Chapter 23 Larissa
Patience is not my forte.
I dump my oatmeal down the garbage disposal.
I glance at my phone for the millionth time since Hollis dropped me off almost twelve hours ago.
What happened?
My emotions have gone through the wringer since he kissed me like his life depended on it and then waited for me to lock the door.
He left in a flash. And unlike the last time I felt like our goodbye was incomplete—he didn’t come back.
I sink against the counter.
My heart is bruised because I wanted to spend the first night of the year with him. I wanted him to have fun. I’d hoped we could start the year off in an amazing way with karaoke with Coy and the water gun fights that always happen before dawn.
He didn’t get to experience all those things, and I think he’d really have liked them.
But even more than that—my nerves are frayed.
He closed off more dramatically than the last time I saw him shut down. I hate it. I don’t think it was me. I hope it wasn’t. But I don’t know what set him off, and most of all, I’m terrified he won’t let me back in.
My throat constricts, my saliva hot as I try to stay calm. And look at my phone again.
The longer I stare at the screen, the more worried I get. The panic feeds off my fear and my desperate need to contact him.
I can’t take it anymore. I have to do something.
With my phone in my hand feeling like a brick, I press Bellamy’s number.
“How are you even awake?” she says with a laugh. “You all didn’t wrap up that party until well after dawn.”
“Not me. I was home before one.”
I hear her blankets moving around in the background. “Why? What happened?”
“Bells …” I force the lump that appeared out of nowhere away. “I don’t know what happened.”
“Starting from the beginning is usually a solid idea.”
I ignore her sarcasm. “Things were just …” I remember him sitting with Coy and how he chatted my dad up like they were buddies.
The ease in the way he walked and how the little lines between his eyes vanished.
“Things were great. Really great. And then they weren’t.
I don’t know why. He just said he didn’t feel well and wanted to go.
He dropped me off around one this morning, and … here we are.”
“Well, I’m going to need a little more to help you. Want me to come over?”
I shake my head. “No. Please don’t. I just need to figure this out.” I press my fingertips to my temple.
“Where is Hollis?”
“I don’t know, honestly. His hotel room, I guess. I hope.”
“You haven’t heard from him at all?”
“No. He’s … complicated. If you push him too much, he shuts down. Well, he usually ends up entertaining me and playing along, but last night was different, Bells.”
“So you thought he needed some space?”
“Yeah,” I say through the burn in my throat.
She sighs. “Well, it’s almost noon, so I think you’ve accomplished your mission.”
“Yeah,” I say again because that’s all I have.
Silence descends between us.
The cabinet bites into my behind. I press off it and pace around the kitchen.
“Are you waiting on me to tell you what to do?” she asks.
“You do every other time in my life, so …”
She laughs. “Sitting at home and stewing about it isn’t going to do you any good. It’s not going to help him either.”
“But what if he doesn’t want to talk to me?”
“Then you go home. Look, if he’s as complicated as you say he is, that stems from somewhere, and quite frankly, you haven’t known him long enough for it to be you at the root.”
“Okay,” I say, my spirits a little brighter. “That helps.”
“He might even need you. I’m guessing he’s not used to asking people for help.”
I bet she’s right.
He told me he’s been abandoned by everyone in his life. He probably doesn’t know how to lean on someone.
I make a mad dash to my bedroom to get dressed.
“I hate to say this,” I tell my best friend. “So don’t let this go to your head, but you’re a genius.”
“It’s been said.”
“And you’re so humble,” I say.
“That’s … never been said.”
We laugh together.
I dig through my closet and pull out a pair of sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt.
Nothing like starting the New Year off in style.
I grin.
But if things go according to plan, I’ll spend it cuddling with Hollis, and in that case, I won’t need clothes anyway.
“I gotta go, Bells.”
“Go get your man, baby girl.”
“Never call me that again.”
“Yeah. They did that in a movie I was watching last night while I was home. Alone. While y’all were out having fun at the neighbor’s house.”
“A party you were invited to,” I point out.
She scoffs. “I’m sorry I don’t party with Satan.”
I burst out laughing as I pull the sweatpants on. “A little dramatic, don’t you think?”
“Not even close. Now go and call me when you get back. Or if it’s gonna be a while, and you’re doing the make-up dirty-dirty, just text me and let me know it’s all fixed.”
The idea of making up with Hollis makes me smile. “Will do.”
“Byeeeee.”
“Bye, Bells.”
I slip the sweatshirt over my head and throw my hair in a messy bun that looks more homeless than chic, but whatever.
I grab my keys and my purse and go.
I pull into the parking lot of the hotel across from Paddy’s. It takes a whole minute to find Hollis’s black Mustang.
There is a spot two spaces down from his, and I pull in and park.
I climb out and make my way through the sea of cars until I hit the sidewalk. It’s a pretty morning, and birds chirp happily overhead. It gives me a spring in my step as I try to find my guy and help him through whatever is going on.
He won’t like it. That I’m sure. But I know he’ll come around. He gives in to me eventually. He has, anyway.
The thought makes me smile as I round the corner of the building. I come up with a plan to persuade the desk attendant to give me his room number—the one little piece of the puzzle I don’t have figured out.
The lobby is modern and clean with orange and bright green accents that feel very Savannah. I make my way toward the reception desk when my attention is drawn behind me like a magnet.
I turn on my heel and come eye-to-eye with Hollis.
“Hey,” I say, trying to hide my surprise at how shitty he looks.
He’s wearing the same clothes as last night. The area beneath his eyes is dark, as if he didn’t sleep, and his hair is more of a wreck than usual.
The lines are heavy between his thick eyebrows.
Whatever was wrong last night is still wrong. That much is clear.
“What are you doing here?” he asks me.
“I came to see you. You didn’t call.”
He runs a hand through his hair and looks around the lobby. I get the distinct impression he’s not looking for someone or something. He’s just not wanting to look at me.
A sense of doom settles in my stomach. It’s heavy, and my body shakes, physically recoiling its presence.
“Hollis? What’s going on?”
He looks at the ceiling. The skin on his throat is red as though his internal irritation is seeping out of his body.
“Did I do something?” I ask although I’m clueless as to what it could be.
He levels his head but closes his eyes. “No, Riss. Of course not.”
“Then what’s going on.”
With a sigh that causes his whole body to sag, he opens his eyes. “I wish you would’ve called first.”
“I wish you would’ve called too.”
“Fair enough,” he mumbles. “Let’s … We can’t do this here. Come on.”
Can’t do this here. What?
He turns toward the elevators. He does not grab my hand.
The rock in my stomach gets heavier and heavier with each step I take behind him. I scramble through last night and try to make sense of this.
We enter the elevator in silence. I reach for his shoulder because my touch usually settles him, but he leans against the wall and avoids my hand.
My breathing gets more rapid as I fight to stay calm. Tears prickle my eyes even though nothing has even happened.
Maybe it has nothing to do with me. Maybe it has nothing to do with us.
With us.
Shit, Larissa.
My senses go into hyperdrive as we walk down a short hallway, and he opens a door. There’s nothing friendly or warm about the process. It feels more like a death knell.
I want to bolt, to turn around and leave and pretend I never came. I want to get in my car and go home and tell myself he’ll come over later.
But as the door clicks shut behind me and he turns around to face me, I know that’s not going to happen.
“Hollis?” I ask despite the compression in my chest making it hard to breathe. “What’s happening?”
“I …” He sighs. “I have the Landry thing tomorrow, and then I’m going to head to Vermont and check on River.”
He’s going through the motions of telling me goodbye. He’s just not saying it.
“Why?” It’s all I can say, all I can ask.
“His mom is—”
“Dammit, Hollis. I know his mom is sick, and you know I’m not asking why you’re going to see your friend.” I take a step closer to him. “Why are you leaving?”
“To go see River.”
“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” I tell him, my voice rising.
He might need to check on his friend, but that’s not why he’s leaving. We both know that. But the only other reason he could be avoiding me—which he clearly is—is that he doesn’t want to be with me.
It’s a shot directly to the heart that I’d opened up for him. My body tightens as if I was actually hit with a bullet. And, to make it worse, he was choosing to avoid me rather than even saying goodbye.
“You don’t have to want to be here with me,” I tell him, “but you could at least tell me the truth. Don’t I deserve that much?”
Tears wet my eyes. It doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Riss …” He says my name softly, but he doesn’t make any movements toward me.
I see where this is going. I feel the start of the pain that will overwhelm me soon. It rips through my chest, shredding my heart into a million pieces.
“What did I do?” I ask him, my voice breaking. “Everything was fine, and then …”
“Everything was. Everything is. It’s just not ...”
“It’s not what?”
He watches me warily. But as I look deeper into those eyes I love so much, I see it. The shield, the guard, the switch he flips to keep himself safe is coming down.