Chapter 14 Penelope
Chapter fourteen
Penelope
Chatting with Daniel while we work lightens my heart.
I hadn’t realized how heavy it had become over the years, but the same masterfulness of conversation he had five years ago is still here, and we talk effortlessly.
He tells me more about the club, and I tell him stories of Danny.
He listens intently, as if he’s mentally cataloging everything about our daughter.
I’m relieved to know he’s interested in parenting her.
I’ve always wanted her father to be in the picture, while also knowing as well that she wasn’t planned, and he may not have wanted kids.
Going child-free is a choice that I would respect if he told me that’s what he wants.
And I don’t know how involved he’ll be, but at least when she does go to school, she’ll be able to say she knows her father.
I’ve carried around so much guilt that he wasn’t in our lives, in any capacity, and I think I can let a little of that go now.
It may be five years late, but he’s here now, and willing to make the most of it.
His declaration at the beginning of this shift still sits in the back of my mind, waiting for the space and time to process it fully.
I’m grateful he kept me occupied and entertained, but as we make the last bed and put the last toy away, as we finish vacuuming all the rooms, that promise of a kiss steals my ability to think.
Is he really going to kiss me? Am I going to let him?
Do I want him to kiss me? He’s told me what he wants from me, but I haven’t had time to figure out what I want from him, other than him in Danny’s life.
But I don’t have to figure it all out right now.
He’s asked for a kiss, and yeah, I want a kiss.
So when we go back to the back door, my bag slung over my shoulder, my diary in his hand.
I’m about to walk by him when he places a hand on my hip.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
He spins me and pins my hips to the door with his. My breath catches in my lungs.
“I think I was promised a kiss?” His hand comes to my cheek and caresses it tenderly. His eyes dart from mine to my cheeks, and finally my lips.
I lick my lips nervously and nod. His kiss is immediate, but gentle. A sweet caress of his lips against mine. But it’s over way quicker that I want it to be, and he opens the door behind me, causing me to stumble. He wraps an arm around my waist, preventing me from falling, and chuckles.
“I’ve got you now, pretty girl. I’m going to enjoy every moment with you.” I imagine him spending months building up to what we did that one night, and I like it. Knowing we do have time now. We have months if we want it, to build up whatever this is between us. We both live in DC.
“Wait. Why did you open The Envelope in DC when you live in Boston?”
“Because you lived in DC.”
I’m stunned into silence. Which he thinks is cute. He simply chuckles at me as he holds open the passenger door to his car.
“Is this going to become a regular thing?” I blurt out.
“God, I hope so,” he replies and escorts me into his car.
“Cara’s apartment is nearby. I can just walk.”
He closes the door. “Great. We can walk together, and then I can drive you and Danny home.”
I check the backseat, and sure enough, there’s a car seat in it. “Did you forget to return your friend’s?”
He turns me, his lower hand on my back, and I walk slower, pressing into the warmth of his hand, the comfort of another human touching me. “I’m a dad now,” he chastises me. “Don’t you think it's important I get a car seat?”
I blush. I hadn’t really thought about it.
We walk the block and a half to Cara’s apartment, and I think about how I want to play this next part.
Do I introduce him to Cara? Do I let him do the transfer?
Wake her up? It’s going to be different from our normal routine, and it might scare her to wake up to a stranger.
She might not remember right away that he’s her father. They’ve only met once.
But then I think about what it would have been like if we’d been together the entire time. Her dad would wake her up and carry her. I guess I’m going to have to play it by ear.
I knock gently on Cara’s apartment door, and she opens it immediately.
“You’re early,” she chirps happily. She works from home as some tech genius, so she gets to work whatever hours she wants.
When I asked for help with Danny, she was more than happy to shift her schedule.
She’s the best friend a woman could ask for.
But then her eyes drift to Daniel and widen, taking him in from top to bottom. God, I can’t imagine what she’s thinking. I randomly brought a man in an expensive business suit to pick up my daughter? How very Pretty Woman of me.
“Cara, this is Daniel. Danny’s father.”
Her brown eyes widen more. At this point, I’m a little worried for her eyeballs.
“Her what?!” she whisper-shouts, shooing us back into the hallway so she can properly yell at me.
“We just ran into each other yesterday. I haven’t had a chance to fill you in on everything, but I promise I’ll call you once I get home. He just wanted to drive us home, and I appreciate the help,” I say pointedly.
Daniel holds out a hand. “I have to thank you, Cara, from the bottom of my heart. If it weren’t for you, I never would have met Nell, and Danny would never have been born.” She takes his hands skeptically before turning to me and mouthing ‘Nell?’ Literally, only she calls me that.
“Can we go get Danny now? You can yell at me later?”
Cara concedes and opens the door wider.
“I’d give you a hug, but I don’t know how possessive my girl is yet,” Daniel stage-whispers playfully as he walks by her into the apartment.
“My girl?” She mouths again. I’m not going to get out of this without seven thousand questions. But I guess that’s fair. She knows all about Daniel. She was the one in the birthing suite with me when Danny came into the world.
She was the one who encouraged me to keep a diary of everything I wanted to share with him if he’d been there.
“Which room?” he whispers, and I lead him into Danny’s bedroom.
I told Cara not to decorate it, since Danny doesn’t need decorations when she’s only staying there for sleeping, and only until the back porch gets fixed, but she ignored me and the entire small guest room is full of yellows and greens - Danny’s favorite color combo at the moment.
I kneel next to her sleeping form, and brush one of her brown curls off of her forehead.
“How do you wake her?” Daniel asks quietly as he kneels next to me and I start to choke up. He’s asking how I parent her, so that he can know how to handle her when it’s time for him to wake her up from a nap.
“I usually just rub a circle on her back until she wakes up. Only takes a few minutes.”
He nods earnestly. I rub her back and call her name gently a few times and she begins to stir.
“Mama?” Green eyes flitter open.
“Yeah, baby. I’m back. And I brought someone with me.” She looks over and sees Daniel, but rolls her face back into the mattress. I can feel the shift in him more than I can see it. He’s disappointed.
“Your dad’s going to drive us back home. Isn’t that nice? Cool?” I’m trying to use her words to soften the new man staring at her. But it doesn’t work.
I scoop under her arms and let her koala me; her face hidden in my chest.
I was going to ask if she wanted him to carry her, but she’s grumpy and not feeling him at the moment.
He hangs his head and sighs before following us back out to the street, with a small “thanks, Cara,” as we walk by her.
He holds the door open for me as I set her in the back seat.
She’s still grumpy and refuses to look at him.
And all he can do is stare at her, the playful Daniel from earlier nowhere to be found.
He shuts the door gently when she’s strapped in.
I turn to him and place my hands on his chest. He won’t look me in the eye.
“She can be temperamental when she wakes up. Don’t take it personally. She was telling me yesterday how cool and nice you are,” I rush, trying to smooth over the sting of his daughter rejecting him.
He gives me a sad smile before taking my hands in his.
I don’t want him to give up on us already.
He hasn’t gotten a chance to know her yet like I do, to fall in love with her like I have.
He doesn’t have the personal experience that parenting is a lot of hard days but also a lot of amazing ones that make up for the hard ones.
He kisses my knuckles, making sure to keep it hidden from Danny, who is still not looking at us.
“I’m allowed to be disappointed that my own child doesn’t know me. I’m allowed to be angry at myself for missing out on her life. It’s not your job to worry about me or manage my emotions. She doesn’t trust me yet. I haven’t earned that trust. And I’m allowed to be upset by that.”
“Please don’t...” my voice wobbles. “Please don’t start to be in our lives... and then leave... it wouldn’t be fair to her,” or me.
A more genuine smile peeks out. “Did you not hear my monologue from earlier? Maybe I’ll text it to you so you can print out a copy of it. I meant every word, and not a word of that said anything about leaving you. Ever again.”
I squeeze his hands back, and then lean down to kiss his knuckle. “Thank you,” I whisper.
I know life happens, and we can’t predict what’s going to happen. He may start a club somewhere else. We may not work out for longer than a day. We may work out for six months and then not. But the fact that he intends to stay, whatever that looks like for us, reassures my fears.
I’ve barely climbed into the car when my phone buzzes with a text from Cara.
Cara: I need ALL the deets. Now. BTW – that man's already in love with Danny and I'm glad to see it. That little girl deserves all the love
I roll my eyes. I know this needs to be a phone call. But I just can’t have it now, in front of everyone.