23. Ellie
23
ELLIE
A s Mabel and Alfie talked through the photographs in the album, Ellie’s chest ached for them. The photographs were beautiful portrayals of a young family with so much to be happy about and so much ahead of them. Even the early photographs of the first few days and weeks after the birth of each baby, when Kimberley and Jasper were sleep deprived and adjusting to parenthood, were lovely. And the love between Jasper and his wife was clear in every photograph. They’d had a special bond, the kind that Ellie had hoped to have with Barnaby but found lacking. It was the love that she suspected only came to the lucky ones and that she had grown to accept would never happen for her. But perhaps not everyone needed to have that all-consuming devotion and intense attraction to someone. Perhaps some people just found someone who was kind to them and who they found attractive enough to enjoy spending time with. And yet, the more time she spent with Jasper, the more she liked him and the more attractive she found him. Earlier in the kitchen, when he’d touched her, she’d felt things she’d never experienced before. Her heart had raced, and her core had longed for more. She had yearned for him to kiss her, hold her, and lift her into those big, powerful arms. For him to press his body against hers and to touch her as only a lover would. Was it possible that Jasper could be the love she’d never had before? Her heart sank a fraction. Jasper had loved and lost. Could he love again or would any future partner always live in Kimberley’s shadow?
She looked at the children on either side of her. Jasper and Kimberley’s love had created these two mini human beings, and they were perfect. Absolutely perfect. But whatever he might still feel for his wife, she was gone and nothing could change that. He deserved happiness and to love again, and she felt sure Kimberley, the woman in the photographs who looked at Jasper with so much love in her eyes, would want her husband to be happy again. She would want him to love and be loved just as she’d want her children to be loved. What was it they said? It takes a village to raise a child? You could never have too many people to love a child, and she already cared about Mabel and Alfie. She also cared about Jasper. Could that be enough? Could there be something other than friendship in their future?
When Jasper returned to the lounge bringing with him the delicious aromas of toasted cheese and garlic, she wondered how the scene looked to him. Did seeing his children with Ellie make him happy or scared? He had already lost one partner, so would he be able to risk his heart by loving another? Nothing in life came with guarantees, and no one lived forever. Was Jasper strong enough and brave enough to risk his heart again?
Was Ellie?
‘Right then, who’s hungry?’ Jasper asked.
‘Me!’ the children chorused.
‘Go and wash your hands and then we can eat.’
‘Yes, Daddy.’ Mabel put the photograph album on the table, then waited for Alfie to follow her.
‘Shall we eat in here?’ Jasper looked at the coffee table. ‘We don’t usually, but it might be nice for today.’
Ellie shifted her position on the sofa and moved her leg from the cushion on the coffee table. ‘I don’t mind.’
‘How’s the ankle?’ Jasper watched her move her foot.
‘A lot better, actually. I don’t think it’s even a bad sprain. The ice has helped.’
‘That’s brilliant, but take it easy for a few days because you don’t want to put too much pressure on it.’
‘I will.’
‘OK … I’ll get everything sorted and bring it through.’ He rubbed a hand over his head. ‘Ellie … um… sorry for earlier in the kitchen. That wasn’t like me. I don’t … I haven’t … been with anyone … not since Kimberley.’ He was looking anywhere but at her as he said the words, and she could see how hard this was for him. ‘I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t make a habit of this. Women don’t come to my home or spend time with my children and I don’t … hug women either.’
Now he met her gaze, and she nodded. ‘I know that, Jasper. I didn’t think you did.’
‘Good. But …’ He sighed and shook his head. ‘With you … God, this is hard to say because I’m so out of practice but… I really like you, Ellie.’
‘I like you too. Thank you for bringing me to your home and trusting me with your children. It means a lot.’
‘Thank you for coming and for being so good with Mabel and Alfie. They clearly like you and trust you. Showing you the photographs like that, it’s just…’ He fell silent, a muscle in his jaw twitching, his blue eyes glistening.
‘I know.’ She smiled, emotion making her own throat ache.
‘I’ll um … get the food.’ He pointed a thumb over his shoulder.
‘Can I help?’
‘Stay there and rest that ankle. But when the children come back, can you check that Alfie actually used soap and didn’t just dip his fingertips into the water?’
‘Of course I will.’ Ellie laughed.
‘Thanks.’ Jasper returned to the kitchen and Ellie sat back on the sofa. In just weeks, her life had changed dramatically, but she had no regrets. The life she’d thought she wanted hadn’t made her happy, and she much preferred the version she was living now.