Chapter 23 Larissa #2
“Maybe I can come back and see you this summer,” he says, his voice weak. But it’s not an offer. Not really. It’s one of his infamous tries to redirect the conversation.
I laugh, but this time it’s tinged with anger. He hears it, too, because he takes a step back.
“That’s a weak attempt at deflection,” I say. “You can do much better.”
“How is it deflecting? I’m offering to come and see you!”
“It’s deflecting because it avoids the reason you’re leaving and it is not River,” I say as he opens his mouth to repeat his false argument. “What do you want from me? To just be like, ‘Oh, okay, he might be back in June’?”
He holds his hands out to his sides. “What else do you want?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe for you to be the man I know and love.”
The words flow past my lips freely before I can catch them and scoop them back up. They hang in the air between us like an unwanted visitor.
His eyes are as wide as his shoulders as he takes me in, shaking his head. “No, Larissa. Come on. You don’t love me.”
I don’t know where that word choice came from. It’s not one I use loosely. But I said it, and now, on the other side, I don’t regret it.
I mean it.
The man has taught me more in a few days than all the men I’ve ever dated combined.
He’s taught me that it’s okay to be me. He’s made me feel confident and gorgeous.
I’ve witnessed loyalty and know what it’s like to have a guy around whose eyes don’t troll on a room for other beautiful women.
While in my presence. Not even beautiful Bellamy.
He stood up for me to Sebastian and made an effort to talk to my family.
He listened to me ramble about my day and worked through his hang-ups to open up to a woman who desperately wanted to get to know him.
The thought of not telling him about my day tomorrow makes me want to cry. Considering that I won’t know if he’s happy or what he’s working on feels like a fraying rope in my chest.
I’ll never be able to put all of those strands back together.
“I do love you,” I tell him, my heart breaking.
I’ve never felt this before. I’ve never felt as treasured as I have with Hollis.
Yet, he was going to walk away without even facing me.
“I get that you were leaving Savannah. I’ve known that from the beginning, and I haven’t asked you for any promises.
Or any reciprocation of feelings.” I sniffle, my lip trembling.
“But you weren’t even going to say goodbye. ”
Tears stream down my cheeks, and I don’t even try to stop them. I’m trying to fight my insecurities that, once again, someone will leave me—does this stem from my mom’s pain from when my dad left?—but this hurts more because I gave away my heart.
“Don’t cry,” he begs.
“Why not? Because it makes it harder for you to face reality? That you’re walking away from someone who loves you?”
He groans. “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want this.”
“We don’t ask for a lot of stuff in our lives, Hollis, but we have to deal with it.”
“You don’t think I know that?” His voice rises. “Look at all the shit I have to deal with. I think I deal pretty fucking well, if you ask me.”
Something about his tone pisses me off. I jam a finger in his direction.
“You’re right,” I tell him. “You will deal with this pretty fucking well too because you’ll just shove it in the back of your mind and not think about it. You’ll just pretend I don’t exist just as you pretend Philip and Kim don’t love you. You just—”
“Watch it, Riss.”
“Or what?” I say, my voice rising. “You’ll leave? Because you already are, and if you’re going to leave, then I’m going to make sure you do it and know what you’re leaving behind.”
He growls through the air, tugging at his hair.
“Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted some man to love me madly,” I say, my tone softening. “I wanted a safe place to create a little world where I could garden and make dinners and raise kids.”
Images of Bellamy’s grandparents filter through my mind. They made love look so easy. They fought. They forgave. They loved. They showed me that love can sustain a relationship. It can sustain a marriage when both people are committed to put in the work. Giving up wasn’t an option.
It makes my tears fall again.
“I wanted someone to look at me like I was the most important thing in the world to him. That would tell the whole universe that I was his girl,” I say, wiping my cheeks.
“That’s all. I didn’t want money or cars or fame.
I just wanted to find my best friend and to create a beautiful corner of the world just for us. ”
My words stall in my throat.
Hollis stands in front of me. His arms hang at his sides.
“And I found you,” I say, the words so muffled that I don’t know if he can hear me. “And you don’t want me.”
“That’s not it,” he says quickly. “I swear that’s not it.”
“Then what is it?”
He looks me in the eye. I think he’s trying to put up a front and make me think he believes his own bullshit, but it doesn’t work.
“You have to find the person in your life that you can share stuff with,” he says. “Find the door you should walk through. And I’m not that guy. I’m not,” he says again as though saying it twice will make it more believable. “I have nothing to share with you. And eventually, you’d realize that.”
I cover my face with my hands and cry. I cry for me, for him, for a life we could’ve figured out. Together.
I’m sure of it. I’m sure we could’ve made something work. It’s too good between us to have failed.
Only it did.
The realest thing I’ve ever experienced is over.
He doesn’t come to me, and he doesn’t reach out. But I don’t reach for him either. Why make things harder?
I get myself under control the best I can and look up at him through blurry eyes. I take in the last glimpse of Hollis Hudson that I’ll probably ever have and commit it to memory.
“Eventually, you’ll realize there are people in the world who love you,” I whisper. “And you pushed them all away. Just remember that I was one of them.”
He just looks at me, and I can’t take it.
I turn on my heel and leave the only man I’ve ever loved behind. I’m walking away at what I had stupidly believed might be my slice of happiness. And even though my heart aches to an unfathomable level, I’m also hurting for Hollis.
That man is filled with so much goodness, strength of character, loyalty, and … well, love. I’m so afraid he’ll always be alone because he refuses to see all that. He won’t accept it.
It’s not right. It’s so terrible.
But there is absolutely nothing I can do.