Chapter 29
Romeo
Two more days.
I’m freaking out on the inside, but I’m being calm on the outside for Julien. I don’t want to stress him out. Still, I’m trying desperately not to imagine my life without him. He’s become everything to me.
We’re lying in bed, and I’m clinging to him after he’s had one of his nightmares. Nutmeg jumped into bed with us when he started crying out. She’s resting on his legs as I watch him sleep, now calm, and his breathing is steady.
Where are you going, Sugar? I ask in my head.
Why do you have to leave me?
What are your plans once you’ve moved on? You won’t tell me.
How can I convince you to stay?
I’ve racked my brain, coming up with ideas on where he’s going. Nothing comes to mind other than he wants to keep going without me. It fucking stings. I’ve tried to be good enough for him, but he’s made no move to change his mind.
If he’s going to college, why can’t I go with him? I can stay close by in an apartment or something. Maybe I can find a job now that I have all my paperwork. I could take care of him while he studies hard.
If he’s moving to another country, why can’t I go, too?
There are only three scenarios left that make any sense.
Julien doesn’t want to live with me, which feels like stabbing a knife in my heart after all we’ve been through.
Or he’s going to take his own life, which explains why when he said that he’s going to a place he can’t take me.
Or he’s dying and hasn’t told me, like he’s got terminal cancer or something.
I definitely can’t come with him then, either.
Suicide doesn’t make sense to me. Why drag me with him if he’s only going to end his own life?
What would be the point? Would he be that cruel?
Would he take me on this amazing trip, just to kill himself and leave me behind to pick up my shattered remains?
No, I can’t see him doing that. And while he does seem depressed, it’s normal after all we’ve been through.
I get like that sometimes, too. We even talked about suicide, but he never admitted that he wants to do it now. But why would he?
It’s driving me fucking crazy.
The only scenario that seems more likely is a terminal illness. The trip and his having a last bit of fun before he dies makes sense to me. Maybe he’s off to some special hospital… like one of those places you go to when you’re about to die.
God, I hope not. I think that would kill me. But that’s something completely out of his control… and mine.
I’d rather take the first option. It would fucking hurt if Julien didn’t want to stay with me, but it would also mean he doesn’t die.
I want to ask him, but it feels wrong. If he wanted me to know, he’d tell me, right? Yeah, he would. He tells me everything, like his pain, mistakes, dreams, wishes… Maybe he won’t tell me about the illness because he knows it’ll hurt me. He’s trying to protect me. That would be so like Julien.
Yeah, it’s probably a terminal illness. He hasn’t been eating as much, he’s getting dark circles under his eyes, and his sleep is getting worse. In fact, he barely ate the sushi last night and spent most of our meal feeding me.
My eyes burn and start to water. I don’t want to fucking lose him. I finally found happiness and freedom. I found love for the first time in my life. Why should I go on without him when he dies? Can I? Am I strong enough?
Julien is my everything. He’s my soulmate. I just know it.
If he doesn’t tell me the truth on the last day, I’ll make him tell me. What do I have to lose? Everything and nothing.
I gently brush Julien’s curls away from his face with an ache in my heart that has me gasping for breath. His hair is tangled and frizzy from his restless sleep, but he’ll make it beautiful and soft later.
His face is all scruffy since he hasn’t shaved in a couple of days. It looks good on him, makes him look older.
I blink back the growing tears. No. No more crying. It’s time to be strong for Julien.
He stretches and rolls over, but he doesn’t wake up. Nutmeg shifts with him. I’ve noticed he’s also been sleeping more.
His back is exposed to me, and I reach for the scars, gently touching them, mapping them out in my memory.
I close my eyes, but a shift in the bed makes them pop open. Julien’s waking up.
He rolls back over to me and gives me a sleepy smile with his eyes still closed. It makes my heart beat faster. I love his smile. I don’t know how he smiles if he’s dying. Would I find happy times if I were in his shoes? Could I smile? Laugh? I’m not sure. It’s always why I’ve ruled out suicide.
“Mornin’,” he says thickly.
“Hey.”
“We’ll have a chill day, okay?”
I nod, kiss his forehead, and head to the bathroom to piss and clean up. If I don’t leave his presence, I’m going to fucking lose it.
It’s lunchtime, and we arrive at Old Town in Scottsdale.
We brought Nutmeg since it’s a dog-friendly place.
I can’t get over how good she is as she walks next to me without pulling on the leash.
Someone trained her well. I feel bad that she lost her parents, but I’m grateful we get to give her a new home.
Home.
I need to start thinking about that and where I want to live. We’ve traveled to so many really nice places. Maybe I can keep traveling or something. Then again, I don’t want to blow through my money.
Ugh, I hate thinking about my future, especially without Julien in it. I guess I’ll have Jinx and Nutmeg. That’s something, at least. I adore them both, but it’s not the same as being in love.
Julien walks ahead, smoking, and looking sexy as hell in his shorts with muscular, tanned legs. I never noticed until now that they’re slightly bowed. So cute. He wears a lime-green polo shirt that looks so good on him.
The area looks fun, with tons of shopping and places to eat. We stop in front of a restaurant with a large outdoor patio where dogs can hang out.
The host seats us, and we look through the menu.
“Aww, look, they even have a doggy menu,” Jinx says. “Fucking adorable.”
“I love that,” Julien chuckles and pats Nutmeg’s head. She looks up at him with her tongue out and smiling. Or it looks that way. Not sure if dogs can smile. “How about it, girl? Do you want some lunch? A little bacon? Some scrambled eggs?”
She wags her tail and puts her paw on his leg. He pets her again until our server comes to our table and takes our order.
Julien orders a draft beer with his fake ID, and we all order burgers and fries.
After our server drops off our drinks, I take Julien’s hand and play with his fingers. Jinx sits across from us at the table, watching and observing. I swear, sometimes he can see through to your soul.
“How about some shopping today?” Julien asks after he takes a sip of his beer.
I put on a fake smile to be happy for him. I have to remember that it’s not all about me. “Yeah, sounds fun.”
“I wanna cowboy hat. Do they sell hats here?” Jinx says.
Julien nods and chuckles. “They probably do. Do you want one, too, baby?”
“Maybe.”
When my burger arrives, I find that I’m not hungry anymore, but I try to eat for Julien. The last thing he needs is to worry about me.
After lunch, the day was fun, actually. I chilled out and tried to enjoy myself.
We bought cowboy hats, which I really liked.
I bought a stupid cactus T-shirt and a cactus mug.
We got Nutmeg a cute bandana to tie around her neck that’s also covered in cactuses.
Julien didn’t buy anything for himself. Then, we had a light dinner.
While Julien is showering, Jinx and I sit by the pool. I’m drinking a root beer, while he snuck some of Julien’s tequila.
We lounge in the chairs as the sun starts to set.
“I think he’s dying,” I say to Jinx.
He takes a sip from the bottle and sets it on the ground.
“Yup, that’s my guess, too. I’ve been trying to figure out the point of this trip and why he refuses to take you with him.
At first, I thought he was a dick for leaving you behind.
But it’s clearer now. I can tell that he’s really into you.
You’re not here just as a hooker. You’re his partner. He adores you.”
“I love him.”
“You should tell him that.”
I lean my head back on the chair and close my eyes. “I want to, but I’m afraid.”
“I get that. I’ve never been in love, but after all the shit we’ve been through, it’s hard to understand what it feels like to care about someone. It’s hard to see it as something more than temporary. Julien isn’t making it easy on you, either.”
I say nothing as I sip my soda and pet Nutmeg’s head.
“He’s been hurt like we have, hasn’t he?” Jinx asks.
“Yeah.”
“Now he’s dying. Life fucking sucks, dude. You suffer for most of your life only for it to turn around and say, ‘Sorry, but I’m going to end you now.’” I can tell he’s staring at me in my periphery, but I don’t look back. “You think it’s cancer or some shit?”
“I dunno,” I shrug.
“He looks kinda sick, too, doesn’t he? His eyes have been getting dark circles, more than his fading bruises.”
I nod, and my eyes water. I don’t want to think about losing Julien. “Yeah, he hasn’t been sleeping well or eating much, but he’s also sleeping more, if that makes any sense. I’ve been trying to be brave for him.”
“He’s a good guy. He saved us, man.”
I look at one of my wrists. They’ll be more of a reminder of Julien than my past life as a sex-trafficked boy. It will hurt every time I look at them after Julien goes. Maybe in time they’ll make me smile, but not yet.
The back door opens, and I stiffen, but when Julien kisses the top of my head, I look up and behind to smile at him. “Hey.”
He holds up a bag. “Care to give me a facial?”
Jinx snorts. “That’s what she said.”
Julien and I both groan and laugh.
“Anyway, that’s my cue. I’ll take Nutmeg for a walk.” Jinx pats his leg as he stands. “Come on, girl. Let’s go for a walkie.”
When we’re alone, Julien sits cross-legged across from me on the lounge chair, looking freshly shaved. I sit up and dig through the bag, pulling out cleansers and creams.
“I can do it myself, but I like it when you do it,” he says. “It’s soothing and relaxing.”
“Yeah, I don’t mind. It’s fun.”
I take a couple cotton pads, drench them with toner, and swipe them across his skin, all the while he never stops looking at me.
“I never get tired of looking at your eyes,” he whispers.
“You have pretty eyes, too.”
“They’re boring.”
I scoff as I squirt some skin brightening serum over his skin with the dropper. “They’re far from boring. They’re so dark, and you have really nice, thick lashes. And your eyebrows sit low and sexy.”
He smiles softly and presses the pad of his finger to my chin. “I really like this, too. Who knew I’d be hot for a dimple in the chin?”
I smile crookedly as I run my fingers across his face to spread the serum evenly. Then I pump a general moisturizer onto my hand, dotting it on his face and spreading it around, too.
While it soaks in, Julien puts his hand behind my head, gently takes a fistful of my hair, and pulls me forward. His eyes still haven’t left mine as our lips hover closely. Then he erases the tiny gap between us and kisses me.
That’s it. That’s my fucking breaking point, of all things. Tomorrow is our last full day before he leaves me. A sob escapes me, and the tears spill, but Julien doesn’t pull away. He lets me cry while we still kiss. Then I feel hot tears on my face from him.
When we come up for air, he pulls me into a fierce hug as I fucking bawl on him.
My fingers cling to the back of his shirt, and my body practically convulses while I get snot and tears all over his T-shirt.
I don’t cry quietly. It’s loud and guttural.
But I don’t have to tell him why I’m so upset. He knows.
“I’m going to fucking miss you, too, baby.”