Chapter 24 Hollis
My luggage is gathered and on the other bed.
As soon as the sun comes up, I’m going to get up and drive to the ocean. I haven’t had a day sitting on the sand in three or four years. Hopefully, the salty air will clear my head, and I can show up to the Catching-A-Care thing without wanting to hurl.
Then I’ll come back here, grab my shit, and go back to campus.
I roll over onto my side. A spring I can’t escape stabs me in the hip.
Even the bed is pissed at me.
“I hate you, too,” I tell it.
It cares about as much as anyone does when I dislike them.
This was the longest day of my life. The afternoon melted into the evening, and the evening got dark and lasted forever. The nighttime has worn on and on. I’ve just laid here and sulked.
It’s not my fault things are this way. I’m just really glad I understand the reality of shit so I can act accordingly.
Could I have fucked around with Larissa? For sure.
Would that have been the right choice? Nah.
Do I have to pay the price for trying to do the right thing? Of course.
And I will. I will pay the price because I love her.
My body stills against the unyielding spring. My breathing stops. I mull that word in my mind. I sit with it. I feel the vibrations of it from head to toe.
“Do I?” I ask aloud, as if the fucking spring will back off and squeak out an answer.
I don’t know if I do or not. I don’t know what love means, really.
I also don’t know if it matters.
The only thing I can compare this to is Crew and River. And that’s not an exact comparison. I’d take a bullet for those guys. I’ve taken massive hits to protect them on the field more times than I can count. I’ll show up for them every time they need me.
Larissa’s laughter plays through my mind, and I can’t help the smile that graces my lips. I can still smell her on my shirt. I remember the softness of her skin and the twinkle in her eye when she taught me that stupid dance at Jack’s party.
I’d jump in front of a bullet for her, no questions asked. I couldn’t imagine living with myself if I didn’t. And even though she probably hates me right now and will never speak to me again, if she called and needed me tonight? I’d go.
But it’s more than that. It’s a softness in the core of my body when it comes to her.
It’s the way time flies when we’re together.
It’s that things are more optimistic when she’s around.
Life is more fun with jokes on another level when they come from her.
She also saw me—the real me. The me behind all the crap I shove out there to keep people from looking.
I smile sadly.
She didn’t take no for an answer, crazy woman.
She could see my pain and wanted to be my balm.
How did she do that? Why?
I don’t want kids, but if I did, I’d want them with her. I’d trust her to take care of them and love them. But I won’t be a burden to her. I refuse.
Even if it kills me in the meantime.
I glance at the clock next to the bed and check the time. It’s ten minutes past four in the morning.
“I can’t sit here anymore,” I say, getting up and turning on the light. It’s bright, making me squint. I can barely see to type out my text.
Me: Anyone up?
I wait for a full ten minutes to no avail. So I brush my teeth and then grab my wallet and room key.
I switch off the light and head to the beach and away from everything that reminds me of Larissa.
Fuck this.