Chapter 30
Julien
The two-hour drive to Sedona is quiet. Romeo and I hold hands while I drive. Jinx is sleeping in the back with Nutmeg. I wish we could roll down the windows, but it’s hot out, not as hot as Phoenix was, but hot enough.
Romeo stares out the window, resting his head on it, watching the desert hills slowly give way to taller cliffs before the canyons start to form.
The dirt is red, and the desert is alive with green.
Other than that, there’s little else to see.
I can’t even remember when it rained last. It hasn’t rained once since we’ve been on this journey.
“Make sure that wherever you end up, you find Nutmeg a veterinarian, okay?” I tell him.
Romeo ignores me.
I squeeze his hand, but he pulls away from my grasp.
“Cupcake?”
“I heard you.”
I place two hands on the wheel and focus on the road, but it’s hard to. His pulling away fucking stings, but I also understand why. He’s hurting. I’m hurting.
Fuck, I’m supposed to be relieved that it’s almost over. At this point, I’m barely thinking about myself, but worried about where Romeo will end up and if he’ll be okay. My only consolation is that he’ll be with Jinx and Nutmeg.
After last night and the sobbing, I know he’s going to miss me. I’d miss him, but I’ll be in total blackness for eternity.
I’m still fucking torn, making me almost sick. I can’t sleep or eat, and I’m having nightmares every night. Holt’s been haunting me for days. I’m breaking apart, piece by piece. All my trauma is coming to a head, and I’m going to explode from it. It’s why I haven’t backed out of my plans.
I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.
I wish I were as strong as Romeo and Jinx, but I’m not.
Holt and my mother fucking broke me. They succeeded in ruining my body and mind.
Murdering someone didn’t help my mental state either.
Romeo is the only thing that’s holding me together.
He’s my glue, but even that’s starting to fracture.
Romeo sighs heavily and looks at me. “Sorry,” he says.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Absolutely nothing.”
I’m sorry, Cupcake. I’m sorry for dragging you along on this journey with me. It was unfair of me to put you through this. Now, you’re going to hate me when this is all over, and perhaps that’s for the best. I love you, but life hurts too fucking much, too much to stay.
I talk to him in my head, but I can’t say the words. I can’t apologize to him or tell him what happens after. He’ll know soon enough. He’ll be upset at first, then miss me, and eventually resent me. I can’t face his pain because I’m a fucking coward.
Fuck, I’m a bastard. My mind has been at perpetual war with itself for days. I hadn’t lied when I told Romeo the other night that I wasn’t a good person. That I was selfish. He doesn’t know the extent of it yet.
One thing I can do for him is make our last night together fucking epic. This is the only time I wish Jinx weren’t here.
“You should see what I have planned for tonight,” I tell him.
“I hired a service to set us up for luxury camping. There will be a real tent. Inside will be luxury accommodations with a comfortable bed, rugs, and pillows, and outside will be a place to have a fire and everything. I also ordered a telescope so you can check out those constellations up close.”
“Sounds amazing,” he whispers, still not looking at me, but he blindly reaches for my hand again. I hold and squeeze it with a sense of relief.
“I ordered a smaller tent for Jinx and Nutmeg, too. It was last-minute, but they accepted it.”
“What about Jinx?” Jinx says, yawning.
“That we’re going camping tonight. You’ll have your own tent.”
“Uhm, like real camping? Like roughing it and shit?”
“It’s much fancier,” I assure him.
“How do you piss and shower?”
I chuckle and look at him in the rearview mirror. “They provide portable showers and toilets. We’ll have our own private ones in each tent.”
“Then sign me up! I’m not a camping-in-the-wild kind of guy.”
“Don’t worry, neither am I.”
As we get closer to Sedona, we drive on the Red Rock Scenic Byway. It really is gorgeous out here.
“Look at the rocks out there. They look like they’re painted, right?” I ask. “Layers upon layers of rock and dirt through the ages make them look like that. Those are what they call the ‘museum without walls.’”
“They’re really pretty,” Romeo says quietly.
I pull into the parking lot of a restaurant when we reach the town of Sedona. We take Nutmeg with us since it’s a dog-friendly place, and get a seat at a table outside, overlooking the cliffs and trees. A breeze filters through, keeping us from sweating too much. It’s stunning.
I order Nutmeg some food and a bowl of water while I sip on a beer. I’m not really hungry, but I order a salad anyway.
Once I get my food, I just pick at it. I have zero appetite.
Sometime next week, my lawyer and accountant will receive all the details about my death and where to find my body.
At that point, they’ll call Romeo and Jinx to discuss my will.
Will they show up? I don’t have any other plans for my money if they don’t.
Does it matter? Maybe I should call them with a contingency plan, like donating it to a place that protects trafficked kids or something.
I explained in the letter I dropped off yesterday that they can do whatever to my body.
Just no funeral services. They can cremate me and sprinkle me in the garbage for all I care.
It won’t matter to anyone. Maybe to Romeo, but I don’t want him to dwell on me.
I want him to move on. I want him to find someone to love.
Maybe he can have a family if he wants. He and Jinx will be set for life, and then some.
Romeo’s happiness and future are all that matter.
Romeo’s barely eating either. He’s clingy, too.
He’s nibbling on a fry while holding my hand and resting his head on my shoulder.
Jinx is watching our every move, but I ignore him and look out at the scenery.
He’s probably figured shit out, but I wonder if Romeo has.
I doubt it. He’d tear me a new asshole if he knew the truth.
“How am I to get to where I’m going after tomorrow?” Romeo asks out of the blue.
If I tell him I’ve also left my car for him, he’ll figure shit out. “I have transportation arranged for you all.”
“What time are you leaving?”
“Around afternoon time,” I lie. I don’t tell him I’m leaving before sunup.
I want to see the sunrise over the canyon.
We’re staying at a campsite by the South Rim for the best view.
I paid the company to set up our camp somewhere private.
I had to pay a pretty penny for it. Money fucking buys everything.
All the money I’ve spent on this trip, and I haven’t even made a dent in my trust fund. Looking back, I get why Mom was upset that she didn’t get anything. Dad could’ve shared, but since he hadn’t, she must’ve been pretty bad to him. Or he didn’t trust her to take care of me. That’s more likely.
Lunch and the drive toward the campground were filled with even more silence. Now, I understand the oxymoron that silence is deafening. I’ll make it up to Romeo tonight.
It takes us over two and a half hours to reach the campsite. Finally. It’s almost done.
We’re greeted and led to our tent by a staff member who works with the luxury camping company. The sun is starting to set, but it’ll be light enough for the next couple of hours. The view of the canyon is phenomenal and breathtaking. It’s absolutely perfect and private.
I get the car unloaded while Jinx takes Nutmeg for a walk. Romeo carries his bag and the unicorn and heads toward the larger tent, while I follow him. He drops his bag on the floor and looks around.
“This is amazing. I didn’t know tents could get so big,” he says.
The room has a queen-size bed with rustic furniture, including a couch, chairs, and a couple of small tables.
There’s a large Navajo rug in the middle.
It’s climate-controlled, and the roof of the tent is clear so we can see the stars as we lie in bed.
As I told Jinx, there’s a full en-suite bathroom with a shower.
Outside is a porch with two chairs. The company even created a fire pit for us. It’s quite nice, actually.
“It’s perfect,” I say.
We get everything unloaded, and I take Romeo’s hand to lead him outside.
We meet up with Jinx and walk toward a third tent, where a chef has meals planned just for us.
The food is pre-made, but it should be delicious.
After we’re done eating, the staff will clean up and leave us alone for the evening, and return the next day to pack everything up.
Jinx and Romeo can then take my truck and drive wherever they need to.
“This place is fucking epic,” Jinx says. “My tent is fire. Thanks, man.”
“You’re welcome.”
We sit down outside by another fire pit, but this one is blazing. Our server comes to our table to pour water and take our order.
“Tonight’s menu is steak with cracked peppercorn butter or roasted chicken with mashed potatoes; both come with Caesar salad and grilled asparagus.
For dessert, we have either cranberry and brie dessert rolls finished with a house-made honey basil butter, or homemade chocolate chip cookies in a cast-iron skillet with vanilla bean ice cream. ”
As much as I want to drink tonight, I need to be lucid, so I just sip on water. I want to remember every single moment before I go. The meal seems delicious as far as last meals go.
I find myself pretty calm now. All I’m really thinking about is being inside Romeo. I want to make love to him for as long as I can. This is the peace I was hoping for.
After they serve our meals, the server gives us some privacy. When we’re alone, and before we even take a bite, Jinx says, “Out with it. Admit you’re dying. Tell Romeo the fucking truth.”
Romeo spits out the water he’s drinking and starts coughing. “Fuck, Jinx. Do you ever shut the hell up?” he hisses.
“Not when it comes to you. You deserve the truth.”
My stomach clenches painfully, and my body tenses. I had a feeling he’d figured it out, at least some of it. They think I’m dying from something. There’s truth in that.
“I am,” I admit, but I won’t elaborate.
Romeo abruptly stands and walks away with Nutmeg following him.
“You’re a fucking bastard for not telling him,” Jinx snaps.
“I know.”
“I’d tell you that you should’ve left him alone and not brought him on this trip, but then neither of us would be free from Tito’s hold. It’s hard to be mad at you. Still… I’m sorry you’re dying, man.”
“Yeah… me too.”
When the server comes out with our drinks, I stand and say, “Can you box everything up? Sorry about that. Something’s come up.”
“Of course, Mr. Kendrick. I’ll leave everything in containers to keep your food warm. The desserts will be in the cooler inside the tent.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll stay and eat. You talk to him,” Jinx says. “You better be nice, too… asshole.”
I ruffle his hair, and he brushes me away, grumbling as I go in search of Romeo.
It takes me about ten minutes to reach the overlook. I find him standing there, hugging himself. Nutmeg is sitting on her haunches next to him. She’s the first to notice me when I approach and comes over to greet me. Her tail is wagging, and she licks my outstretched hand.
“What are you dying from?” he asks without turning around.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“There’s got to be a cure.”
There is. Death. I don’t fucking dare tell him that. In fact, I say nothing when I stand next to him.
“This is where the sun will rise. It’ll be spectacular,” I say.
“Who the fuck cares about a goddamn sunrise? You’re dying. Why can’t I go with you? I can hold your hand through it. I want to be there for you.”
I press my palm to his face. He closes his eyes and leans into the touch.
“I need to do this alone, baby. You don’t want to be there, trust me.
Go your own way. Live your life. Move on from this.
It was a beautiful two weeks, but you’ll have other beautiful moments.
I just know it. You have a long and amazing life ahead of you. ”
His lips tremble, and he tries so hard not to cry.
I take his hand and lead him closer to the edge.
This is why I’m here. Not just to finally end my pain, but to be free like Romeo and Jinx are.
This is as close to God and heaven as I’ll ever get, not that I’m a believer.
But there’s something mystical and spiritual about the Grand Canyon.
“Ready?” I ask him.
“Ready for what?” he snaps back.
I try not to be hurt by his anger while silently begging him to forgive me.
“To spit off the edge of the world.”
I hold out my hand to him, and he takes it. When we get closer to the edge, he leans against me as if I could keep him from falling. Or maybe he’s clinging to keep me from leaving.
I snort and hack as much saliva as I can create. With a ball of it in my mouth, I spit it out as far as I can, and watch it fall until I can’t see it any longer.
“Fuck you, Holt, for beating and raping me! Fuck you, Mom, for your indifference and neglect! Fuck you, Derrick, for backstabbing me! Fuck you, Cherry, for cheating and using me. And…” My voice cracks as a sob suddenly escapes me.
I hadn’t expected that. I also hadn’t expected to be so angry at my father more than anyone.
It wasn’t his fault for dying, but the anger is there anyway.
“And fuck you, Dad, for leaving me behind.”
I wipe my eyes with my forearm as Romeo takes his turn.
He curls his fingers tightly in my hand as he spits like I did and yells.
“Fuck you, Grandfather, for raping my mother! Fuck you, Mom, for selling me! Fuck you, Tito, for grooming, beating, and raping me! And…” Romeo turns to face me.
“Fuck you, Julien, for taking me on this trip!”
Instead of storming off, he rushes at me and pulls me into a fierce hug. We hold each other and cry until we can’t any longer. Then, I lift Romeo into my arms and carry him back to the tent, so we can shower and make love.