shrugs. “I mean, I don’t know her, so… Anyway, it says here she was raped and impregnated. Awesome. Not only am I named Tyler, but my dad is a rapist. I’m so fucking glad I opened this shitty file.”
Romeo reaches toward the back and takes Jinx’s hand as Nutmeg licks them both. “I’m the product of rape, too. Sorry, Jinx. None of us deserved what we got.”
I look in the mirror at him again. “Do you have a real social security card in there? Birth certificate?”
“Yeah, that’s something at least. Can I get my fucking name changed permanently to Jinx? Is that a thing?”
I thought Romeo would want to change his name, but he seems to have no interest in doing so. I guess that applies to Jinx as well.
“Yeah,” I tell him. “It’ll take some work, but you’ll need to call the state you were born in, fill out some paperwork, and shit.”
“Good. I refuse to live my life as Tyler.”
I shake my head and chuckle. “There are worse names. It’s really not that bad. In fact, it suits you.”
“I’m never talking to you again.”
My laugh bubbles over, and I snort. “Big baby.”
It’s nice to laugh. I’ve not only been doing a shit ton of cathartic crying, but laughing. So far, this trip has lived up to what I wanted when I first started planning, even more so. I didn’t expect a kid and a dog, but I’m not complaining.
At least I have a name now so that I can get him a bank account. Romeo will have to co-sign it since I won’t be around. He should change his name on his account, too, if he wants.
Two hours later, we’re at the rental. It’s not as large as the last place, but it’s sleek and modern with a stunning pool.
“I’ve never seen so many rich people in one place in my life,” Jinx says as we drive through the quiet neighborhood, tucked on a hillside.
“This is all I’ve ever known,” I reply. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”
“Says you, who’s always had money. You wouldn’t be able to do this trip without it.”
“Very true.”
Jinx has his nose pressed against the glass. “Fuck… look at that golf course. It’s green as hell. How, with no water out here?” He taps Romeo’s shoulder, who turns around to face him. “We’d make bank out here, Rome. They’d pay a shit ton for us to fuck.”
“No selling yourself, Tyler. Not while we’re on this trip.”
“Have it your way,” he sighs.
We pull up to the white-painted house, get out, and unload the car.
“We’re only here for one day,” I tell them. “We leave in the morning to visit Joshua Tree National Park, then make our way straight to Phoenix, which will be a longer drive.”
Romeo grabs a bag of groceries as I unlock the front door. “What’s the plan for today? It’s still pretty early.”
“I want to take the aerial tramway to Mount San Jacinto State Park. The view is supposed to be fantastic.”
We walk inside, and I look down at Nutmeg on her leash. “Well, that was the plan, but dogs aren’t allowed on the trams or in the park.”
Jinx slides by me and dumps his bag in the foyer. “I can stay here with her. I want to chill anyway. There’s too much hiking for my taste. You and Romeo can do your romantic thing or whatever.”
“Thanks, man. I wasn’t sure I could snag a third ticket. I had to buy these in advance.”
After we got the car unloaded and the groceries put away, Jinx put on his swim trunks and went outside to the pool with Nutmeg.
“Go with him, babe. I need to make a private call.”
Romeo frowns, but nods and leaves.
As soon as the door is closed, I call my lawyer, who’s been handling everything for me. We chat for a few minutes before I give him details about Romeo and Jinx. I first make some adjustments to my will, then I call my accountant.
Everything is set. Both men tried to talk me out of my financial plans, but they can get over it. They have no idea about what’s really going on.
After some charitable donations, Romeo will get eighty percent of my money, and the rest will go to Jinx after I’m gone.
Both will be comfortable financially for the rest of their lives, unless they blow through it.
Even if they do, I’ll be long gone and won’t know anyway, but I hope not.
I hope they invest in their future, and I’m fucking happy to give them one. They deserve it.
I step up to the French doors and watch Jinx splash around with Nutmeg in the pool. She probably shouldn’t be in there, but I can’t be bothered to care. Romeo is sitting on a lounge chair, watching and laughing.
I love observing him unhindered. Most of his bruises are gone, exposing the creamiest skin, except now he’s got a splash of pink across his nose and cheeks from all the sun, and the rest of him is starting to darken slightly.
Thank fuck I could let him have sex with me. It ended up better than I’d imagined. He removed some of my anxiety over it, and I wish I could give him more than money for it.
My sleep last night was dreamless. No nightmares.
It was complete nothingness, a hint at death.
Holding him each night in bed has done wonders for my loneliness, too.
Who knew how hungry I was for affection until Romeo came along and offered it so freely and fearlessly?
Kindness and affection are avoided where I come from.
They’re a sign of weakness. All I see is strength in him.
Sensing me staring, he looks up, smiles brightly, and gives me a little wiggle of his fingers.
I smile back with the sense that I’ve known Romeo my entire life. Like this is my real life, and my past was just a nightmare that never really happened. It’s a nice feeling.
Romeo and I take the aerial tram up the mountain with a large group of tourists. The large car, hanging on thick cables, slowly turns to give us a 360° view. It’s all desert, but the afternoon is clear, and you can see for miles and miles. In the far distance, in the valley, is Palm Springs.
Romeo’s hands are on the glass, fascinated by the scenery. “I’ve never been so high before,” he breathes. “My stomach feels gross, but my mind is excited.” He looks back at me with his wide, mismatched eyes. “Is that weird?”
I press my front against his back, wrap my arms around him, and rest my chin on his shoulder as I look at the view with him. “It’s not weird at all. It’s just a little vertigo.”
He looks behind him, and I kiss his lips. People are staring at us, but I have zero fucks to give them.
“Thanks for bringing me here, and like… for all of it. I’m not sure I can ever tell you enough.”
“It’s also for me, but you’re welcome. Thank you for sticking it out with me.”
And he has. I know for certain he’s not here only for the money.
He’s here for me. It’s reassuring to know there are people out there who aren’t takers, users, and selfish losers.
Some are pure, like Romeo. It doesn’t matter whether Tito tried to soil him or that he’s a hooker.
He’s a pure fucking angel. Everything about Romeo exudes goodness.
The ride is short, only about fifteen minutes, if that, and we get out. The area has gift shops and a couple of restaurants.
We get seated at a table right next to the expansive window, overlooking the view. It’s stunning, especially when you reach the top and are surrounded by pines and crisp air.
“It’s a little hard to breathe,” he says as he scans his menu.
“Yeah, it’s the altitude. Just make sure to drink a lot of water.”
After our server takes our order, I look out over the horizon in the distance.
“How’re you feeling?” Romeo asks.
I glance back at him and take his hand. “I’m doing alright.”
He plays with my fingers and looks at me under long bangs, which I reach and tuck away so I can see his pretty eyes. “Just alright? You don’t like your trip?”
“I love this trip. It’s everything and more. I wish I had time to explore other places, but you’ve made it incredibly special.”
I gently rub my thumb over the broken chains on his wrist. My gut twists unexpectedly.
Doubts about leaving him behind hit me again.
I’ve been so certain about my plans for over a year.
Nothing could sway me to change them—not until Romeo.
He threatens to undo the entire thing, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.
It also terrifies me. I don’t want to live with my trauma anymore.
Not one bit. I’d have to if I stayed. I don’t know if even Romeo is enough to keep me here.
Whatever I decide, I need to think long and hard, then act quickly.
“How do you feel after last night?” he asks, breaking my intrusive thoughts.
I pretend to wiggle in my seat. “I still feel you.”
He giggles, and a cute blush spreads to his ears. It’s fucking adorable. “I’m not used to being a top, but I had fun, too. I’d do it again just for you.”
“Thank you for pushing through your discomfort for me.”
Romeo suddenly frowns and glances away to look out the window before looking back at me with his thick, dark brows sitting low. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
Romeo holds up his wrists. “I would do fucking anything for you.”
The sudden emotions knock the wind out of me, and my eyes water. No one has ever said such a thing to me. I’m sure no one’s said that to him either.
I cough away my pain, but it doesn’t work.
“Excuse me.”
I stand and rush to the bathroom. When I burst in there, I’m grateful it’s empty.
I turn on the faucet and splash cold water on my face, but it doesn’t work.
I grip the counter with a wet, dripping face as my eyes spill tears.
I wanted to feel shit when I started this trip, now I’m feeling too fucking much.
The crying is starting to get on my nerves.
Romeo’s words should fill me with relief, and they do, but they also hurt. All my life, I’ve wanted to be told I was enough, that they’d fight for me, protect me when I needed it. But there was no one.
I quickly turn away when I hear someone walk in, but it’s not a stranger. Long fingers with chipped black fingernail polish grab my arm and make me turn around.
“Come here,” he whispers and pulls me into a hug. “Why are you upset?”
“I’m not sure.”
Romeo doesn’t invalidate my feelings. He doesn’t tell me I’m overreacting or push me to talk. He just holds me, and I hold him back.
This is the moment where I’ve reached a crossroads. I’m in a place being torn in two different directions: a traumatic life or blissful death.